Everyone’s On Their Own Journey

I’m so glad you enjoyed the dinner you wanted and I bought that you complained about, and the painting class I paid for and you made a scene at, and the drinks I bought which you asked for then didn’t drink, and the guest room in my home which you were welcomed to. However,

Turn my thermostat down 12 degrees in the middle of the night again and I’m forwarding you my electric bill.

1) Google it. Ya ignorant ass don’t need to trouble others when the knowledge of a million lifetimes is at your fingertips. Just string some words that feel roughly adjacent to the one you want into a search engine and jam the button like you’re Wile E. Coyote with an Acme remote. Just don’t make it sound too murdery - Big Brother be watchin.

2) Call your momma. She wiped your butt and taught you the birds and the bees. She’ll definitely judge you for trying to figure out how to find unicorn adult footie pajamas without stumbling across some frankly concerning porn, but she’ll help you out. Momma always knows.

Anytime you feel the need to tell me what to do with my life (like quit my job and start making you some grandkids), you should lovingly write your opinions of my life choices down, carefully fold your hopes and demands into a paper crane, and place your passive-aggressive suppository so far up that you can almost taste it when you cough.

Love,

The mother-of-all-snide-comments-in-law, or MOASCIL, caught me when hubs left the room. Something to the effect of how I can now complete my wifely duties of popping out kids and staying at home since my hubby got a new job... you’re right, lady, my masters degree and job I’m passionate about are clearly a cry for help; my place is obviously at home, barefoot and pregnant.

Also, to be clear,

I don’t trust this woman with a cactus.

HAT SIZES!

Men have allllllll these different sizes for allllllll their different size noggins and women get that “one size fits no one” crapola. At the VERY most the option of S/M & L/XL are the only two acceptable dimensions of a bitch’s brain basket.

Ex-CUSE the hell out of me for having a voluptuous cranium!

Men’s hats have serious sounding sizes too! 7 3/8th, 7 1/2, like they might be consistent across various makers, but do you think a schmedium or lextralarge in ladies’ hats will fit the same across different brands?

to call it quits? When it’s good, but not that great? When the sparkle has been gone so long you think it might’ve been something in your eye? Is it like yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting? Not your favorite flavor, but better than nothing?

Do you wait until you’re 35 and you’ve spawned a few snot nosed tax exemptions and you’re so financially ensnared with them that it takes them falling into bed with a coworker on a business trip to snap you out of it?

Will you regret accepting good enough? Is there anything more out there for you?

Long-suffering husband: it’s a bathtub. You’re in a bathtub. There’s a fly in the bathtub.