Ambivalent Jargon

I don’t wanna take my fucking eme ds noooo if the Shadow Man is the price I ahve to pay for retaining my whsimsy then so be it

of course sometimes you gotta rewire your brain to do what you gotta do but it feels like all of the caretakers in my life are more focused on Fixing me to meet often unfair standards of normality rather than considering what works for me and what I want out of life as a Sentient Being. or like my Productivity Output rather than my quality of life. it feels like my parents only gave a shit about my mental health once I was unable to keep up with school. and worst of all it seems like they think once they throw enough Meds and Therapy at me that I’ll be Better. mental health crises are seen as an unsightly problem, an inconvenience that must be stamped out rather than a symptom of broken systems that value meeting a standard over its people. a personal failure instead of a systematic one. and yes while some of my symptoms can be remitted or alleviated I am Disabled and need to be accommodated not “cured” and I hate how a lot of people don’t seem to get that. and right now I don’t want to be dependent of meds as part of that accommodation, I don’t care what the law or my psychiatrist is saying right now. I’m sure it works for some people but every new regimen I’ve tried hasn’t been worth the side effects honestly especially when they exacerbate the mental problems I already have. and then after that it’s another medication to allievate THAT. t.reatment to the symptom which becomes the cause of the symptom which necessitates treatment to the symptom

like rn the most annoying thing about my delusions is that constantly reality checking and reassuring myself and the harmlessmrituals that alleviates my agitation takes up a lot of my time and energy. so maybe instead of hooking me up with Big Pharma so I can be more Productive and Normal at the expense of feeling like an emotionally and creatively stunted shell of a person maybe just…give me more time and resources to do things????

I don’t wanna take my fucking eme ds noooo if the Shadow Man is the price I ahve to pay for retaining my whsimsy then so be it

of course sometimes you gotta rewire your brain to do what you gotta do but it feels like all of the caretakers in my life are more focused on Fixing me to meet often unfair standards of normality rather than considering what works for me and what I want out of life as a Sentient Being. or like my Productivity Output rather than my quality of life. it feels like my parents only gave a shit about my mental health once I was unable to keep up with school. and worst of all it seems like they think once they throw enough Meds and Therapy at me that I’ll be Better. mental health crises are seen as an unsightly problem, an inconvenience that must be stamped out rather than a symptom of broken systems that value meeting a standard over its people. a personal failure instead of a systematic one. and yes while some of my symptoms can be remitted or alleviated I am Disabled and need to be accommodated not “cured” and I hate how a lot of people don’t seem to get that. and right now I don’t want to be dependent of meds as part of that accommodation, I don’t care what the law or my psychiatrist is saying right now. I’m sure it works for some people but every new regimen I’ve tried hasn’t been worth the side effects honestly especially when they exacerbate the mental problems I already have. and then after that it’s another medication to allievate THAT. t.reatment to the symptom which becomes the cause of the symptom which necessitates treatment to the symptom

like rn the most annoying thing about my delusions is that constantly reality checking and reassuring myself and the harmlessmrituals that alleviates my agitation takes up a lot of my time and energy. so maybe instead of hooking me up with Big Pharma so I can be more Productive and Normal at the expense of feeling like an emotionally and creatively stunted shell of a person maybe just…give me more time and resources to do things????

I don’t wanna take my fucking eme ds noooo if the Shadow Man is the price I ahve to pay for retaining my whsimsy then so be it

of course sometimes you gotta rewire your brain to do what you gotta do but it feels like all of the caretakers in my life are more focused on Fixing me to meet often unfair standards of normality rather than considering what works for me and what I want out of life as a Sentient Being. or like my Productivity Output rather than my quality of life. it feels like my parents only gave a shit about my mental health once I was unable to keep up with school. and worst of all it seems like they think once they throw enough Meds and Therapy at me that I’ll be Better. mental health crises are seen as an unsightly problem, an inconvenience that must be stamped out rather than a symptom of broken systems that value meeting a standard over its people. a personal failure instead of a systematic one. and yes while some of my symptoms can be remitted or alleviated I am Disabled and need to be accommodated not “cured” and I hate how a lot of people don’t seem to get that. and right now I don’t want to be dependent of meds as part of that accommodation, I don’t care what the law or my psychiatrist is saying right now. I’m sure it works for some people but every new regimen I’ve tried hasn’t been worth the side effects honestly especially when they exacerbate the mental problems I already have. and then after that it’s another medication to allievate THAT. t.reatment to the symptom which becomes the cause of the symptom which necessitates treatment to the symptom

I was conversing with my guidance counselor about all the reasons I didn’t wanna go to college (as someone looking to get into arts and maybe compsci) and the only good reason she could come up with for me to go is “networking”. like networking with WHO??? a bunch of other suckers who are half a mil deep in debt before the age of 21 because their parents and teachers and counselors told them to go to college or they’ll Fucking Die Or Some Shit? dude I can do that for free over fuckin’ ToyHouse

