Talking to Myself

It’s been a month since I lost my job at MMSU.

That witch decided I wasn’t fit anymore to teach because a whistle blower from one section of college students told her that I don’t teach often.

FYI, we have three schedules a week and I meet them twice, leaving the one for self-study and school work. These students even praised me before because they liked the set-up.

And then they received lower grades than they expected and that was the end of it.

I abhor her even today. If truly that was her basis and not some prejudicial notion, she should have consulted every section that I taught.

Well, she impeached many instructors last month and I am glad that it was just non-renewal of contract and not getting fired.

Anyhow, we went to Thailand just 3 weeks ago and ever since, I am just at home or at Paoay, lounging and looking for jobs every now and then.

I am in the season of waiting, I believe.

I pray to God often to teach me patience and give me guidance and I think of that every time my plans don’t go the direction I want them to be.

Several things happened during those three weeks.

My lolo was finally buried. I met a guy who just ghosted me 2 days ago. I finished reading Little Women. My dogs are enjoying the atmosphere of home. And I got lots of waiting—- for a job, for law school to arrive.

My parents and some relatives ignored those clasp-hold traditions during the wake of my lolo and I was laughing to myself for realizing why.

Old people here strongly believe that it is forbidden to sweep the floor during a wake and my parents, who have OCD!, could never. AHAH

I was just laughing to myself when I was finally at home and I was sitting beside the wake when at 3 am, my father, who just woke up, started commanding me in a very quiet manner to help him clean.

All the old women who were with us at the house were finally asleep and I was the only one awake and he takes the opportunity every 3 am to clean the floors as quiet as he can.

We swept the floors and tapped the carpets like mice and he mopped the sticky tiles.

We also did not follow color codes wherein they said that we should only wear dark clothings to symbolize our mourning.

I have many bright colored clothings and the weather is very hot, it is difficult to wear dark colored clothings.

During the last night of lolo, I met PN at FB dating app and it was a sweet treat talking with him.

He was so attentive and he WAS really interested. I would be busy for hours the next day and will open my phone to several messages from him.

We met two days after chatting and he helped me clean my apartment. It was his idea of breaking the ice between us and it worked because it seemed like we knew each other for years.

He revealed that he came from a rich family and is now managing their multi-branch variety of businesses (gas stationS, 7-11’s, and what not). I was not really impressed bc I have met many richie rich people like him throughout my years and found that almost all of them were rotten inside.

But this one was a little different since he was really sincere, kind, family-oriented, and really caring— especially to his dad who is bed-ridden for 10 yrs, his little sisters, and big brother.

He acted like he was the father of the household and I admired him for that. He held the biggest responsibility and yet he was selfless and genuine.

It was really going well. We hanged out for days, and he would come and wait for me after job interviews.

He even suggested that I should stop looking for jobs and let him handle all the finances. He said I should focus on my law school.

It was absurd! Considering that we met only for 3 days when he said that. 😂😂

He told to calculate every “bill” and allow him to handle them. He even offered me free gas!

And if I had not the integrity and dignity to keep, I may have grabbed them all but then I am independent and I have dignified to live simply as I can with my own money.

I told him it was crazy considering that we just met and I still have my parents to support me if I will not find a job soon.

He was talking about marriage already when we were hanging out and his sincere air really made me believe that I was already in the right hands.

He told me that we should only get married when I finish law school and that he could wait for me.

And then I went home to Marcos and after a week, his daddy went into a critical condition which required a surgery and I was really supportive to PN through chat.

He talked to me until he didn’t. That was two days ago.

Rosa and Paul advised me to give him time and check in from time to time but then I was the one who chatted and until now, he had not replied yet.

I understand the situation. He has many problems and we are not that close or open yet to each other’s vulnerabilities.

I believe that a relationship is not yet in God’s plans for me.

I still think of Kittee sometimes.

When we were finally in the flight going back to the Philippines, my chest was so heavy because I missed him so and I knew that he was not thinking of me the way I was thinking of him.

There was strong turbulence during that flight because of heavy rains but I was just sipping my noodle soup with dreariness while listening to “Konsensya” by IV of Spades.

I keep on imagining what would have happened if we met that night… to hang out, kiss, or have a night of romance together.

But then the face of the woman who video called him during the trip keeps on appearing on my mind.

I was not jealous. I just wished I could have known him longer and better. That way, I could have buried my bashfulness and crush on him if I found out he isn’t really my type.

But then all I can remember is how sweet he was! His laugh and that small touch his fingers felt on mine.

Oh!! To realize how the small things really do matter!

Those small things are sweeter than the times any boy hanged out with me smoking or kissing.

Hayst. Kittee.

What about job?

I haven’t stopped looking, FYI.

I am hopeful about the text I received today but I try to not keep my hopes high.

Why is it so difficult to look for a job?

I have no idea if God is keeping this from me because I should wait, or he is telling me that I should focus on law school, or if this is a way of punishing me for slacking of when I was teaching.

Anyhow, I’ll update u.

By the way, I have not stopped dreaming.

-AttyBy2030

-Jessica

This was our last day in Pattaya.

I wanted us to eat breakfast at the beach but I couldn’t pull them out of their beds very early in the morning so I just went with the flow of the events.

I woke up at 5:30 am that morning because I slept at 7:30pm that night. I realized that I wasn’t able to enjoy the night life of Pattaya but then I can always return. HAHA

I finished showering at 6:30 and then saw ate H already packing her things when I went out of the shower.

They showered also and so I just took my time to pack my things.

We left our luggages at the hotel reception and checked out because we were going to spend our last day in Pattaya and will return to the Suvarnabhumi district later that afternoon.

I was hoping that Kittee will show up again and I expressed repeatedly how I missed him. hahahha.

But to no avail, we booked the nearest 7/11 for our breakfast and the driver took us near Monaco hotel wherein there were two 7/11 shops propped up near it.

She left us no choice because what we had in mind was a different shop but we just got out anyway.

We bought our coffees and breakfasts and the 7/11s in Thailand was different. It had no tables and chairs and so we wandered a bit in the streets of the beautiful hotels that looked like they came right off from the rich cities of Mexico or other European countries.

There were no seats and so we decided to go back to the 7/11 wherein there was a parking space in front of it. We just sat behind the cars, at the steps going to the shop.

It was a very pleasant experience. Slow mornings.. it was just us, our coffee, our microwaved food, fruits in containers, in a foreign city with people around us speaking a different language. And no one was minding another’s business. The people there were very friendly.

We just sat there, eating our food while watching the scenes in front of us when a tricycle with a fruit stall parked near us.

I was so excited because I really did wanted to try their exotic fruits. I went and then saw that they are selling peaches and plums like apples.

The lady vendor was very friendly and started talking with me. She saw that I was very excited about the peaches and so she asked, ‘You’re from Philippines, there are no peaches there?’.

I said, ‘There are but very expensive!’.

