✨Am I The Asshole (AITA) Polls✨

Submissions are open; all submissions will be anonymous unless clearly stated that posting off-anon is okay. Please try your best to give both sides of the story; all submissions will be assumed to be asking the question AITA (am I the assh*le?) and as such will followed by a poll with the following answers:

YTA — you’re the a-hole (the other party is not)

YWBTA — you would be the a-hole

NTA — you are not the a-hole (but the other party is)

YWNBTA — you would not be the a-hole

JAH - you are the asshole but it’s justified

ESH — everyone sucks here (both parties are the a-hole)

NAH — no a-holes here (neither party is at fault)

INFO— not enough information presented

This blog is a WIP but as a general rule submissions that are overtly racist, homophobic, transphobic, body shaming, etc are subject to be deleted from the queue. Please try to keep all conversations civil! As a tagging system begins to be used this post will be updated so that relevant tags can be followed or blocked from your feed. Thanks!

Update: I will start tagging longer questions with #long post in case anyone would like to filter longer asks from their feed. If you would like me to add any tags please feel free to let me know!

Polls that have no apparent conflict or are questioning their feelings about a situation will be tagged as #no conflict and/or #feelings poll so that people who wish to filter out these types of submissions may do so.

Me and my friend both have a friend crush on the same girl which is great since all three of us could be friends. Said girl has been friendly with both of us but asked me for my TikTok account and we’ve been texting through there all summer. My best friend knows I have this girl’s TikTok account but she probably doesn’t know to what extent we talk. (We talk everyday.) I really want all three of us to be friends and have mentioned my best friend to my new friend a few times. And she said we should all hang out sometime. But as I’ve said she only invited me to her birthday party. This is probably because she doesn’t have a way to communicate with my friend plus she doesn’t know her that well since they haven’t talked in the summer. Im anxious my friend would be upset if she knew I’m now friends with our friend crush. So I haven’t told her I went to her birthday party. If she asks anything about what I’ve done this weekend I’d tell the truth. But knowing my best friend she might get mad at me even if she doesn’t show it directly if she finds out about the fact I went to the party.

So my brothers (10 year old twins, we’ll call them Jason and Tim) used to share an iPad, but recently Jason threw it on the ground in a tantrum and shattered the entire screen. The display is messed up and I’m pretty sure it’s near unfixable. I’m getting in trouble for letting Tim play Minecraft on MY iPad during his hour of screen time but saying that Jason isn’t allowed to. Jason is free to use the shared gaming console, just not MY iPad. First of all, I think Jason should have to deal with the natural consequences of breaking his iPad (that being that he no longer has access to an iPad) but it’s not fair that Tim should get punished in the same way. Second, I don’t want him to break my iPad!!! It’s my stuff! I should be allowed to decide who gets to borrow it! I really don’t understand what the problem is. It’s not like Tim is suddenly getting more screen time or anything! They get the same amount of screen time, it’s just that Tim has access to a few games that aren’t available on the other console! So, Am I The Asshole?

From @forever-bi-myself

it might be time sensitive? it technically involves a decision i have to make within the next day or two, but it's not the end of the world if you can't post it by then, the responses will still help me think about things.

i and my husband both struggle with various mental health issues. he is diagnosed with npd, aspd, and bpd, and is currently seeking a did diagnosis. i'm diagnosed with my own List Of Things but most relevant to this situation is avpd/very severe anxiety, depression & ptsd, and i'm also physically disabled (chronic pain, need a cane to move around).

we've both struggled in the past with things like self-harm and suicide attempts. i have been mostly better since 2021, my last serious attempt where i spent 2 weeks in intensive care. he still struggles with his bpd causing mood swings and self-destructive behaviour but hadn't attempted since a few years ago as well.

