Dear Reader...

Dear Reader(s), I have lost my compassion to write. I have lost my compassion for life to be completely honest with you. I feel nothing. I am nothing. I sit here trying to ramble and hope that people will read this and learn something from me. Realistically... nobody reads this. I am writing to myself and to that I say, go fuck myself. I am constantly trying to find someone to fill this emptiness that I feel inside, but in reality, it’s me that is causing the emptiness. Not experiencing life. Not forcing myself to go out and party. Not making myself socialize. I am slowly killing myself from the inside out. Allowing this blackness to absorb who I am as an individual. Tonight I went to the movies with an old friend. An old friend that I once told “I love you” to. An old friend who has moved on in his life and is talking to someone else. I cried the entire way home and for an hour after I got here. I cried up until the moment I started writing this. Now I’m just angry. Angry at a world that has me in it. Angry at myself for deciding that I do not deserve happiness. I am the blackness inside myself that is spreading like wildfire. Taking away my ability to function as an individual. I am nothingness. I have already killed the flame that used to burn so brightly within myself. I get that I’m’ young and I have “...so much to look forward to. There’s so much time to worry about that later.”  Well there isn’t. I could die at any second not knowing what real love feels like. Feeling like I never deserved it in the first place. Life is short. It’s that simple. Is love such a terrible thing to ask for? And I don’t mean love in general because I have friends and family that love me. And I know this. I mean true love. Soul love. The kind of love that makes you feel unstoppable. The kind of love that makes you feel warm inside. The kind of love that exists in movies. I know it can’t always be like that but with the right person, shouldn’t it? Shouldn’t it feel like it’s your own little movie? I think I love a boy. A boy who hates to be touched. Who has stated that we wouldn’t be a good fit together. The only boy I know who has handled all of my crazy that I throw at him. And it’s fucking hurts. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest every time I see him smile. Every time I make him laugh. Every time I see his name pop up on my phone. But I have to ignore it because he’s one of the closest friends I have ever had. So I deal with the pain. I push it aside to keep moving. That’s all you can do.. Just keep moving... Whatever. Bye.

