Hungry Hungry Hippo

Tbh lately I've been thinking its time to restrict again

I used to really miss being underweight but now I realize that even then I didn't look tiny so like what's the point? I just want to be a tiny Lil pixie princess is that too much too ask?

I feel guilty every time someone touches me or sees my body especially when its to bring me pleasure cause I'm pretty much the least attractive piece of shit and I'm really out of shape and body is shaped weird and I look slightly pregnant and lumpy and some of it is newish fat so its all built up in weird places so I'm not overall plump I'm just really huge in the tummy and thigh and face departments and my arms too but slightly less so but like my tits are so freaking tiny, tinier than my pudged out pot belly and my chest is still relatively boney ish. Like defs not anywhere near what I want it to look like but its less gross than certain areas which only makes the bad areas look worse and basically what I'm trying to say is when I have sex it makes me sad that it feels so good because I know that nobody who had to look at me could feel as much pleasure as they make me feel and that's not fair. I don't feel like I deserve sex or cuddles or kisses. I dont deserve to be loved and you don't deserve someone so subpar and unsatisfactory

I'm pretty sure that I am incapable of ever satisfying anyone physically or emotionally, my life was a devastating mistake and I'm afraid that for most people who have had the pleasure of interacting with me its all gone down hill from there

I love dates with my partner but they make me hate myself so much, his life and his body make me sure that I have not earned to calories I'm consuming, that I don't deserve the food I'm eating, that I shouldn't be with him. I don't want to always be the person in the relationship who isn't good enough, I'm tired of knowing that you are settling for so much less than you deserve

I hope that someday I will he able to eat without feeling as though I’m consuming calories that I haven’t earned. I hope I will be able to speak without feeling guilty that I am wasting time and breath, I hope I will someday be able to get through the day without crying or gasping for breathe or shoving fingers down my throat trying to find a gag reflex you helped me lose. I hope I’ll eventually be able to kiss without feeing that I am stealing something I don’t deserve, without feeling like I’m tainting something beautiful or robbing you of all the pleasure and happiness you deserve. I want to know that someday I will be confident that i am enough and not have to worry that you will seek pleasure in fantasies starring tumblr girls with pages dedicated to their perfect ass. I hope that someday it won’t hurt this much to just exist because I can’t move because my body is too heavy and I can’t think because my mind is too busy and I know that I do this to myself and I know that no one else deserves to be put through this, no one should have to stay with me because I am not a person who should get people. I’m not a person who deserves support. I am trying and failing to make up for my accidental and unwanted existence by easing the pain of others but I only seem to add to it. So I need someone to tell me that someday I won’t feel this way. That someday I will feel good enough. That someday I will believe it when someone tells me that they want me more than anyone else. I need to know that sometime in my life I will get to fee wanted and happy and good and to have that feeling last. Because right now I don’t have a reason to do much anymore. I don’t have a reason to get out of bed, I don’t have a reason to exist because I have failed in every aspect of my life and I’m tired of failing and I’m tired of hurting and I want it to be over I just need to make it stop  everything.