a few weeks ago, i found out that he has formed an alter of my rapist, let's call him P so i don't have to keep trying to differentiate between "him"s. i haven't interacted with the man in question in several years now but it is still a semi-regular topic in our relationship. my husband developed something of a fixation on him (they interacted a few times back when i knew P, though weren't close) - i believe part attraction, part self-harm and trying to put himself in danger, and part P being diagnosed with aspd as well and my husband believing he is the only person he can speak to about this who'll understand personally. we had several issues with him repeatedly asking me to put them in contact, asking my friends to do so, with us all repeatedly saying this was unsafe for me, that it was a bad idea, that P wouldn't be interested in bonding over this anyway, etc. he was actively cut off by one friend for this because she believed it was incredibly not okay for him to be asking this and bringing him up to me. after several serious conversations about it, he's mostly stopped - he accepts that this fixation is his own issue to work on and a side effect of his own mental health stuff and isn't healthy.

all to say that i assume this fixation is part of why his brain might have split an alter of P - he hasn't been "allowed to" speak to the 'real thing', so his brain has just formed one? i don't really know.

P fronted for the first time almost 2 weeks ago and... i don't really know whether i can call it sexual assault, whether it was just assault, attempted sexual assault, or what. i won't go into detail, but he had pinned me down, repeatedly tried to kiss me and touch my genitals, i was holding him off me and kicking him off and saying no, he punched me in the face multiple times, and when i curled up to cover my face/body he started kissing all over me. he was mocking me for crying/shaking, telling me that i could fight him off this time but there'd be a next time and a next time etc. it was genuinely fucking horrifying not only in itself but also because it really did feel just like being back with P and brought up a lot of old feelings and memories that i had mostly repressed. for days after i had bruises on me and nail marks and scratches on my hands and arms.

i genuinely felt in the moment that he was trying to rape me, and i later found out he'd had a knife hidden in the bedroom but i don't know whether he had taken it to use on himself or on me. i don't remember him making a move to get me in there but it's still a worry in my head. however i will say that my husband has said he believes he does not believe P was planning to go that far.

my husband eventually 'snapped back in' so to speak and seemed genuinely upset and horrified when he realised what had happened. he had what seemed like an anxiety attack, hyperventilating and his heart beating very quickly, was cuddling me and asking if i was okay, what he could do for me, etc. a few moments later, he threw up in the bathroom.

he started complaining of intense stomach pain and said his vomit had been black/curled as if there was internal bleeding and that he had to go to the emergency room, so he did. the consensus was basically that he had probably torn open his stomach lining with all the throwing up he does (he's very prone to nausea and has a terrible gag reflex) and was given meds for it and sent back home. i felt incredibly guilty because i worried the stress/anxiety he'd felt had set it off and that i might have caused it or made something worse by kicking 'him' off me before.

i spent most of the next couple days worrying over him and his stomach pain.

a couple days later, we went to one of my appointments and when i came out he was having a breakdown in the waiting room and saying he needed psychiatric help and hospital right now. it didn't seem connected to what had happened or anything, he just said he was struggling mentally himself and needed help because he wanted to die. we called an ambulance and it took over 2 hours to get there. when it did, they basically just gave him a number to call for advice and left. i could tell he felt incredibly rejected and that he'd reached out for help and been ignored/dismissed/not taken seriously and i was extremely worried he'd try something if he got home. he told me it was fine and that he just wanted to go home and sleep. i tried to stay up to keep an eye on him but eventually fell asleep.

i woke up to find him having overdosed on a small amount of pills, not enough to do any serious damage but enough for him to need to go to hospital and be given charcoal etc and kept in for 11 hours or so to be monitored. he was referred to emergency psychiatric care, but they chose not to keep him in inpatient and that it would be best for him to go home. he begged, i begged, my sister came in and begged, but they just repeated that with his specific mental stuff they thought hospitalisation would be harmful for him rather than helpful and that they weren't going to hospitalise him.

i spent the next 5 days basically not sleeping at all, constantly watching him, worrying something would happen, etc. additional mental factor for me was the fact that my mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly while i was asleep 2 years ago, and for a long time i had a lot of paranoia about falling asleep because i thought the people i care about would die while i wasn't there for them, so the fact that a) he had overdosed while i slept and b) i now had to stay awake or else he might do it again was really taking a toll on me.

