Beyond

I saw someone talking about how foolish they thought the whole "man vs bear" argument was, and it made me think.

I would pick the bear. Without hesitation, without a moments consideration, I would pick the bear.

If I had met a bear, rather than a man when I was 4 years old, I wouldn't live much life feeling as if my body wasn't my own. I wouldn't avoid meeting my own eyes in the mirror, despite the fact that it's been 20 years.

If I had met a bear, rather than a man when I was 15, I wouldn't second guess the intentions of every person I come across. I wouldn't despise my body, and myself.

If I had met a bear, rather than a man when I was 20, I wouldn't be afraid to have male friends. I wouldn't hesitate to open up for fear that I was freely giving the tools needed to manipulate me.

I'd rather have been dead, than live the way I have. And if the bear had only mauled me, not taken my life, at least I'd know that bear only did it to survive.

All these people who say how stupid it is...the bear would surely kill you!

Then suddenly it's 5, or 10, or even 15 years later, and you're the same depressed, hopeless wreck that you were as a child, and suddenly, "Someday" seems impossibly far away.

How long before that platitude outlives its usefulness? How long am I expected to continue on before it's finally okay to admit that it never will really get better, and to make my decisions accordingly?

In some ways, life did get a little better, but in a lot of ways, it's become even worse. I have a few things to be grateful for, and that makes this overbearing despondency even harder to cope with.

Frankly, I don't want to live the rest of my life (God, another 50+ years??) like this. I am tired. I am exhausted. I feel this weight down to my bones. I dont want to die, exactly. I have some things to live for. But I don't want to live, either.