The Void Within~

After everything was over, Jeonghan and Aisha went back to their apartment. They went to their rooms; the moment Aisha entered the room, she looked around her new room. She changed her gown and wore her comfort clothes. She sat on the bed and looked around her room once again, everything felt so new. She came to Jeonghan’s apartment rarely and every time she came it was with Seungcheol, when they would hang out together but now living with him in his apartment was something different. Leaving her apartment and living with Jeonghan was like leaving her memories behind that one room, which was her comfort.

She kept her phone on the night table and tried sleeping. The moment she closed her eyes, all the events that happened today came rushing to her mind and it played as if she was watching today’s replay. Seungcheol, her wedding, the kiss, and Jeonghan. Everything felt so unfamiliar and the way Seungcheol’s eyes never left hers was something she never expected.

Whereas Jeonghan was in his room, wearing his sweatshirt, today was indeed a tiring day for him but he couldn’t forget the look he witnessed of Seungcheol; there were so many unspoken words between them, he noticed the way he was looking at them when they kissed.

Aisha told him it was over but what was the thing he saw today, Aisha wanted him to kiss her because of Seungcheol and it was beyond his ethics to agree to her. He would never kiss her for advantage, a kiss is something personal and for him, it was more than personal and if he would kiss Aisha then it would be out of love and affection he felt for her. Denying wasn’t a thing now, Aisha is a part of his life now, she is his responsibility now and he knows, what he did.

The night was something for them, which resulted in overthinking.

The next morning, Jeonghan woke up early because he had one important meeting to attend, and making breakfast for them almost became a habit of his. His mom specifically told him what are the things Aisha needs to avoid and what are the things she needs to eat despite how many she tells him that she wants this or that, because cravings are very normal during pregnancy.

Jeonghan kept everything on the table and went towards her room; he knocked on her room, and he realized nothing changed except the fact that they were married and it’s his apartment rather than Aisha’s apartment.

“Aisha?” he called her name, he looked at the time, she usually wakes up by this time. “Aisha?” he was about to knock again but the door opened and he looked at her, she looked so weak. “Are you okay?” the panic was visible on his face, and she barely nodded.

The very next thing Aisha did was to cover her mouth and run towards the bathroom, Jeonghan hurriedly followed her without any thoughts. Jeonghan never witnessed her morning sickness and as far as he knows morning sickness happens from 2nd month till 4th month. He was caressing her back and drawing circles while Aisha was throwing up. He got so worried; once she was done, he helped her to stand up, “Aisha we are going to visit the doctor right now” She snapped her head to look at him; she tried shaking her head in denial. “We are leaving right now, freshen up and get changed”

“I’ll be fine”

“No, you are coming with me.”

“Jeonghan-”

“You’re my wife, Aisha. I can’t risk your health and our baby’s health.” That’s when Aisha knew she could not argue with him anymore, that’s the end of the conversation.

“I’ll go out and will come back in half an hour max and if you’re done then come down, I will be waiting for you.” and he left her room. Aisha looked at herself, what mess did she create with herself.

While Aisha was getting ready, Jeonghan was getting impatient and getting more and more worried with each passing second. He called the hospital he had been planning to register Aisha since the beginning and then took today’s doctor’s appointment for Aisha.

He called one of his colleagues, “Junho, I might be a bit late today, inform the team.” 

He turned his head to see Aisha walking towards him, “I need to go to a doctor’s appointment with my wife” and he hung up, “I am ready” he nodded and got up from the couch, he went to bring the apple juice, he made for her in the morning, “drink this and we can go” she drank the juice and Jeonghan kept the glass on the table.

“Let’s go” he picked up his keys and walked towards the door. And there was Aisha, wondering how her first day after marriage turned out like this; once they were in the car, Aisha didn’t speak a lot.

“Did you sleep well?” Jeonghan’s eyes were focused on the road but his mind was somewhere else, “Yes I did” Jeonghan felt something was off but didn’t push the thing. He remembers his mother’s words, about not stressing Aisha and what are the things he should do and not do, he was taking care of each and everything.