‘There were Indians who wanted to buy also but they said that I was selling expensive! I said to them that there are other countries who sell these for 300 per kilo. I told them to buy in those countries!’ hahaha we were laughing like we were old friends.

She told me that the softer the peach is, the sweeter it is. She helped me pick two peaches and two plums and paid 150 baht for it.

I so loved the experience of eating foreign fruits in a foreign country in the sidewalk like I was just eating mango in the Ph.

I offered ate H the other peach and she devoured the whole thing. V only ate a bite and I was so indulged in the fruit because it had that very peach-y scent and it wasn’t that sweet but I liked it anyway.

The lady vendor saw me peeling the fruit and so she came to offer me her fruit knife which I thanked her for.

We tried the plum too but I did not like it very much. It tasted like sarguelas but more juicy and watery. I returned the fruit knife and traded the other plum to a not so ripe peach so that I can take it home to my mum, because I wanter her to try new things too. We ate it yesterday and she liked the taste also.

The lady vendor agreed and came to where we were sitiing to warn us about scammers.

‘I saw you three ladies only and so I came to tell you that don’t go with chinese men or strange men if they invite you because they will make u smell something and u fall asleep and will wake to a different country.’ She was trying so hard to explain to us about sex traffickers and scammers and we were grateful to her about warning us because she said that it was an issue at their country.

There are many victims, she said. She also praised me for the good english.

After that, we went to the Under the Sea, which was an aqua park and paid 450 baht. It was beautiful but greatly disappointed because the 450 baht was not worth it.

There were only two underground tunnels and very few sceneries. I was so guilty tho for paying to see encaged animals. We were very sad to see a soft-shelled turtle who was trying to escape a very small box where it was confined.

The animals there looked sad and it was a pang in my heart that I paid money to see them.

It is because of tourists like us that the capitalists are encaging these poor animals.

The tour only lasted for an hour and we waited outside the park longer than our visit.

After that, we went to the Night bazaar to buy cheap pasalubong. It was the place that offered the cheapest things so far but what they sold were limited in variety.

We were there for two hours and then it was time for lunch. We were in the middle of Pattaya city and the prices of the restaurants there were high rocket and so we wandered around until we saw a small alley with small shops inside. We ate there and paid for food for as low as 70 baht.

I saw that the shops were very near the beach and so I suggested that we go there to spend the rest of the afternoon.

And it did not disappoint. That beach was one of the best sceneries that I have laid eyes upon in Thailand.

It was where the urban life and the beach met. The other side was literally the busy city and on the other side, the beach, bustling with many tourists, water activities, yachts propped in the horizon of water, and rows and rows of sun umbrellas and beach chairs.

We rented beach chairs for 50 baht and there were many street vendors on foot who would come to offer their products.

We bought coconut drinks straight from the nut and different fruits to share.

I think there were at least 20 different vendors who came to offer us food or services.

We wanted to relax and ignore the noise but imagine the struggle of clutching your bags with your passports in it and fighting the urge to doze off because there were vendors who tried to sell to us at least every 5 minutes and we were trying to keep our things safe.

We spent the remaining afternoon there. Ate H doze off and I was just too overwhelmed to close my eyes because I knew it will be years again before I can return there.

I kept on telling myself that that is how a foreign beach looked like. Full of people who were just trying to relax like us. Americans and europeans were lying on their backs on the very hot sand while asians like us hid under umbrellas.

Everyone was enjoying a coconut and a platter of fresh fruit and that was the life I wanted to keep.

At 4:30pm, we returned to the hotel to take our luggages and booked a grab to go to the bus terminal which Kittee told us to take instead of the Train.

Yes, my dear Kittee.

I wanted to see him one last time but our fate did not agree. It was a different grab driver who also flirted with us but he looked so young that I was not interested. He spoke good english tho but he was trying to scam us by saying that instead of paying 250 baht for bus ticket, we could just book him to take us to the Suvarnabhumi district instead for 1000 baht.

250 each and 100 toll. I knew he was a scam because the toll in the city only costed us 60 baht the other days and google said that bus fare is only 150 baht.

At the bus station, the bus fare was only 130 baht and so we won even tho we needed to wait for an extra 3 hours because the bus only left at 9:30pm.

We ate dinner there, pork and chicken skewers and kanin malagkit as their rice. We were struggling to finish the rice malagkit because it was so many and we couldn’t keep it down! hahahahah

My heart ached as we left Pattaya for good.

I was yearning for Kittee to show up. I really liked him and until today, I’ve been home for 3 days and I still miss him.

Hayysstt.

We reached the hotel in Suvarnabhumi using a taxi drove by a scammer also who charged us 400 baht after promising that he would only charge us 300 if we agree.

It was already late at night and we changed rooms for like two times because the AC of the other rooms did now work. It was an old hotel and the upper rooms were rented as apartments but we liked it anyway and slept soundly.

We spent our spare changes in the store of the hotel for food that we would take home.

We slept soundly after watching strange Thailand shows in the TV over hot cups of coffee and pastries.

It’s not just about Kittee this time but yeah, mainly Kittee 🤣

But you know? I did not feel like this when I went to South Korea.

This time, I miss the warmth of the night.. the easiness I felt traveling the strange streets and meeting new people.

There was peace inside me knowing that there are places waiting for me to be explored. Underrated gems that were not in our itinerary but we spent the whole afternoons there, basking in the sun, seeing people go and talk, eating fresh fruits, and no one knowing who you are.

I loved it.

I miss Thailand not because of the food there or the sceneries but because Kittee is there and the longer that I am back in the PH, the more that he may be forgetting about me.

I miss Kittee.

I think my attraction to him is greater than his. But that doesn’t change anything. It is one of those crushes wherein I want to see the person all the time. Like that time I had a terrible crush on E. HAHA

I miss Kittee so much that I have been searching him up in every social media but to no avail. I even tried translating his name in Thai characters and looked it up on fb or insta but I think he doesn’t use socials or he uses another name.

On our fifth day, I dresses up all cute, wearing that white dress that looked like petals sewn into one clothing. And I was happy that I wore it even though I knew it would be very hot that day because guess who picked us up at the hotel that morning?

Yes. It was Kittee! And maybe God knew that we needed him that morning and that he is the only driver that we can converse to smoothly and that he is nice to us.

I booked a grab that morning and I wasn’t able to notice that he was the one who accepted us. At the front of the hotel, we were surprised to see the same white Chevrolet Trailblazer waiting for us.

Cars in Thailand are like those in the Europe. The steering wheel is at the right side and the cars drive on the left lane, which was very confusing to me hahahah.

I was the one who got out of the hotel and Kittee rolled the window when he saw me, ‘You remember me?’, he said.

OF COURSE, I REMEMBER U! LIKE DUH, I HAVE A CRUSH ON U!!!!!!

char

I said, smiling, ‘Yes, we remember u!’, and proceeded to go into the car.

I entered the car on the left side and Kittee thought I was going to sit on the passenger side. He was watching me board the car all along and looked disappointed when he saw me sat at the back. HAHA.