Hey reader(s), as usual, it’s been awhile. What’s new? I hope all is well for you. I’m going to touch a topic today that I don’t think I’ve talked about on here before, and if I have, I do apologize. But recently I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it has kind of turned my world around. A lot of things started to make more sense though. My mood, my attitude, everything just kind of clicked into place. They placed me on a medicine called Abilify and so far, it is really working for me. I feel okay. I don’t have such low lows that I used to get, which is great but... I also don’t get the highs that I used to love. It has almost taken away most of my motivation. Especially my motivation to write... I miss when this used to give me an outlet but now I’m so null that I don’t have that passion that used to fuel my fingers. The tingling sensation that used to flow through my body, a race track in my brain with the words zooming through my fingers. I miss this passion. I miss the highs. Sometimes I even miss the lows. I miss feeling that sad, emptiness that allowed me to cry so easily. Now I can barely shed a tear and, besides masturbating, there’s not much passion in my body. Not that much passion in my life, honestly. I’m single, in college with 17 credits, in a single room, and besides studying and watching Youtube videos, I don’t do much of anything. I wish I had some advice to share. Some comfort to give. Anything really. But this is just me writing to waste time away until I go to the next class. My life is dull and in need of some great adventure or some mystical escape. The farthest I get to that is daydreaming about one of my professors. He’s my “mystical escape” that will never happen. Just another thing in my imagination that has no possible way to receive a breath of life into it. I let my head get into the clouds occasionally, imagining what life could be like with him, but in reality, I know I still, and will have nothing to do with it other than just being a great student in his shadow. Enough about boys though. I’m tired of my life revolving around boys. I finally deleted my dating apps and now I’m trying to focus on myself. Have a better diet. Make myself presentable more often. Maybe exercise if I ever decide I want to. Hanging out with friends, forcing myself to leave the screens that so unfortunately control my life. Trying to find love by finding love. No longer forcing it to appear for me in the form of either swiping left or right. I’m tired of the dating scene. The one-night stand scene. I no longer want to be someone’s second or third or 30th choice. I want to be someone’s last choice they ever have to make. Anyways… back to the point. It’s time for me to take care of myself the way my body deserves. I’m trying to find my passion again. Looking for it around each corner, in each shadow I meet. It has to be somewhere. I know it is. I know I’m rambling at this point but, for the first time in a long time, this feels good again. The words are flowing through my fingers and it just feels natural. I wish I could be a true writer. But that also involves creative skills and I’m only good at rambling my feelings out like word vomit. I hope you’re still with me. I know this post is longer than most that I have written. But today I just feel so damn good. I woke up early, got ready, understood what was going on in class, and even got complimented for my outfit. I now just realized I do have some advice. If you can make someone’s day just by saying “hello” or “lovely sweater”, do it. Why not take the 5 seconds out of your life to make someone smile? You’ll make them feel good and you can even feel good too if you mean the compliment. This is something I have started doing. I mainly compliment women because they are easier for me to talk to, but I occasionally compliment men too. But you can tell that for a split second they forget about all of the bullshit in their life and they feel loved. It’s really that simple too. Just find something you like and compliment them. The more you truly mean it, the greater the reaction is too. For me, I never give a compliment that I don’t mean whole heartedly. Believe it or not, that’s hard for some of you to say. There’s always this stigma that you have to be nice all of the time. That’s crap. I try my best, but I’m not always nice. Don’t let these posts fool you. I have a bitchy side to myself. And I love it. I love that I can care so selflessly but also stand up for myself and what I think is right. That’s one thing I truly love about myself. Now I’ll argue with you about almost everything else about myself. Honestly, I’d even argue that I’m more selfish than selfless sometimes, but who isn’t? Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. Believe me. It is. That’s something that took me a long time to realize. I was raised to be selfless and always worry about others before yourself but don’t live that way. Care for yourself sometimes. Your body needs you. Mentally and physically you need to be selfish sometimes and worry about yourself. I should probably start to wrap this up now. Class is almost over and I’ve got to boogey back to my dorm before the next one. I sound like an older lady… Oh goodness. Anyways, if you made it this far, I’m so proud of you! Seriously. My writing isn’t the easiest to read through. But seriously, I hope you have an amazing day/night. And I hope you come back to this blog soon. I have a feeling I may start doing this more often. Goodbye for now. Yours truly, Nova

Hey there... I’ve been writing a lot more recently and it feels pretty great. There’s this guy.. yeah yeah yeah, I know. Same story I’ve told a million times before. But we get along and we have been talking for about a month now and he’s not ready for me. I don’t know if I should stay or leave. It terrifies me to want to be with another person. We have been taking things really slow and haven’t even exchanged a peck on the lips yet. He’s a little out there which is what I think I like the most about him. He’s kind to me. He cares. I just don’t want it to end like all of the others.. you know? I told him that I wanted to talk to him. I told him that I’m scared. I just need to ask him a bunch of questions. Like... do you genuinely like me? Are you seriously considering dating me? How do I know this is real? He makes me feel safe. And I trust him which is not a common thing for me to feel. He supports me and he knows that I support him too, I think... He’s not ready for me yet.. that scares me the most. I don’t want to waste my time just to be broken in the end. I don’t think I can handle another heartbreak like the others. Full of so much hatred and dishonesty. I don’t want to scare him away. It scares me how everything feels normal around him. We make fun of each other. We have the same sense of humor. I’ve always had this idea of what my future would look like and my next boyfriend. I have this old idea of them being older, taller, strong, and everything I was ever taught when I was growing up. He’s older but not taller. He’s stronger than he thinks he is. I can see it in his eyes. He isn’t what I imagined... he’s so much more. I know I’m speaking too soon though. And I know somehow, something will go wrong. And he will hate me. That’s the general theme my life has taken on. But things might be different this time. My medicine is helping me so much. I feel better. I feel more in control of myself than I have ever been before. I think I’m scared that he’s going to change his mind. That he will see me for what I truly am and not want me anymore. I don’t want to wait forever but I want to wait for him and that scares me too. He’s not ready. I understand that. I respect that. But this involves the both of us. I’m supposed to watch out for myself too right...? I don’t know... there’s a lot of time for things to go wrong because of something I do or say. I guess this is cheers to hoping for the best but, expecting the worse. Goodnight you guys.. Sleep well.

