WILL

I

MATTER?!

They say you’re suppose to lean on your support system for help, but I truly have no desire to talk to anyone. And even if I did they likely won’t know how to help me. I don’t even know how to help myself.

What answer am I searching for? I feel trapped in my emotions. Stuck in endless sadness. I’m faking my way through everything. My passion for life is gone. To be fair I’m not sure I ever had a “passion for life” but if there was any part of me that had that passion it feels more distant than ever before.

I’m taking every little thing so personal because of my fucked up desire to be 1000% perfect. I’m literally turning into a robot. A mannequin. Pretty soon I’ll be nothing more than a piece of unmoving plastic with zero substance and an inability to build a meaningful connection with anyone.

I feel extremely disconnected from everyone and everything. I’m trapped in a weird routine where it feels like I’m screaming for people to notice me, on a deeper level, and if they do notice it’s only because they’re distracted by my physical appearance and nothing more.

Cuz that’s just it, that’s all I have. My looks. It’s all anyone ever seems to care about when it comes to me. Surface level only. I can’t possibly be anything beyond that. I’m wonderful to just look at and admire from afar but outside of that I’m extremely unlikable.

And yet, why I do I care so much for these deeper connections if parts of me keep saying to myself “I don’t give a fuck about anyone else.” If I don’t care about anyone else, why should I care what they think of me? Am I realizing that maybe I’m just not cut out for this? Sure maybe it’s just the pressures of drag talking, and I need to just take a breather and let it go, but this constantly comes up to the point that it’s making me dislike EVERYTHING in my life and I feel like I have nothing left in my world that I enjoy. Even watching TV feels like a fucking chore.

This is so fucked, and I want to so badly change the channel of my brain and take my own advice. Who cares if those group of people don’t like you. FUCK THEM. I am so sick and tired all the time so I shouldn’t be expending any energy toward that. Stop checking in on him. IT’S DONE. It’s been done for FOUR YEARS. LET IT FUCKING GO.

I’m starting to feel like I want to be a different person. Either that or someone who wants to runaway and not look back. I’m all over the place and for some reason nothing is making sense but also making perfect sense at the same time.

To no surprise, keeping up with you and seeing what you’re up to continues to break me. I’m so angry and I’m so jealous that you love someone else and not me anymore.

Almost 3 years later and I STILL think about you everyday. Even the weeks I didn’t look you up, you still came across my mind every single day.

This shit is so fucking stupid and having this mental disorder is unbelievably exhausting.

Why can’t I let him go? Why can’t I move on? I already got closure, so why can’t I accept that it’s over? LONG over.

Obviously I still think about you everyday. Maybe someday that will stop. For now, I have to celebrate that I’m making progress.

If destiny brings us together again someday then so be it. Likely won’t happen, but if it happens then it fucking happens.

Never the best. Never desired. Never loved for me being exactly who I am. Who I am will never be good enough for anyone.

No matter how much I “love myself” that won’t be enough for me. If I’m the only person that loves me then what’s the point in being around others or opening up to others? Even then I don’t love myself right now.

Everyday I feel lonely, pathetic, unlovable, undesirable, literally human garbage. As soon as I wake up my instant emotion is sadness and the sadness stays the entire day and only temporarily goes away through distractions or work, and even then the sadness will sometimes slip through the cracks and find its way into my distractions or work.

This is truly exhausting. Feeling this way everyday, repeating this to myself everyday, living with this everyday.