Elmo asked her as he smirked.
Julie blinked at him with confusion. “Huh?”
The two of them were sitting next to each other in the library of her college. It was already four in the afternoon and her last class just ended while Elmo’s classes were all scheduled in the morning so they agreed to meet up at the library where he had been waiting for a few hours until her classes were over. He was reading a book when she arrived and they decided to stay for another hour so she could also get a few homeworks done as early as possible.
A few minutes into writing though, her thoughts wandered from her history paper to Elmo as her gaze suddenly landed upon his face and they stayed there until he finally looked up to her and caught her eyes.
His smirk then turned into a full blown smile and laughed softly. “Why are you staring at me?”
“Am not!” She countered rather defensively.
“Are too,” he answered right back. Then that oh so familiar smirk returned again. “Gwapo ko ba?”
“Whatever,” Julie said, rolling her eyes.
She actually wanted to say yes but refrained from doing so to prevent inflating his already large ego. She was guilty anyway, so she just surrendered to avoid prolonging an argument that she knew herself she couldn’t win.
She has been doing that a lot lately–just staring at Elmo. Sometimes intentionally, but most of the time she just usually found herself staring at him for so long like he held all the questions of the world. And maybe he did, at least of her world. She just couldn’t help it and it’s not just because of how good looking he was, but also of how Elmo was very patient and passionate with her.
He chuckled smugly, knowing that he just won. There was another teasing looking on his face before he spoke again. “Sagutin mo na kasi ako. Para hindi ka lang puro titig sa akin ng ganyan.”
“Ganyan?” Julie repeated, a frown settled on her forehead.
“Ganyan,” he shrugged. Elmo glanced at her then went back to the book he was reading before she came in and sat on his side, smiling knowingly. “Parang gusto mo ‘kong halikan.”
Julie blushed furiously but tried to hide it by laughing as quietly as she could and smacking him on the shoulder. “Sira ka talaga!”
“Sige na kasi,” he teased further as he feigned a hurt expression while rubbing his shoulder.
“Ano? Sige na, sagutin na kita?” She whispered mockingly as she went along with his playfulness, leaning forward to him thinking it would make him uncomfortable.
As it turned out, she was wrong because Elmo leaned closer into her, his breath touching the corner of her lips. Then he answered seductively, “Hindi. Pa-kiss naman.”
The move obviously caught her off guard, her face heating and red. She moved away from him as fast as she could, afraid that he would hear how fast her heart was beating from his proximity.
“Hay nako. Ewan ko sa'yo, Magalona!”
Elmo had been courting Julie for almost a year now but she had been adamant to take things slow and he was all happy to comply–which she didn’t exactly understood. She thought 10 months was too long for a guy to court someone and while Elmo would sometimes keep on asking for her yes, he had been really patient and understanding.
It wasn’t like prolonging the courting stage was a test for Elmo; she just really had hang ups about love and relationship. It wasn’t like she was cynical about these things either, she considered herself a hopeless romantic in fact. But she also was a realist. And part of her reality were a broken family and a complicated childhood. Her parents separated when she was just a kid but both had their own new families. And all of them were happy. So yes, Julie believed in true love and happy endings but she knew that not everyone was lucky enough to make it last forever. Just like how her parents weren’t able to stay together.
He just shook his head lightly and was about to go back to reading when he turned to face her again. He raised an eyebrow to her, a small smile on his lips but his voice was void of any teasing when he asked. “So bakit nga?”
He stared at her, waiting patiently for an answer, while she just stared back at him. And again, the endless clouds of thoughts started to swirl in her mind.
In the ten months that Elmo had been courting her, they had become really close–way closer than regular friends would be but a little less than how two people in a relationship were supposed to be. Elmo had earned her friendship, her trust and her affection. Despite of the walls still up around her, Julie had actually let him in quite a little if not fully.
There was just one thing Elmo was yet to earn completely though: her heart. But he might as well was on his way to steal it from her because of the way he took care of her, the way he made her laugh, the way he made sure to call her every night and a lot more. It was just her stubborn mind that wouldn’t cooperate completely.
One thing that Julie really loved about her ‘relationship’ with Elmo was that they were more like best friends who just happened to be attracted with each other. They had always been honest with each other and, most of the time, were comfortable in speaking their thoughts unfiltered. With the exception of the depth of feelings about him, she told almost everything to Elmo.
