Hey reader(s), as usual, itās been awhile. Whatās new? I hope all is well for you. Iām going to touch a topic today that I donāt think Iāve talked about on here before, and if I have, I do apologize. But recently I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it has kind of turned my world around. A lot of things started to make more sense though. My mood, my attitude, everything just kind of clicked into place. They placed me on a medicine called Abilify and so far, it is really working for me. I feel okay. I donāt have such low lows that I used to get, which is great but... I also donāt get the highs that I used to love. It has almost taken away most of my motivation. Especially my motivation to write... I miss when this used to give me an outlet but now Iām so null that I donāt have that passion that used to fuel my fingers.Ā The tingling sensation that used to flow through my body, a race track in my brain with the words zooming through my fingers. I miss this passion. I miss the highs. Sometimes I even miss the lows. I miss feeling that sad, emptiness that allowed me to cry so easily. Now I can barely shed a tear and, besides masturbating, thereās not much passion in my body. Not that much passion in my life, honestly. Iām single, in college with 17 credits, in a single room, and besides studying and watching Youtube videos, I donāt do much of anything. I wish I had some advice to share. Some comfort to give. Anything really. But this is just me writing to waste time away until I go to the next class. My life is dull and in need of some great adventure or some mystical escape. The farthest I get to that is daydreaming about one of my professors. Heās my āmystical escapeā that will never happen. Just another thing in my imagination that has no possible way to receive a breath of life into it. I let my head get into the clouds occasionally, imagining what life could be like with him, but in reality, I know I still, and will have nothing to do with it other than just being a great student in his shadow. Enough about boys though. Iām tired of my life revolving around boys. I finally deleted my dating apps and now Iām trying to focus on myself. Have a better diet. Make myself presentable more often. Maybe exercise if I ever decide I want to. Hanging out with friends, forcing myself to leave the screens that so unfortunately control my life. Trying to find love by finding love. No longer forcing it to appear for me in the form of either swiping left or right. Iām tired of the dating scene. The one-night stand scene. I no longer want to be someoneās second or third or 30th choice. I want to be someoneās last choice they ever have to make. Anyways⦠back to the point. Itās time for me to take care of myself the way my body deserves. Iām trying to find my passion again. Looking for it around each corner, in each shadow I meet. It has to be somewhere. I know it is. I know Iām rambling at this point but, for the first time in a long time, this feels good again. The words are flowing through my fingers and it just feels natural. I wish I could be a true writer. But that also involves creative skills and Iām only good at rambling my feelings out like word vomit. I hope youāre still with me. I know this post is longer than most that I have written. But today I just feel so damn good. I woke up early, got ready, understood what was going on in class, and even got complimented for my outfit. I now just realized I do have some advice. If you can make someoneās day just by saying āhelloā or ālovely sweaterā, do it. Why not take the 5 seconds out of your life to make someone smile? Youāll make them feel good and you can even feel good too if you mean the compliment. This is something I have started doing. I mainly compliment women because they are easier for me to talk to, but I occasionally compliment men too. But you can tell that for a split second they forget about all of the bullshit in their life and they feel loved. Itās really that simple too. Just find something you like and compliment them. The more you truly mean it, the greater the reaction is too. For me, I never give a compliment that I donāt mean whole heartedly. Believe it or not, thatās hard for some of you to say. Thereās always this stigma that you have to be nice all of the time. Thatās crap. I try my best, but Iām not always nice. Donāt let these posts fool you. I have a bitchy side to myself. And I love it. I love that I can care so selflessly but also stand up for myself and what I think is right. Thatās one thing I truly love about myself. Now Iāll argue with you about almost everything else about myself. Honestly, Iād even argue that Iām more selfish than selfless sometimes, but who isnāt? Sometimes itās okay to be selfish. Believe me. It is. Thatās something that took me a long time to realize. I was raised to be selfless and always worry about others before yourself but donāt live that way. Care for yourself sometimes. Your body needs you. Mentally and physically you need to be selfish sometimes and worry about yourself. I should probably start to wrap this up now. Class is almost over and Iāve got to boogey back to my dorm before the next one. I sound like an older lady⦠Oh goodness. Anyways, if you made it this far, Iām so proud of you! Seriously. My writing isnāt the easiest to read through. But seriously, I hope you have an amazing day/night. And I hope you come back to this blog soon. I have a feeling I may start doing this more often. Goodbye for now. Yours truly, Nova