N°7

I’ve posted so many ads about this, and all I’ve received are responses from men, which is fine. But I’d love to give two opportunities for women if they are available.

I’m looking for a:

And I’m not sure how much I can comfortably sensor anymore, and I probably just need to adjust my filters. You win some, you lose some, and tonight was just a really bad call. Somewhere in synapses of my brain something got crossed and a fall sense of security was displayed tonight. You really can’t be as raw as you wish to be. I’m really talking to myself tonight. It’s super unfortunate, but a cost I’m willing to make.

There’s been a lot of memorable moments where I’ve had to shed peices of myself in some hope of a compromise. Which is fine, it’s normal. Whatever the cost to keep him right?

Sounds super sad, but it is what it is lol.

So I’ve made an effort to just not talk about him at all to anyone in my life. Which is a hard thing. I have to constantly lie to people about things that are going on, who I’m talking to etc all in efforts to keep the peace. It’s not unbearable and yet, slightly tormenting in a respect. Because in moments like these, when I need an outsiders perspective on what’s happening, who I resort to? My band of strangers. Is this healthy?

Today, we reached a boiling point over my “negativity”. I would call it just being realist about a situation. Apparently I shoot down every idea. That’s a fair point. I’m just like that. I’m not nearly as optimistic as he is. I don’t live with the mantra that “things will just work out”. For the record, there’s nothing wrong with that idea, but I don’t agree. My disagreeableness is just “negativity”. I can list so many different ideas I’ve fully supported him 110% with, and all of those have been literally brushed a side by my agreeableness. He said “we” can do this, and frankly, I don’t want to have anything tangible with him, because like I said last night, at any given moment he can switch up. And he’s entitled to do that. I’m not convinced that there’s commitment there, and I’m slightly over having that newfound pressure hanging over my head. I don’t wanna waste time. I have so very little of it.

So the only solution I have, and the one I’m most comfortable with is just removing myself from it entirely. In the sense that I need to just filter my opinions further than they were. Be disciplined in that. He reminds me of my father, baiting me to the place where I’m forced to participate and then “punished” for having a different opinion. Question for the gallery is: do I just walk around opinionless? Or do I have the conversation (this already sounds like the right answer) where I just explain how uncomfortable I feel expressing my opinions from him if they differ because I don’t want them to be misconstrued to me just being “negative”.

Tell you what? I’ll do both. I won’t say anything at all. And IF that every comes up (I doubt it will) then I’ll mention how extremely uncomfortable I feel sharing my opinion and in hopes to just keep the peace and not sound “negative” will refrain from having any emotional response. I don’t want to reach the level of exhaustion of indifference, but that’s where I am. I’m not 100% that he understands that I’ll never be the same girl I was before. That girl is dead. He killed her. He’ll have to live with that, or not.

Again, you really can’t be raw with people you know anymore. Super unfortunate, but not the end of the world.

There’s never a moment where you’re giving a break. It’s always one thing after the other after the other. And I’m reaching the point, where enough is enough.

I’ve had seemingly the worst few months of my life with no break. I would love to know when I’ll be able to come up for air. As I am actually suffocating. I’ve been enduring living with my parents now for years longer than I should’ve. (I literally had to fake sleeping to get them to stop calling me). My small business is tanking because of corona. My love life sank literally two weeks after my birthday. And to top everything off, I haven’t been approved anywhere because of my credit. And I’ve been putting so much effort into it.

I keep working at all these things. Trying new avenues. Doing new things. And some how I’m still am messing up I guess. Lol. And now my parents are talking about it. Which is crazy cause I didn’t want my dad to have any access to this part of my life, and my mom has willingly just let him in by telling him things I told her. I don’t know what I expected.