Talking to Myself

FOCUS ON YOUR DREAM.

STOP COMPLAINING.

BE AN ATTORNEY.

EAT LAW SCHOOL.

PRAY TO GOD.

MEDITATE.

THINK THROUGH YOUR THOUGHTS.

FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT.

STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.

FIND A NEW JOB.

STUDY HARD.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

PROTECT YOUR PEACE.

LOVE THYSELF.

I have seen women grieve.

Some grieve for their sons, husbands; some grieve for a life that they could had.

Every woman is grieving for something that made their life one out of the ordinary. Despite all these sorrow, I happen to find myself fascinated by the feeling because I keep on chasing for the things that will give me something to grieve about.

I grieve about life in general.

I think God has given this gift so that I can find joy in the smallest of things.

I am easy to please but this easiness is being used against me.

I realized now that treating someone as if you are giving your best to them while they only give you the bare minimum is like serving a toddler with a bundle of cash which is spent in the most futile things.

I thought it was brave of me to date someone who did not want any commitment because that will mean that I will have less to grieve about.

It turns out that I have gaslighted myself so that I could consent to the idea reckless and careless loving.

The problem is with me.

I have contemplated and found that when I love, there are no boundaries and just like a bird in the sky, I feel so high that I tend to forget the facts.

I think if the world was full of people who loved just like I do, then we could have been all trusting.

Chrstn is a liar. A cheat. A user and gaslighter.

He managed to trap my emotions into this bubble that he controlled.

The generation I happen to grow up in is full of characters living stories they did not write for themselves; eyes half closed, feet wandering through alley to alley.

I met Christian last year, around September, when I was in another state of stupidity.

I happen to know that when we first met, he wanted an illicit affair but since I was heartbroken and in need of a friend, I set up boundaries and as the guy he is, he respectfully obliged to be my friend.

We grew closer throughout the months by exploring roads and mountains together, sharing stories both the happy and sob ones.

I felt really happy with him.

We grew really close up to the point that we eventually gave in to our feelings but with a boundary that we are do not want to commit and yet we expressedly excluded ourselves to only date each other.

Fucked up, right?

I was and still am ok with our set-up.

We are affectionate to each other and yet we also treat each other as a good friend whom we can tell one another anything.

I will never forget that night we went to the Sand Dunes to wait for dawn. On the sandy hills, we sat under a nipa shed and drank beer. We listened to music while telling each other about the wonders our little hearts desire.

I did not know how it happen but we found ourselves dancing under the stars, listening to the music coming from his mobile phone... a YouTube playlist.

We were facing each other while standing and my arms were wrapped around his neck. He was holding me by my waist and we were just smiling and talking like that while unconsciously swaying to the music.

When we grew conscious that we were dancing, we laughed and embraced. He told me that it was a long time ago since he last held a woman like that.

I did not tell him but in my heart, it was a long a long time ago, too, since I felt a kind of love like that.

It was not pure but we were comfortable with each other without even trying. The bond felt right and warm.

We spent so much time together that our emotions grew intense. And you know? Intensity means passion.

We found ourselves getting jealous... Him of Ley, and I of his past lover and a close girl-friend.

We found ourselves angry at each other. But it made us more familiar with each other's hearts and minds.

He said that him and I had a connection, which makes our relationship special.

But as I said, this generation are full of people who are half-asleep.

I once told him that I have fallen in love with him--- we tell each other 'I love you's' but never really conquered our fears to tell how we really feel.

He said that he loves and cares for me but he has no intention to commit. I was heartbroken and felt that I needed to protect myself by abandoning the relationship.

We somehow grew apart but then he demanded that I should be accountable and at least face him if I plan to end things.

We did not end things but we negotiated about our terms... to at least acknowledge and reciprocate the feelings even though there is no commitment.

I was baffled by the idea of him.

A guy in his 30's who does not have the plan to marry nor have children. I sought answers from my male friends and said that he is a red flag and I should run away.

I did see him as a red flag but then as we grew more intimate this time, I have come to see the reasons why he has this perspective in life.

