maybe it's wisdom

hate it when hallmark movie is winter themed but not specifically christmas themed. scammed!

i am systematically tearing myself down to foundation once every couple of years and then act surprised when it feels like hell. you’ve done it on purpose baby! cut cords, cut all of your hair, cut your budget, cut your losses… why the fuck would you expect it be ok? you’re not. you’re breaking yourself because it didn’t feel right, again. better luck next time i guess.

know that i am absolutely not well because i’ve spent the entire weekend cycling between watching first season of succession and jerma compilations, then progressing into reading mha (about four volumes in a day), then watching two and a half hallmark christmas movies back to back while working, and then i’ve also taken the first witcher book off my shelf for potential reread. zero time with my own thoughts please and i’m planning to keep it up until i don’t want to kms anymore.

i feel like taking a decent daily walk would fix 90% of my problems at the least. too bad not being able to take a decent walk without 50/50 chance of descending into a panic attack is part of my problems..

i like to complain and pity myself a lot and in some respects it’s fair, in some respects i’ve fucked up life for myself. but then it’s december and i don’t have to wake up to an alarm. it’s been years since i had to wake up to an alarm and go somewhere, so many years in fact that i’ve almost forgotten the existential horror of getting up at 6am dark cold afraid no will to go on exhausted hopeless lifeless hating every day more than the last… nope, i get my 8 to 10 hours nightly and i move when i’m ready. i do shit i like and most importantly, don’t do shit i hate. yes there are trade offs. yes some of them are really bad. but they’re there for a reason.

had a double flat white earlier today (as opposed to my usual lungo with breakfast) and it was hell hell hell pure agony… yeah not having proper meals didn’t help, but i just don’t get to have anything these days. no alcohol no nicotine no prescription drugs no caffeine either everything makes me feel horribly like shit, i really have to rawdog this life huh? a variety of boiled grains and some apple juice are the few things that keep me sane and I HATE IT.