So Long, So Long

he continues to drink his coffee, reading away the newspaper lazily, no sign of tension on his brows. he is such a carefree guy. i am so envious of his lack of care toward the things happening around him it gets me angry sometimes. 

and im the girl who always finds something to complain. something to adjust. something to fix. cause im never satisfied with anything. i find flaws and imperfection in every single thing. i look in the mirror and wish i look like someone else. wishing my hair wasn’t so dull, my eyebags weren’t so puffy, my lips weren’t so pale. im living my life each day with frustrations. 

i guess thats the thing that attracts me to julian. he doesn’t remind me of trouble and stressful things. instead he points out anything that tickles him. he laughs so wholeheartedly at everything, and find making me angry one of the most amusing activity. 

besides his laidback personality, i could also depend on him to help out when im facing difficulties. like that one time when our dog was injured. he wasted no time sending our dog to the vet, making sure it is nursed back to health. 

Im so worn down

It doesn’t make sense to keep going like this

Need my own healing

Stitch up all my wounds

Take away all the scars that remind me of the bad times I had

All the people that I’ve met

Let them be a distant memory

I wanna create a new story

For you and me

 All those little dark tragedies

Are weighing down on me

Heavy on my shoulders

I cant even look up without a glimpse of sadniess on my face

 If only life is so easy

For us to write a new story

Cause im heavy

Heavy with all these drugs that are introxicating me

blurring my vision of a happy destiny

instead theres just me

still thinking of all the things I never did

and those that should never be

 Don’t wannt drink it all away

Because troubles never leave you that way

Well maybe not long enough

Cause at night when your alone

They crawl out of your bed to haunt you

Looking at you with creepy eyes

Reminding you

Standing comfortable on your shoulder

Saying I’ll be here for some time

Until you find love

 And I thought love is in somebody else

When they tell you your not enough

And you believe them

Yeah its all your fault

Just give up

dan segala peluang yang aku lepaskan

aku tahu kamu telah berusaha

tapi ketika itu aku tak mampu 

memahami apa maksudmu

tapi kini aku mengerti

tapi kini aku memahami

kamu cuba menarik aku kembali 

tetapi aku lemah

tetapi aku lemah 

maafkan aku

1. bohemian leather and silk gauze floor length gown

2. ombre 2 piece wedding dress

esok bakal ke pulau pinang. 

takut. sedih. sengsara. itu yang aku rasa. 

pahit menanggung semua rasa ini sendiri. 

sampai begini ceritanya. terpaksa merantau jauh demi sebuah harapan. 

kenapa begini nasib aku? terlalu mudah percaya? terlalu naif?

habis duit, habis air mata, tapi akan selesaikah juga? 

5 bulan aku pura-pura. seperti tiada masalah. seolah-olah setiap malam aku tidak menangis, seolah - olah setiap malam aku tidak menanggung kesakitan. 

dan aku terharu, hari ini ada juga yang menangis untuk aku, bila aku rasa tiada siapa pun yang simpati, yang dapat memahami.