Ponderings

They say that the universe will make sure you never meet again if its not meant to be.

I have not seen you since.

You are married now.

Rather than feeling sad as I thought I would…things feel…different. I felt like something in me completely vanished. Thats what I needed to finally let go. To finally fully let go.

I thought Id be sad.

But somehow i feel…free.

I feel free.

Im not going to lie and say im jumping for joy, I’m not. But Im also not sad about it.

I feel like thats what I needed to snap back.

Life got hard for me almost a year ago. I almost died. I got a heartbreaking diagnosis. I had to leave a job that I adored and move back home for a while for treatment. I felt like life was beating me at every corner I turned. No matter what I did to try and stand up…i kept being dragged further and further down.

I came back home and people are living. People are doing their own thing. Meanwhile, my life stopped for some time. I knew I was drowning and hurt…I was dying…and I felt okay with that.

Then I learned that you are married.

And somehow….i felt like my life came back to me. I felt like it was so easy to breathe again. I started getting better. I started living

New opportunities opened up for me that I didnt even think were possible. My life started taking very different turns and honestly…i feel like I can live fully again.

Ive come to realize through this all:

Thats crazy when I think about it. This next one wont be my last but, it will be home.

And now that I know, youre in a relationship.

So sorry if it feels like im stepping back. You cant just tell me that and not expect me to want to do something about it.

Im not innocent.

She knows about it now. Im so relieved and at the same time embarrassed to think shed see me as less than for having made this decision.

I wonder if you have places you dont like going to anymore because of me.

But more than anything, i wonder if you wonder about me as much as I do about you.

Im moving again. Im starting over again…and i am excited beyond belief.

Life is good.

Theyre so passionate about their life.

Hes not the sun.

You told me you still loved me and had been waiting for me and I was at a loss for words. Everything I wanted to tell you, you told me. As if you could read my thoughts better than me.

That’s exactly how I knew it was just that, a dream .

Its been some time since I have. We were laughing. We were on the carpet floor and we were…laughing.

I dont recall the conversation we had but hearing your laughter again.

It was bittersweet. Nostalgic even. Its been a while.