Change Due

159 days clean, sober & smoke free

For the past three days, I have been able to feel the heartbeat over the left side of my chest.

Lately, I've been feeling extremely exhausted no matter what I do. It feels like I run out of energy earlier and earlier into my day.

"He actually has cancer. He is going to die soon. It's now made it into his bloodstream and that heartbeat he's feeling over his heart is heart working extra hard."

"No, it's the government using a maser to damage his heart muscle. He will die of a heart attack at a young age thanks to our technology."

"No, it's an illuminati member stimulating the blood vessels near the surface of his skin to make him fear that it's his heart that's been damaged."

"No, it's a handler showing him that his recent behavior hasn't been optimal and reminding him that he only has so many heartbeats left in his life; "Use your time wisely.""

"No, it's his body protesting his past of drug use. It's a vasospasm as a result of the creatine and caffeine he's been putting into his body."

The vasospasm over the left side of my chest started three days ago when I went over to Tyler's and ate a bunch of pizza for lunch. I have eaten some unhealthy foods since then.

"It's an illuminati handler reminding you that eating unhealthy won't just affect your mood for the next few days. It will affect your body and the future of your health.

August 28, 2017

155 days clean, sober & smoke free

Continuing making daily youtube videos. Not sure exactly how I want to edit them. Voices repeat, "Are we this retarded?" as I'm making the video. Have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. Lately they just seem more and more irrelevant. I must admit here and now that it is a distraction and causes a bit of anxiety, hearing their repetitive words. It's like being in a room full of special needs or preschoolers whenever I'm trying to work.

"Why not make a Vlog about your depression and anxiety?"

Because the internet is not my counselor. The Word is.

All day today I have been trapped in this depression and anxiety. It's not even hopelessness today, like it was two days ago. That hopelessness has slowly evolved into nihilism.

The optimism that characterizes me has slowly been covered by a fog as I look into myself.

My mood: Nothing matters, I have zero motivation to do things & no mental energy.

Five card stud

Very lucky hand

Two suited. Hearts is symbolic of my desires/ my own heart / my allies.

Clubs is symbolic of my opposition / my enemies.

As far as the draw order, Clubs are surrounding Hearts. I feel surrounded by the opposition to my success. Mental blocks, voices distracting me, depression.

However, I see hope in the Ten of Hearts. It is the highest card in the straight. I interpret this to mean that the most powerful force in my life is one that is also on my side. The opposition may have me and my allies outnumbered right now, but my allies, (7(divine) & 10(highest number)), feel more empowering.

The numbers 6 and 9 are the same glyph, representing bad luck, evil, and hatred. 8 is a number of completion dealing between 7 and 9 (divine and evil). It symbolizes something being brought to completion from the divine or from evil. I also see this as symbolizing my troubles soon coming to an end, as their power is culminating.

I feel so calm. What should I do when I feel calm? This is the reason I decided to use drugs in the first place. I could learn more about people that way. Feeling calm, I feel so uninterested in anything other than enjoying existence.

"It's not boredom."

It's not. It's just another activity that fills the time. It just so happens to be an activity that directly effects psychology.

"I mean... But you've done 'em all. So what now?"

That's what I'm wondering.

"We're so afraid of what you're going to do. Are you really okay after using all of those drugs?"

You know, you learn a lot of things when you're high. You see things in ways that you wouldn't have seen them otherwise. I'm not going to romanticize the experience or the existence of drugs at all. I don't think using drugs is beneficial or malevolent. It's definitely unhealthy for the body. It's destructive in that way.

Of course I'm okay after using all the drugs. It's stupid to think that someone is violent or frightening because they use drugs. When we are placed under duress, that is when we become violent. Drug use has the potential to open a doorway for stress. Drug withdrawal causes distress.

The whole mission in the first place was to experience life from an objective point of view. The whole point of existing is to avoid having an opinion on anything. As a very young child I learned that to approach knowledge, one must let go of themselves completely. Letting go of one's attachment to the world is a thing quite simply achieved through the proper meditation.

