KodaWritezz

It’s always “ God makes no mistakes” when it comes to the wrong set of wings being placed onto me

But I didn’t ask for the title of an angel or goddess from the mundanes that worship me

They see what’s on the outside and like to label what they can see rather than what I tell them I am

I am no angel or demon , I’m simply just a being

Why refuse to listen because of your ignorance, why not learn about the being you like to say you love

If I really was that important to you then you’d respect who I really was

Stop pretending you know exactly what I am

All you’re doing is deluding yourself from the truth

I’ve spent my whole life sitting in a can

Never being able to move an inch of my skin

Holding my breath to be able to function right

And crying my heart out for freedom

I never thought that anything could hurt more

More than the abandonment of being set on a shelf

And being forgotten and the last to be chosen

Nothing I did was ever enough to be loved

And despite how deeply that has hurt

Her hurting breaks me to pieces

I’d live on this lonely shelf for the rest of my days

If it meant that she could be free from her pain

I’d never fight any battles harder than hers if she let me

I’d slay all of her demons and buy her a castle

I’d suffer for eternity just so that she could have peace

I am insecure

And I am rash sometimes

When I feel overwhelmed I like to hurt myself

Because I’d rather hurt me than you

Part of me loves being in love with her

But the other part just desperately wants to self sabotage what good we have going on

I am not a victim

But I am a survivor

You can catch me crying at those triggers

But you won’t find me accepting the truth

I like to push my feelings aside

And I won’t put up boundaries

Even after you make me cry

With her there is no being wrong

And it bugs me to no end

Because she’d rather rationalize everything instead of giving me a little sympathy

I am sensitive

Not as tough as I’d like to be

But I hope one day when all things are coming to an end

That they know that I tried

A longing tugs at my heart constantly

To go back and redo what I did so that I could keep you in my life despite … the fact that you were already leaving

Sometimes I wonder if it would have changed anything

Or would you still have left me all alone

All because he left us both all too soon

Or maybe you would have stayed

And we could have grown up together and be the team he dreamed us to be

Because I know he didn’t plan this

Kids .

That’s what we were , just kids trying to get by in the world

But this world is nasty and isn’t made for innocent souls

It’s made for those who keep circling in guilt of playing the devils game and corrupt all

We were victims of this evil game played by the souls who kept us captive with the titles of parents

They forced us to grow up too fast with their proclaimed love

The love that made us shed tears and wish that we could just disappear

A love that made us never want to be parents in fear of being just like them

And for some of us it was too late before we realized that it wasn’t love at all

That it was hate

And those who were late are now at heavens gates begging God to let them in for relief of this sick torture

And what does he do when he greets them ?

He smiles and says

I feel as though I’m slowly slipping

Slipping from your hands and the sky is calling my name

It wants me to fall through its sharp breath

And be as torn up as I am in the inside on the out ,

I was scared , not of you , but of what loving you would do to me

And I had every right to be

Because now my world revolves around you and everytime you leave it’s like my breath gets knocked out of me

All my thoughts are jumbled up with feelings of love and I can’t stand straight anymore

You are the perfect being but you came at the wrong time , I wish it had been you instead of him

Because then we could have been what we’re hoping for now

I guess it’s not your hands I’m slipping from but my own

Now that I have no control of my heart it feels like everything is falling apart

But that’s apart of being in love

And I would fall for you all over again just like I do everytime I see your beautiful smile

I imagine our future whether it’s as lovers or friends and that’s how I know we’re soul mates

Because you just bring out this side of me I never knew I had

You were the first person to ever break my fragile heart and I used to watch as you tore it apart slowly and brutally

I naively trusted you even though I knew who you really were underneath your thick mask that you wore to distract the innocent

Did you enjoy tearing my life apart from the inside out ? Did you enjoy watching me cry in pain from the stings ? Did you enjoy watching me slowly start to hate you more than anything ?

How does a father of four treat their kids like they don’t matter to him , shove them out of the way and leave them to fend for themselves out in the world without any love

I used to want your approval more than anything in the world but the longer I stayed the more I realized why everyone else left while they still had a chance

Because you break everything you come into contact with , you tear it to shreds and leave it unfixable but I won’t let you do that to me anymore

There are days when all of my thoughts are all jumbled up

They collide and crash into each other likes waves in the dark night sea

But as soon as I see your stunning smile or hear your contagious laugh it draws me out of my inner doom

It’s like when you’re around my heart knows exactly what to do and I become internally impressed

Do you know what you do to me when you look me in the eyes or is everytime just a a sweet surprise

Because I get lost in yours like a sailor stuck in the sea except I never ever want to leave

But then I start to realize it’s because you were just a cold heart and broken person

All alone in your own pain and I just happened to be the one thing you could let out your frustration on

But understand this old man I’m wiser now and I know that it wasn’t my fault

I was never flawed or incapable of being loved , only by you

And I know my self worth now I do and I’ll never let anyone treat me the way I let you

I’m sorry I let you down

I didn’t guard you the way I should have

I let the cracks seep in and spread

And the I caught them too late

The heartbreak

Now you’re crumbling to pieces

Or wait ..

You were crumbling

So fast that I didn’t have time to catch up

But now that the pain is lessening slowly

I’m able to fill up those cracks with more love

A pure and whole love

From myself and them

The ones who stood by me through it all

The ones I can call family

So dear heart I know I’ve put you through it

But let’s give it one more try

God was I so happy and naive to believe it

I sung that song until it was ingrained in my brain

I wore it out on my tongue and ears all in 3 days

So stupid of me to believe for a second I was special

When all you were doing to love bombing me

Coaxing me into falling in love with your perfectly made facade

Are you happy that for a week I was torn down like a broken melody just trying to be heard

Well listen to me now ,

I know that I’m heard and I know my worth

No longer will I let you have any control

You want to fuck around go ahead boy

I’ll choose the person who’s put my feelings first

Who’s cared enough to ask what I want

And has been honest and has my trust ,

I’ll choose the person who I care deeply about

have some hope

Because after my light dimmed out their smile lit

my world

It was nothing planned but god I hope it works

out

Because I owe myself something real after all

this pretend

And I know I could give them what was stolen

from me with ease

I know that with all of my heart that I would try

Because when you fall in love it isn't about you

It's about this deep connection you have to

nurture or it'll die

And trust me, no way would I ever let our light

dim out

You say you’re sorry like it’s a line you’ve rehearsed a thousand times

Im sorry doesn’t cover up that facts that you’ve committed the cruelest crimes

Hurting your children were just games and you played them until you were bored

So yeah I won’t forgive you even if you begged from your non existent grave

I hope you’re burning and rotting where it hurts the most

You need to feel the pain ten times over of what you made me feel

And I won’t accept an apology until I see your hurt

Hurt like I still am today

Hurt that you made me feel just as a kid

Hurt that haunts me all day

All the things that went wrong

And when I can find that feeling in a

song

I play it on repeat and retreat into that

memory

But I've noticed it's consumed me now

I'm starting to lose today with

yesterday

I'm starting to lose what I have now

With what pain caused me years ago

I've lost the happiness I could've had

Because I put these memories on

replay that just make me sad

I'm turning into a constant playing

Who would’ve known that you’d be both

I tried telling you things I’ve never told anyone before

And yet you made it a fucking chore

Isn’t it supposed to be easy to talk to you

The one who is supposed to love me more than anything

But I guess you just made me feel like more of a victim

And after this I’ll never look at you the same

Because I’m trying to move on from the hurt

And when I look at you I see the core

I wonder if I’ll miss you when I move on

But I know one thing , I chose the right side

The one that stood up for me from the beginning ,