he eventually felt a little better, was responding well to the talks with the psychiatric team, was back on medication, etc. we planned to go to a nearby city and stay with our (mostly his, but we're friendly) friends for a while so that he could work closeby - there's a festival on atm so money and customers are really good, apparently. i advised he should take some time off work but he really wanted to get back to it so he can make the money to save for things he really wants.

he ended up going there by himself the late evening before last with our puppy and i told him i would join him when i felt up to it. i kind of saw this as a chance for me to get a minute to focus on processing what happened with P, concentrate on myself, take a few days to relax without having to worry about him since he'll be with friends, get some sleep, etc. i also figured i could start on tidying our house since with everything going on and our combined health issues it's gotten insanely filthy. i told him that i haven't really had a chance to process the P thing and how i feel about it and get through my reaction to it etc. and focus on my own mental health since i've been basically nonstop taking care of his and he said he understood.

he called me yesterday morning (so the morning of the night he left) with one of our friends saying he needed me there before that afternoon because he and the friends all wanted to go to work that night (it's one of those jobs where you can pick your own shifts short-notice and just sorta go in if you want to) and someone had to be there to watch both our puppy and the friends' dog. he said they had a backup plan for the dogs if i couldn't be there but that it wasn't preferable. i was caught super off-guard because i'd been banking on having at least a few days to myself. i felt pressured to agree because of the phrasing of "we need you to be here today" and the friend being on the line but i really do think i NEED this break so i stuck to it and said i probably wouldn't be able to be there that day and that i needed a break.

a few minutes after the call ended, he told me that the friend was telling him that i put too much of my mental health on him and that she thinks he's emotionally/physically exhausted from looking after me and that i'm not being a good partner etc.

this got me genuinely internally heated because i feel like i have run myself absolutely ragged looking after him and not taking a second for myself and now that i finally ask to be given that everyone sees me as a bad partner and that my own mental health is causing everyone a massive problem and i'm a burden.

last night he messaged again saying that while they were out our puppy had torn up the carpet at the friends' flat and that it was going to cost £1000 to replace. he said that he's upset with me and that he's "tired of it" but refused to talk further about it until i get there. he said he feels like he's drowning and is struggling without me there.

i genuinely feel just hopeless and exhausted. i feel like i can't ask for a break or set a boundary for myself or take a second to recharge because as soon as i'm not devoting my complete and total attention and focus and care to him and his own mental health everyone acts like i'm being selfish and lazy and like i'm not doing enough for him. i feel like my own mental health is at rock bottom with how exhausted and depressed i am over everything but i can't really do anything about it. i can't ask for professional help because a) they would clearly not offer me hospitalisation if they refusesd it to my husband under his circumstances, b) i'm already on psychiatry waiting lists so they can't do much more for that, and c) i can't afford private therapy/psychiatry. i can't get any kind of legal justice or help for the assault or whatever it was because i can't exactly press charges against my husband's alter without pressing them against my husband which i'm not willing to do. my only options seem to be to stay here and try to figure things out alone and hope that it helps me sooner rather than later because everyone is rushing me and judging me and getting impatient and upset with me, or just like. suck it up and go to stay with them all and hope that i can work through it somehow anyway.

i don't know. at the same time this has been a recurring pattern. with both this relationship and my last relationship, it feels like whenever i do try to ask for a break or set a boundary for myself my partners get angry and their friends start to call me unhealthy, toxic, abusive, etc and from an outside perspective i feel like i would usually think "if you Keep getting called these things by multiple people maybe there is something to your behaviour that you're missing". so i'm open to the possibility that i really am being inconsiderate or behaving irrationally or being self-centred and i'm just not realising it because i'm honestly too drained to really think stuff through logically at the moment.

so maybe outside help from anyone who made it to the end of this long thing will help? am i being an asshole and not helping him when he's struggling mentally, and i should be doing my part to take care of the dogs over there especially as it's now causing physical damage that i should pay for since it happened because i wasn't present to be there with them? is he being an asshole and expecting too much of me? are we both being assholes too focused on our own issues and not each other? is no one an asshole and our mental health stuff is just causing each other problems? i'm genuinely lost.