I’m being dead fucking serious I’ve recently read Raymond Biesinger’s memoir I mean “Informal Self-Defence Guide (With A C In Defence Because I’m From Montreal Lmfao)” and you’d be surprised at the amount of parallels his experiences in the Industry™️ have with shit I’ve witnessed in online furry art comm and trade circles. the most common thread? once you’ve developed a style and substance to your work and got your portfolio outta the way it’s all about connections, connections, connections. updates on social media. lists of potential clients. and when some idiot who’s got more money than morals screws you over, make sure you’ve got friends to help call their shit out for ya

from all of the stories of art college dropouts and graduates I’ve seen online it appears ultimately no studio or client gives a fuck if you went to CalArts or whatever the shit as long as you’ve got a good portfolio, great visions, and get those projects Done (haven’t looked into it as much, but webdev seems to be similar). and frankly with how Disney and etc are screwing over animators it’s freelance or bust for me. and by bust I mean fuckin’. flipping burgers at McDonald’s for the time being idfk. if they even has a spot left for me LOL. ehhh, we’ll see what happens to the job market in a couple years

I was conversing with my guidance counselor about all the reasons I didn’t wanna go to college (as someone looking to get into arts and maybe compsci) and the only good reason she could come up with for me to go is “networking”. like networking with WHO??? a bunch of other suckers who are half a mil deep in debt before the age of 21 because their parents and teachers and counselors told them to go to college or they’ll Fucking Die Or Some Shit? dude I can do that for free over fuckin’ ToyHouse

I’m being dead fucking serious I’ve recently read Raymond Biesinger’s memoir I mean “Informal Self-Defence Guide (With A C In Defence Because I’m From Montreal Lmfao)” and you’d be surprised at the amount of parallels his experiences in the Industry™️ have with shit I’ve witnessed in online furry art comm and trade circles. the most common thread? once you’ve developed a style and substance to your work and got your portfolio outta the way it’s all about connections, connections, connections. updates on social media. lists of potential clients. and when some idiot who’s got more money than morals screws you over, make sure you’ve got friends to help call their shit out for ya

I’m genuinely seriously thinking about just straight up booking it out of this shitty town and this shitty house everything pisses me off here. if my family compares me to that fuckass Sheldon one more time and sya I don’t need to elevate my voice or I don’t need to be upset or I should respect my parents or send those evangelical Christains to convert my ass I’m fucking fuck fuck djjfcjfif. I swear to fuck I’m gonna just, pack my shit an d leave without so much as a warning.

let’s see. I’d probably need to get a pannier for my bike. do they allow bikes on the train? I think so. might wanna wait till I get a drivers license. get a studio apartment or something? ooh, back at our old place could work. I’ve made serious cash off my art before, I could do it again. well, I mean, it was a hundred bucks from one person but that was back when I was thirteen! imagine what I could do with he skills Inhave now! just need to bide my time, prepare. thank frick for the library. I don’t wanna go to fucking school, anymore,mat least not this one. and any other school in the town is ofc too far a fucking drive becuase of all the fuckass roads. I’d help Her if I could but she isn’t accepting my offer. I’m sorry, but I’m not your guardian Angel who’s gonna sweep you off the ground and save you. you need to have some goddamn initiative yourself. but I won’t forget. maybe I’ll come abck for you, I’m something in a shitty situation myself. maybe once I get my shit togetehr. it’s a crazy dream but what kind of dream worth pursing isn’t? it!s been done before. there’s a fucking SIM card on the SE, all I need to do is osdjdk,out, and. yeah, I could probably pull this off. I just need to

I’d say forty five minutes away?

I’m genuinely seriously thinking about just straight up booking it out of this shitty town and this shitty house everything pisses me off here. if my family compares me to that fuckass Sheldon one more time and sya I don’t need to elevate my voice or I don’t need to be upset or I should respect my parents or send those evangelical Christains to convert my ass I’m fucking fuck fuck djjfcjfif. I swear to fuck I’m gonna just, pack my shit an d leave without so much as a warning.

let’s see. I’d probably need to get a pannier for my bike. do they allow bikes on the train? I think so. might wanna wait till I get a drivers license. get a studio apartment or something? ooh, back at our old place could work. I’ve made serious cash off my art before, I could do it again. well, I mean, it was a hundred bucks from one person but that was back when I was thirteen! imagine what I could do with he skills Inhave now! just need to bide my time, prepare. thank frick for the library. I don’t wanna go to fucking school, anymore,mat least not this one. and any other school in the town is ofc too far a fucking drive becuase of all the fuckass roads. I’d help Her if I could but she isn’t accepting my offer. I’m sorry, but I’m not your guardian Angel who’s gonna sweep you off the ground and save you. you need to have some goddamn initiative yourself. but I won’t forget. maybe I’ll come abck for you, I’m something in a shitty situation myself. maybe once I get my shit togetehr. it’s a crazy dream but what kind of dream worth pursing isn’t? it!s been done before. there’s a fucking SIM card on the SE, all I need to do is osdjdk,out, and. yeah, I could probably pull this off. I just need to