So.. hey there. A post two nights in a row? Crazy. I know. Things have been a bit off today. Today was the first day of classes and I’m looking forward to my schedule but... I don’t know. As usual, something is off and I’m not sure just quite what it is at the moment. I cried today. Over something little and stupid but it felt so good. It was like that giant weight lifted off of your chest because the crying was so intense. I know that sounds silly but it’s true. I laid on my floor, in a ball, and I just cried. Of course my eyes are now puffy and my head hurts but for that 30 minutes, when everything fell apart, it felt as if everything came together. It’s been a long day and I’m not a huge fan of some people right now.. Some people are just so cruel and self-absorbed.. Whatever. I should probably call it a night. Talk to you guys later.. Sleep well.

Hey there! I hope all has been well. As usual.... it’s been awhile since my last entry. I was home for the summer and working a lot. Now, I’m back at Uni and I could not be happier. Things are peaceful here and when I’m on my own, I feel like I could take on the world now. Well... I did when I started writing this anyways. For whatever reason I just fell into a really deep darkness. It’s that feeling of not wanting to be around anyone but also wanting to be with friends doing stuff. I have no energy. I’m hoping it’s just because I need more sleep because classes for Uni start tomorrow and I can’t be struggling like this to hold onto myself. I feel like Peter Pan’s shadow. Barely attached to my body and no longer there in the darkness. It’s hard. It’s hard to live your life when you feel like you’re just watching yourself go through the motions of the day. It’s not like this all of the time but when it is, it’s not a good time. This might be a short because I’m not entirely sure on how to fix this issue. I’m trying but until I know what’s truly going on, I have no solution. I’m sorry... Goodnight.

Hey... How was your day? I hope it was well. I hope all the others are well too. But I know from experience that not every day can be a bright and peachy one. Some days you feel as if you’re mourning a loss that doesn’t truly exist. It’s one of the most confusing emotions I have ever experienced. I guess that was not exactly the purpose of this post but it is the first thing that came to mind when I started typing. I guess my brain picked a path for me to travel today.. I am not completely sure as to how I am supposed to elaborate on that topic but, I must try my best. It has been awhile since I have written. The highs and the lows have a strange way of taking over my brain, my body, and my breathing. It’s always strange to me how your brain can take over your brain. I understand that that sentence may sound a bit mental but I believe, to some of us, it makes sense. When you’re in a high, you feel completely in control and like nothing could take you down. You are so happy and it is so extreme that it feels like if it could ever go away, it wouldn’t be for a very long time.. That’s not true though. It leaves your body in an instant. The darkness takes over your brain and your brain takes over your body. The smallest thing could send you back into the hole you thought you finally crawled out of for good. These are the days. These are the days when you mourn the loss of the high but it never really existed, did it? Today I am calm. Not because I am relaxed but because my body does not have the energy to be anything else. I know this feeling will go away eventually but for right now, I’m honestly enjoying it. There is something to enjoy about not being in another day of another high. There is something so enjoyable about not having the energy to move. About for the first couple days in a long time, you could sit still. Sit still and just stare. Stare off into nothingness and either think or just zone. Nothing needs to be happening in your head for as long as you would like to sit and stare. I am always moving. Always fidgeting. Always twitching. Always something.. Except for the days I am in mourning. Those are the days where my body and my brain do not feel the urge to move or to fidget or to twitch... These are the days when nothing truly matters because you are so low to the ground, nothing could bring you down farther. 

