It Was Nice Knowing You

I'm grown,

And I speak up to my dad,

Maybe at the wrong time.

But something I've learned,

Is it will always be the wrong time,

To bleed all over someone,

For things they don't even remember.

I say "I know you didn't mean to,

But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt me. "

I say it so calmly,

But the voice of a child comes out.

I tell him he doesn't even know me,

That I haven't lived under his roof

In 13 years,

That he didn't even really know me then,

For that matter.

The words of a woman,

The hurt of a little kid.

I go to find my anger,

Dredge up the seemingly bottomless pit,

The fuel I rely on,

It's 11:17pm on the last day of my 20s. I can't believe it. I didn't think it'd hit me so hard and yet here I am crying. The end of such a huge era. The first decade of my life in 2 decades that wasn't at all touched by them. It feels like the cleanest slate I could ever have been given, and there was a time in my life where I thought he'd always be the biggest part. The first decade in all my time on earth where I'm starting to finally know myself. It's not perfect, I will always have new things to discover, new things to dredge up from the depths of my stomach... And I think I will always battle with self doubt and criticism... But there is a 30 year old woman now who knows that's not true. There's some part of me, a light that grows and grows, that not only knows that I'm worthy of acceptance, but fights for it. Thoughts expressed without hesitation. Every time I speak up, I'm doing it for the version of me 10 years ago... 20 years ago... The times where I didn't know what to say, or that I should say anything at all. I'm growing into my purpose, with strong values that I actually let guide me. I have people who love me, the real me... Lasting friendships that embrace all of the weird, all of the loud and the fast talking... And love me for all of it. I have a son. I didn't think I would have kids, but I have my own little piece of light to guide and love and protect. He's perfect. Life is as perfect as I think it's ever been. But I don't trick myself into thinking it's as perfect as it'll ever be, as I'm sure my 30s hold things yet to come that will be even better. I'm proud of myself for getting to where I am. It's a pretty big accomplishment when you didn't think you'd live past 19.