I should’ve sat on the passenger side!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHH

Kittee knew how to speak english but a little on the Thai awkward way and he couldn’t understand if you speak too fast.

He asked us, ‘How is you stay so far?’, we awkwardly said it’s beautiful!

‘Where are you going today?’, Kittee asked again.

‘To see the elephants..’

And then I asked him, ‘Do you live around here?’, I saw him looked at my reflection on the rearview mirror and smiled.

‘Me?’ he asked, ‘Yes, do u live around here?’, I repeated.

‘Yes, I live around the area. How long are you going to stay?’ He asked me while looking at me in the rearview mirror.

‘Oh, we’re going home tomorrow.’ I said disappointed.

I was hoping he would invite me for a drink that night. I knew it was bad but I was already imagining sitting on his lap, riding him, while I was clinging unto his tattooed arms. HAHA.

Maybe it was the hormones as I was on my period. Or maybe, he was that attractive to me.

The other two were listening to us talking and honestly, I did not give a shit because I knew I would never see this beautiful creature in front of me ever again.

He turned on the music and played Olivia Dean songs! Different from what he was listening on the day when we met him! He was listening to bar instrumental music.

V and ate H said that he was already ‘ar-armen na ka siguron maemsh’, bc V said that he knew maybe that I was the type to listen to that music.

Kittee said, ‘Did u go to Nong Nooch already? It’s beautiful.’

We said, not yet.

‘Have you gone there?’ I asked, and he answered, ‘ I went there 17 yrs ago.’.

And we were astonished.

‘How old are you?’ I asked, smiling.

He was also smiling and said, ‘43 yrs old’ !!!

We were like, WHAT?????

‘Why do u look so young?’ I asked and he was laughing.

‘Really? How old r u?’ He asked me. I said U guess, how old are we?

He said that I was 27, V and ate H are 25.

I did not argue aghahahaha. I wanted him to be mine that night.

‘Do elephants live in the mountains wildly or are they domesticated?’ I asked him

He said ‘Ahh…’ and smiled.

I repeated the question because I knew he did not understand.

He said, ‘what?’ and then I was laughing, and then he answered, elephants live in the mountains. hahahahah

I was just smiling at him and he saw me smiling at the rearview mirror and we locked eyes and he started laughing, while looking at me in the mirror!

ACKKKKKKK!!!!

HIS LAUGH! It was so refreshing! I wanted to kiss him.

Did I mention that when he picked us up at the train station the other day that he smelled soooooooooooo manly and good that I was very conscious of myself and my armpits that was sweating and was poised in front of him as I was holding the back door and he was stowing away our luggages. We did not shower bc we woke up so early!!

That is why when I saw that he was the one picking us up again at the hotel, I was happy because I could redeem myself. HAHA

I was thanking the Lord because the ride to the elephant sanctuary was 30 mins long.

And then we was asking us if we wanted to see tigers, bc there is also a tiger zoo. But we said that we are already tigers hahahaha.

And then!!!! his phone rang! and damn. He has a wife. GAHAHAHAH. He answered the call and I saw a woman on the screen, washing the dishes. They spoke for a brief moment and then hang up.

I calculated the math and he was 26 yrs old when he last visited Nong Nooch and assumed that it was probably a date with his gf and now his wife.

I was not jealous. It would be a real problem if he is that beautiful and not have a wife. gahahah. At least we know that he is a family man and that he is not shy to answer phone calls of his wife in front of people.

And then we were at the elephant sanctuary. We said a lot of thank u’s and goodbyes. And Kittee and I locked eyes, hesitant to say goodbye.

We said goodbye. He said, ‘Enjoy your trip!’.

And then, 5 mins in the elephant sanctuary, the lady said that we were at the wrong place as we booked a place in the city, not in the sanctuary. HAHAHAHHAHA.

Thank God, Kittee was still there! We went and explained the dilemma to him and he said that ‘Ok, I’ll just cancel my booking.’

He asked the area and he laughed when I pointed out that it was just VERY NEAR the Nong Nooch garden!

He laughed! hahahahaha

It was all our fault, the three of us. The tickets were different than the one in our itinerary. That is why I was wondering why the place looked so different because I remembered looking at beautiful villas at the internet when we booked the tickets.

I showed Kittee my phone and HE INTENTIONALLY HELD MY HAND.

ACCKKKK!

Small touch but I felt the SPARKS BRO.

He intentionally touched my fingers as I was showing him the map.

I LOVE U.

HAHAHAHAH

On our way to the REAL place, which was 20 mins away. I napped a little and then I woke up and saw him looking at me in the rearview mirror. He looked outside and I looked outside and I SAW A BEAUTIFUL LAKE WITH MANY WATERLILIES.

I bet he wanted to show us but we were all napping.

And then a little longer, I woke up again. and he said..

‘Ahh.. an accident.’

I looked outside and saw a woman who got into a motorcycle accident.

‘An accident.’ I echoed. and he said Yes.

I wish I could see him or talk to him again. I bet he knew how I liked him.

and then we reached the place. He said, enjoy your day.

I said, thank you! and Sorry!

He said, no need to say sorry!

and charged us only an additional 100 baht.

God knew he was that nice and he arranged all of us to meet that morning bc of that little incident.

All day that day, I was saying how I miss Kittee the whole afternoon and V was saying to guard my heart because he is already married.

and 43!

But I said 43 is fine with me! 30 plus or 40 plus, but not 50+ HAHAHAHAH.

The place was Thai Thani wherein we made food for the elephant named Kumi, and then fed him with our hands.

We met Andrew there, who was very happy to know that we were Filipinos because he said that he has a GF who is also a Filipino, which explained why Andrew spoke english fluently.

He toured us in the exotic looking gardens and it was beautiful!

We went to our food-making area and three beautiful Thai gay men assisted us while making the food.

We had each a big mortal and pestle and we mixed the food with our pestle. The food contained: Rice in their kernels, banana, tamarind paste, cooked rice, coconut sugar, and carrots. There were also separate green bananas and watermelons.

We smashed the food and then instructed us to make balls. I thought that because the elephant is big, the food ball should also be big but I as I was making a big food ball, the gay assistant was laughing because he signed in nonverbal comm (they could not speak english) that it was too big and I should make them smaller or else Kumi might choke.

We then proceeded to feed Kumi, who is an old elephant and I was concerned that he was on a chain but Andrew explained that he is only in a chain at times bc he is old and sometimes, he would go and wreck things. and I understood Kumi because he is basically being kept a prisoner there ALONE. he has no companions and he doesn’t belong to a herd. It was sad.

Kumi is a gentle giant. It was true that elephants are gentle giants. He took every piece in his long trunk and shove the food gently at his mouth.

He also took the corn weeds we handed him and used it to swat flies at his feet before eating it.

We had a very pleasant afternoon there. We had free drinks at the cafe and decided to eat lunch there na rin.

The place was very ‘Thailand-y’, the kind u see in magazines in the year 2012 or 2000’s.