I think he just doesn't want to go through what he experienced as a child, again, or he doesn't want to create a family who might experience the same as he did.

Under the moonlight and breaths reeking of smoke, he told me in detail what he went through as a child who lived in poverty.

He said that he started working in the fields as young as eight and that he used to accompany his mother and siblings to sell kakanin and home-grown vegetables as early as 5 am so that they can have money to go to school at 7 am.

He said that they would go for days without electricity because his mother does not have the money to pay the bill.

They were discriminated because his father was in jail and was refused by society to employ when he got out.

So, he experienced even rummaging through rivers for hours just to get fish or clams for viand because he was tired of eating vegetables.

I was optimistic but my heart was aching while listening to him.

Maybe, he suffered too much as a child that he ended up thinking that creating a family means a burden that his future members might carry.

Every time I invite him to eat at my apartment or when I hand him a pocket of sandwich and goodies for breakfast before we leave the apartment, I usually notice a sparkle in his eyes, which makes me happy because he was happy.

He is a good guy. That, I can say.

And I am glad that I have gotten to know him better since it has made me realize the questions that I have taken the advantage to oversee.

Clearly, there are things that I did not experience as him. But I am proud that he has become a successful man because at least now, he get to enjoy the life that he did not have as a child.

It explains the spontaneous trips. The stuffed toys he buy and keeps in his car. The food he wants to try.

The love I have for him is not that romantic kind altogether but a love that transcends that affair. It almost feel that I want to protect him every time we embrace to sleep.

Maybe in the future, his plans will change but I will not wait for that to come since I am content with what we have now.

And if we will end up committing to other persons... I think he will have a special place in my life.

I had an epiphany that maybe, maybe romantics find it difficult to bind a partner because we are meant to be solitary.

The universe has assigned us to probe through reality and to sift what is unworldly in it.

We bleed words with our tongues; we write images with our subconscious mind; we enchant melody with the strands of our passions and; we yearn not through tears but by realizing the beauty of resentment and bitterness.

Last month, I went to a hike with a circle of acquaintances and friends. We cut through dawn with walking sticks to venture the mountain that hid a sovereign waterfall.

My legs trembled during the trek but the splendor that unfolded to us along the way motivated me to reach this cascade. And it fulfilled its promise.

The height that I reached washed away my body's pain. I felt infinite.

My head kept screaming that we did not only arrived to what we looked for, I also found myself.

The memory what I saw is still vivid to me. As we were finally floating on the basin of the waterfall, I immersed in me the rocky cliffs and the hills crawled upon by lush green bushes and trees.

The light of the sun which was angrily plastered against the canvass of cliffs made the water that we floated upon glimmer.

And as I tried to absorb the scenery, I felt tremendous joy that I was solo and unattached.

Well, my friends kept me sane and I am keeping some dalliances but I was relieved that I was not committed to a directionless romance with a person.

My taste in men is not recommendable. I like to chase; am fond of challenge and tend to translate romantical neglect to love.

I stay at night decoding and transcribing poor treatment to arrogance and vanity of love.

What is there to explain? Lovers perish for love.

But right there, on the cold gushing water of the falls, I realized that romantics don't need be in relationship to fulfill their duties.

WE chase our spark through the stillness of the night. We live through the noise and the work of our hands keep those who listen alive.

In all honesty, I cherish that I pain and that I laugh about things that other people find foolish and irrational.

The great minds and artists were all taunted because the society could not decipher what they were trying to convey. And I am not saying that I belong to the pool of these great men... I just find it romantic that others might misunderstood me just as they have misunderstood them, but little do they know that this foolishness is keeping me alive and that is all that matters.

-MAJAR, 2026

Oh, what a power it is to be able to move a person’s heart with words.

You should watch it☹️🥹… was sobbing 30 mins near the end of the movie. It made me question about who I am and who I am expected to be… Sabi sa movie, I live to be the ruler of life, not a slave. And I get to contemplate on we try to navigate how to live our tiny speck of a life but not on what or who are we trying to live for.

We get our degrees, we socialize with the right people, we try our best to be civilized.. bc modern humans think it is the best way to be defined as a progressive man. But we often forget to make our existence count by being truly alive, not just conforming to what the society demands….

