anti-you

     WHAT NO- I couldn’t put any interesting titles to say so I put a name from a book I was reading and taco together and also this post will be about the drama queen bee Al, again. It’s just I’m always trying my best to find something interesting even if I’m not going to school right now and I’m still trying to learn a few things on my own. I’m just so tired of people talking behind my back about my choice of lifestyle. Be it this past couple of days, about me trying to learn American Sign Language. What’s wrong with trying to understand other people‘s circumstances? At first they let me do my thing until I’ve been hearing people in my house complaining about me doing something!! IT SUCKS. I just want to do my thing without hearing complaints. Last two months ago, I go vegan. I cook my own food and they all think it was silly. They also think I was only bored.

     Another reason why I sometimes hate living with my family. Just because I’m not doing their own thing doesn’t make me the loser in the house. Just because I prefer doing something unusual doesn’t make me the burning taco of all the freshly heated taco. I mean, learning sign language is soooo magnificent. Being compassionate towards the animals are not silly. Why do I feel like I’m the Benjamin Button in my family. As if I’ll go compulsive when they stopped me.

Book review x One Day by David Nicholls (spoiler & a bit of dishing)

     I actually started reading Nicholls’ book after watching its film featuring Anne Hathaway. How do I even react to the book entirely? I mean, I have a lot of emotions going on inside my head and none of them were good. Do not get me wrong the book was okay. It was a hilarious and realistic love story diving to the ups and downs of Dexter and Emma’s friendship giving snapshots of how they live their lives for 20 years but just like any other relationships and other love stories, they only both started rekindling and giving both themselves a chance when they realized that through their downfall lies one of them to support.

     And even as I knew something terrible might happen to the other half in the end, it never failed to make me cry as I felt how sudden the tragedy was.

     Told in 5 parts in alternating POV’s and over a span of twenty years Dexter Mayhew and Emma Morley meet in 1988. Em has just graduated from university and hooked up with that boy she’s seen around for ages.  As the sun rises they drink wine and talk about their futures. They have their whole lives stretching out ahead of them in an endless number of days and isn’t it going to be wonderful they can achieve anything they want to. Starting as lovers Dexter and Emma continue as friends and the book joins them on July 15th of each year (St Swithin’s day) through their 20’s and 30’s and into their 40’s. As anyone in their 40’s knows, life happens and it doesn’t always go as planned, missed opportunities and the like.

     (Spoiler) And as I finished the book, I couldn’t stop thinking... what would have happened if the tragedy never happened? I tried to think of a few scenarios until I was able to write it all in one paragraph:

     Em would be able to write a new series for her political & historical views but as time goes by, she will grew irritated and desperate to have Dexter’s child. Due to their age, it became harder and harder and the possibility to make one healthy baby became slim to none and it became the reason for their fights. Due to Emma’s disappointment, Dexter would find comfort in the arms of another woman (His cafe’s manager) which would destroy their marriage. Due to Emma’s knowledge on Dexter’s past, she wouldn’t be able to forgive him and instead would travel Europe to find an inspiration to write her new book. Their relationship as best friends wouldn’t matter and in the end they would just drift apart.

Walked inside our home only to find our gadgets piled up in a corner ready to be picked up by burglars was one of the worst things I have to experience this 2016. Those things consist of our two flat screen television, two laptops, a flat iron (seriously?), our brand new Juicer!, and a CPU. My impulses therefore made me rushed decisions into calling the police rather than my family. 

You see, I am over the fact that someone tress passed  our home (I roam around and found out that there was no single item lost, just the compiled bigger thing in my house) but what made me shocked even more is of how the authorities responded to me. 

There were three police who went inside our home, everyone just decided to make fun of how things worked. One even picked up my cousin’s guitar and played, not bothering to look around. I have to call my grandmother just for them to respect that someone had violated our rights in abode. What made me uncomfortable even more is how they looked at me. You see, when it happened I was wearing a three fourth shirt and a pambahay shorts. I understand that it may be vulgar for them but aren’t they suppose to make me feel safe? My father was a police once but I know for a fact that he took his job seriously. He never have to joke around telling a young girl that they’d sleep in her house just to keep her safe from the bad guys, it was delivered in a way that a man might have been hitting on her, I knew this because I have handled a couple of these types on some occasions but it pretty much disappoints me to see that a policeman who are suppose to make a scared nervous girl feel safe actually manage to made her uncomfortable under those stares. 

I pretty much have to stay strong under those up and down gazes. 

It saddens me that I have to hear from my family about those horrible stereotypes which pretty much tells me- quote “A man disrespects a woman because of how provocative she dresses up”. No matter what a woman wears, she deserved the respect she rightfully have. And besides, how could I even change clothes when I knew there were thieves roaming around my house, I knew I have to act fast. 

Soonly after I called my other grandma, my lola and cousin came home and I passed them the right to deal with the situation. It was all too much, I regret even telling them how uncomfortable I was with those Policemen. 