After that, we went to the floating market wherein we saw the famous floating stall shops.

We did not book a ferry ride anymore since it costed 800 baht and come on, that is expensive.

The place is also very asian. The kind that they portrayed on the Avatar, the last air bender. I liked it. but the prices were expensive. I just tried a traditional kakanin food from one of the stalls made out of corn flour, and the other coconuts.

After that, we went to the Big C shopping center because we were disappointed with the prices at the floating market.

At the Big C, the prices were lot cheaper but it was more of a grocery shopping center, like Puregold, and not a very good place to shop for pasalubong that speaks Thailand.

I just took traditional Thailand candies and we went to eat dinner at the food court. I ate korean marinated beef and miso seaweed soup and honestly, it was comforting to eat something that wasn’t spicy.

I still wanted to go to many places or enjoy the night life at the Pattaya beach but we went to the hotel early that evening because Ate H said that she is dizzy again. She has this habit of not being able to control her vomit. She vomited on the bag of goodies she bought and the day before that, we were just eating dinner at the beach and our of nowhere, she just vomited in front of us.

V and I stopped eating.

At the hotel, I really wanted to go to the Pattaya Beach and mingle with people but maybe God knew that I was looking for trouble that night that he sent me to sleep at 7:30 pm and woke up at 5:30 am, unbrushed, undressed, make up on my face.

V said that she woke me on the time I asked her to wake me but she said that they were laughing because I got up and looked around and then immediately went back to bed.

I had no memory of what happened during those times. hahahahahha

Maybe God knew that if a foreigner or if Kittee showed up that night and invited me for a good time, I would have obliged. So God sent me to a deep sleep.

hahahahahh

There are different types of people who are the worst kind to travel with, ate Jo warned me, two years ago when we were still working at ADP.

There are those who are ‘maarte’, who do not eat cheap street food. Cheap street food or food from local dining stalls are filling and inexpensive and they are perfect for travelers who are trying to save every penny if necessary. Food from these stalls are even better than those served at restaurants since they are cooked by locals who actually know the local recipe. It is good for the food crawl experience!

LOVED the food crawl experience at Thailand! I tasted food and ingredients that are not normally sold in the PH just like the real tom yum, real Ma La Tang, the realized the changing effect of the coriander to the taste buds after eating spicy food, ate fresh peaches and plums on the sidewalk! and more!

Anyway, they are also those who are not thrifty, who tends to use taxi ALL the time because they refuse to walk an extra kilometer! Those who complain all the time!

But on Tuesday, I found out one of the worst kinds of traveler to travel with.

We woke up at 4 am June 16, 2026, because Google saud that the train leaving for Pattaya is at 6 am, and we know that it takes an average of two hours for us to get ready and leave the apartment.

We left Bangkok and I don’t know, it was bittersweet for me. I felt like I was getting bored of Bangkok or that we weren’t able to explore much of its wonders or to just indulge in the mundane life of the Bangkok local people.

We were at the train station bound for Pattaya at 5:30 am and then we found out that the train will not leave until 7am. The train station was so clean and massive. It had those roundabout seats like those in books that centered in Europe or movies. They had in display two steam engined trains which were fascinating because it was the type that was used in the Harry Potter movies.

Anyway, ate H had a foul mood ever since we left the apartment. I knew it was going to be a bad day but I did try to keep it at bay, because we’re in fucking Thailand, for Jules sake! We were supposed to be exploring the city and leisuring.. not baby sitting 30 yrs olds who does not know to consider her company.

She was ignoring V and I and we thought that she was only tired but I knew then that she is being unreasonable again.

I first encountered her being like this last year; we were with the group and we were ordering Chowking for lunch but the line was busy and it took an hour before we could order.

She walked out without saying anything and then proceeded to ignore all of us, like we had the obligation to sooth or coax her.

We were in Thailand and she knew that we were all new to the country. If she didn’t wanted to wake up that early, then she could have just said so and we could have left her behind.

She was like that the whole train ride. She refused to take pictures with us and she kept on ignoring us without saying any word.

I was pissed !!! Pissed is a weak word. I wanted to shout at her and push her! I was angry.

The train ride was 4 hours long, so imagine the patch V and I had to go through?! We had to rummage and wonder what we did wrong or what was pissing her of. She is 30 fucking yrs old and she is so immature!

Despite all of this, I met the reason why I am feeling melancholic about leaving Thailand now.

We reached Pattaya and booked a grab taxi to go to the hotel. A Chevrolet trailblazer waited for us at the front of the station and came out a handsome tall man. I thought he was in his mid-30’s and that made me get attracted to him more.

He was tall, 5’11’sh; fair-skinned, with full sleeved tattoos on both of his arms; a small patch of mustache on his handsome face; two earrings on his right ear: he was wearing a polo buttoned shirt and a black shorts, with black shoes.

There was something on the way he smiled. hehe. He greeted us good morning and proceeded to help us stow away our luggages. I opened the back door of the car and he helped me pack the luggages, he motioned me to hold the car door up while he put away the bags.

I said, ‘huh?’, and with a challenged face, he tried to explain what he meant in actions again. Of course I understood hahahah, I just wanted to talk to him more. HAHA

He conversed with us on the way to the hotel and then V and I started talking about Ghibli movies and I unconsciously got excited. I was giggling and dismayed that V has not yet watched Howl and Spirited Away.

I could see Kittee, YES GARL, KITTEE, watching me at the rearview mirror and everytime I looked at him, his eyes would look away.

I looked at the car door beside the driver’s seat and saw that he carries gum with him; cards— common with Thai drivers to just put their cards on the door, as observed; keys; and at the bottom part, a pack of cigarettes— which explains the gum.

He dropped us at the hotel and he said, have a good stay! and we smiled at each other before he said goodbye.

I did not knew that those feelings would bloom. gahahhaa. It was just a lil attraction to a random attractive man.

Anyways, we got inside the hotel and ate H was still in a very foul mood. I was trying to ignore my anger at her but it erupted when the reception needed the passport of the person who booked the hotel, and so I motioned to her because I was the one who was talking to the clerk.

SHE WENT ON AND TOSSED HER PASSPORT IN FRONT ME WITH POWER.

I WAS ANGRY AT THIS POINT and so I walked out in front of the clerk and went to V to complain.

V said she was getting emotional and wanted to cry because she has been sensing the same ever since the morning and saw how aggravated I was when H tossed her passport in front of me.

I proposed that V and I would go look for food around the hotel to leave H for a while and V, being a good friend as she is, went to ask H what food would she like.

H ignored her and so V came to me with red eyes, and when we were outside the hotel, she bursted out into tears and heavy weeping.

She said that she was also like this when they went to Ilo-ilo and that if I wasn’t in the group, she would have not agreed to the Thailand trip with H because H makes the trip unbearable!!

She is so toxic! She wants us to coax her and treat her like a baby! when in fact, she is the 30 yr old here!