How do I tell my nanay that in the midst of chasing success, growth, and stability, I yearn for home and its safety.

That in this life wherein you are forced to act like an adult, deal with professionals, and mediocre, unsilly people, I yearn to be their little girl all over again.

How do I tell my tatay that I yearn for his kisses and hugs, that I feel a pang in my chest every time that I feel the hesitation in his actions to embrace me like his little girl before.

How do I tell him that I am weak and in need of help; that his daughter is not that brave like he thought she is.

How do I tell them that I feel so fucking lonely but I don't want to live at home also.

How do I tell them that I just want to live a normal life.

I don’t regret how they raised me. I am grateful I am living this life but sometimes, I just feel so fucking heavy.

I was the first one to leave town when I went to high school. My sibling and cousins used to look up and listen to my tell-tales about my new life in the city-- with city folks whose culture is different from ours.

Eight years later, I am back in our province while all my cousins and sibling are in different cities.

I am left to visit my grandparent's house with my younger cousins who are still studying and to dine with my parents in my childhood home every holiday.

If I weren't busy with law school, I guess I would have been ransacked with envy and anxiousness. Again.

My family understands that I keep a wild soul. It cries when caged and always yearn to soar in that canvas of orange and pinkish skies of indigos.

But I know in myself that my wings are not sturdy yet. A strong blow of wind may reduce my pride to nothing.

I prayed to God that he let me be satisfied with drifting momentarily while I strengthen my wings. I think law school fulfilled that.

Two years of living aimlessly led me here today and I am relieved that I am finally working on myself.

It is true what they say that when you try to strive for personal growth, all the other things that you have been chasing before will chase you back.

My weakness should be love. Romantic love.

And I almost lost it all again with Win but thank goodness, I snapped out of it because he made me realize that I was beginning to look weak and pathetic all over again.

All just because someone has showed me a little bit of affection.

And now, I can't even look at guys without thinking of all the possible worst scenarios that could happen to me and to my peaceful life if I let them stay temporarily again. Just like with Franz.

I cannot take care of guys who doesn't even know how to flush the fucking toilet or gets up with the bed unmade and goes to the table to wait for breakfast.

I think, if ever I am going to fall in love again. I don't want a guy who is like Christian or Win.

I need a guy who treats me like my father does. And if ever I can find someone like that, I guess we'll have to wait till I receive that addition to my name. hehehe

Lately, I am satisfied to how things have turned.

I am relieved that God has made a way for Franz and I to finally let go of each other. I am grateful that he did not let me marry him and to his family.

I am grateful that my previous plans in life did not go as planned.

I am rich with friendships and family love and I am cherishing every bit of failure and success that comes my way.

I may actually live a happy life in the future... let's just see and wait.

ATTYby2030

Abot kamay ang langit.

Amen.

It reminds me of my summers spent at my grandparent’s house with cousins when we were children.

When I was in elementary, my brother and I would spend weeks at my lolo and lola’s house every summer just to get away from home and to give us time to spend with our cousins on the mother’s side. Our parents would come visit us every now and then to give us allowance and would ask us to go home which we would refuse and ask for more time.

My cousins and I would spend the days doing mundane activities as children but that made us closer over the years. In the mornings, after breakfast, we would divide the task of sweeping the yards off of the dried leaves collected over night. The house was surrounded by fruiting trees back then and just an overnight accumulation of dried leaves will take 30 minutes out of the time of 7 children.

We will then help with chores inside the house like washing the laundry or cooking the food. My personal favorite was during every Sunday, when it was time to go to the market to buy rations of food, which my parents often did at our house without involving us. I think that’s how I developed my fondness of looking and buying for fresh and cheap food that comprised a simple diet of vegetables, fishes, meat, and occasional fruits.

Food was minimal over at my grandparents’ house since not all the parents of my cousins were able to provide for them that’s why they were raised together on a budget given by the whole extended family from my grandfather’s bloodline, including my parents. I learned how to observe that helping yourself to a large share of food during every meal is insensitive because there are so many mouths to feed.

