agustofwind

So, kinda for the last 5 years, I've struggled heavily with food and, like my body image. To the point where 2 years ago I went from 61 kg to 49 kg in the span of a year. No one really notices it, and it varies really from day to day. Like, one day I'll eat normal and have no thoughts, one day I'll eat a lot, and some days I'll eat nothing. It's usually the last one

I haven't really spoken about it to anyone, but it takes over my entire life. I've had days where I would just sit and sob in the kitchen because I get overwhelmed with all the things in there. I don't visually look like I don't eat. I'm not, like, super skinny or overweight

Anyways, my friend was like "Your love life is so easy." And, of course, as a bi woman I replied "What do you mean"

He said, "People just come to you, and you never fall in love"

After a while of silence, he asked me if I had ever fallen in love. And of course I said yes, I have

Not particularly with one person, or even romantically. I think I fall in love with a person every day, whether it be the person in front of me in line because their hair looks good, or a person on the street with pretty eyes, or my friends, or whatever. I don't think falling in love is tied to one person

But I lied to him. That was only half the truth.

I do think I fall in love with a person every day. But when he asked me if I'd ever fallen in love, I thought of one person.

Now, if you're reading this and you know me in real life, you'll know who I am and who I'm talking about immediately.

A few years ago, I met my best friend. I could go on for hours about how lucky I am to have her, but I'll spare you.

With her came her brother.

I remember the first time I ever interacted with him. He was in Year 8 and I was in Year 6, and he was climbing through our school's bathroom window. That did it for me. I fell for him, and hard

Obviously, his sister being my best friend and all, saw him a lot.

He wasn't exactly the most put-together person. He was a junkie, and he had none of his life together at allhe rolled me my first joint as well

A year ago, he went to rehab, and when he came back, I was at my friend's house. The first thing we did was smoke a cigarette.

I know.

I know.

I guess I saw that he wasn't okay before anyone else did, and I just fell harder. I confused the feeling of sympathy with love, and now I can't get out of it. It's been five years, and he's still someone I deeply yearn for.

The thing is, I'll never really get away from him. In five, ten, or fifteen years, he'll probably still be there. He'll be sitting in the second row at my wedding, and all I'll be able to think is, What did I do so correctly in my life that he isn't the person I'm spending it with

So yeah I have fallen in love.

And I think I will always love him

I feel like a six year old, but I don't know. It's not like school is this awful place, and I know a lot of people have it so much worse. They get bullied, hit, and go through all these awful things, and here I am crying because I have to go to school today.

Song of the day

I'm in school. More specifically, I'm in English Pro. Yes, I did sneak that in there to brag about my amazing English. The irony is that I haven't finished a single assignment yet because I genuinely couldn't give less of a fuck.

I don't know what's scarier: the academic pressure, or the fact that I literally don't care about it at all.

Anyways, it's 8:24 a.m., the first period of the day. My teacher is also going through a midlife crisis, so now all our essays are about ethics. "What do we owe each other?" is our prompt this week.

Besides the fact that expecting a group of seventeen-year-olds to answer that in a well-written, well-explained essay is slightly delusional, it got me thinking.

This question has been circulating through ethics for hundreds of years, and maybe I'm just not deep enough, but it has a pretty simple answer. It doesn't need 2,000 words and five paragraphs.

Case in point: What do we owe each other?

We owe one another understanding, composure, open-mindedness, and respect.

That's it.

Sure, you could drag it out, make it deeper and more poetic, and I probably will because grades demand sacrifice to the academic gods. But that's really all there is to it.

But I mean, do I think they are, or ever were, romantically involved? No. Oscar has a girlfriend, and honestly, if Lando were a woman, things would be so different. They'd get hate if they looked at Oscar for a second too long.

Do I think Oscar is queer? No.

Do I think Lando is bi? Uh... next question.

This sounds so parasocial, and I understand that it could be. Hyperfixating on real people with real lives isn't healthy. Like, at all.

However, throw all of that out the window for a second.

I read Bad Bad News on AO3, and separate from the fact that it's about Lando and Oscar, I really resonated with the way the characters were portrayed. After reading it, I felt so incredibly, deeply empty. I don't really know how to explain it, but the depth of love in the writing made me envy them. Yes, I envied fiction.

I always have this feeling that I'll never be loved to that extent. And apart from Landoscar, it's like that whenever I read or watch romance. It's this empty, melancholic kind of sadness, and suddenly I'm back in Year 4, when all I wanted was to be loved so incredibly deeply. The kind of love a person can barely fathom.

I guess that's why, when people edit Lando and Oscar well enough with the right music, I get that exact same feeling all over again.

But anyway, saying all of this while simultaneously being in my fuck girl era is actually insane.

Today was so normal it's actually scary. Every day is like that now. It's exactly the same, like I'm stuck in a loop. Or rather in a point of time.

It doesn't bother me much anymore because I guess I'm scared of change. Life is a cycle of losing and finding, and if the cycle stops at a good place, it's not that bad, really. I have friends and a partner, and I have plans on weekends, so I tell myself it's okay.

I saw a pretty girl today and got sad because I'm still very much closeted. But whatever. Anyways, that's pretty much it.