How can i not know who I am? when did i stop?
why is everyone aware of my self sabotaging? am i that obvious?
Im too cowardly to kill myself but ive got no talent, not a destiny nor a passion.
"a mayonnaise yet to be mixed, an unfinished person, a work in progress"
i know i can love but it takes too much effort, i crave the kind of obsession a dog holds for his owner and yet no one wants to reciprocate
im a chameleon, a mirror so good im only allowed to be outside
i feel lost at sea, my tears chocking me with their salty flavor
i need a therapist but opening up to them feels like im stripping down to my bare bones for nothing at all
deep down know i was insecure even as a child, doubting every knowledge i had whenever someone uttered, "Are you sure?"
deep down i know i always felt as an outsider needing to fit in
i always felt like an injured hare running against rats and turtles always losing
"you doubt yourself so much it sabotages the whole project"
"your progress looks like a rollercoaster"
"you lose so much time on useless steps, you need to focus on whats most important "
"You can't be stopped by your software problem, people want animators, not people who know how to use toon boon"
i dont need someone to ask me how does something feel because i know that. i need answers.
how do i explain to my friends that i would rather die than feel like im useless to them
i cant be useless because then i cant justify my existence
i cant explain to them that hate myself so much that when someone else reminds me of what i once was it makes me cringe so much to the point of alienating them
i cant tell them i wanna die
i wanna have a purpose, someone to love, to love me back, a future.
