A Heart for Sleeves

I cannot continue to make myself sick over your decision.

I understand now that love can only work if both parties are willing to show up regardless of their circumstances.

I wasn't willing to show up when it mattered, and I have to be accountable for that because not showing up was my decision.

I'm glad I met you though because you broke through me in a way that I didn't realize I needed.

I am so drawn to conversation with you.

You make things real-world things feel irrelevant.

My nervous system shakes because my heart says it wants you to be my home and safety.

The kind of safety I was so guarded against for seven years.

And because I put so much blame on myself for being imperfect in my prior relationships I lost sight of the fact that I will never be perfect, and genuine love does not ask for perfection - it asks for presence.

In thinking I was taking the right steps towards you I actually took steps away from you - and that puts in a pit in my stomach like no other.

It took me too long to allow myself the openness to let anyone in.

Because you are someone I would fail over and over again for. You are so incredible to me.

And it's been so long that I've had to learn to let go that I've unlearned how to do it smoothly.

So know that I am doing my best to contain myself as not to offend your boundaries.

I want for you to live the life you've always dreamed of and for it to play out the way you deserve for it to.

I understand that means not undoing whatever it took to let go of the feelings you had for me at one point, big or small.

I have been your caretaker for a while now.

I thought you were taking action to better yourself.

Now I don't know what to do.

You wasted all this time knowing it wouldn't last forever.

It feels wrong to be upset with you, but I am.