Hate Me

I hope the good find happiness and everyone else suffers the way I have every moment of every day and never is allowed to leave this hell.

It is a cry for help.

It didn't before.

But I didn't.

I'm talented at that.

I never should have been conceived.

It will blame victims for everything.

It will humiliate them twice for other people's wickedness.

Crush, kill, destroy the wicked instead. Make example of them so horrific that no matter the allure any transgressive thought will send the soul into convulsions and leave a person paralyzed for an hour on the floor.

Make every man, woman, and child see

beam it into their heads

all over television

in every newspaper

on every street corner.

They were.

For a few days.

And then they changed and swept away what goodness there was in me.

I already was broken with near-totality when they met me.

They finished the rest.

But I might have been redeemed instead.

Isn't that unbearable to know?

Not for you

who gives any noun what you think?

but for me. To know that I was on an atom's edge between life and death and someone could have saved me.

They chose to ruin me instead.

That was a choice.

That was not something that just happened.

That was not an accident.

That was volition and agency.

And they did it. It didn't matter whether they knew or not. That never should matter.

Would it have mattered if those five boys that gang-raped me when I was nine had known it would shatter a mind already going fast after years of abuse and cruelty without reprieve?

Oh, does God only give ordeals people can handle? is that even supposed to matter if it's true?

(spoiler alert: It's not)

Should people be understanding of victimizers because they don't know what effect their cruelty and selfishness will have on their victims?

I think there's a better approach than individual punishment: Let the victimizers go free without being touched and destroy everyone in their lives.

A husband commits evil?

Gang-rape his wife or husband right in front of him

bash his children's brains out all over the walls

burn his parents alive in front of him

destroy all his property.

Then make him live.

Write out all your pain and it's just duplicated on the page.

No point.

No point.

No point at all.

Civilization was a mistake. It all was. Humans are not mature enough for it.

I've tried

I've really tried.

I'm beautiful

my body is beautiful

Give no second chances.

Every day resets to the same misery.

People accuse me of wanting this. Would you want this? Would you really if you could have anything else?