one additional factor of this that's been really difficult is the fact that i feel like his emotional permanence does not comprehend that things aren't always the way they are at that exact moment which i think is contributing to how things are right now (i believe he's said this is a symptom of his bpd). for example he can have a great week, but then he has a bad day and suddenly he's Always been miserable and life has Always been bad and what's the point because he's Never happy, it's like he can't comprehend or remember the fact that before that day it was much better. and i can spend weeks taking care of him but then if one week i struggle i've suddenly Always struggled this badly and i've Always needed the space and i'm Always work for him. i definitely feel like i am being treated like someone who has spent months and months the way i am now even though it's been less than 2 weeks since the assault by P and only 2 days since i expressed needing time to myself to process it all

Names censored (except for mine) for privacy; color-coded based on person

#amitheasshole

Image descriptions under the cut

Anyway i moved off for collage and didn't see/hear from her again until recently when I moved back and we started dating. My friend says that I'm a groomer. I really like her and I don't want to break it off but i also don't want to be gross.

i don't know why i'm making this

i don't want to call him abusive but potential trigger warning for abuse i don't think he is though. i'm not great with exact times, i've never had a great memory sorry

Some context: I (17, transfemme) am only diagnosed with autism, have been to 11 different houses (not foster care just my divorced mother and father moving), and have changed elementary schools atleast 5 times I think. i've had a history of working really hard until highschool, especially this year (maybe last year depending on your definition)

I failed a First People's social studies class and school ended a few weeks ago. I'm going to summer school to make up for it, I probably could've passed with a bad grade if I just handed in a missing essay actually. This happens all the time, but a week ago I hanged out with a friend, when she left I had to work on a creative project I was assigned that week. I made 0 progress after what must have been 5 hours. I was barely working during that time, sneaking watching youtube and scrolling social media. Before I had to work on it I complained that "I'm bad at creative projects" and wouldn't get much done. I wasted time trying to get over my emotions from my father telling me to just get it done. I tried to work on it but I just couldn't get any words down. My father repeatedly got more upset as I made 0 progress and lied to him. telling me to "stop lying and staying on that shit" (not his exact words, but i know he was upset and referred to the things i was distracted on as shit (in a noun way)). he didn't yell he was just mad at my behaviour. I don't remember what happened exactly but I was sadder. I've never been beat I don't know why but I flinch when he's upset sometimes, I don't have a reason to and he's called it manipulative.

After what might've been 6 hours my father came into my room from the family gathering they're having. It's late and I still don't have any writing near even a first draft or beginning. I don't remember what it was exactly, but i know he yelled at me for lying and not getting anything done in 6 hours. After he had me me write his idea for the project I did it in what i think was half an hour.

He explained that he cares about me and loves me, and just wants the best for me. He was mad I dropped the ball, failed, and couldn't do a simple creative project. He said that he yelled when I complained that he did, but it was my fault. The fact I was able to finish it proved that I didn't have any problems. I keep using excuses like "I'm not good at this" or self diagnosing with convenient disorders that completely push the blame onto someone or something else.

Am I the Asshole?

me and my husband are poly. he has slept with people before, i haven't really just out of general disinterest rn. we have a soft rule that we don't have sex with new people until our partner has met them so we can get a feel for the person, make sure we can trust them and they're safe, etc.

the other day while out with his female friend, my husband messaged asking if he could perform oral sex on her. i hadn't met her but this time i ended up saying yes because she seemed chill from everything he'd told me over time and oral wasn't as big of a deal to me as other sex acts.

today we're out for drinks with this friend and her boyfriend and it was casually dropped that they actually had a threesome. idk what it entailed exactly, i haven't asked or reacted bc it's my husband's birthday and we've all been drinking so i don't want to ruin the mood or respond without thinking, but he definitely mentioned the boyfriend doing things to him.

is this cheating? or just a boundary slip? he did things we hadn't agreed to with a whole other person i wouldn't have consented to, but at the same time it was mentioned so casually? like he didn't seem to be nervous about me finding out? i feel so confused

Hi anon, I’m going with a different poll format for this one

Sorry this isn't really cohesive I suck at grammar.

