Laughing at People Laughing at Me: A memoir

i broke up with my GF today, it was a fucking long band aid rip (terrible metaphor, I know). It’s a lot of things, and lot of them were *me* related problems. I deserved what was coming for me. I’ve been an awful partner lately especially bc I’ve very much been like “I want dick and masculinity (two exclusive entitites)” as of late. Also we are on VERY different life paths & I was easily like “how is this going to work out? It’s. Not.”

It ended up as a mutual break up; I was pretty sure the second call tonight was gonna be her hanging onto me. I’m glad that she was kinda on the same page. But I’m gonna be very diligent about how I DON’T talk about this on finsta or whatever because she will & then, to my face, told me all of the ways she was going to be vent about me on the internet. I know it will be all about me and my stupid, abusive ex but it’s fine. I deserve it.

I guess I deserve it but I also know I am hard on myself so maybe I didn’t deserve all of it. I felt really trapped in this relationship & I don’t wish any harm on my ex. She probably wishes it on me.

This reminds me so much of my POI & I have to be better and it will be really hard bc I feel like I don’t have a lot of friends & I’m about to start my life all the way over & my ex will have all of that support system.

the worst, worst, worst part is that I feel like I lost a best friend. Which I did. and I don’t know if I’ll regain that friend. Friends come and go, obviously, but idk. It’s hard for me to connect to people like we connected. Or if I’ll ever get laid again. lmao.