I recently learned about the 'narcissistic abuse' model and it's been very helpful in terms of clarifying the frankly incomprehensible conduct of my primary abusers. So of course, when I idly Tumblr searched it and saw a lot of people with npd saying stuff like "blame the person, not the disorder", my reaction was surprised and a little defensive. Is it really ableist to name my reality in this way?
After all, understanding abuse in general did not helpfully clarify my abusers' behavior or its effect on me. Surely one must understand both the person and the disorder to make this experience understandable? What would it mean for me if that wasn't the case?
The first conclusion was that it wouldn't mean anything. It doesn't really matter if the abusive refusal to relate with another person stems from a disability or a choice. The end result is the same for the victim. In that sense, the "pathological narcissist" simply functions as a symbol, a myth that helps abuse victims detach from their abusers by assuring them of the irreconcilable nature of the dynamic. That symbol is unnecessary to fully grasp general abuse dynamics and obviously encourages people to conflate narcissism and abuse unfairly. In the final analysis, a narcissist is just a very sick, traumatized person. Whether that trauma is expressed as abuse is secondary.
On the other hand, I do think there is merit in identifying the psychic mechanisms that undergird exploitative behavior. An abuser is not untouched by her own abuse; she is shaped by it to an even greater extent than her victim. Human relationships are the foundation of consciousness, so it makes sense that a dysfunctional relationship model would be reflected in conscious and unconscious aspects of an abuser's psyche.
It's the difference between objectifying the abuser as a sort of pain dispenser and recognizing her as a projection of her own trauma and dysfunction. The first is a comforting lie; the second an integrated reality in which one can choose to participate or abstain in the abuser's fantasy. To me, the second is far superior when it comes to healing. That's why people who probably can't even define narcissism still get a lot of mileage from the idea of narcissistic abuse. Even if the content is wrong, the conclusion is still helpful.
Nothing works for everyone. Those with NPD struggling to relate to themselves in a world that hates them, abuse victims looking for an easy narrative through pop psychology, and abuse victims finding a correct model to describe their experiences with NPD abusers all have different needs. What is important to me is understanding my own experiences honestly and integrating them rather than projecting them onto others.
I want this post to help other people struggling to think critically about ableism, abuse, and narcissism while also holding space to heal. Please do not respond if this does not describe you.