Hey there.. I’ve been writing a lot lately. I think it’s becoming my new way of venting. I’m making a lot of changes lately. I’m not eating a bunch of junk, I started going to the gym again, I’ve decided to not get on my computer unless it’s for university or this.. My new goal is to be in the sunlight as much as possible. It is strange to me though.. This is the first time in awhile that I have written when I was not in total distress.. It feels nice but almost completely irrelevant to me right now. When I’m not in distress, I don’t have as much passion to write.. I mean I do but it’s really what I put into my writing that is different. Like right now, I have no lesson today. I’m fairly content with how things are going and the only need I need to fulfill right now is the fact that I’m a bit hungry but it’s not even 8:30 in the morning yet. I met someone last night.. well.. kind of? As much as I am trying to change a few of my habits.. dating apps still haven’t been deleted. He’s kind but I’ve been wrong many times before now, so this time might not be any different. It’s funny how when I was younger we were taught not to talk to strangers on the internet and now as an adult as long as you meet them in a public place first, you can make a different decision. The internet was terrifying when I was a child but now, as long as you have a Facebook that looks real and a Snapchat it tends to no longer matter. I remember how nervous I used to get asking people for their numbers so I could call them that night or, when we reach the age of cellphones, I could start texting them. Now nobody breaks a sweat asking for a Snapchat because now you can delete or block anyone if you get uncomfortable. My biggest problems with these dating apps is that you can learn so much about a complete stranger and yet you won’t know their last name for weeks or maybe even longer.. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this.. And I’m not sure it’s going to help anyone.. I will say my writing is much more passionate when I’m sad or angry or anything besides content. I accept that though. I mean if me being a bad writer means I’m happy then so be it. I’ll still try to help and I’ll still vent no matter what, I just hope you want to read it. I know I am not that great of a writer already but when I start going, I don’t want to stop. I’ve reached a point in my life where I think my fingers move faster than my brain can process what is even happening at that moment in time. I guess I’ll make this one short since I’m technically supposed to be listening to a computer science professor right now.. I hope whoever reads this has a great day whether or not you read this today, tomorrow, or ever. Everyone deserves to have good days. Yes, there will always be bad days but sometimes the worst day still had something to offer you. I guess I’ll sign off with saying this.. I never used to understand the saying, “It’s the little things in life..” Now I do. And it is so very true. No matter what is happening right now, no matter how high the hill in front of you is.. there is always going to be another one right after. This I am learning to be the one constant in my life. I know it’s not very comforting and that it’s a bit terrifying but it is just life. So seriously, find the little things. Whether it is the way a raindrop shines on the petal of a flower or the fact that you opened your eyes today. No matter how small, it’s still a victory and you should never overlook that. So here’s a challenge for you.. if it’s early, by the end of the day I want to figure out at least one little thing that happened today that wasn’t so bad. If you are reading this later at night, think about your day and see if you noticed the little thing. They are truly little things but their impact is so much more.. I am actually signing off now. I hope I helped. I’ll write back soon.

Hello again.. so recently I have made some very important realizations in my life. Starting with the idea that every human being I try to talk to on a romantic level either has no idea I exist, leads me on, or tells me they don’t want to hurt me and they want to be friends. Now, I have played this game a million times over and every time I keep making the same mistakes. My decision now is that I am done with being everyone’s toy and nobody’s type. I am not perfect, I know that, but I deserve so much more than what I have experienced. I understand that I need to be patient and that maybe one day I will find my person. Until then... it is time to be me. Do things for me. Be who I want to be and who I know I am. The whole friends with benefits is not enough for me. I care for all human beings with all of my heart and soul. Asking me to connect with you but not care for you is impossible for me. I haven’t made the smartest choices in life and I know that.. I lost myself and who I was for a long time and I’m still trying to climb out of that hole. But listen to me when I tell you this.. that emptiness that you may feel, that longing for another human.. ignore it. Do not give in to these people who want you to share their bed or your’s and then expect you to disappear. You are not silent. I know this sounds completely mental and like I am mad at the world and my past.. I’m not. It has just taken me a long time to realize that the emptiness I have been trying to fill for so long is from me not caring for myself. From not treating my body right and not caring enough to try. From just allowing any person to walk into my life and sweep me off my feet even for a night and expecting there to be so much more. There isn’t. When you’re finished, you get dressed, and they politely ask you to leave and that you will talk later... That’s when you get the whole “It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t want to hurt you. I’m just not great with relationships. Let’s be friends.” or you get the, “Wow thanks for last night. I can’t believe you let me do that. See you around.” I have heard a multitude of different speeches from different people. I am not proud of some of my past but there is no going back so there is no point in letting it ruin my life now. I am so much different now than I was when I was that girl... I got lucky that it didn’t ruin my life. But honestly... I am so grateful that all of it happened. I am the way I am because of everything I have had to face in my life. Although it wasn’t easy, I kept my head above water no matter how many times I wanted to drown. I will admit that I still have the naive part of that girl I once was but now, I know my limits and I make my own rules. The naive part of me will always care for everyone... No matter how many times I have been hurt, I will always try my hardest to see the best in people because without that... trying to live while being filled with rage and hate for everyone around you.. That is not living. That is drowning. This post took a bit of a turn that I did not expect it to and I am very surprised that I shared what I have. I’m also proud of myself. A year ago, I was filled with so much hate and it was so hard to make it through anything. Today, I am so much better now knowing that I don’t want to drown anymore. And I don’t want anyone else to either... I hope that if you made it this far, maybe my writing helped you. If not, I understand. If it did, thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance. I used to hate the phrase, “Everything will get better!” But... maybe it does. You just have to fight back.