AITAH for getting upset by an ex friend calling me the wrong pronouns with a lot of extra context (like way too much (if someone votes more info needed I will crash out))

For context I am trans and my pronouns are he/it but I knew this friend before I social transitioned and it was a struggle to get him to atleast stop calling me she/her

Me and this friend stopped being friends due to an unrelated incident, but we both continued to be friends with mutual and are both in a group chat with all our extended friend group.

He also told me to not reply to anything he says in the group chat which I haven't not been following? I disagree to the rule since I believe we should still be able to cohabit in the same friend group but since he only really talks about deltarune, a game I haven't finished or directly to the other male members (thats 4, including him, out of 11).

Yesterday he sent a message about a video thumbnail, and I, thinking that it was sent by someone else responded making a joke about it (something about gay shadow) and he responded on the group chat telling me not to respond to him, I will admit anonymous that I may be a bit of an asshole here since I was already upset about something and just wanted to make a joke about gay shadow, I responded with telling him if he didnt want me to respond to his messages don't send them to a group chat I was in and he thought that was me telling him to cut off all our mutual friends saying that he wouldn't do that since someone in the group made a mistake, obviously directed at me because of our previous issues.

I told him to learn to tolerate someone he dislikes responding to his message reminding him I didn't even want him specifically to hear the joke but instead our mutual friends, who are in the group chat while this is happening, we're the audience, he again thought I was bringing up past issues saying what I did wasn't a joke since I didn’t take it back when things 'went south for me', the issue hes talking about was me telling he makes me uncomfortable because he pushes my boundaries and he thought that was me comparing him to an awful person, it also didn't go south for me? I don't even know why he said that.

He also said I had been following the rule fine before this sp something must have just happened now, which I told him about not needing or wanting to reply to him before this, I also brought up the idea of making a different group chat without me since I didn't care anymore, which he told me why should he which I again replied that since he wasn't comfortable with me responding to his messages that would be the best option for him.

He brought back up the same past issue and I just told him I didn't really care anymore which he said was a new low for me.

When he again told me something to which I responded with telling him the new group chat without me solution which he said he didn't want to have to have our mutuals split their attention to two group chats (something I do understand)

When he also mentioned everyone being okay with his rule so its a 1 v 10 I just told him I was entitled to my opinion and just kinda stopped responding by putting my phone down (which I congratulate myself on since I have a tendency to argue in an attempt to my point across correctly)

This morning I asked him to unblock me so I could ask him something, he did and I asked him something unrelated, and also mentioned if he could stop calling me they (he called me they in the arguement at one point to another person who tried to stop it) he responded by saying he calls everyone they since its gender neutral and then blocked me again, I found an old group chat that just had and him and said that I was gonna respond more before he blocked me and told him that him calling me they still makes me dysphoric and I have two other pronouns he could use and he says he only talks about me if I break the rule so he doesn't see why I'm complaining.

But here's the thing I've heard from other friends before that he talks about me once he said that we argue a lot so he doesn't like me as much (while we we're still friends btw) and idk if he'll do that again but it doesn't change the fact I'm upset and idk if I'm really allowed to be in this situation.

Very sorry for whoever had to read through all of this.

-🐢

from @i-love-my-cats19

I (15, tm) had an autistic meltdown today because I broke my favorite cup. They stopped selling this exact cup back in 2023 when I bought it. I was venting to my friend (13 f) during this meltdown and this is what happened. I think I'm the ahole but what do y'all think?

I have has a lot of trauma from accidentally breaking things and my parents screaming at me about it. She knows this. This happens a few times, usually only one really big one like this per month. Names cencored for privacy. Btw I do NOT want to still be friends with her anymore at all. This kind of split happens every few weeks. Not just on my end, but on hers too. I deserved a lot of them since I'd shut down when she yelled at me. I'm already 90% sure I'm the ass hole, but I just wanted to see what y'all thought. Also, heres a couple of times she's snapped at me before.