In writing this post, I wasn’t waving my pom-poms happily, I am not singing my favourite song and definitely not writing my 2016 wishes and tasks to achieve this year. In writing this, I was reflecting my year last 2015, our first day of January as we buried my dead grandfather 6 feet under and prayed for his new life in might be another division of life? That time I was so desperate of non endings, that I wished there was reincarnation as you re-live your life again and again until you were perfect for heaven. 

Our first day of February as we struggle to pay our debts that is continuously increasing! I got really really scared that I might not get enrolled the next semester. And my mother’s cries on her injured arm that needed to be fixed by theraphy. 

Our 19th day of March as I received a phone call while reviewing for finals. I was holding a Political Science reviewer when I received a ring on my phone, page 16 in Hitler’s regime when I accepted a call from my father’s father, it was a policeman asking if I knew the owner of the phone, I said yes he’s my grandfather, and with a shaky voice he asks me for our address because he was hit by a vehicle and they needed family. I am family, I said, but I was probably hundred miles away from home it would take me 4 hours to get there by bus and the policeman kept telling me to relax, to relax! and remember our address. I ended up telling them the direction because I could not remember anything but my grandfather crossing the street with a paper bag full of breads for my cousins. And three hours after, my cousin called me, telling me he’s dead. The last time I saw him was December 2014 and next was him lying in a coffin.

Our 16th day of April as no one remembered my birthday. Who else would? Our year was so fucked up I do not care for my day of birth

Our first day of May when I saw the computation of our debts as it increased doubled since my grandfather’s death. 

My last week of semester in October when my mother told me I could not get enrolled the next semester. It was unfair but my year 2015 is so fucked up I do not want to fuck up my grades. Then comes a lot of loss and a lot of cries. A lot of problems and a lot of people that comes and goes. A lot of time wastes at staring at the ceiling and a lot of curses towards God for doing this to my family and a lot of realizations and a lot of new understanding.

And here I am in 2016, in front of my laptop, the only gadget I have after losing so much in 2015. Hoping and not expecting for a greater year. And perhaps still looking back at the worst year in my life, wishing that this would not get worse than that. 

"Traveling the world is nice, but sometimes seeing others struggles is upsetting but it allows you to appreciate what you have even more." 

 LIFE RIGHT NOW: 

Year 2009

The first time I saw you, it’s a Monday. I don't know if you remembered it, as you have many things in your mind completely running off your world but know that I do, I do remember every single detail of your face or the scenarios.I remember myself sitting in an old bench in front of the lagoon while you run through my way. You sat beside me and breathed loudly as if your life depended on it.

"Miss, are you okay?" I asked you since you were pretty much breathing heavily and you were crying as well but you just shook your head and stared through the ground. I don't wanna interfere, that's why I let you have your peace and left.

Year 2010

The second time I saw you, it's a Tuesday. I don't know if you remembered it, as you were staring at the sky; no emotions showing on you but curiosity from the world were plastered on your face but know that I do, I do remember every single detail of your face or the scenarios. I remember myself walking in the park while you’re just there, sitting in the see-saw staring up-sky and you're eyebrows slightly pulled together and breathing very calmly as if your life is just so plain and easy.

"May I?" I asked as I gestured the other side of the see-saw. You stared at my face first then you nodded. I hopped on the other side and pulled a big grin on my face while yours were pressed in a hard line, as if you were trying to figure out if we've met before. We moved side by side. I don't know but I feel like a child again instead of a 17 year old guy. You never smiled but you told me your name. And I was relieved to know it.

Year 2011

The third time I saw you, It's a Wednesday. All I know is that you could remember it, as you jump into my arms the moment you saw me and sobbed for like hours, I do remember that time and it pains me more than you could ever know. I remember myself calling your name as you run with your heels on your hands, you stopped the moment you heard your name being called and quickly run to me and cried. Even though your makeup was ruined, all I could ever think of is how beautiful you were and how I love to make you smile.

"They all left me" you said as you continue on crying, I let you sleep on my house. You don't know how I love to feel you in my arms, to hold you tight, not to do anything, just hold you in just one night, to know that you were okay because the moment my eyes landed on your pretty face, I know you could own me, I know that if you said 'yes' in the see-saw you could ruin me.  That if you at least considered remembering me then I would think about you all throughout the day. I love you that’s what I knew.

Year 2012

The fourth time I saw you, It's a Thursday.  I don't know if you remember it, as you were running quickly in the rain with a pair of black shoes and black dress but know that I do, I do remember every single detail of your face or the scenarios. You're not crying but there is something in you that are deeply sad. I just stared at you from afar, as I was at the hospital and you were . . .  near the place I was standing.

"Sir, it's time” the nurse said, as she guided me to the room where I'll be having my Chemo Therapy. It was nice seeing her, for the fourth time, but it wasn't nice seeing her not smiling.

Year 2013

The fifth time I saw you, It's a Friday. I know you would remember it from the rest of your life, as you were with me in the last day of my life. Know that, I will remember every single detail of your face or the scenarios. I remember myself requesting my mother to find you and see you this last time.  You see, the first time I saw you was the first time I've known I have a cancer, It was kept a secret, but I saw the notes written by the doctor with a pencil, I don’t know what to do, but you calmed me. The second time I saw you was the time I decided to fight this terrible disease, the third time I saw you was the time I couldn't fight it anymore. But I would like to thank you, as you were the reason why I last for another 4 years.