Once he parked his car infront of the hospital, Jeonghan came out of the car and went to open the door for Aisha, “Jeonghan where are we-”

“Let’s go” he held her hand, this wasn’t the first time he was holding her hand but this was the first time he was holding her hand after getting married and naming their relationship. “But Jeonghan this hospital-” Aisha was surprised because the hospital looked more than fancy to her, “this is the best hospital here and I could not risk with you. Your health is the most important one because you’re the mother” she couldn’t argue back once again, he was right, and Aisha could feel the overwhelming feeling building up inside her. Jeonghan was concerned about her since day one and he always told her to take care of herself and he always wanted her to get registered with this hospital and since they have the whole package for whole nine months and then post-delivery care for the mother and the baby; they provide this along with during delivery bookings.

Aisha would have to do regular visits during pre and post-pregnancy.

Once they entered, Aisha’s grip got a little stronger around Jeonghan’s hand. Jeonghan felt Aisha tensing up a little so he turned his head towards her and lowered to her height “It’s going to be okay” Aisha took a deep breath. Once they went to the reception, Jeonghan told them about the appointment and gladly they didn’t have to wait a lot.

After almost half an hour, it was Aisha’s turn for the checkup. Aisha was holding Jeonghan’s hand because she was nervous but she didn’t know why was she nervous.

Jeonghan knocked on the door, and then Aisha entered the chamber. “Is your husband with you?” Aisha was asked as soon as she stepped in, she nodded. The word ‘husband’ sounded new to her, the fact she was married to Yoon Jeonghan and he was her husband now; it wasn’t even twenty-four hours since they got married. “come with your husband” Aisha took a deep breath before turning her head and calling “Jeonghan?” Aisha’s voice was almost timid. Jeonghan looked at her, “Come inside”.

“Please take a seat” Aisha sat carefully and Jeonghan took a seat beside her. Somewhere or the other Jeonghan felt Aisha getting more and more nervous, and he reached out to hold her hand. The moment Jeonghan held her hand, the warm feeling was enough for Aisha in that moment to feel safe and better. Aisha got her weight and blood pressure checked first then they took a seat infront of the doctor.

“So,” she took a pause and looked at Aisha, “Aisha, how are you feeling?”

“I…” Jeonghan saw how hesitant Aisha was, this was their first antenatal doctor visit as husband and wife and this changed the whole scenario of whatever happened between Jeonghan and Aisha, doesn’t matter how Jeonghan always accompanied her to her check-ups as a friend.

Jeonghan looked at Aisha and blinked his eyes as an assurance. “I was doing well, but today morning, I had morning sickness.”

“What did you eat?”

“I had apple juice in the morning”

“Did you throw up before drinking the juice or after?”

“Before, it was… more like… after I woke up… I threw up.”

“Are you stressing Aisha?” Aisha looked so hesitant, “Did you sleep well? Yesterday night?” Jeonghan squeezed her hand slightly and Aisha looked at Jeonghan once then looked at doctor, “No, I couldn’t sleep well yesterday night”

“Was it stress Aisha?” Aisha nodded slightly, “Can I ask why?”

“It’s okay, you can say it Aisha, there’s no harm in telling and there’s nothing wrong in telling.” the doctor was a very softspoken person, and Jeonghan’s support was helping her to stay true to herself

“I cried, I was crying, I was not feeling well, the overwhelming feeling was eating me and stressing me so much that I couldn’t help but just cry. Tears came out without even asking as if my emotions were making me overwhelming me and making me cry so much.”

“Did you get any sleep at all?” she nodded, “I slept around 2 to 3 am” Jeonghan was feeling apologetic, Aisha didn’t mention anything to him about crying and stressing so much, and he didn’t even know anything. “I don’t know what caused you the stress Aisha but if it’s something between the two of you, then I would suggest, try to solve it and not to stress about it.”

“No, it’s not like that” Aisha was too fast to say this, “I- I have nothing to say”

“Aisha, you shouldn’t take stress, it’s not good for you and your precious baby.” Aisha was feeling overwhelmed. “You have to take care of her, make her feel better.” Then she turned her head to look at Aisha “And Aisha you need to watch good things, can be your comfort movies or random cute movies or listen to songs or do things which can take away your stress. Because babies are very sensitive to anything that mother feels and that’s why a mother shouldn’t stress.”