I was more angry at her when 15 mins later, she sent V a ‘sorry’ message and checked that she did not sent me one.

Until I realized that she told V sorry because she wanted V to buy her some tampons and food.

I WAS MORE PISSED! She was taking advantage of V’s inability to say no!

I hated her and so V was listening to my complaining and rumbling at the side of the road while we were contemplating what food to buy.

V was crying because she said what I was saying made sense. We did not want to go back to the hotel and so we bought coconut juices and ate a nearby resto beside the beach.

I forgot to mention how beautiful my first sight of Pattaya is. The streets are like those seen in Japanese movies, it felt and seemed like it was filtered— dreamlike— the beach’s water was crystal sky blue and tourists roamed everywhere even under the scorching sun.

I was so angry that I sent H a long message saying that I could not tolerate her actions.

When we got back to the hotel, it wasn’t still time for the check-in and so V and I went to the pool side to talk and to get away from toxic H.

When we were finally in our room, I went to shower and after a while, I heard V and H talking, H was crying and V was saying that H should learn to voice out her issues so everyone can know.

V was right, V said earlier that H’s energy us transferring to all of us and so all of us were angry.

I did not buy H’s crying. She was still crying when I got out of the shower but I did not show any kind of remorse for the message I sent her.

V was trying to fix the problem but I told her that she should not be the one trying to fix the problem because she is not the one trying to act up.

And neither should I because I had no problem nor any issue at the first place. I was just standing up for myself and for V because H has no any right to treat us like that.

I announced that I don’t tolerate any kind of pambabastos especially when all I did was to understand and respect every person in the group.

It was already 3pm in the afternoon and I was beginning to worry that nothing will be done the whole day when in fact we had a whole itinerary planned out.

It was true, we ended up doing nothing the whole day.

H came to hug me while she was crying and gave me a rose from the bouquet that she bought yesterday.

She said she was sorry and that made me feel better because I was just really waiting for a sorry.

I told her that she should get some sleep now and that we would just go for a walk in the evening.

After everything, V and I were the ones who acted as more adult than her. V tried to fix the situation because she wanted the group to be harmonious. We were in a different country and this H bitch totally cannot understand that.

All of us fell asleep and it was already 6:30 in the evening when we awoke. We explored the night life beside the beach and the scene was like that of Boracay but much bigger, wider, livelier, and full of people speaking different languages.

There were rows and rows of massive seafood restos but found out that the food there costed us a two-day amount of meals. And so we explored more and found stalls in big tricyles that sold rice meals.

I ordered rice and stir fried squid and shrimp in basil leaves, for only 60 baht. Food serving in Thailand never disappoints. I counted and there were like 5 big shrimps in there and 8 slices of squid, plus a big batch of rice and sauce.

We also ordered their traditional breakfast flatbread but I could not eat any sweets so I got one with an egg on it and It was still good.

After all that, the night still ended right because the food seller lady from one of the food stalls we bought food from lended us a mat when we were eating and she must have saw that we were just sitting in the sand.

We watched the sky after we ate and went to 7/11 after to buy coffee and fruit.

At the hotel, we took our coffee and fruit and ate it at beside the pool.

June 15- This was our last day in Bangkok since we were going to Pattaya the following day.

To be honest, I was getting bored of the city scene but we had ‘Museums’, ‘parks’, and a booked ‘Cruise’ written in our itinerary for the day so I was still hyped up.

The good thing about traveling DIY is that you get to control your own time and enjoy every moment without worrying about time slots.

We wake up anytime we liked even though we told each other we would wake up very early in the morning to enjoy the last day in Bangkok.

However, we woke up at already 8 am in the morning and so it was already 10 am when we left the AirBnB.

But beforehand, we bought food to break our fasts in the streets this time and not at the 7/11 shop.

I bought a braised beef soup at a stall outside and it had assorted veggies and rice noodles in it. The soup was sweet so I decided to add the spicy vinegar and for thrill, I added more chili powder, which made the soup almost inedible since it was burning hot.

I managed to finish the entire bowl but at the end, I was almost crying. hahaha

I booked for our museum but failed to search it up on google that is why when we arrived there, I did not know that most museums are closed on Mondays because only a few visitors can come in.

Everyone was disappointed, most especially me since we paid 200 baht for the grab fare and the museum was one of the prestigious art galleries in the city, featuring contemporary art.

We waited outside the museum for almost an hour, figuring out where to go next since we’ve already been into the places we wanted to go to and there is nowhere left outstanding to see.

Luckily, Vida saw online that there is a large park nearby and so we went, even with our prospects unknown.

Fate had really planned out for us that day since the park turned out to be one of the most chill, green, and beautiful places I’ve been to here in Thailand. It was free, too!

The park contained waterways, lakes, biking lanes and bike rentals, memorials under trees 🤩, squirrels, LARGE crows!, pigeons, amphibians (Vida was screaming and I have a video hahaha), and guess what?? a cafe 😩😩 at the middle of the park, surrounded by trees and wood-like ✨ sceneries!

We had such a great time there that we spent the whole afternoon there until it was time to leave for the cruise.

We went to a pier named Iconsiam and found out that it was only behind the Iconsiam mall where we went to at the first day. The back of the mall was so modern that it felt like we were in Australia or the US.

We went inside the mall to have a quick change so we can wear dresses at the cruise. The weather was so hot and I was fighting the urge to refrain from drinking or eating cold and sweet food since I am on the verge of getting tonsillitis ever since the day we arrived. So, imagine the sweat and stickiness of the body. 😤

The cruise was one of the best experiences I had on this trip. We booked the right time for 5pm since the sunset, soft orange rays of sunlight, and the sticky breeze made the sceneries dreamlike.

The singers of the boat were filipinos also and they did not fail to make the nationality stand out for ‘dog showing’ the program. It was funny and lively!

The food was not good but the experience and the scenes were what I was aiming for, so the 1200 baht fare was still worth it. lol.

After that, we decided to treat ourselves to some flower bouquets and learned that the largest flower shop district is near us. We agreed to walk the less than one kilometer proximity but halfway through, we could not longer bear the heat and exhaustion and so we took a toktok ride for only 100 baht.

The flower market was massive, en housing different kinds of flowers for very low prices! A bouquet of flowers containing nearly 5 different kinds, with almost 3 pieces a kind only costed us 80 baht— that is only 160 pesos in the PH!

We were happily window shopping when ate Hazel felt nauseous and could no longer walk any further and so we bought our flowers and went home.

I was a bit disappointed since I wanted to enjoy the night life of Bangkok on our last BKK day but I could not stray away from the group as I was also afraid of being alone in a foreign country.

And so, we went home and then ordered something at the 7/11 shop and ate while we did our laundry. I called back home after showering to check how the wake was going.

All in all, the day was exciting and exhausting. More things could have been done but I couldn’t do anything on my own.

It was our first day in Bangkok, Thailand, and I was awoken by a call from my brother who was a thousand miles away at 6 in the morning.