Image descriptions under the cut:

every single time we talk, they have a new issue with their partner that they need to vent about. they're the type to never ever call or text me first, but they've called several times recently because they needed to vent to someone and i was the only person who wasn't busy. it's always a new problem with the partner and it's never small or petty, it's always big problems that involve the partner ignoring my friend's feelings and boundaries and doing whatever he wants. then he apologizes and my friend feels bad for making him feel guilty, then he does another horrible thing and the cycle continues. this has been going on for years.

i have never told my friend what to do, or given them my real opinion. i just try to listen to them and support them. a few times now, I've tried asking them questions such as "when you tell him how this makes you feel, do you feel heard by him?" or "are you happy in the relationship?" and this always makes them upset. they tell me that I'm only hearing about the bad parts of the relationship, and there's a lot that I dont understand. but if i dont say anything at all, this makes them upset too. I think they want me to reassure them that their relationship will be okay, but I wont do that, because this partner has done really terrible things and it just keeps getting worse. i dont want to push my friend away, but this comes up every single time we talk. I just want to help them, but it seems like everything i do is wrong.

i understand i might be in the wrong for not supporting my friend's relationship. ive always been supportive of all their past relationships, and im really not trying to make it about me, or tell them what to do or how to feel. I just ask them how they feel, and i try to encourage them to think about and prioritize their own feelings, but they keep getting mad at me. maybe being a supportive friend means reinforcing what they want to believe, I really dont know. aita?

There's this guy (16m) at my (16f) school and he says that he is gay. He is very flamboyant and effeminate. He talks about being gay regularly, and all of his friends are girls. Now, in complete transparency, I hate this guy and his group. He loves making inappropriate comments about other people's bodies (mostly just women) and becomes agressive if you don't do anything he says immediately. I can't think of a single person I've seen him interact with who isn't his friend and he hasn't threatened to fight.

I have another class with one of his female friends. She's okay, but I don't like her for enabling his behavior. We have jewelry together, and were talking because we both finished out projects. I found out she is actually dating him. I then asked one of his ex friends about him in another class and found out about his ex, who is also a girl.

After school ended, me and my friend (16m🏳️‍⚧️) were hanging out and because its summer, we were discussing who we hope we do and don't have in our classes next year. I brought him up, because I sincerely do not want to be near him, and then talked about how he's not even actually gay and I think he might just say that for attention or to get closer to women.

My friend got upset, and said that I am not him and therefore don't get to decide his sexuality. I said that as far as I'm concerned, a cis man cannot date cis girls and still be gay. He might be bisexual or something, but he is not gay. And I know that he means gay as in mlm exclusively because I heard him complaining about someone forgetting he didn't like girls, which is just a blatant lie? He said this during a 2 week gap where he broke up with his current girlfriend before they got back together.

My friend then said that sexuality is fluid, and that a gay man can be into a girl and still be gay. I don't think that applies when clearly it's been multiple girls, and also we are so young that it's not like he's been gay for decades and then one time he had a spike of attraction for a girl. That situation would make sense, this does not.

My friend is now mad at me and refuses to speak to me. He said I was being homophobic and its not my right to judge who people are attracted to. I think it matters because he's had multiple sexual assault claims filed against him by women, and every time he uses the fact that he's gay to prove them wrong. In typical American school system fashion, the school does not care in the slightest, so it's mostly a "warn other girls to stay away from him" type thing. All of the allegations were from a few years ago when i did not go to the same school as him, so I only learned about that in my conversation with his ex friend. I assume most of the people who didnt go to the same school as him probably don't know either, and I want them to, but I know if I ever bring it up he'll just say he's gay, which has worked to silence people's claims in the past.

So, am i the asshole for saying a guy isn't gay?

aita for getting mad at my mom after one of her thin glass cups broke and cut my hand for the second time?