Gratefully, my brother and I on the contrary, were able to be raised by our poor parents with our needs met and enjoyed occasional extravagance. Looking back, food was never an issue at home but the joy is different when you are sharing a meal with many people even though the food is limited. There are times when I was a child that I would feel guilty and sad whenever I saw my cousins fight over food or when we wake up at night with our stomachs growling and there were no available food to eat at their house.

During those times, I would wish I was at home.

I remember one time, there were no biscuits nor milk to snack on so we decided to cook rice in the middle of the night and shared a lone can of Spam given by our uncle abroad. We were still hungry after but the laughter we shared while making the meal is a memory that I still remember today.

Continuing, we would spend the afternoons under the trees or in bed. When the sun was too hot, we would salvage large cartons and would lay them down under that big lumboy tree wherein we would spend the afternoon in nature, talking about our summer crushes, text mates, school friends, or listening to music from our small keypad pressed mobile phones that were Bluetooth-sent by random people.

When that dreaded 3 pm comes, all of us would be called back inside the house to help with outside chores. We would carry large buckets of water to water the plants all over the yards and the girls are obliged to help in the kitchen to prepare the food while my other cousins would bathe the pigs and feed the chickens.

And after all that ‘persecution’ ends, we would run into the hills to sight-see, play, or collect cashew nuts or random fruits. Our summer friends, children who also came to live with their relatives in the province for the summer would join us and we would be glad to have them as our company.

I think it’s how I got all my knee scars. I rarely play outside my house at home and so when I play with my cousins outside, I would easily get bruised or scratched but I think at least that made me more normal.

When I was a kid, I dreaded those 3 pm afternoons because of all the house chores that we were subjected to do by my aunt and grandma but today, 12 years later, I get emotional just by looking at the warm sun-rays spread all over the floor during 3 pm in the afternoon and the birds are chirping outside like they used to when we would lay down beneath those trees, worry-free, ignorant, and innocent.

I realized I am old and that I will never get to experience those again. It was a last time which I never got to fully realize until now. It will be one of those tell-tales that I will tell future acquaintances and friends.

My heart sinks every time I process that my cousins and I are now in different parts of the world, chasing dreams, making ends meet, and struggling to live this life as our parents did.

That 3 pm routine was so intricate in my system as a child that I have carried the memories in my heart now that I am a young adult who can now ponder and contemplate that I was at my happiest back then, when I was young, ignorant, and innocent.

I saw their wings sparkling with the water as they flew on the nearby tree when my approaching car startled them and I felt guilty for disturbing their slow morning routine.

It was so pure and innocent, that scene. For a while I wished I was one of them.

But no, I am forever subjected to the pressures of this world as long as I will breathe.

Win said to me the last time that we met that he liked boyish women better because it provided him more challenge to pursue and convince them that they needed his love.

Looking at him in the luminescence of the light coming from outside the window under the twilight of the moon, my head rang and a pang of self-awareness hit me.

In the midst of liking him and craving for his affection, reality slapped me hard in the face, he doesn’t like me because I provide him no challenge.

I was always available for him.

I was almost ashamed of myself but then he was always was available for me, too.

But then I got the answer to my questions.

Maybe there was some affection during our second meeting but I am sure it got dissolved on our third meeting because we realized what we wanted and what we needed.

Win made me realized why the guys I ignore always exert more effort just to see or talk to me compared to him whom I always provided time for.

It is an intrinsic drive for men to hunt and pursue just like their ancestors did. Going through challenges boosts their ego.

Women, on the other side, are meant to be pursued, whatever may be contemporary principles like gender equality dictates. It’s inherent in their femininity that they should be the one providing the challenge for men to pursue them.

J’ust like that, my obsession and constant yearning for his affection and attention dissolved. And I could breathe again.

This is why self-help books and writers tell their readers that instead of looking for love, it is better to focus on yourself and let love come at its ripe time.

Because then men would see how independent and focused you are in building yourself that convincing you that you need them in your life would suffice the challenge.

And so I told myself that I should really focus on law school and stop waiting for his texts.