The sky was still dark and the room was silent and cold, foreshadowing the harrowing news that was about to come.

My brother asked me if I had just awoken up and waited me to collect myself first before he delivered the news that our Lolo Mundo already passed away that same morning at 5 am in PHL time.

I couldn’t familiarized myself with the news yet but as I emerged from my sleepiness, I found myself crying at the heaviness of the news.

I remembered lolo who just asked me two days ago where was I going and requested a pack of biscuit which I obligedly gave.

I was crying because I keep on remembering how happy he was every time I visit home and sometimes, asks me if the news was true that I was the most intelligent student in our school, which was false of course, but I liked how it made him happy, with a hint of pride in his eyes.

Guilt also hunted me because our family never got to fulfill his requests about coming and joining our family trips. My brother and I always wanted him to feel included in our family trips but our parents are stubborn because lolo refuses to shower and would occasionally spit out of nowhere, and they were afraid that he would do it inside the car.

Vida and ate Hazel was awoken by my cries, which I couldn’t suppress inside. I cried for an hour while my brother listened and talked over the phone.

I was more guilty that I was on a trip abroad and not beside my lolo in his deathbed.

After two hours, I was able to regain my self and was surprised by how the scene outside our AirBnB windows were similar with the scenes of Manila.

In front of our building was the busy highway topped with flyovers wherein the smallest cars to the biggest trucks were rushing by.

The apartment trembled when big trucks passes by. I mistook it for an earthquake the first time I felt it and panicked, but Vida said that it was the trucks passing by.

Bu in the morning already and so we decided to take showers first before going to find food for breakfast.

After two hours of showering and dressing up, we went down the building and saw some stalls already selling food. The others were closed because it was a Sunday.

There was one selling fried chicken and the other one selling noodles in her food cart. The old lady who was selling gambling tickets bought one and I saw her took the bowl of noodles, topped with raw vegetables to her meager stall and ate it heartily.

I was slightly jealous but was concerned about the cleanliness of the food and so I went with the bandwagon and bought food at the most familiar place, the 7/11 shop. haha.

The other two bought something with rice and I bought rice noodles with meat in thick broth sauce. I mixed it with the spicy vinegar with pickled jalapenos in it and I loved it. I was going in for more thrill and decided to add the packet of chili powder and that made me cry while eating. HAHA.

We were appalled by the great usage of plastic and saw at the following days that it was already an established practice to use a plastic bag at anything, even a small cup of coffee is carried in a big plastic bag.

We went back to our apartment and ate the food in the lobby. It was nice and comfortable, the simplicity of the place made us happy.

After that, it was already 11 in the morning and we decided that we should already leave and start our tour.

We decided to visit the temple of Wat Arun and booked a grab taxi to go there. The streets that we passed were modern and beautiful, just like the streets and roads of Makati and BGC, wherein there are identical trees in the middle of the road.

The picture of the princess who just died 2 days before our arrival was everywhere and you can see how patriotic the country is, because pictures of the royal family were plastered in big, sossy, memorials everywhere you turn.

We went to the Wat Arun Temple and saw rows of stalls offering a service of dress-up, just like the ones in South Korea. We went inside a stall who offered a dress-up, make-up, and hair for only 200 baht.

I felt so ugly that day even under the disguise of the make-up and the pretty traditional dress.

Under the scorching sun, we toured the temple of Wat Arun, which had an entrance fee of 200 baht each, with a complimentary bottle of water. The temple was laced with glossy ceramic tiles which looked beautiful as they glimmered under the sun.

There was also temples of the monks which were covered in gold drippings, glossy ceramic flowers everywhere, and inside was a golden Buddha.

I was fascinated by how every corner, nook, and turns of the building was laced with colorful flowers and gold drippings.

The main temple was gigantic, had complicated geometric patterns, and embroidered in ceramic flowers, with rows and rows of statues holding the pillars of the building.

It was amazing. It made me think about the architects, the engineers, and the skills of the workers who built it hundreds of years ago. It was uncanny.

We decided not to tour other temples anymore since the city was crawling with temples and you can just easily admire one inside a taxi cab.

We decided to beat the heat which was already making us dizzy by locating food stalls and saw one which was selling authentic mango sticky rice just outside the temple. We sat inside the small shop and awed ourselves with the taste of the famous delicacy.

The sticky rice was boiled in coconut milk, the mango!!, which for me, is one of the highlights of this trip, was delicious!, and it was drizzled in sweetened condensed milk.

I was trying not to eat too much because I was in the verge of getting severe tonsillitis but I could not resist to take a few bites.

The mango was very familiar because it was the one which I hated back at home. When I was in high school, I was craving for mango to go with vinegar and this particular tree just at the back of our houses was fruiting big unfamiliar ones. I picked a green one and took it home. I hated the taste because it had a hint of taste similar to medicine.

But it tasted very good when ripe pala!!!!

It was very sweet and the medicine taste gave it a whole new personality! I told nanay about it and she knows the taste too and said people in the PH hated it for the medicine taste.

But I finally understood why people were loco about the mango sticky rice. It was nothing but pure delicious! A sweet, refreshing, treat.

I was so obsessed with the mango that when we saw a jolly vendor who sold fruits, already cut up, and dipped in sugar, salt, and chilli powder, I chose the semi ripe mango and ate it heartily.

It was so hot after we returned the clothes that we decided to go to the mall of Iconsiam, ignoring our itinerary.

We went and weren’t disappointed. It is one of the best malls I have ever been to, housing arts, installations, michelin star restaurants, ceiling fountains, park restaurants in the highest floor!, 8 floored Mall BTW!!, and shops of high end brands like Dior, Chanel, and Patek Philippe.

It was so big! that we finished exploring the mall 3 hours later. We found the cheapest place to eat and ordered pad kra pao at 150 baht, which is already expensive because we only spend a ceiling of 80-100 baht of food since our arrival.

At 6:30 in the early evening, we decided to visit Chatuchak night market. We saw only a quarter of it, bought gifts for people back home, bought food, and decided to go back at the apartment at already 10 in the evening.

The prices were very cheap and so shopping was very enticing.

We went to bed that night with sore feet, an aching heart, but content.

I sometimes wonder if backpackers who travel across Asia or Europe are people who have trust funds or maybe a continuous source of money to burn.

But then, I am in Thailand with my only source of money to spend coming from my earned meager 8-5 income.

People have choices and I choose to spend on this little adventure. Others choose to spend on shoes or expensive local trips but it’s good that there were people who have influenced me that everybody can either follow one path or another.

I will no longer have my teaching job at MMSU next month because ma’am Lino is prejudicing ME in particular, concluding that I cannot balance my job with my studies. I hate her.

But this Thailand trip has been planned since the last month of 2025 and I cannot waste good money that is already spent.

Our first day in Thailand was memorable not because the country is very distinctive in culture but because the moment we landed, I received a devastating news that Lolo Mundo is dying.

It was different with his last episodes wherein he would be on the verge of dying but after a moment of tender attention from my parents and other relatives, he would somehow revitalize. This has been going for weeks so I was still able to brush it off.