"Rico, don't you wanna wait for her?" my mother pleaded as my eyes were completely getting close and my breathing started to slow

"Please Ma'am we need you out of here" the nurse said. "No! My son is there, he needs me! Rico, you should wait for her" my mom again pleaded but I just closed my eyes and slowly my breathes faded out. "Stay on your heart beat kid if you want to see the girl" the doctor said and next thing I knew there was a voice that says "clear" and my body got electrified. Then another "clear" and another "clear"

I couldn't open my eyes or even breathe but there is something urging me to fight a little. . . . A tiny voice who’s crying. She's here. She’s here! I opened my eyes with all of me, as the doctors stepped back. She's the most beautiful girl I've ever laid my eyes on.

"H-hey" i breathed. "Hey" she sobbed heavily. I smiled at her and she just stared at me crying. "You're gonna leave me too?" she asked and I nearly nodded. My eyes are getting heavier as well as my breathing but there is one thing I wanted to tell her,

"P-please Smile" I said as my breathing stops, but I tried my best not to close my eyes, I will wait for a second, I can wait. She just stared at me for a second. And just as I was about to close my eyes she smiled, and I felt myself rejoice as I quickly drifted to sleep.

1: Close your eyes and think of five things that make you smile when you think about them. What are they?

2: If your house was on fire and you had sixty seconds to leave, what would you take with you?

3: When you're alone in the middle of the night and you can't quite get to sleep, what do you think about? "Going to sleep" doesn't count.

4: What is love to you?

5: What is the opposite of love?

6: Is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself?

7: Do you believe mutual attraction based on mutual hatred is possible?

8: Is it better to have something amazing and lose it or to never have had it to begin with?

9: Do you focus more on the past, the present, or the future?

10: Do you judge people for what they wear or how they express themselves?

11: Do you believe in individuals over generalisations?

12: When you're very scared or worried, what do you think about or do to help you feel better?

13: How do you feel about what happens after death?

14: Would you rather live a hedonistic life full of good things that make you feel good even if they're bad for you, or a healthy life centered around treating your body like a sacred temple and watching your health as closely as possible? Or do you not care either way?

15: Do you think you can tell a lot about a person from the way they express themselves or answer questions like these?

16: Do you have any special or magical memories you'll always have with you?

17: How would you define yourself, without saying your name or giving a physical description of yourself or your obvious personality?

18: When do you feel truly at peace?

19: Do you like having your worldview or opinions challenged or questioned?

20: Do you believe happiness can exist without sadness?

21: Is there a reason for existence?

22: Do you think the world existed before you did?

23: Do you believe people need breaks from each other, even if they're deeply in love?

24: What do you find most beautiful in people?

PEOPLE THAT MATTER: My friends

I consider my friends the true buds wherein I can send silly faces on snapchat. To me, they were the people that matters the most to me. They helped me build up myself as a capable human being. My life could have been a struggle between my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, and a desire to not care at all if it were not for these people.

I sometimes fucked up and messes things up. God I am so sorry. I’m so sorry that I’m such a mess. I am trying so hard to put the pieces back, well, but they helped me focused.

Aside from being the best people, they were the best beer buddies! I loved it when we get together because friends and beers are the perfect combination. So here’s to friends I could call whatever time it is! Sorry if our photo here isn’t complete.

But i know that you know who you are.

I love you people.

Earlier, as I walk in every possible corner of my hometown a little guy approached me and asked me if I were to tell his mother that I saw him. I didn't know his name or his mother and jokingly I told him that. He then pinched me on my arm and asked me if he can come with me to where I'm heading. I declined and told him that talking to strangers are dangerous to kids like him but he shook his head and told me the very mature thing I heard from a maybe 3 year old kid "People are kind. They only became evil because you let them be" he then held my hand and told me that I matter. Maybe a little after 2 minutes his mother arrived.

A strange thing began to build up inside me "You matter" has had effects on me and had gave me a little bit of relief knowing someone gave importance to my very own existance. After our encounter I quickly went to my house and now, began writing this post with my photos from a year ago where I met a kid who were fishing in the Laguna Lake.

His name was Pau-pau. And fishing was their way of living. He has 6 siblings who, like him, fishes near the lake. I asked him if he still study but he jokingly told me he just went to classes but never gave an effort to study their lessons. I asked him why and he told me that it wouldn't matter, even if he finishes school they would still be poor. He has low self esteem and negative thinking, a trait I'm well aware of about myself. After talking to him, he excuses himself and began to put the nylon in the water and after 13 minutes he caught a small fish which made me cheer for his success and give him a high five.

A lot of people with higher chairs than most people do not realize how hard it is for most people to strive for their daily expense. It's sad to see how little we know about these kids who are braver than we are. I just wished someone would be able to give them the inspiration they need to get their head straight back to the life game and study well for their future. Sadly, I knew it wouldn't be me that could change them, but somehow,  I have high hopes that someone would. Because people like them matter too.