morose and lugubrious

emailing the mr. mixer team like hi :) is this bad :)

me after fucking up my stand mixer regreasing because the snap ring wouldnt come off despite specifically buying snap ring pliers so i had to pry it off with needle nose pliers that scratched up the bevel gear shaft badly: i dont deserve to be alive :/

what baffles me most about the dj neighbor situation is that the house on his other side has a girl who's like, 5 years old max. doesnt that house get bothered????

mood is a little better but i am so insanely exhausted. i partially blame this on my dj neighbor who was blasting music at 9:30 for getting me mad asf before bed

ive only been persistently depressed for like a month and a half but it feels like its been ten years

seeing someone i know irl document her mba-getting experience via instagram has reaffirmed my belief that it's a fake degree bc literally all she does is travel

im bad at mood tracking bc i always put it as mild depression even if ive cut that day or if im so apathetic that i cant do anything besides lay down but i also have literally no sense of how to measure severity like bro idk

at this point we're just doing experiments with meds like is prozac making me feel like shit or is vraylar making me feel like shit or are neither of these responsible but not doing anything positive either. will lamictal help or will that also do nothing. stick around and find out!!!!!!!

i cannot feel this way any longer!!!!!!!!!

depression is so mind-numbingly BORING like omfg that more than anything is killing me rn. i am trying to keep myself engaged but everything i do i'm like wow this brings me no enjoyment whatsoever and i dont care about this at all. i feel like ive spent the past 2 months staring at the wall

i just have a hard time ever believing i could have an issue that doesnt fundamentally boil down to character pathology

i am lowkey convinced im single handedly causing my emotional struggles via creative frustration. my therapist is like i think youre trying to make this your fault to regain a feeling of control and im like ok but consider the possibility that im just a guy who sucks ☝️

this may be my most depressed christmas bc i cant muster up a single shred of enthusiasm for anything but also i have like total emotional amnesia so who really knows

also the one single thing i want to do on this earth is write but i have barely been able to produce more than a few sentences since november. everything else feels so pointless and blah. like i try to do things and then as soon as i start im like wait, i literally dont give a fuck about this

i havent been able to get literally one single thing done at work in months bc even sending a fucking email feels monumentally hard and i keep having to take time off and im losing my mind kinda bc its like this and i'm in my not busy season rn. i dont know how the fuck im going to manage once the spring semester ramps up. my boss is understanding but also i am like realistically how will this be sustainable...

ultimately i dont really gaf about discrete diagnostic labeling anymore i just want a regimen that works. i pretty much do everything Right beyond that and i still feel like shit

well now i'm on meds and i can't write anymore