After spending a whole day in airports, we were finally able to book a grab taxi to our hotel, which we thought it was.

To our genuine surprise, our “hotel” was actually an AirBnB and it was located in the outskirts of the city. It was like the Tondo of Thailand.

The grab driver was even rude because he could not speak English and it was difficult to explain, so our first impression of Thai people was hostile.

He dropped us in the middle of the road where there is no sign of our booked accommodation anywhere. The street was like Tondo wherein it was filled with local diners and stalls that sell cheap food and the cement road is blackened by canal drippings. We were happy though, seeing that on the other side of the street is a busy 7/11 store. It was soothing to see something familiar.

Luckily, a good woman who was tidying up her food stall overheard us saying the number of our building, 1018 Regalohomes, and pointed that it was in the front of the compound.

Beside a shop that sells authentic Ma La Tang soup was a small white door, with the number 1018 plastered on it in silver, and a very small placard with the name ‘Regalohomes’.

We were shocked because we were expecting a hotel!

We entered the building through the small white door and in was a well-lit long hallway that reeks of the Ma La Tang soup being sold next door. My stomach growled because the smell was delicious. It was savory and you can smell the spices stewed in it.

We climbed flights of complicated stairs that reminded me of Harry Potter’s moving stairs at Hogwarts. We carried our luggages up to the fourth floor wherein the directions pointed us to be the ones booked at the Agoda App.

We were worried about our safety because the building looked like the ones that get easily robbed in the movies. lol. Or the ones that accommodates suspicious people with suspicious activities.

The landlady welcomed us and taught us how to lock the doors and ushered us into our room.

The whole floor was ours since there were no other guests in the building. The floor contained two rooms, a lobby with a table and chairs, two common toilets, two common bathrooms, two sinks, a mirror, and a washing machine.

Our room contained four two-person sized beds and it was so dim-lighted that we muttered words in our disbeliefs.

The landlady left us in horror because we did not expect the place to be like that at all. It looked good in the pictures and it was listed as a hotel.

But then we settled in and reminded ourselves that we were in a strict budget.

We were all famished and so we decided that we would just go down at the Ma La Tang shop to eat dinner since it was already 11 in the late evening.

The shop keepers could not speak English also and so we made our way by using google translate and nonverbal communication.

We ordered a big pot with our meat, noodles, and veggie selections and shared it amongst us.

The Ma La Tang soup was delicious as it smelled!! But it was so spicy that we needed to casually wipe our noses and foreheads of snot and sweat because of the heat.

The young shop keepers watched us with interest while we ate and I bet they were silently laughing at us for sweating that much due to the spice. hahaha.

We figured that it was a good shop tho, because there were many delivery drivers who keep on coming in to get online orders.

That was the end of our first night in Bangkok because after we ate, we showered and then laid in bed for a good night rest.

We came to love the AirBnB place because it was cheap; the setting was like that of our dorms in college; and it was ours alone.

FOCUS ON YOUR DREAM.

STOP COMPLAINING.

BE AN ATTORNEY.

EAT LAW SCHOOL.

PRAY TO GOD.

MEDITATE.

THINK THROUGH YOUR THOUGHTS.

FOCUS ON WHAT IS IMPORTANT.

STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES.

FIND A NEW JOB.

STUDY HARD.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

PROTECT YOUR PEACE.

LOVE THYSELF.

I have seen women grieve.

Some grieve for their sons, husbands; some grieve for a life that they could had.

Every woman is grieving for something that made their life one out of the ordinary. Despite all these sorrow, I happen to find myself fascinated by the feeling because I keep on chasing for the things that will give me something to grieve about.

I grieve about life in general.

I think God has given this gift so that I can find joy in the smallest of things.

I am easy to please but this easiness is being used against me.

I realized now that treating someone as if you are giving your best to them while they only give you the bare minimum is like serving a toddler with a bundle of cash which is spent in the most futile things.

I thought it was brave of me to date someone who did not want any commitment because that will mean that I will have less to grieve about.

It turns out that I have gaslighted myself so that I could consent to the idea reckless and careless loving.

The problem is with me.

I have contemplated and found that when I love, there are no boundaries and just like a bird in the sky, I feel so high that I tend to forget the facts.

I think if the world was full of people who loved just like I do, then we could have been all trusting.

Chrstn is a liar. A cheat. A user and gaslighter.

He managed to trap my emotions into this bubble that he controlled.

The generation I happen to grow up in is full of characters living stories they did not write for themselves; eyes half closed, feet wandering through alley to alley.

I met Christian last year, around September, when I was in another state of stupidity.

I happen to know that when we first met, he wanted an illicit affair but since I was heartbroken and in need of a friend, I set up boundaries and as the guy he is, he respectfully obliged to be my friend.

We grew closer throughout the months by exploring roads and mountains together, sharing stories both the happy and sob ones.

I felt really happy with him.

We grew really close up to the point that we eventually gave in to our feelings but with a boundary that we are do not want to commit and yet we expressedly excluded ourselves to only date each other.

Fucked up, right?

I was and still am ok with our set-up.

We are affectionate to each other and yet we also treat each other as a good friend whom we can tell one another anything.

I will never forget that night we went to the Sand Dunes to wait for dawn. On the sandy hills, we sat under a nipa shed and drank beer. We listened to music while telling each other about the wonders our little hearts desire.

I did not know how it happen but we found ourselves dancing under the stars, listening to the music coming from his mobile phone... a YouTube playlist.

We were facing each other while standing and my arms were wrapped around his neck. He was holding me by my waist and we were just smiling and talking like that while unconsciously swaying to the music.

When we grew conscious that we were dancing, we laughed and embraced. He told me that it was a long time ago since he last held a woman like that.

I did not tell him but in my heart, it was a long a long time ago, too, since I felt a kind of love like that.

It was not pure but we were comfortable with each other without even trying. The bond felt right and warm.

We spent so much time together that our emotions grew intense. And you know? Intensity means passion.

We found ourselves getting jealous... Him of Ley, and I of his past lover and a close girl-friend.

We found ourselves angry at each other. But it made us more familiar with each other's hearts and minds.

He said that him and I had a connection, which makes our relationship special.

But as I said, this generation are full of people who are half-asleep.

I once told him that I have fallen in love with him--- we tell each other 'I love you's' but never really conquered our fears to tell how we really feel.

He said that he loves and cares for me but he has no intention to commit. I was heartbroken and felt that I needed to protect myself by abandoning the relationship.

We somehow grew apart but then he demanded that I should be accountable and at least face him if I plan to end things.

We did not end things but we negotiated about our terms... to at least acknowledge and reciprocate the feelings even though there is no commitment.

I was baffled by the idea of him.

A guy in his 30's who does not have the plan to marry nor have children. I sought answers from my male friends and said that he is a red flag and I should run away.

I did see him as a red flag but then as we grew more intimate this time, I have come to see the reasons why he has this perspective in life.

