earthshaker

I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. That pain is like an axe that chops at my heart.

If you’re my friend I should be able to talk to you but I can’t, and if I can’t talk to you, well, what is the point of you? Of us?

She wanted to run, but in a direction that did not exist,

“Even today, Imagination is considered to be the ability to form images. But it is rather the ability to deform images presented by perception, the ability to liberate us from basic images, the ability in particular to change images. If there is no changing of images, no unexpected merging of images, there is no imagination and the act of imagining does not occur. As Blake proclaims, ‘The Imagination is not a State, it is Human Existence itself.”

I was tired I wanted to be home then when I was home I wanted to be

Sometimes I hate you, sometimes I hate myself, but always I miss you.

& do not ever say again that you don’t know what it is to stay or to be stayed with, that you don’t get love & maybe couldn’t do it, not like that, when, in fact, that’s all you’ve ever known. Day after day, after day, here is your love, your love that has gone nowhere away from you. Here is a blue sky. Here is the smell of grass on your fingers. Here is a flower. A road, a shoreline. Here are kites rising. Here is breath.

& it’s up to you to fill it, up to you to find something useful / to do with your sadness.

I am filled with a despair that I cannot give name to. I call it sadness, as if that is all it is, as if it hasn’t been clinging to my bones for decades. I call it grief, as if it hadn’t already built a home in my sternum, as if my every breath wasn’t hindered by my refusal to give it name.

Will you try to love him?

“There’s a Japanese phrase that I like: koi no yokan. It doesn’t mean love at first sight. It’s closer to love at second sight. It’s the feeling when you meet someone that you’re going to fall in love with them. Maybe you don’t love them right away, but it’s inevitable that you will.”

“But how do you find the right people-how do you love without smothering them? How do you not suffocate them with all the love you’ve built up in their absence?” - Simon Van Booy, Everything Beautiful Began After