The Muse™️

ajskjhg i tried my best

Virgil is so confused right now

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture. In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. 

This is an excerpt from Atlantic editorial: 'Askers’ vs. ‘Guessers’ by Alex Eichler

To say that you outright refuse to respond to subext, and demand that everyone communicate with you only using the methods you deep acceptable, to outright refuse to read a room because you consider it beneath you to even try – this strikes me as incredibly culturally narrowminded. 

A lot of East Asian societies use Guess Culture as their default communication etiquette. To say, as a blanket statement, that Guess Culture is inherently abusive smacks of Americentrism/Eurocentrism.’

This attitude that “Being loud and direct is the only acceptable way to communicate” ONLY works in a very individualist culture.

I understand where you’re coming from, because my fellow Americans have a bad habit of being ignorant and disrespectful of other cultures. However, I don’t think this is a case of a cultural divide.

Here’s how I see it - I hate horror movies. They give me panic attacks, so now I never watch horror movies, ever, under any circumstances. If someone asks me to see a movie with them, I let them know that I can’t watch horror movies. If horror movies are the only type of movie they will watch, then we just don’t watch a movie together. And that’s okay. I’m not saying that no one else can watch a horror movie. I’m just saying that, in order to take care of my mental health, I can’t watch horror movies.

@geekdawson didn’t say that no one should ever communicate with subtext. They just said that, in order to take care of their mental health, they can’t participate in that behavior.

@lierdumoa I had hoped we could discuss this calmly, but it would seem that you just want to be angry. Which is your right, I suppose, but directing it at people who are just trying to protect their mental health is very harmful.

The original post was giving advice to abuse survivors who have a tendency to over analyze subtext. The advice was to let people off the hook if they did things like cut them off in conversation or play loud music while they were studying. The OP explicitly said that they do read the room. They just don’t let subtext influence their actions.

Not to mention, some people can’t read subtext. A lot of neurodivergent people (myself included) simply don’t understand subtext and need clear communication in order to understand what’s going on. Are we supposed to somehow re-wire our brains? That’s hardly fair, now is it?

no, your friend probably has not noticed they cut you off four times in this conversation. 

no, your brother didn’t realize his music was that loud while you were studying. 

no, your bff or S.O. doesn’t remember that you’re on a tight deadline right now.

no, no one else is paying attention to the four power dynamics at play in your friend group right now.  

a habit of abused kids, especially kids with unstable parents, is the tendency to notice every little detail. We magnify small nuances into major things, largely because small nuances quickly became breaking points for parents. Managing moods, reading the room, perceiving danger in the order of words, the shift of body weight….it’s all a natural outgrowth of trying to manage unstable parents from a young age. 

Here’s the thing: most people don’t do that. I’m not saying everyone else is oblivious, I’m saying the over analysis of minor nuances is a habit of abuse. 

I have a rule: I do not respond to subtext. This includes guilt tripping, silent treatments, passive aggressive behavior, etc. I see it. I notice it. I even sometimes have to analyze it and take a deep breath and CHOOSE not to respond. Because whether it’s really there or just me over-reading things that actually don’t mean anything, the habit of lending credence to the part of me that sees danger in the wrong shift of body weight…that’s toxic for me. And dangerous to my relationships. 

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture. In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture. In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. 

This is an excerpt from Atlantic editorial: 'Askers’ vs. ‘Guessers’ by Alex Eichler

To say that you outright refuse to respond to subext, and demand that everyone communicate with you only using the methods you deep acceptable, to outright refuse to read a room because you consider it beneath you to even try – this strikes me as incredibly culturally narrowminded. 

A lot of East Asian societies use Guess Culture as their default communication etiquette. To say, as a blanket statement, that Guess Culture is inherently abusive smacks of Americentrism/Eurocentrism.’

This attitude that “Being loud and direct is the only acceptable way to communicate” ONLY works in a very individualist culture.

I understand where you’re coming from, because my fellow Americans have a bad habit of being ignorant and disrespectful of other cultures. However, I don’t think this is a case of a cultural divide.

Here’s how I see it - I hate horror movies. They give me panic attacks, so now I never watch horror movies, ever, under any circumstances. If someone asks me to see a movie with them, I let them know that I can’t watch horror movies. If horror movies are the only type of movie they will watch, then we just don’t watch a movie together. And that’s okay. I’m not saying that no one else can watch a horror movie. I’m just saying that, in order to take care of my mental health, I can’t watch horror movies.

@geekdawson didn’t say that no one should ever communicate with subtext. They just said that, in order to take care of their mental health, they can’t participate in that behavior.

He’s been living in his West Point crib

I bet he’s never had a rebel guy

I bet his sergeant never told him why