Drugs allowed me to let go of the attachment I have to my body. Right along with killing the desires of the flesh as outlined in the Bible, helped me understand what it means to truly release all attachment to the physical world & to concrete reality.

Enjoying the pleasures of life are things I've learned are deeper than temptations. They aren't a part of my body. They are a part of the deepest part of my mind and define what it means to exist as an intelligent being.

My shallow forays into the teachings of Buddhism showed me that giving appropriate attention to this lowest place in my mind; the seat of the soul.Never overindulging and not denying the desires keeps the mind a clean and orderly place.

"What is the soul?"

I am the soul. I flow throughout my mind, I never stay in one place long. I explore it, and in doing so explore the mechanisms through which all of us experience life.

Long ago, in the year 2013 an intention came upon me to embrace the widely misunderstood emotion: Anger.

Though I keep my mind an orderly place, I choose to embrace chaos. Chaos in its purest form is most desirable and that exists in very, very few places in the world. Chaos is what beauty in its many forms arises from.

Without chaos, all would be orderly. In that scenario, there is nothing to question. Beauty arises out of chaos, in the midst of it. This is why chaos in itself is beautiful. It allows beauty to exist.

I'm just this creature. A creature that just talks to others so well, and panics so often and suffers from great anxiety.

I'm just a creature. I don't feel much like a human being. I don't feel worthless. I don't feel I am a god or a devil. At times, I feel a bit like an extraterrestrial. The truth is: I know I'm great & powerful and able to do all of the things I want to do, except for the times I don't.

It's like a bipolar disorder that switches at least once a day, like generalized anxiety. Being who I am, I have to accept that anxiety isn't acceptable. I fight it with all the tools and techniques I have learned to avert an anxiety attack. When I fail to remember them or otherwise elect not to use them, a panic attack ensues. A brief period of depression follows; not even a period. A moment. Then I bolster myself once again with two things: pride in who I am & gratitude for all that I have. If the two conflict, then I alter my surroundings.

In this situation, the longer I wait to alter my surroundings, the closer I come to a seizure. The aura fills my thoughts and emotions. Like a little ethereal body floats around and within my body(mainly my head), threateningly tantalizing portions of it with overstimulation. I only perceive it as a slight shift in consciousness. It doesn't lead to a seizure(that I know of), but usually the result is a growing fatigue in all of my muscles.

When I manage to power through this fatigue, my surroundings begin to become altered. Animals(& people) begin to act differently, often approaching me. Rather than changing my surroundings, I perceive that my environment is beginning to alter itself. After I notice that it's beginning to alter itself, I fall back into a more neurotypical state and accept everything with peace and happiness.

Logically, I tell myself this is simply the result of the projection of my own attitude changing on the outside world. In such a weak state, projection is a very powerful psychological defense mechanism & it protects me from becoming too overwhelmed.

What exists beyond projection. If my most base defense mechanism fails and I do end up being too overwhelmed, what lies beyond? Catatonia? Narcolepsy? Psychosis? Epilepsy? I don't think I want to find out.

Depression

Assumption: "Intelligence is the single redeeming characteristic of a human being."

Thought: "Intelligence is the measured value that reflects one's ability to makes other happy."

Reply: "Since I don't have many friends, I must not be very intelligent."

Happiness

Assumption: "Intelligence is the single redeeming characteristic of a human being."

Thought: "Intelligence is the measured value that reflects one's ability to makes other happy."

Reply: "I don't believe that. I believe intelligence is the ability to happy while preserving our planet."

The former induces depression because it reminds the subject of what they are lacking. The latter induces happiness because it gives the subject the feeling that they have won a battle and thought for themselves versus another's opinion.

The day will come when such dialogues are induced by machines interacting with our brains to determine each of our individual personalities; the personalities we have chosen for ourselves.