So... It has been a little while since I have last written. University is fairly kicking my ass. I am determined to make it through this though. I have been learning a lot lately and started reading a lot of psychology books to see if that would help. It is strange though... It’s like I have all of this energy that I was using to do absolutely nothing and now I want to do stuff and nobody is around. I isolated myself from the world for so long that maybe it forgot about me. Although I know that I still exist and I am still here, sometimes it doesn’t always feel that way. Have you ever just kind of stood in one spot and watched the world move around you..? I have missed so much already in my life and I am determined to break out of the habit. I want to experience life not just exist through it. The day I decided to make this page I made a decision that I do not care if anyone reads this. Chances are, it is very difficult to find. But if there is even the slight chance that someone will read this one day and it helps them, makes all of the difference. I have enjoyed helping people since I was little but the older I get the more I realize that the way I have been trying to help everybody around me is not the way I should be. I have lived my life by dropping everything I am doing for everyone around me and I have come to the conclusion that it does not work. I drop everything and yet when I need someone, nobody is in sight. So if all I ever did with my life was help a complete stranger on the internet by sharing the things I am learning along the way in my crazy life, it will all be worth it. That one person may not have the world revolving around them but, chances are, they are somebody’s world. I have written a million different things in my head over and over again and yet I never used to write them down but when I would try to help my friends they would ask questions that I had tried to answer in my head. My writing may all just be random rants and they tangent away from the start like no tomorrow but I am learning that that is who I am as a person. I am all over the place and that is totally okay. I love being the way I am. I love never being able to sit still. I love that it took me a long time to figure all of this out because all of that, all of everything I do, day and night, makes me the person I am. I have come so far since I first started battling everything around me. I am going to finish off this rant to start another one about something else but I hope that if you read this far you enjoyed it. I hope that one day it helps someone. If not, it helps me knowing that I at least tried to get everything out.