“Okay doctor” both were in sync this time and the doctor smiled, “I would be your assigned doctor from now on Aisha, you can come and visit me anytime. Okay?” Aisha nodded, “It was nice meeting you Mrs. Yoon” and the doctor smiled at Aisha, “Thankyou so much Ms. Lee” Aisha smiled back, and Jeonghan also thanked her. They left the chamber and Jeonghan was still holding her hand.

Aisha felt bad about not telling Jeonghan about the whole episode she had yesterday because of Seungcheol, how her overthinking self; took her to stress so much.

While walking towards his car, Aisha was silent, more like she was trying to find the right words to tell everything to Jeonghan, from now on Jeonghan is not just a friend who was taking care of Aisha and taking her to check-ups, rather he is her husband and he is supposed to know everything.

Once they were infront of his car, Jeonghan let Aisha get in first then he went inside the car, “Say it Aisha, you want to say something” it always amazes Aisha how Jeonghan can tell so many things about her and read her, like how can he exactly say that she’s struggling or stressing or wanting to say anything. “I-I am sorry”

“Why are you sorry Aisha” Jeonghan turned his head to face her, she was looking at him directly, “I didn’t tell you… and yesterday night I was crying, you are supposed to know these… even the small details… about me and the baby-”

“Our baby Aisha, not the baby or anyone else’s baby, it’s our baby, you are the mother and I am the father.” He corrected her and that’s when she saw the genuine look in his eyes, “I am so sorry Jeonghan, I am-” he put his fingers on her lips, “Stop this sorry game, Aisha, it’s okay. From now on, focus on the good things okay? I want you to be happy. Okay? And I don’t know why you were crying but next time if you feel like crying let me know, I will take away all your stress and make you feel better” Maybe Jeonghan knew she was crying because of Seungcheol but he couldn’t risk anything at all, he can’t bring her name back, not after the doctor told her not to stress. And right now, even the slightest thing can trigger her. Jeonghan had one thing set in his mind, and that was to make Aisha smile more than anything and be by her side. She is his wife now; she is her responsibility and he doesn’t want anything to go wrong.

 He cupped her cheeks, “So, don’t worry. I am there by your side only so don’t think too much, and yes, I should know if anything happens to you, okay?” she nodded. “Thank you Jeonghan” he just smiled at her.

“Now let’s go home?” Aisha nodded and Jeonghan started driving back to their home.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, I love you” and she kissed him. He looked happy and so was she, “I’ll wait for you, too bad I don’t have a night shift tonight and you’re leaving. Bed would be cold without you” Seungcheol was caging her and he didn’t want her to leave. There was a hidden sadness in her face, but she looked at him with eyes full of love. “I’ll be back tomorrow Cheol, I promise I’ll be back tomorrow morning before you leave for work” and she smiled at him.

“text me or call me once you reach, okay?” he was always protective of her, but why wouldn’t he be, after all she was his wife. “I will now get some sleep” She kissed him and left.

She was driving her car and she was thinking about Seungcheol, she looked at the time, it was 08:08 pm exactly, Seungcheol’s birthday date. There was a faint smile on her face but she focused on the road.

“Would you like an upgradation from my girlfriend to my wife?” the way Seungcheol was looking at her while giving the bouquet, no words could describe how he was feeling. She was overwhelmed, but she wanted to be herself and be with him. Seungcheol was her home, her home when there was no one for her.

The moment Seungcheol knelt down, and showed her the ring, “I want you to be my wife, I want to spend my whole life with you, will you marry me?” marriage for Sihyun was something she always dreamed of but marrying the person she loves the most and actually wants to spend her whole life was something she just dreamt of or maybe something like a fever dream but happening infront of her, she was unable to say a single word, tears were threatening to fall, “Ye-Yes” it was her broken voice, Seungcheol heard her voice, and smiled at her, once he took her hand and made her wear the ring, he got up and cupped her face. “I love you so much Sihyun, I love you so much, I can’t live without you”

“I love you too Seungcheol” and he kissed her softly; he would always kiss her softly, for him, she is someone who deserves all the happiness and everything and of course him.

He suddenly lifted her up and twirled her around, “I am so happy Sihyun” he could only hear her laughs and for her, he was her whole world.

She parked the car, and took out her bag and went towards the apartment. Once she was inside, she went towards the lift and pressed the top floor button, she looked at her watch, and in a fraction of a second she was at the top floor.