My mom loves redecorating like every couple of months, and that usually includes our plates and whatnot. About a year ago, she bought these thin glass cups that lasted for a while but shattered when i cleaned them and landed me in the ER for stitches. It wasn't really that bad, but I didn't trust thin cups after that. We ended up tossing them, and we all moved on. A couple of months ago, she bought new cups, and one of the sets was just as thin as those previously mentioned cups. I had a bad feeling instantly. I told her that I didn't like how thin they were and how i felt concerned over them breaking like the last ones. She brushed me off and said they looked nice in the kitchen. Literally that same day, one was completely shattered after she broke one, but we kept them.

For context, I wash the dishes every night, with there hardly being an exception. So I genuinely was very nervous about those cups. Just last night, one of them sliced a part of my thumb when it broke. I didn't wash it any differently than anything else, and usually I'm pretty careful with them. I got upset because I had known it was going to happen and yelled about it.

I admit I shouldn't have yelled. I was just incredibly frustrated because I wanted to prevent this from the start, and here we were again. It doesn't need stitches this time, mostly because of where it is. But it's not a simple scratch either. I had made a comment about how it only 'makes sense not to listen to me, despite doing this every day, and it already happened once'. and how I knew 'those stupid cups were gonna do this'.

I ended up finishing the dishes anyway, but I was incredibly frustrated about the whole ordeal and how long I knew my thumb was gonna be a pain to deal with.

I apologized this morning and explained that i was just frustrated and that I knew it wasn't her fault directly. And she said thanks for the apology, but she just wasn't going to interact with me as much because it showed I'm going to blame her for anything.

To preface, this isn’t like GSA where allies go really. Like in a perfect world everyone would be very invested in campus disability rights but in reality every club member is disabled. Most of them use crutches, canes, wheelchairs, are Deaf/HoH, and/or have some sort of physical and/or sensory disability.

But I am not physically disabled. I have autism, depression, and ADHD, and an autoimmune disorder (that does not disable me, it disables a lot of people but I’m lucky to really not notice it usually since I take meds.) I only got diagnosed with these this year. I do feel like they disable me as I have 0 friends (social difficulties), can’t go in loud places, cannot get out of bed some days (NOT physically; because of depression), and cannot get anything done w/o my ADHD meds and antidepressants.

But the fact that I was only diagnosed this year (besides the depression which was dxed as a kid) and the fact that most members have physical disabilities makes me not want to join. I don’t want to even risk taking space and talking over physically disabled people. I feel like everyone would look at me or even ask me what my disability is (I went to GSA once and was immediately asked “what I am”.) If I called myself disabled in the same room as a Deaf person, or someone with arthritis, or an amputee, or someone with epilepsy, or asthma, etc. I would feel terrible.

I know online there’s a big positivity thing of “don’t compare struggles” and acceptance of “invisible” disabilities (in quotes bc people can tell I’m autistic sometimes) and that’s truly great but its not necessarily how the average person sees things. And I can’t just not compare my disabilities to others. As an example, my cousin is autistic and can’t speak or use AAC or sign and needs 24/7 care, but I’m autistic and am in university. Yes we’re both disabled and ideally deserve support but he’s obviously gone through more than me and struggles more, to deny that would be wrong. This is way too long an AITA. I don’t know. I just feel like people are going to comment calling me ableist no matter what I say but I hope its clear this whole thing is from me trying not to be ableist

I (they/them20) have been learning sign language simply just because I want to. talking out loud gets hard, exhausting and overwhelming for me most of the time, I prefer texts over calls and being able to communicate face to face without having to talk sounds like a dream. I recently met someone online I will call Jay(he/they 24), Jay is deaf, we met though the chat of a video game we like. When jay mentioned being deaf I mentioned I knew sign, Jay asked if I was deaf and when I said I was not Jay explained to me very nicely why it was cultural appropriation, I was under the impression it was simply a language without out loud words that the deaf community mainly used because they aren't hearing. I had no clue it was debated if hearing people can speak it or not. Why do I ask if 'I'm the asshole? because several people mentioned how the deaf community feels very differently from Jay, and it left me feeling super confused, I looked in to it and it seems some deaf people love it, others hate it and others don't care. I just want to know if I did something wrong because I mean no disrespect.