Which was why even though she was hesitant, she trusted that Elmo would give honest answers to her questions.
“I’m just wondering…” She started slowly. “Why haven’t you given up yet? It’s been what, ten months?”
His face was blank for a moment then another small smile formed slowly on his lips. “Why? Do you want me to give up na ba?”
“No!” She said immediately and when she noticed that his grin got wider, she realized what her reaction just implied. She blushed for the third time that afternoon and tried to backtrack. “I–I mean I don’t know. That’s totally up to you. Bahala ka,” trying to shrug nonchalantly but to no avail.
Just when Elmo was about to open his mouth to say something, the university bell rang indicating that administration offices were about to close, including the library, so she quickly stood up and gathered her stuff, trying hard not to look at him. She could still feel his gaze on her as he also stood up to get his books and it even made her face more heated than it already was. Julie practically ran out of the library, not waiting for Elmo, but she could hear his footsteps following closely behind her so she didn’t bother to look back even until she reached his car in the lot. He still opened the door for her though which she really appreciated and as they drove to her house, she couldn’t help but stare at him again.
“It’s because of that,” Elmo said, breaking the comfortable silence between them without even glancing her way.
She blinked once again at him as she was caught off guard by his random talking.
He chuckled lightly as he finally spared a look at her. “You asked me why I haven’t given up on courting you. It’s because of that.”
“What?” Julie asked, dumbfounded.
“It’s because of the way you look at me every time I catch your stare,” he elaborated further. He then smiled sheepishly before adding, “I might sound conceited for saying this but I think you do want to be with me as well..”
She didn’t know how to respond to that.
But Elmo continued, not waiting for her response. “You’re just scared. I’m not exactly sure of what, but I know you’re scared of something. And I see it every time you look at me like that. It gives me hope that one day, hopefully soon, I will finally figure out what’s scaring you and put that fear to rest.” He gazed at her ever so softly as he spoke the last sentence gently. “Then maybe, just maybe.. You’re going to finally be ready to be with me.”
Elmo stopped the car and she looked around, confused. Julie realized then that they just arrived in front of her house but she didn’t want to go home just yet. They weren’t done talking anyway. So she released her seatbelt, twisted around the passenger seat and leaned back against the car door to face him fully.
Julie tilted her head to the side as she looked at Elmo intently. “How can you say that? You say that like you already know me so well.”
And maybe he did. Heck, thinking about it, he probably knew her better than anyone else.
Elmo released his seat belt as well, mimicking her position on the driver’s seat so now they were facing each other except he wasn’t leaning against the door. He sat up straight and moved forward to her to take her hands and held them in front of their bodies.
“Julie, I’ve been courting you for ten months already. And we’ve known each other for about two months before I fell for you. Of course, I do know you. I pay attention to everything about you,” he countered as he moved his thumbs slowly around her knuckles.
His answer made her smile. She knew this for a fact but she didn’t realize how much he actually paid attention to all the things about her. She was touched that Elmo liked her enough to really put so much effort in getting to know her. As a child of a broken up parents, they loved her but she wasn’t really given that much of attention especially when her parents married other people and started building another set of families.
Squeezing his hands and sitting up straight as well so they were now very close to each other, she decided to humor Elmo and asked what else he saw when she looked at him like ‘that.’
Elmo happily obliged as he stared directly into her eyes. She could see the intensity of the emotions behind his eyes and she couldn’t help but get lost in them as he spoke. “Your eyes seem full of wonder. Maybe what ifs. I’m not really sure, I just know you but I’m not a mind reader either. It’s like every time I catch you looking at me intently, you’re having an internal battle with yourself. Like you were weighing the pros and cons of being with me.” He shrugged.
Julie didn’t speak for a few minutes after that. She just let everything Elmo said sink in. Everything he said was on point and she couldn’t have said it better herself. Because the truth was she really wanted to be with him. She wouldn’t let him stick around for ten months if she didn’t want him. It’s just that every time she would think she was finally ready to give her answer, she would chicken out because of all the things running through her head.
“It’s like you’re a wonder wall to me,” she just blurted out. She said it so softly she was kinda surprised that Elmo still caught it, just proving that he really paid attention to her.