She went towards the door and pressed the doorbell. “You’re here” Sihyun smiled at Hanuel, “Come inside”

Sihyun stepped inside, and took off her heels then went straight towards the living room. “Want to eat something?” Sihyun shook her head, she was in a conflict in her mind, and in deep thoughts about Seungcheol, “No, I already had dinner with Seungcheol”

“I see, how is he doing?”

“He is good.” Haneul sat facing her, “Is something bothering you?”

Sihyun wasn’t a big opener about her problems, the only person she trusted a lot was Seungcheol, beside that sharing her problems with anyone else felt like a burden to her at times but then she could always use the company of Hanuel and Seungmin. “I don’t know” and she sighed, Hanuel looked at her, Sihyun was always lost in deep thoughts nowadays, it’s been months but she wasn’t opening up, maybe Seungmin knew about it.

“Sihyun if you don’t say what’s the matt-”

“I think Seungcheol was doubting me somewhere but why would he?”

“He’s doubting you?” Sihyun nodded, “Did he drop any hints?” Sihyun nodded. “And these things are making me doubt him, I wonder what is he doing and what not, I never felt like this all these eight years, everything was going smoothly but why now? when everything is going so smoothly. Seungcheol was that person in my life, who taught me how to trust but now? if one single thing happens and falls apart, it’s all over.”

“Don’t worry too much, he won’t know and you’ve a reason Sihyun. You’re not hurting him or something, it’s you. You love him, you can never wish for his downfall.”

“But Hanuel if what I am thinking is true then why would he lie to me, I need to know him, his intentions, I can’t take any betrayal after all these years I spent with him”

“You’re overthinking Sihyun, Seungcheol is not that kind of guy, who would lie to you for so long.”

“But Seungmin? He can never be wrong, and he always tells me the things he found out, if what me and Seungmin are thinking are true then I would be making myself a fool infront of my whole team and family.”

“Don’t overthink too much, Sihyun. Be the way you are.” Sihyun sighed and looked at the time, today it took her almost two hours to come here. “I need to change and then we will leave. Inform Seungmin to come here, and I will go in his car, I can’t risk taking my car this time not after Seungcheol’s car passed through the same place and we were almost about to cross eachother’s path that night”

“Okay” saying that Sihyun took her bag and went to Hanuel’s bedroom to change her clothes.

Once she was inside, she started changing her clothes, a black dress, a black leather jacket, black boots, and a small pendent. She did her makeup lightly and looked at the mirror. “Sihyun, what are you doing?” “This is all for the people who left you alone”

The look was giving her an intimidating vibe; which was enough to let people know this is how a leader should behave. Once she was done with her hair, tying it up in a low ponytail, she came out of the room only to see Seungmin sitting on the couch.

“Are you ready for tonight?” Seungmin asked and she nodded, “Always have to be ready. Is everyone ready?” he nodded, “Everything’s ready and everyone is on their way. And everything is inside my car.”

“Perfect. We need to get this either way.”

“Don’t worry, everything will go your way, and I don’t think they will find us today as well, we’ve been eluding them till now without any problem and today’s a big day for us.”

“Seungmin, we can’t overlook the fact that Seungcheol’s car passed through the same place that night, and last time, it was barely three minutes difference and I cannot risk it again.”

“But you said he is staying home, right?” Seungmin looked serious, Seungcheol was one reason everyone was stressed, “Yes”

“So, don’t worry Sihyun, nothing will go wrong and it’s our day today.” Sihyun was stressed but she couldn’t show it infront of Haneul. She smiled at her, “Yes, let’s get going. We need to reach by midnight and since it will take time, let’s go now.”

They were ready and went down to the basement, Sihyun got inside Seungmin’s car and Hanuel took hers. “Can I drive Seungmin?”

“Do you want to blow off some steam tonight?” Sihyun smiled, Seungmin being her right-handed man, always knew, how driving was her way to release stress and it’s rare for them to go hit the racing circuit after she got married, most of the time spending time with Seungcheol would take away her stress or at times it would be Seungcheol who would make love and Sihyun could never deny him because he always gave her the best cuddles after that and the sleep would be the best one.

“Once we are done with the deal, I’ll let you drive” and Seungmin started the car, “since you’re going back to your husband’s arms tomorrow morning. I know you, can’t even stay away from him Sihyun; you love him so much and it shows it on your face.”