I think he just doesn't want to go through what he experienced as a child, again, or he doesn't want to create a family who might experience the same as he did.

Under the moonlight and breaths reeking of smoke, he told me in detail what he went through as a child who lived in poverty.

He said that he started working in the fields as young as eight and that he used to accompany his mother and siblings to sell kakanin and home-grown vegetables as early as 5 am so that they can have money to go to school at 7 am.

He said that they would go for days without electricity because his mother does not have the money to pay the bill.

They were discriminated because his father was in jail and was refused by society to employ when he got out.

So, he experienced even rummaging through rivers for hours just to get fish or clams for viand because he was tired of eating vegetables.

I was optimistic but my heart was aching while listening to him.

Maybe, he suffered too much as a child that he ended up thinking that creating a family means a burden that his future members might carry.

Every time I invite him to eat at my apartment or when I hand him a pocket of sandwich and goodies for breakfast before we leave the apartment, I usually notice a sparkle in his eyes, which makes me happy because he was happy.

He is a good guy. That, I can say.

And I am glad that I have gotten to know him better since it has made me realize the questions that I have taken the advantage to oversee.

Clearly, there are things that I did not experience as him. But I am proud that he has become a successful man because at least now, he get to enjoy the life that he did not have as a child.

It explains the spontaneous trips. The stuffed toys he buy and keeps in his car. The food he wants to try.

The love I have for him is not that romantic kind altogether but a love that transcends that affair. It almost feel that I want to protect him every time we embrace to sleep.

Maybe in the future, his plans will change but I will not wait for that to come since I am content with what we have now.

And if we will end up committing to other persons... I think he will have a special place in my life.

I had an epiphany that maybe, maybe romantics find it difficult to bind a partner because we are meant to be solitary.

The universe has assigned us to probe through reality and to sift what is unworldly in it.

We bleed words with our tongues; we write images with our subconscious mind; we enchant melody with the strands of our passions and; we yearn not through tears but by realizing the beauty of resentment and bitterness.

Last month, I went to a hike with a circle of acquaintances and friends. We cut through dawn with walking sticks to venture the mountain that hid a sovereign waterfall.

My legs trembled during the trek but the splendor that unfolded to us along the way motivated me to reach this cascade. And it fulfilled its promise.

The height that I reached washed away my body's pain. I felt infinite.

My head kept screaming that we did not only arrived to what we looked for, I also found myself.

The memory what I saw is still vivid to me. As we were finally floating on the basin of the waterfall, I immersed in me the rocky cliffs and the hills crawled upon by lush green bushes and trees.

The light of the sun which was angrily plastered against the canvass of cliffs made the water that we floated upon glimmer.

And as I tried to absorb the scenery, I felt tremendous joy that I was solo and unattached.

Well, my friends kept me sane and I am keeping some dalliances but I was relieved that I was not committed to a directionless romance with a person.

My taste in men is not recommendable. I like to chase; am fond of challenge and tend to translate romantical neglect to love.

I stay at night decoding and transcribing poor treatment to arrogance and vanity of love.

What is there to explain? Lovers perish for love.

But right there, on the cold gushing water of the falls, I realized that romantics don't need be in relationship to fulfill their duties.

WE chase our spark through the stillness of the night. We live through the noise and the work of our hands keep those who listen alive.

In all honesty, I cherish that I pain and that I laugh about things that other people find foolish and irrational.

The great minds and artists were all taunted because the society could not decipher what they were trying to convey. And I am not saying that I belong to the pool of these great men... I just find it romantic that others might misunderstood me just as they have misunderstood them, but little do they know that this foolishness is keeping me alive and that is all that matters.

-MAJAR, 2026

Oh, what a power it is to be able to move a person’s heart with words.

You should watch it☹️🥹… was sobbing 30 mins near the end of the movie. It made me question about who I am and who I am expected to be… Sabi sa movie, I live to be the ruler of life, not a slave. And I get to contemplate on we try to navigate how to live our tiny speck of a life but not on what or who are we trying to live for.

We get our degrees, we socialize with the right people, we try our best to be civilized.. bc modern humans think it is the best way to be defined as a progressive man. But we often forget to make our existence count by being truly alive, not just conforming to what the society demands….

How do I tell my nanay that in the midst of chasing success, growth, and stability, I yearn for home and its safety.

That in this life wherein you are forced to act like an adult, deal with professionals, and mediocre, unsilly people, I yearn to be their little girl all over again.

How do I tell my tatay that I yearn for his kisses and hugs, that I feel a pang in my chest every time that I feel the hesitation in his actions to embrace me like his little girl before.

How do I tell him that I am weak and in need of help; that his daughter is not that brave like he thought she is.

How do I tell them that I feel so fucking lonely but I don't want to live at home also.

How do I tell them that I just want to live a normal life.

I don’t regret how they raised me. I am grateful I am living this life but sometimes, I just feel so fucking heavy.

I was the first one to leave town when I went to high school. My sibling and cousins used to look up and listen to my tell-tales about my new life in the city-- with city folks whose culture is different from ours.

Eight years later, I am back in our province while all my cousins and sibling are in different cities.

I am left to visit my grandparent's house with my younger cousins who are still studying and to dine with my parents in my childhood home every holiday.

If I weren't busy with law school, I guess I would have been ransacked with envy and anxiousness. Again.

My family understands that I keep a wild soul. It cries when caged and always yearn to soar in that canvas of orange and pinkish skies of indigos.

But I know in myself that my wings are not sturdy yet. A strong blow of wind may reduce my pride to nothing.

I prayed to God that he let me be satisfied with drifting momentarily while I strengthen my wings. I think law school fulfilled that.

Two years of living aimlessly led me here today and I am relieved that I am finally working on myself.

It is true what they say that when you try to strive for personal growth, all the other things that you have been chasing before will chase you back.

My weakness should be love. Romantic love.

And I almost lost it all again with Win but thank goodness, I snapped out of it because he made me realize that I was beginning to look weak and pathetic all over again.

All just because someone has showed me a little bit of affection.

And now, I can't even look at guys without thinking of all the possible worst scenarios that could happen to me and to my peaceful life if I let them stay temporarily again. Just like with Franz.

I cannot take care of guys who doesn't even know how to flush the fucking toilet or gets up with the bed unmade and goes to the table to wait for breakfast.

I think, if ever I am going to fall in love again. I don't want a guy who is like Christian or Win.

I need a guy who treats me like my father does. And if ever I can find someone like that, I guess we'll have to wait till I receive that addition to my name. hehehe

Lately, I am satisfied to how things have turned.

I am relieved that God has made a way for Franz and I to finally let go of each other. I am grateful that he did not let me marry him and to his family.

I am grateful that my previous plans in life did not go as planned.

I am rich with friendships and family love and I am cherishing every bit of failure and success that comes my way.

I may actually live a happy life in the future... let's just see and wait.

ATTYby2030

Abot kamay ang langit.

Amen.