“Wonder wall,” he repeated as he pondered on the word. “I kinda love and hate the idea of that,” he smiled at him though there was a crease on his forehead that indicated his confusion.
She shrugged as she looked away. Then she added, “Well, we both know I still have these proverbial walls up around me that make it hard for you to figure me out at times.”
“Yeah..” He agreed, laughing lightly at her defensive tone.
She couldn’t help but smile at how Elmo could be really accepting of her flaws. She let go of his hands though and put a little space between them so she could think straight. His warmth and proximity had been very distracting to her and she wanted to try to finally open up to him completely.
She then proceeded to reminisce and told him something she had never shared with him before. “I have this white wall in our old house’s backyard before we moved. And when I was younger, I would sit in front of it, especially when my parents would fight, and I would stare at it for so long. Just thinking and imagining a lot of stuff. Sometimes I would draw or write on it but only inside my head because I wasn’t allowed to vandalize our own property. But that wall helped me figure things out.”
Julie remembered those times. Her parents would start talking calmly but there was always that underlying tension around them then their voices would raise on each other. Before they even get to the shouting and screaming at each other part, she would escape the house to the backyard. A few feet across their house’s white wall, there was a big tree that had been there even before she was born. She would sit under its shade and Julie would just stare at the wall, waiting for the shouting to die down. As she waited, her thoughts would wander and she would imagine a different kind of home where her parents never fought. They loved her so much and never neglected her even when they broke up but she still wished they were able to work through their marriage for her sake. Whose child wouldn’t want their parents to stay with each other and grow old together, right?
Going back to the present, she stared at Elmo for the nth time that afternoon as she went on.
“And sometimes, I can’t help but look at you through those walls. I’ve always wondered how it would feel to finally break them down and just let you in,” Julie explained, reaching out again for his hand and she held it with both of hers. “I wonder about the things you could make me feel; the things that I could make you feel. I wonder about the endless possibilities and the amazing adventures I could have with you. I wonder how it would feel like to be with you.” She smiled every time that thought would cross her mind. But it also faded as a frown appeared between her eyebrows. “But I also ask myself if I’m finally ready to give my heart out fully. If I can finally be vulnerable to someone like that. I’m scared to give someone the power to hurt me. Honestly, I’m scared of being hurt,” she finally confessed her fears.
Elmo smiled and tried to assure and comfort her. But she saw an ache in his eyes. “So what you’re trying to say is that you’re scared of giving your heart out to me?” He asked hesitantly as if he’s almost afraid to hear her answer.
He probably knew that as much as he wanted to put that fear to rest, he couldn’t do anything about it really because it was out of his control. It was going to be all up to her. And knowing Elmo, he would want to fix everything for her.
“No,” Julie assured him. And even though it scared the shit out of her, she finally admitted, “I’m.. I’m scared of you handing it back to me.”
She saw how that little confession affected Elmo ultimately. The ache in his eyes was immediately replaced by so much hope that even when he wasn’t smiling anymore, his eyes were definitely twinkling.
“But you do want to be with me, right?”
Because she realized now that it’s time for her to fix everything herself. There’s this boy who had been patiently waiting for her, and though he had already waited for ten months, she also knew Elmo wasn’t going to wait forever. He was eventually going to get tired of hanging around even if he didn’t want to and he was going to be her ‘the one that got away’. And she didn’t want that to happen. Elmo had done everything for her and now it’s her turn to do everything for him because he deserved it.
Julie had loved him from the very first time he asked her to be his girlfriend. She wasn’t ready to take the risk before but now she was.
She was only able to whisper those two words because even though she had this newfound courage, the whole thing was still scaring her shitless. But the conviction and honesty behind them were unmistakeable as she was finally putting her heart out there. She was finally breaking the walls down, giving him the power to throw her heart away and step on it anytime but she trusted him enough to take care of it.
Of course, the ever gentle Elmo Magalona securely held her proverbial heart in his hands as that oh so familiar smirk settled upon his lips.
“You’re looking at me again like you want to kiss me.”
And as she realized that she had also grown tired of just wondering and staring through the proverbial wall, she leaned forward to him and wrapped her hands around his neck to pull him closer, the center console of Elmo’s car between them.
“It’s because I’m about to.”
She whispered as her lips descended to meet his.
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