A Different Kind of Love, Altogether
The generation I happen to grow up in is full of characters living stories they did not write for themselves; eyes half closed, feet wandering through alley to alley.
I met Christian last year, around September, when I was in another state of stupidity.
I happen to know that when we first met, he wanted an illicit affair but since I was heartbroken and in need of a friend, I set up boundaries and as the guy he is, he respectfully obliged to be my friend.
We grew closer throughout the months by exploring roads and mountains together, sharing stories both the happy and sob ones.
I felt really happy with him.
We grew really close up to the point that we eventually gave in to our feelings but with a boundary that we are do not want to commit and yet we expressedly excluded ourselves to only date each other.
I was and still am ok with our set-up.
We are affectionate to each other and yet we also treat each other as a good friend whom we can tell one another anything.
I will never forget that night we went to the Sand Dunes to wait for dawn. On the sandy hills, we sat under a nipa shed and drank beer. We listened to music while telling each other about the wonders our little hearts desire.
I did not know how it happen but we found ourselves dancing under the stars, listening to the music coming from his mobile phone... a YouTube playlist.
We were facing each other while standing and my arms were wrapped around his neck. He was holding me by my waist and we were just smiling and talking like that while unconsciously swaying to the music.
When we grew conscious that we were dancing, we laughed and embraced. He told me that it was a long time ago since he last held a woman like that.
I did not tell him but in my heart, it was a long a long time ago, too, since I felt a kind of love like that.
It was not pure but we were comfortable with each other without even trying. The bond felt right and warm.
We spent so much time together that our emotions grew intense. And you know? Intensity means passion.
We found ourselves getting jealous... Him of Ley, and I of his past lover and a close girl-friend.
We found ourselves angry at each other. But it made us more familiar with each other's hearts and minds.
He said that him and I had a connection, which makes our relationship special.
But as I said, this generation are full of people who are half-asleep.
I once told him that I have fallen in love with him--- we tell each other 'I love you's' but never really conquered our fears to tell how we really feel.
He said that he loves and cares for me but he has no intention to commit. I was heartbroken and felt that I needed to protect myself by abandoning the relationship.
We somehow grew apart but then he demanded that I should be accountable and at least face him if I plan to end things.
We did not end things but we negotiated about our terms... to at least acknowledge and reciprocate the feelings even though there is no commitment.
I was baffled by the idea of him.
A guy in his 30's who does not have the plan to marry nor have children. I sought answers from my male friends and said that he is a red flag and I should run away.
I did see him as a red flag but then as we grew more intimate this time, I have come to see the reasons why he has this perspective in life.
I think he just doesn't want to go through what he experienced as a child, again, or he doesn't want to create a family who might experience the same as he did.
Under the moonlight and breaths reeking of smoke, he told me in detail what he went through as a child who lived in poverty.
He said that he started working in the fields as young as eight and that he used to accompany his mother and siblings to sell kakanin and home-grown vegetables as early as 5 am so that they can have money to go to school at 7 am.
He said that they would go for days without electricity because his mother does not have the money to pay the bill.
They were discriminated because his father was in jail and was refused by society to employ when he got out.
So, he experienced even rummaging through rivers for hours just to get fish or clams for viand because he was tired of eating vegetables.
I was optimistic but my heart was aching while listening to him.
Maybe, he suffered too much as a child that he ended up thinking that creating a family means a burden that his future members might carry.
Every time I invite him to eat at my apartment or when I hand him a pocket of sandwich and goodies for breakfast before we leave the apartment, I usually notice a sparkle in his eyes, which makes me happy because he was happy.
He is a good guy. That, I can say.
And I am glad that I have gotten to know him better since it has made me realize the questions that I have taken the advantage to oversee.
Clearly, there are things that I did not experience as him. But I am proud that he has become a successful man because at least now, he get to enjoy the life that he did not have as a child.
It explains the spontaneous trips. The stuffed toys he buy and keeps in his car. The food he wants to try.
The love I have for him is not that romantic kind altogether but a love that transcends that affair. It almost feel that I want to protect him every time we embrace to sleep.
Maybe in the future, his plans will change but I will not wait for that to come since I am content with what we have now.
And if we will end up committing to other persons... I think he will have a special place in my life.