get to your own reality ✈

When my mind’s awry nothing makes me happier than traveling, getting out/going nowhere but somewhere/seeing no-one wanting/nothing but! (circumstance)….At the moment? All kinds of hyped on flight….in homage…playlist of tracks can’t get enough of lately. (all of them take some patience, at first….but then…)

happeningsforhasbeens:

The thing about liars is they always know the truth.

The truth? She makes me feel on edge. Nervous. Like she’s always hoping for something she won’t tell me. Or maybe dosen’t know yet. I get it. Expectancy Syndrome. I’ve got it too. Probably, it’s why she and I have been friends for so long.

“Adventure twins”..or maybe in less sparkling terms just two dopamine junkies with too much money.  With veins pulsing, hair flowing, she drives, winding down the Valley into the lights below as if the car were a kite…90mph, a Thursday night, we spin reckless. Weightless. A hundred types of adjectives shaded day to day depending on the whims of how retrospect decides to romanticizes it.

“I think you’re driving too fast…” I say surprising myself at how momish a voice can become in just a few words.

“Am I?” she says, like someone reminded her it was her turn to go forward in the post office line.

I avoid both sets of eyes, hers and mine in the passenger mirror.

When did I start realizing she could kill me? Because it wasn’t in the hand that poured her a drink or lit her blunt; but now? That same damn hand of mine suddenly chokes the door handle with knuckles white; clenched.

We drive on. The night has barely begun; but the moon already hangs high, bored in the velvet young sky.

Young?

Are we?

Maybe.

Lately age just seems a nice genre to soundtrack whatevers the moment. Based on that? 20 something beats at 120BPM with a bass line building that says soon the song will be ending.

I watch the dot skip along the khaki map lines of the GPS and wish it were that simple. A dot. Some lines. Nothing more, just distance, and a straight simple line from A to B, where nothing can collide and knock me in the teeth. Bones and velocity, we move forward, rapidly, but somehow, my body remains stuck in this dimension—suspended.

With a few bad tattoos, and a steady deja vu haze of hungover happenings that curiously keep repeating, among friends our memories play out sparkling like poker chips. Alone? I wonder if I’m just one bad hand away from folding up and cashing in…Here yet again, fast lane in slow motion, recreating moments in with a little more kick and a little less wit—as if it will make what has been come alive again.

-happenings for hasbeens (excerpt)

actegratuit:

- Sisyphe

- Autodidacte

 Erwan Soyer

“Tâchez de garder toujours un morceau de ciel au dessus de votre vie.”

“Animal Instinct,” was picked as a  finalist in the MCASD Greedy Eye Competition!

s t i l l

still i wake exhausted and wonder what it means. these things that whirl....

lately i wonder if i have OCD...i brush my teeth while cleaning floors on hands and knees...this didn't used to be me. maybe i just like things really clean? yet somehow my room is a cacophony of unkept disheveled things. maybe i just like some things clean.

the things that deserved to be kept clean are the things that have never made me feel dirty i think. kitchen floors, bathroom halls, what did they ever do to me? so i keep them clean, albeit a little feverishly.

but the clothes hunched along my bed spin in memories. apricot dress hanging from a chair says it's been cast off carelessly, lovelessly, (once i thought it rare.)

i used to play this game as a kid that i had been hired to clean my room. sometimes it was the truth. sometimes i had been bribed. but i used to pretend that this was my job, this is who i was, someone who made things made sense.

at work i keep things in little piles. partly to show myself i CAN build responsibility one linear line at a time. partly because i know it's what an unseen expects of me; 'its my femininity,' i hear him thinking.

is it?  in so many ways, "domesticity," has come easy....simple things, bread making, mint growing, tea drinking, bed making, learning furniture, leaving old, re-arranging "home."

but is it in my gender? or is it pure contented 'settling,' in the best sense of 

this is where i need to be?

(i don't know, just some things i've been thinking, lately.)