we feel bad for existing which is ironic considering the other half of the system has such low empathy that the world could implode and be directly their fault, and they would not care. We were originally a fictive of a D.I.D youtuber, and not an entire system (kindof, simply didnt know about it yet) but as we continued to watch this youtuber things came out about their trauma and it turns out they are a ramcoa survivor. Now like others who are fictives/factives their experiences update as they continue to watch or consume said media, and with that we grew. Ramcoa quickly became a special interest for the rest of the system, it was innocent, until the others realized what was happening to us.
Given the fact our "source" got updated as we learned this turned into developing everything we had ever read or learned about ramcoa and tbmc. For a time we accepted this, called ourself a TransRamcoa system and moved on (once we found the radqueer and transid community, not before, we just over explained our source experience before) as of more recently (over the last couple years) however our experience has evoloved into past lives. Affected alters have entire timelines of their past including some sort of Ramcoa trauma, some alters are from the same timeline, some arent, but with this we developed a lot of different programs, orginization patterns, and triggers.
Now the only thing we share with the D.I.D youtuber is a face and weve become something completely different, and something weve never expected. The problem is there is a soul wrenching pain to be valid, we have sought out abusers, one reprogramer who almost did genuine harm, and we continue to fight to try to do anything to feel like we are real in our experiences, that even though the body never experianced such trauma that doesnt degrade our entire existance.
Whats worse is these thoughts of inadequacy were only exemplified by the community we observed from afar, the very one we wanted so badly to be seen in, or even just heard out for a moment.
We are suffering in a absurd amount of ways and no matter what, who we speak too, who accepts us, what we share, there is always a overwhelming feeling of guilt for "copying" or "pretending" the very trauma that gets no worse. The greatest example of the evils of humanity is what we are desperately clawing at validation for because we will never be "real". we will never be "valid". and we will never be accepted as we are. We will be alone in this forever, and even those gracious enough to let us speak will never see past the fact the body is free. We will never get the pleasure of feeling like what weve delt with is finally enough.