The right guy would see my drive to build myself and would realize that I am worth pursuing for at the right time.

It is so good to have these kind of self-reawakening. God’s plans are really in the right track.

Ladies….. carry on. You are someone else’s dream woman.

He was different from the first time that I met him. He was more gentle and open.

His voice indicated that he was more vulnerable than the first time I met him.

I fetched him at the gate where he parked his car and upon meeting.. he embraced my waist a little bit but I was absent-minded and motioned him to follow me.

He entered my apartment while I washed my feet outside.

He saw my ipad’s stickers and my laptop.

I told him that my housemate is at her room so we should head inside.

When we got inside the room, we immediately cuddled hahahaha!

like couples do! With foreheads pressed and I, hugging him and resting my head on his chest while he embraces me tightly. Hahaha!

When I looked at him, he didn’t hesitate to kiss me and then he climbed on top of me.

We proceeded to make love.

I thought we will not cuddle again after the sex since that is what happened last time.

but it was so fucking weird and amazing!

Our love-making was 30 mins! and then we proceeded talking and cuddling for 3 hours!

He asked about the Ghibli stickers he saw on my Ipad and if I happen to play computer games too.

We then proceeded talking about our love of Ghibli and the games we play.

Then the movies we like… preferences and our unrequited dreams and ambitions.

the more we talked, the more we discovered we had so many things in similar.

His foot touched mine and then unconsciously, the palm of his foot and mine were pressed ahhahaha

and then he reached out his arm which I embraced and placed my arm on his shoulder.. we stayed like that for hours talking and laughing.

Testing each other if we liked to cut off the touchy thing but it just got worse!

And then I said.. it’s so weird that this fuck and go culture is so normalized nowadays because everybody seems to be scared to commit. He said with his eyes locked on mine that not everybody is scared to commit.

And then we talked about kids.. that I was afraid to have one because of this culture and he said that there are still guys who would commit to their children and wife.

i don’t know if he was insinuating that he’s one of those guys. lol

and then he asked if I attend Sunday masses. I said I stopped due to my schedule but I regularly watch preachings on Youtube. He advised me that there are 6pm masses everyday and I should attend one according to my schedule. HAHA!

I also advised him that his sinus problem can be medicated so he should go get checked and he said that he will.

We were laughing about his attempt on pursuing a YouTube influencer bc I shared that it’s one of my unrequited ambitions hahahaha.

and discovered that he was ticklish so we proceeded tickling each other.. WTF!

and when it was time to go… he kissed me on the lips before he exited the gate.

I was like 😳😳

Fuck buddies don’t do that.

He came to me impulsively yet he made me feel fucking special.

Special in a way that I was pursued and was very polite and decent.. how a girl should be treated in this deformed society wherein males are also princesses.

I guess what haunts me the most is the fact that he and I jive.

He can intelligently converse and was very gentle.

I was shocked when I realized that we were cuddling instead of fucking…

There was so much chemistry in one meeting.

We cuddled like we were old lovers.

His head rested on mine with our foreheads pressed together while he hugged me tight and our legs were entangled.

And when I was hugging his arms.. I looked up to him and felt a rush inside me when I saw that we has already looking at me with gleaming eyes.

I mean?? How could that happen to strangers??

I only saw it on movies 🤣

Our age differences made it more sexy to me. He is a successful business owner and intelligent. I was also amazed that I pulled a guy like that. 🤣

It made me realize that I have been chasing the wrong kind of guys all this time. 🤣

I know that we’ll never meet again ahhahaha

we are too busy and scared to commit

but if he initiates again.. why not? lol

I am in love with a guy I cannot have.

The once young dreamer like me had a wide array of imagination of the horrors that I might experience once I turn into a young adult, credits to the various genre of novels that my world was spun into while growing up.

The romantic ones like "Tuck Everlasting" or a "A Summer in the Country" taught me that the most painful thing is losing the ones you love, or not being loved back, or being left behind.

My past boyfriends taught me the same thing and I aways thought that a break-up is the most devastating gift a relationship would give me but here I am, several years later... surprise my younger self!

