Alfred Pennyworth

get the fuck outta my face

what is it with toddlers and personal space? if this little bald asshole touches my knee one more time i’m launching him across the parking lot

why put cookie dough in the oven when you can put it in your mouth

I don’t know why don’t you ask the bread baking in my vagina.

i’m sorry for whatever i said that caused you to say what you just said

This is as close as you’re gonna get to a dead ancestor appearing in the sky and telling you to get your shit together

i went up to get soda at chipotle and this 6 or 7 year old kid is in front of me and he perfectly filled his cup up almost to the brim with root beer and he carefully moved it under the ice dispenser and i don’t think he realized the consequences his actions would have because a freaking ice avalanche came out of the machine and it was like the root beer just slow-mo ANNIHILATED this poor kid’s face

tip for 6 year olds: dont do TOO well in elementary school, your parents will expect those 5 years of grades for the majority of your school life

do u ever finish an episode of a tv show online and think “man that wouldve been a bad cliffhanger to wait a week for!” as you click the next episode

A number one dad, ten out of ten, Dad of the year, gettin laid all year this year, best dad ever, you did it.

is it me or did the dad lose 200 pounds in 5 seconds