Brain Spit

Living in NYC I have had the opportunity to be around people from all over the globe. It was awesome! Then I moved to a smaller city where the people were predominantly white. Thats also fine, I love everyone. But over the years I started to see and experience some things that have now led to a new type of anxiety for me.

-I feel uncomfortable in a room with a lone white man with a hard face.

-I feel uncomfortable being in a car with a lone white man.

-I feel uncomfortable going on a date with a white man who wants to take me back to his place.

I want you to know that this 13456789% has nothing to do with race. It does however have everything to do to with the fact that something negative has happened to me in these situations involving white men.

My Uber driver started to veer off of the map directions to my destination when he noticed I was drunk, and tried to sweet talk me. I made the mistake of sitting in the front seat. Luckily I noticed we were going the wrong way and had to combat that right away.

I went on a date that I thought was going well, until he was violent with me when we were behind closed doors.

I couldn't enjoy myself at a gathering with friends bc the lone white male kept shooting disgusting looks at me and saying awful things under his breath. The energy radiating off of him made me feel like I couldn't breathe. My anxiety was very visible and apparent to everyone else in the room.

There have been a few other instances where my brown skin was an issue for some white men and I had to try my best to block out all the vile things that were said to me. Or even the opposite, where they liked my skin but too much, and asked disgusting things of me then berated me when I didn't do what was asked, making me feel like a piece of meat.

Now of course, I know that in every community there will be someone that can say or do hurtful things, but never in my life have I had THIS much negative experience with a group of people. I've seen and heard these men say and do awful things to others, and I might have even saved someone from being date raped. That was a scary experience and I hope this never happens to anyone.

Never have I before had this kind of anxiety, but now I become highly uncomfortable being around a lone white male, not because of what society tells me I should feel, but because of how these men and their actions make me feel. I know not every white man is like this, but I have had way too many experiences in a short amount of time that really made me start to think otherwise. This is something I need to work on, but what I really want, is for men in general to not be gross, to anyone. Period.

HEY! So, this past year or so, with the rise and fall, as rise again of this pandemic we’re in, I started to check in with friends on their mental health. I don’t know about you, but I know that mine for sure has been a bit rocky. Anxieties are high and my demeanor towards the outside world has changed a bit. But thats ok! We are learning, and unlearning, how to combat those feelings, and more importantly how to express those feelings. Sometimes just getting it out can be really helpful, but we may struggle a bit with getting the words out. We stumbled upon a topic during all this healing: CONVERSATIONS WE AREN’T HAVING. 

You know that saying ‘if I knew then what I know now”..? yea, we have all said that at least once. But what does that mean for you? What is a conversation you wish you had years ago, and how would it affect your life today? It could be about anything, your body, traumas, behavior, or even those of others. Its important to have hard conversations, even though they are in fact really hard to have. It promotes communication, bonding, healing, and even closure for some people. There is also an added level of understanding that can help you grow in to a wiser, more successful and stress free human. 

We decided to start the discussion, and are in the works of launching a podcast. So with this, I ask you,