One hump or two?

My Original Pinned:

TW: Personal

I saw a post about autochorissexual recently and it mafe me feel slightly more at ease about myself.

I have a whole bunch of issues, probably all related, but I don't talk about them much. I've found a safe space in tumblr.

But I've also chatted, complimented, flirted and even, ummmm, sexted a few people and I feel a little bit of a fraud letting them make assumptions.

I hate my body, I always have, I hate having photos taken. I don't think my parents ever noticed but I always try and sit facing away from the wall of family photos. I avoid mirrors, I hate selfies, I try hard not to panic getting my hair done.I

prefer they/them. I've never really thought of myself as a "boy" or a "girl" growing up. Although I did my best to do the things expected of me. In my mind I could be either, I flip between the two, my mind translating feelings and sensations as needed. I don't want to change my body, I just wear either, or neither. It's not a kink thing, it's just what feels right.

I've never really liked the idea of actually having physical sex. I'm a virgin. But mentally the idea of others doing so, the concepts, does arouse me. I derive most of my pleasure mentally though, turning other people on, getting a reaction, that's what I enjoy.

Those who know my other blogs know I reblog women, I'm mainly attracted to the female form. I think that blog is me over compensating, trying to make others feel good. I'm honestly in awe of all those women.

On reflection, in my fiction on my "kink" blog, the PoV has never been genderised, at least not intentionally. That the interaction is almost only ever verbal is probably a reflection of my own feelings around sex.

Lockdown in the UK has actually been a blessing for me. I've spent a lot of time at home, while my flatmate is a key worker, so I've had time and space to try dressing differently, comfortably.

I tried to make my avatar as genderless as possible, although I realise it is slightly feminine if anything. I just worry about the people I've talked to making assumptions about me, feeling betrayed when they read this, but I feel guilt that I might have unintentionally misled people.

I realise some people might block me now. I expect I'll get hate anon from trolls.

I'm sorry.

This is me.

My first update:

So I've talked to a few mutuals about this, and kinda understand myself a bit more now, and wanted to try and write a bit more about it.

In a nutshell, in some way, I feel absolutely no attachment to the body I'm in, like it's just a container for my soul (if you will).

What I do seem to do is project. I'm not sure if I'm projecting onto others, or I'm projecting others onto me, or if there is even a difference?

"My kink is other people," I say, but what does that actually mean?

If I'm listening to an audio, and I like audios, I'm most likely imagining being them, how it feels to be them touching, enjoying.

If I'm reading a story, the same... picturing myself in the PoV role, being them (not me) in that situation.

There are a few mutuals I've, um, sexted with. No disrespect to them but even if they say You, or I say I, in my head I'm picturing someone else doing those things with them, I'm just imagining what it would be like being that person.

Even the few times I tried making audios it wasn't really me, I was experiencing it as someone else.

I think that also drives a lot of my NBie and fluidness, it doesn't matter what body parts I may or may not have, because at the end of the day I'm not me, I'm always someone else.