I Hope The Scanners Do Better

My snatch is the thing that gets me in my head when I've got other shit going on.  it’s because my confidence and mindset needs to be focused on not dying from getting crushed by weight and nothing shakes confidence like some of the things going on in life today.  today was ok.  it was another session.  bad days happen.  i’m lucky that they don’t happen as often as they used to.  and that I was by myself.  if I as in a gym, it would have been worse.  next time i’ll have a better hold  of the situation.  I learn.  

I think about things a lot. I work shit out. Logically. Emotionally. I spend time on it. I come to conclusions. And I forget that I haven’t taken others with me on the journey so they don’t follow how I’ve gotten there. I must sound like a crazy person.

We know about each other. Facts. Tidbits. Opinions. These are to knowing a person as looking at pictures of people fucking is to making love to a person. You get the gist of me. And I you. If we’re a smart we can cobble together something based around these facts. Biased and romanticized by our own personal limitations. Close but no cigar. We know what we allow each other to know and anything else is deduced but let’s say they’re true then it’s still. all. just. facts. We supply the narrative. How close to the truth of each other do you think we are?

When people don’t get what they want from you, they show you who they are. What’s more is that they show you what they think of you. In my life, they tell me. Every awful thought. And it’s a test that I fail. Because I can’t let it go. Not every time. But enough. People decide they want to have it out with me. All the time. And it always, ALWAYS starts with me asserting myself. I feel bad. Because they drag an awfulness out of me. And my awfulness is stronger than theirs. But I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to hurt. Not with words not with anything. But when I stand up for myself, or heaven forbid utter the word “no”, I am met with “how dare you?” Not the actual words. Those aren’t spoken. That’s the feeling. That’s the intent. And not just that. It’s not that they feel they shouldn’t be stood up to, its “how dare YOU?” As in me, specifically. They’re not above reproach. They’re above ME. And there are times when I just don’t want to pretend it’s ok. It’s not. So they get the worst of me in return. And it just bothers me. From end to end it bothers me. My reaction more than anything. Not only because I believe I can assert myself without it but because it’s used as justification for their behavior. If they can make you guilty they feel as though their guilt is cancelled out.