We are entangled in a relationship that is forbidden. Not because the guy is married, yet, or he is INC > u < but because we already know that he will never choose us and yet we stay.

It is forbidden because we allow ourselves to settle for less. And yes, it is forbidden because he already has a partner, 'the love of my life', 'my home', as he calls her.

Nobody has ever said that about me and meant it.

Sometimes I pity myself but then I remember the things that made me fall in love with him.

He has something. His eyes lit up whenever he gets curious about the songs I listen to. I feel warmth in my heart whenever he gets sentimental to the lyrics of the songs I recommended him. He shows interest to my stories and to my life. And he actually shows up at the least moment you expect him to... even when things are difficult. He holds my hand while walking and when I look over his back, all I can see is a man I adore.

He is a guy who actually sees right through me not because he has superpowers but because he actually cares to understand. His kindness radiates and his courage to be vulnerable to me, to take accountability of people he is not even obliged to, or to be selfless in love even not to me makes me admire him. And when he burrows his head on my chest while we cuddle, I feel like a mother dog who wants to protect her puppy whatever the circumstance is.

His looks or how heavenly how he always smell are just bonus for me. Love is about the art of reciprocating and initiating and by far, I can tell that he is the best for me.

In the future, this journal entry would just be a memory that I will come back to whenever I feel nostalgic but I know already that our affair is just fleeting... we just can't let go of each other yet.

I never got to understand the saying that if you love someone, you will let them go. I still don't understand the entirety of it but it applies to my situation.

I don't need a reason because I know that what we have is wrong. Both of us.

They lied. All of the storybooks that I read while growing up.

The most painful thing is to accept the fact that you cannot have a person even though you love each other or you're compatible for one another just because it is deemed late by the other party involved.

(He is too afraid of the consequences) (The consequences will make a pretty major turn-around in his life, but why do you cheat???) (He is comfortable keeping you as a side-chick because you allow him! DUH.) (YOU ARE TOO PRECIOUS, GIRL.)

Actually, the most painful thing is the sole fact that you cannot do anything but to accept. ACCEPTANCE is a beautiful thing but in this case, acceptance is torture.

I tried to sound poetic but pain is a mystery, a complicated punishment that is difficult to endure.

I wish he could be brave enough to set things right though. But I think he doesn't love me enough for that. Or I am not up to that level yet. 8 yrs vs. 5 mos. And yet I think he is the love of my life.

In the future, remind me D to avoid affairs, situationships, or any kind of romantic relationships, PUHLEASE!

Remember what happened with BRENT! I don't even wanna go on that one. Two weeks and we're over him yet you cried like you were widowed! YOU'RE WEAK!

Don't say that. I am more capable than we think. God is able. God enables.

I am going to promise myself one thing. When we finally decide to let go... please don't cry. Save that dignity for yourself. Promise me that instead of crying, you will dance through the sorrow and will bless the rain down in Africa.

Listen to 'Africa' by TOTO and you will dance to it like the girl you are.

STRONG, COURAGEOUS, WITH A HEART FULL OF LOVE AND KINDNESS. Don't you ever forget that you are one of the daughters of God. You will ask for forgiveness and accept defeat.

Surreal and unreal. That is how I would sum up my Korea experience. In a good way anyway.

I took the risky chance to travel with my mother’s young co-teachers and I unexpectedly am having more fun and excitement that I expected five days ago.

Seoul makes my heart full with joyous excitement but I cannot help feel an aching pain in my chest brought by anxiousness and the feeling of knowing that letting go of something that is harmful for you is what’s right but you’re aware that it’s going to be a painstaking process.

Letting go is not what’s heavy but the emptiness—- the detoxification after everything is done is weighing me down.

During my stay in Seoul with the stimulating and meaningful company of Ma’am Josie, Ma’am Danie, Sir Bhon, and sir Cj made me realize that Franz and I would never end up with each other.

Our difference in principles, character, and pride is keeping a large gap between us.

I think that gap will never be fixed.

I just want a warm hug right now from myself. I don’t want anyone but myself.

Dealing with love is getting harder and harder nowadays.