In some ways ive regressed to how i was at ages 10-12 where i was obsessed with how I was percieved, with trying to 'aethetise' my life and fit into a type, and similateously had 0 confidence, always felt excluded, because I cared too much what other people would think and therefore was stunted from properly interacted with them. I've changed so much and gained so much confidence but in the last year its kind of unwinding, i think its a delayed effect of grief, I've lost some trust in the world. I'm struggling more socially and caring more about how I look, watching things on instagram I usually would have had the mental strength to stay away from or at least not take seriously, all things to do with appearance, and now it feels so tempting to just mindlessly fall back into it, to just want to make myself beautiful, and I have to be stronger than that. It will only hurt me. I mean I do want to be beautiful, but. I Can tell when I'm letting myself induldge in an urge that I know isn't healthy. And tbh confidence = a truer beauty
