temari

Ever since the lockdown started last March 15,2020, I think i've pretty much adjusted to the "New Normal". The one thing I didn't expect though was that I would be struggling with anxiety.

I've had my highs ans lows during this lockdown. There are days when everything is good, then there are days when I question everything I've been doing.

My anxiety gets trigerred over the smallest misunderstandings with the people I work with. Sometimes, I wish people weren't such jerks and would be a bit more compassionate towards other people. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, kindess is still free for us to give to others, right?

I started losing the motivation to do my devotions, give my best at work, and even stay consistent in leading my cell group. Everything suddenly felt too much. Too tiring.

I rmeind myself everyday to come to the Lord. To seek Him first, but man... The fuckery of this government and the personal conflicts with other people make it hard to cling to your faith.

But if Jesus never gives up on us, who are we not to love, forgive, and have compassion for others.

And so, I didn't cancel my 1 week leave from work. I'm supposed to be in Taiwan now, but then COVID-19 happened. Still, I'll take this time to allow my self to rest and recuperate.

I'll use this time to be there for others and to strenghten my relationship with the Lord.

The one thing I absolutely hate about myself is my lack of social skills. I'm so awkward around people I'm not close with, I can tell when they're not comfortable being with me.

I hate it. I hate being the new employee. I wish we could fast forward to like 6 months later and I'm super close with everyone in the office.

I guess what's different with this one is that there are a lot of girls. Why is it that in girlverse, it's a lot harder to make close friends than with guys?! Oh who am I kidding, maybe it's just me. I just the worst time getting along with girls.

But you know what, life's not going to wait nor adjust for me. I know that if I want something to change, I gotta get our my freakin' comfort zone and try. Everyday is a new chance to start again.

God has me, what can I not overcome? I can do this!!!! Hehe.

So, was three months out of the job and my money was running out. I needed to find a new job, and it had to be by January of 2019.

Then Sven called, and I got hired as a junior content specialist around Jan 30. God is good!

I love everything about my job. I got the position I secretly wanted from my freelance work.

I promised God, mym family, and myself that I would give it my best. This time, I'll make sure I get that regularization offer. God assured me that I am equipped for it. That with Him, all things are possible.

Sadly, that all seems to be a big blurr at the moment. I seem to keep messing up, even with the smallest task. I'm still under the first three months, and I can't afford to standout in a bad way.

I can see the look on their faces everytime I mess things up. I can tell that they're trying their best not to make me feel bad, but I've been a professional long enough to know that it won't last. That sometimes, the people who hold it in have the most to say about you. Because of that, I'm nervous with their feedback about me as a junior co-worker.

Plus, we're moving to our own building soon. With everything that was shared to us, our new office will be awesome. God, I hope maabutan ko pa. Pleaaaaseeee. Imagine, I pass around Quezon Avenue almost everyday, esp. on Sunday. I don't think kakayanin ko to see Sven kapag hinde ako na-regular.

I know You, Lord. I know You placed me here for a reason. I know this is for my growth. Please. Please let me stay here. Let m improve on ym learning curve and be the best version of me at work. Please guide me on improving my relationship with people at work.

They say, your first three months are the most important months of your life.

Well, I totally agree with that. Let me tell you why.

I lost an amazing opportunity a couple of months ago. That experience broke me. Imahine slowly being told that you're not cut out for the job not because you're not skilled, but because you can't keep up with the pace of the company.

Let me take you back a bit.

I was so happy getting an opportunity to find work that was relatively close to where my boyfriend works.

I had the salary I was asking for, there was a "karinderya" that sold affordable meals, my schedule was flexible. Everything was perfect. Well that minus the 2-hour trip to and from work. But hey, gotta love the one ride commute.

As the work started to increase, I found myself struggling to finish just three articles. Don't get wrong, they adjusted the dealdines according to the length of the article, but man. I wasn not meant to just be content writer for the rest of my life. I wanted the life of a content strategist. I just wish I worked hard enough to earn it. To be honest, I wish I started with a goal other than to earn money.

I'd come home every night, motivating myself to do better the next day. I'd be so full of will, seeing my work returned to me, complete with more revisions that I could ever imagine, burned me out.

My coaching sessions started happening more frequently. I'd always be called for a 1-on-1 training, while my co-writer --also a newbie-- wasn't getting called as much.

Sometimes, my work would be so bad that my content editor had to rewrite the whole thing from scratch. That made me sick to my stomach.

Although, there were tons of great times. Fun night outs, my miyenda trip with Mocha, lunch out with the gang, etc.

Too bad I lost a place to call home when Christmas time came around. I only had one Christmas party, and it was at our church. I envied all those who had more than one party.

To be honest, my birthday wasn't all that special either. I felt so "ordinary" that month.

Then judgment day came. I was told I wasn't going to be given the job as a regular employee. I had thirty days to get everything done for a smooth turnover. To be honest, I hoped those thirty days would get them to change their minds. And I really did try my best.