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@alginroare
A little low energy today. didn't sleep enough. It's the coffee, and yesterday, the stress. I clicked off a page with out copy and pasting my work. fuck. oh well. learning to regulated my emotions. that was definitely bad. will try to avoid in the future.
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She told my dad, you need to express what you have to say, because not doing that, keeping the negativity is bad. I think she said, "the negativity builds" it's insidious.
With me she said, "negativity kills braincells" as in hold it in, don't verbalize the abuse, don't externalize your anger, --don't say it Happened. cause it could hurt you. 🖕🖕 oh, really.
feeding me the poison, while she gives herself only the best.
--unless I read it wrong.
but she won't let me feel my anger. she won't let me say, ... "you broke my nose on purpse"
saying who hurt you, and that they did it on purpose. and that you are angry. are Good things. She doesn't want to let me have that. ... She wants the negativity to build. She wants to abuse me, and for me not to be able to correctly place the blame. to air something out .
insidious.
this is dangerous revenge.
they tell you to be ashamed of yourself, ... but the reality is they only hated you cause you were pretty.
being unemployed is just-- the least I deserve is a job. one that I attend 3 times a weak. income. and dignitiy for receiving income. the least I deserve is anger for having a broken nose. and a clear idea of who the perpetrator is. and a clear idea that they did it on purpose.
I deserve to have straight nose. pease. at long last. after all the cop trauma and the stress of a mother who won't leave me alone. and preys on my weaknesses and unique traits, while acting like she is doing nothing.
she took my beauty, she know what she was doing.
you know when you're day is going well, and then you run into a bummer. get hit by a bummer. had some wins. being in a good mood. picked up my meds. new ones. afteer calling the guy to see if they were there. --at the pharmacy. they were--! then, you make a stream, only to realize that it wasn't on.
I am going ot let myself be sad. they can't all be wins. technology isn't perfect. either that or. it is my memory. nooo . . . recollection. of either starting stream or not staring it.
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I fell. like, /slipped/. I remember falling ... and I think I was thinking. this is going to hurt. It did. I just waited.
my mom enjoys causing my emotional distress. (possibly severe emotional distress.)(depending on how much she knows about what I am feeling).
a trashbag appeared in my sisters room. my mom said it just got pushed. tdf'aat. before, I heard my sister say, "that is so disrespectful." so maybe my mom had said at that point, it was her. or the lacking accountabiity version of that. like, it got pushed. I didnt' know. that typea shit.
at it again with the "it's an accident"
one day I will be angry enough to ignore her "it's an accident" manipulaton and believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY that she DID break my nose on purpose.
it's the least I deserve. it's the least i fuckkin deserve.
I am about to be on my period. which means i am about to feel lower. feel less. have less energy. maybe that's why I can't get angry. THOUGHHHH . . . on the other hand. I might get pissed, ... cause it is my period. and periods are known for doing that.
I don't know. . . ever since that argument . . . something's changed and I haven't been able to get angry, ... or blame her for breaking my nose.
I think I was successfully gaslit.
my coffee tastes like cucumber a little. cause somebody but cucumber in the pan I usually make my coffee.
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the longer I live, ... the more I am right about men.
(what made me think this. my mom was physically attacking me or intimidating me, I don't remember which (prev. thought), I think it was getting intimidated. I said that. she is going to attack me. she is attacking me. he did nothing.
it's his marriage. it's his wife.
I pay the price. with my body. my voice (which hurts from screaming)(I thought screaming would get her to get away. but she came for more) with my time. with my dreams. with my nose. and with my mental health. my brain doesn't always let me be happy. there is a cap ... on how happy I can get in a day. even when I am not having a bad day. boredom and nothingness. a few days ago I realized I might have depression. after a long time. I was in the shower. and my brain was giving me negative thoughts.
perhaps you couldn't detect a spot of pale lavender in a big white expansive hallway. but let's say you know what the white hallway is like, and now you are in the lavender hallway. the lavender is pale. but there is so much of it, and you can tell now you are in the ... lavender.
(I don't know how the color lavender has to do with depression. it's just an example to quantify depression. someone who has for a long time not known what it was. it's subtle. and when you get a lot of it, maybe, you can tell. lavender was just a random color.
TRIGGER WARNING: physical abuse, neglect, mom abuse (as in abuse done by a mother), parental abuse, intimidation.
one thing I noticed ... was how much harm goes ... into me. how careless this is. my voice is hurt. my mental health. so she can what, be satisfied that I am sufficiently leveled for her own satisfaction.
she pulled my hair. hit me. once or twice. intimidated me. bothered me. said things that I really didn't like (blackmail)(but black mail only specific to me)(and by brain type) it's ... what is she doing this all for.
TRIGGER WARNING: physical abuse, mom abuse (as in abuse done by a mother), parental abuse, intimidation.
at the end of the day she is someone who dislikes me becuase I am pretty and young. and she will use anything to bully me.
she waits until there is no one at home to execute her abuse. my dad did nothing. (not saying it cause I feel bad, but just for the future. so I have that information. so I remember).
I should be able to say she is a hostile woman and mean it. but I can't feel anything. that's one of my biggest problems right now.
... alongside mortality and unemployment.
my throat burns from screaming.
I screamed at her. the first round. but she bothered me. she just kept bothering me. nothing i would do did anyting. I would expend myself (my voice) and she just came for me. --cause this isn't about my unemployment or my messy room (hoarding) it is about those things being convenient things she uses to bully me. they are convenient for her. me having a job then was probably a source of strife. I am a pretty girl, and one day when I have enough money I will leave. and I will live my pretty life. she may not like that. that's why I feel like me losing my job had to do with her. the hostility. she can only commit it when she has a reason to. things that are my mistakes. my shortcomings. therefore -- she has an excuse to abuse me.
leaving the house getting to be pretty under the sun. no. she wants to ruin me first. or never live my life while i am still young. I know I sound conceited. I've had issues with my face for ages. but I suspect that her issues with me come from jealousy. so I don't skirt around it. I say I am pretty.
6:19 am
27/6
I did the thing where i got a job. cause if someone is unemployed you can humiliate them for it. (the same with hoarding and ocd)(I don't know how to explain it, just- she thrives off of making me feel ashamed. like with my dad and the credit card and paying for my tuition. I never wanted that degree. so i need to distance myself from the money she payed for it). but I lost that job. --because of people like her. people who think they can ruin someone's life just cause they don't like them. I suspect she was behind it. she would get to control me. and humiliate me for being unemployed. while continuing not to give me a door. it works out for her. so why would she do it. I need to stop being susceptible to her lies and learn to defend myself (physically) she pulled my hair yesterday and hit me once or twice. she pulled me to the floor. she said she would cover me in blood.
why wouldn't she make me lose my job. being jobless allows her to do all these things to me. with out me having an escape.
she is filthy.
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being admired for your looks is basically like fake love.
I am caught in a web of people who don't like me. my mom, who I suspect was responsible for making me lose my job. and a girl who thought the solution to her not liking me ... was getting rid of me. cutting off my income. it's insidious. it's insane. it's too far. young. pretty. multilingual. has a different style. the new news. your response, cut off her income.