Cardinal Virtues & Chemical Madness

there are some things you say that I don’t think I can ever recover from.

So last night I had truffle ramen. Ramen with fucking truffle all over it. a $50 bowl of soup. Then I had a threesome. Then this morning I ate pancakes with literal gold on them on the river under the Brooklyn Bridge and now I’m just sitting here with high anxiety. Just so much anxiety. Just crippled by anxiety and I can’t even move and I don’t understand why. I can’t even take it. I can’t even take myself. And I’m listening to my pop song over and over and over to see what it needs and I got invited to the grammys and I'm like fuck you, I'm not going to the grammys, because thats never going to happen, not because I refuse to go, and california is on fire, and we lost our best senator and there’s another school shooting and all my dreams contain cults and polar bears starving to death and i can’t stop gaining weight and I'm like well maybe if i exercised more instead of having sex and eating truffle covered ramen, but no, I can’t do that because fucking fuck I'm so anxious, i miss my nana I hate the holidays I don’t understand a SINGLE THING THAT’S GOING ON and the worst part is, is I'm not sure if this post is me bragging or complaining or documenting my life but when I look back on it, I'm sure future me will just find it incessantly annoying.

I realize looking back that despite how screwed up the curriculum at my school was and how twisted the ratio of losers to non losers was considering the small population in my town, I can proudly say I never got a bottom locker so that's cool.

Well, it happened. I just pictured Mark Duplas during sex which means yes I'm now actually in my forties let's call Jim Sokolav because I'm close to dead.

I feel sick. I just got off the phone with my nana who I haven't spoken to in six weeks. I’ve called so many times, but she never answers. She answered today. She sounded like she was dying. I have to get up there. I have to get up there now. 

You do all my favorite drugs without me. And my life is a train wreck. But hopefully, when I’m above the both of you, the triangle falls like the pyramids, and I can get respect.  I hate all your hats, and all your New York promises, like I’ll be there, or I do care, about your projects and your shows. But when the last train leaves the platform, you’re still in your apartment with Bullet and the strain you chose.  And all you men are memories, of what it felt like to be full. But I was taught it’s a trap, it’s all a trap girl. Love is a perfectly placed advertisement. Marriage is a high interest loan. And children are your second chances, cuz you don’t get your own.  So do all my drugs without me. Call my life a train wreck.  But I dig my claws so deep, no man ever forgets.  I can make you feel as special as a puppy who gets picked out of the window, and put you right at home in a cage.  I was taught the normal life was a hell on earth. I was taught it was more trouble and I was more worth. You want my forever, but it doesn’t sit still, I belong to the people, and I always will.

Ok so I'm going to be real; my favorite thing about Christmas is harmonizing Joy to the World the way I learned to do in chorus in college for about 3 and a half minutes while the congregation exits the church at midnight mass. It is the single greatest thing about the holiday for me. It is the only thing I am reminiscent about year round and get very excited for each season. And honestly, nothing else makes me happy about it. Presents are expensive. You don't really get any as an adult. Everyone's an asshole. Those people that hate gays ring those stupid bells. It's winter. Fuck winter. So much snow. You just glare at kids the whole time, jealous of how magical they think it is. You always find a way to resent somebody you love. The movies are terrible. And you find an actual reason to HATE Paul McCartney and he's the leader of the goddamn Beatles. But for those three and a half minutes man. I feel it all. And I'm an alto.

*posts passive aggressive status* 5 mins later *posts upset status clearly directed a group of people* 5 mins later *posts status talking about things they hate* 5 mins later *complains that no one is ever there for them* 5 mins later *posts nonsense* Me: are you ok Them: yea why Me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Them: well if you MUST know.... A lifetime later Me: I have so much regret.

I like bringing my baby blanket everywhere I go because it always smells like the last place I've been.