Lately there are a lot of things that I have learned and realized. A large thing being, that people will make you out to be whoever they want you to be. Good, bad, love you, hate you, blah blah blah. My favorite ones involve the scenario of me turning someone down. I have my reasons for what I am looking for and for the million things in my life that I am not selfish enough for, who I am looking to spend the rest of my life is one thing that I am very selfish about. I’m not saying that if your appearance doesn’t please me that I will not converse with you. That is just not true. I love and care for most people regardless of anything of that. Personalities say things about people that words never could. Along with that, so do actions. I was recently contacted by someone who has not spoken to me since 2013. When I was younger, I was head over heels for this person, but that was okay, I was too young to notice anything else. When this person contacted me, I was home from school for the holidays and thought that maybe it would be nice to see them again. I went and spent time with this person and a couple of their friends. We were all having a great time and when the night was winding down, this person and I decided to have some alone time together and just talk. I thought maybe reconnecting would be nice but the problem with reconnecting with someone when you haven’t spoken in years is that, you remember them from then, not now. I remember the person I had a crush on, and not the person I had watch “grow up” through social media. While we were talking, said person looked at me and asked me a question that caught me quite off guard. They asked, “Would you be down with talking? Like talking as in us dating? You used to be in love with me when we were younger.” Need I remind you, we have not spoken in years. We are adults now and from what I know, that is not how adults date. I understand that people do things differently and that is totally fine. Whatever makes you comfortable but I knew, this idea did not make me comfortable. In that moment, that dark room we were talking in lit up, my brain started to look for an escape route. I wanted to leave, I did not want to have this conversation anymore. I tried avoiding it. I tried explaining that things are a lot more complicated than that. They wanted me to move back. To date them. Just quit school and come back to the same farming community that I had spent my entire life trying to escape. This was not an option. I expressed that I did not belong where we were, even in the state. I had a life elsewhere and there was no way I was going to drop everything and come home for a person that I had a crush on when I was 14. My response did not please this individual. I left as soon as I could, I no longer wanted to be where I was. I went home and avoided conversation with said person for a couple of days. We finally came back to the conversation.It was not fair for me to just not give them an answer. I expressed my reasons for disagreeing with their offer and I thought things were okay. They were upset but it was better for me to be honest than to just beat around the bush. A week later, they were dating another person and I was confused but I didn’t care. That relationship was over just about as soon as it began. This person then began expressing with me how awful I was. All I saw them post on social media involved finding the “right one” and how going out makes me bad person and how I’m a hoe because I did not want to settle down with them. I have never once understood human beings. I still don’t and I sure don’t pretend to. I don’t understand why people do or act the way they do sometimes but what started to go through my head is all of the signs I had missed before. Throughout the years, I had watched this individual go through person after person after person with relationships. Always “in love” with one after the other. I finally felt better realizing that I didn’t care anymore. I am who I am. People can do whatever they want, whatever makes them comfortable. I learned I am not comfortable with just doing whatever with relationships. I am perfectly okay with who I am and the choices I’ve been making in my life. It feels great to finally be able to say that because for so long it wasn’t. What I want people to know and to remember is that you need to do whatever you believe is right now. I don;t mean that in a way that hurts a lot of people or denies people things that they deserve it just means don;t be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings by doing what is best for you. Don’t change your life for another person unless it is what you want to do too. I know my writing is just random rants and that the likelihood of anyone actually reading these is not great but I’ve learned that writing this stuff down, expressing everything I have locked inside of myself for so long, helps. It took me a long time to figure what works for me but I think I finally found it. I can’t describe how amazing it feelings to feel the keys clicking underneath my fingertips. I hope that with doing this, maybe I can help someone, somewhere. Until then, I’m helping myself. 

In my lifetime, my family has picked on me for a lot of things. Growing up it was always just what we did. We all picked on each other and laughed and we all knew it came from love.. it wasn't until recently that I started to think maybe this has to do with part of the reason I am the way I am. I had a very privileged childhood and I know that. I'm very grateful for that.. I just wonder if maybe my family picking on me the way they did caused me to not have the confidence that I so desperately needed for a huge part of my young adulthood. It's gotten better now and I'm still working on it but I don't know. I feel awful for feeling the way I do. I've been given so much and I'm furthering my education with college to become so much more than I ever thought I could be. I always told myself that if I could carry all of the sadness and pain in the world on my back so everyone else could be happy, I would. And I mean that. And if I could, I would. But I can't. And what I'm starting to realize is that I have wasted so much of my life trying to make everyone else around me so happy that I never learned what I like or what I'm talented at. I've always had a lot of pressure put on me to be better and be smarter and make something of myself. And I know that's not exactly bad or anything but I've reached a point in my life where I'm becoming aware of how boring I am. I've only ever followed the rules and I think I'm done. I'm ready to start living my life. Going out. Having fun. Doing more with my life than just focusing on what everyone else wants me to do.

I started writing when I was young.. the motivation comes in spurts and it's always been that way. I never let anyone read it until my sophomore year of high school when my English teacher made us turn in creative writing assignments. He hated mine. He told me that they weren't what he was looking for. Ever since then, I have wanted to write so much more. I hated the way he made me feel about myself and my writing so I continued to turn in the same type of assignments until he finally stopped criticizing me. From that moment on, I stopped caring what anyone wanted from me. It wasn't fair and so I've decided that nobody can stop me from writing whatever I want here. That's the great thing about the internet... you can express how you feel and if you don't like what people say, you just walk away from the screen.