“i used to think i found beauty in simplicity, in the simple things: rain, eyes, freckles, him, his blue eyes, his freckles. i used to adore the beauty, the simple yet so deeply complex beauty. that was until it no longer felt or seemed simple, and when something doesn’t seem simple, it doesn’t look it either. that’s the moment i realised - right there and right then. in the midst of a sun shower of all places, in the middle of such an unexplained and yet glorious act of beauty & purity, all the things i used to see in you, that you were no longer the things i loved that you, yourself was not one of things i loved. that your freckles weren’t connected like constellations and they didn’t make beautiful sketches on your face anymore, they were just a reminder to take care of yourself. that your eyes no longer contained the ocean, the shore, the moon & all it’s stars. they were just blue. and you, were just you. but you know what, the rain, it is still beautiful. it helped me realise i loved you & then it showed me that there are two types of rains just as there are two types of loves: dark, heavy and cold - you love it anyway but you know it has to end. bright, light and warm - you love it because you know it always comes back, and that in the end, it’ll be there. that’s the thing about you, i always knew it was too good to be true, i knew you’d leave and i knew that eventually, i’d be okay with that. so how did i realise? i asked myself one thing: would i rather it rain forever or would i rather the sunshine? so i got out i got out so i could stop standing in the goddamn rain and find my goddamn sunshine”

“i used to think i found beauty in simplicity, in the simple things: rain, eyes, freckles, him, his blue eyes, his freckles. i used to adore the beauty, the simple yet so deeply complex beauty. that was until it no longer felt or seemed simple, and when something doesn’t seem simple, it doesn’t look it either. that’s the moment i realised - right there and right then. in the midst of a sun shower of all places, in the middle of such an unexplained and yet glorious act of beauty & purity, all the things i used to see in you, that you were no longer the things i loved that you, yourself was not one of things i loved. that your freckles weren’t connected like constellations and they didn’t make beautiful sketches on your face anymore, they were just a reminder to take care of yourself. that your eyes no longer contained the ocean, the shore, the moon & all it’s stars. they were just blue. and you, were just you. but you know what, the rain, it is still beautiful. it helped me realise i loved you & then it showed me that there are two types of rains just as there are two types of loves: dark, heavy and cold - you love it anyway but you know it has to end. bright, light and warm - you love it because you know it always comes back, and that in the end, it’ll be there. that’s the thing about you, i always knew it was too good to be true, i knew you’d leave and i knew that eventually, i’d be okay with that. so how did i realise? i asked myself one thing: would i rather it rain forever or would i rather the sunshine? so i got out i got out so i could stop standing in the goddamn rain and find my goddamn sunshine”

“We’re caught within this loop of ‘forever’s and ‘never’s alternating between the soft touch of fingertips and the beating of fists We’re summer and winter a riot against ourselves I taste magic like poison on your lips when our teeth collide and reality like the antidote when we melt into each other. We’re the sand and the snow We freeze and we thaw. We’re so caught within this loop of paradoxes that we shouldn’t be within that we don’t realise when we turn into ice so rapidly every inch of me that you touch, cracks. And I spill over you like blood on snow like fresh bruises on supple skin. and you scatter every piece of me in your arms like I’m the sun drowning in your horizon.”

“Don’t wander away from yourself to get close to someone else.”

“I never understood how he could be so detached one moment his eyes would be full of warmth and the next turning so cold making shivers run down my body how he could just shut off his feelings with no effort at all pushing me away to the edge then being surprised when I jumped off”

I have ran out of excuses to justify you, and of tears with which to cry you. I have tried going blind so I could not see what was going on but the darkness is no place for me, now I know. I have tried putting myself into your shoes but I find my feet don’t fit into such a heartless pair as you wear. I am sick of asking for things I shouldn’t have to ask for, like your care, your attention, and your time. I have loved you with an open heart, with all I am and I in turn have received almost nothing of what I want, just you, all of you, all of your heart. And after all this time I find myself empty and fighting this void of a relationship if that is what this can be called, see I am not sure anymore. What I do know is that I am tired and I don’t want to fight anymore because I am the only one in the gladiator pit while you are in the spectator stand.I chose now as I did before, but this time it is not to love you anymore. I think I am finally ready to let you go.

“You. It’s strange how every moment feels like a dreamscape when every second I’ve spent with you has left me feeling alive. Your hair a tangled mess against the pillow, your dazed warm eyes, the freckles on your cheeks spelling out poetry I could never get tired of reading, your lips gently parted, your chest slowly rising and falling with every breath you take. I could never get tired of waking up to your face in the morning as the sunlight filters through the curtains and spills onto you, as every inch of your skin comes alive. You. You are the one they talk about in movies and in poetry, the one who ‘knocks me the fuck out’ with the way you drink your coffee in the morning, the one whom I want to spend the rest of however eternity lasts. And I want to be there for every moment after. I’d write you “I love you’s” on candles so that even when they melt, the promise still lingers within the puddle of hot wax, I’d brandish the way my name rolls off your tongue on every tick of the clock so that the rooms resound with your echo when you’re away. When you feel out of place within yourself, you’ll always have me holding you, tracing back the map on your palms, reminding you how you used to find yourself in worn out notebooks and the sweet smell of lavender from staying under the shower for too long. I’ll be here for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until we grow old and turn into trees, planted side by side so that our branches intertwine into each other as we grow. Shooting stars all break up. But all I’d ever wish for would be to be right here, right now, with you.”

you’re going to sprout soon, little seed. and after you sprout, you’re going to grow. and after you grow, you’re going to blossom. and after you blossom, you’re going to bloom. and once you bloom, you’ll be so radiant and lovely and beautiful. I hope you admire your petals the way others will.

When I would open up and tell people that I have anger issues and am aggressive, they didnt believe me or said it is ridiculous.