“But sometimes I feel this is wrong, carrying out the whole gang and then going back to his arms as if nothing happened. Sometimes I feel like I will pay the price for being the leader and being happy.”

“You’re doing this for your people Sihyun, never blame yourself and you have every right to be happy. You chose Seungcheol because you love him but you didn’t abandon us so doesn’t matter. You are happy.”

“You know, yesterday we went to meet Jeonghan and his wife, and when I saw Seungcheol holding their little angel in his arms, I realized how badly I want Seungcheol to be the father of our child.” Seungmin stopped the car in the traffic and looked at Sihyun, Sihyun looked like she was somewhere in her own world. The love for Seungcheol was something that always made her weak whenever it came to work, her work was dangerous, and her life was dangerous but living with Seungcheol she was always afraid, of leaving him and what’s coming for her next. She can’t risk everything but she is risking everything because of him after all.

They entered their house and Seungcheol locked the door, “Seungcheol” Sihyun’s voice was barely audible, she was about to go upstairs to their bedroom but she stopped but still didn’t face Seungcheol, she was hesitating, she never felt like this. Till date she always felt having kids is something she can never think about, being a mother and the thoughts of parenting always haunted her and specially after thinking how she saw her family getting killed infront of her eyes, when she was barely nine years. She was reminded of what is her work and whatever is she going to say had the power to flip her whole world upside down. Because one mistake from her side and it’s all over.

She felt Seungcheol’s steps approaching her, soon he wrapped his arms around her waist, “What happened my love?” Sihyun was deep in her thoughts, how would Seungcheol react and what if the past that happened with her repeats? Seungcheol knew she lost her family when she was nine years old but he doesn’t know why. Seungcheol knew her but at the same time he didn’t. “Sihyun” his voice was low, and he rested his head on her head, Sihyun turned around to look at him, “Cheol”

“Yes my love?” and that was it. ‘my love’

“A thought crossed my mind today when you were holding Jeonghan and Luna’s lil angel Mirae, I wondered how would you look holding a lil angel who looked like you, your eyes, your dimples, your smile” a smile spread on Sihyun’s face, “Even I want our little angel to look like you.” Sihyun’s eyes widened in the realization of what he had said, “What do you-” Before she could say anything, he kissed her. Seungcheol always wanted Sihyun’s approval in this matter, he always dreamt of holding their baby that’s why he waited till Sihyun said it. He had faith in Sihyun she would be a good mother and they would make nice parents.

“Looks like my baby is finally ready to take the next step” he looked at her and said, Sihyun was unable to say anything, “I was waiting for you to say” Sihyun realized how much Seungcheol respected her. “I love you so much” and she kissed him, and pulled herself back. Seungcheol held Sihyun shoulder and his other hand was holding her cheeks; he leaned closer and Sihyun could see what he was going to do next. He kissed her and her hands traveled from his shoulder to his neck, Seungcheol pulled her closer and she parted, “I love you too” and kissed her again. Seungcheol parted after they were out of breath and he picked her up in his arms “Let’s make you feel how much I love you” Sihyun smiled at him and buried her head in his embrace

“What did he say?” She looked at Seungmin, who was looking at her, “Even I want our little angel to look like you”

“Isn’t that good?” Seungmin’s voice was low, “You know what happened with my family and why, I am scared Seungmin, I am scared of what’s coming, and having a baby, I can, I want to with Seungcheol, I want to have our own small little family but the fear is still there. And I don’t want my baby anywhere near my work. I don’t want my baby to find out who I am which is impossible Seungmin and then there are chances of everyone getting targeted.” Sihyun sighed

“Don’t stress too much about it Sihyun” Sihyun smiled at Seungmin.

Soon, they reached and Seungmin parked the car. “Everything’s at the back seat” Sihyun nodded and went to check everything at the back seat. “Are the guns loaded?” Seungmin nodded, Sihyun took her gun and kept it with her. “Let’s try not to kill anyone tonight. I don’t want anyone interrupting our deal” Seungmin nodded and they saw Hanuel’s car parking. Hanuel came out of her car with her gun in her hand. Seungmin was holding a briefcase and they all went inside the warehouse.

“Everyone’s ready with everything?” the whole gang was there and they nodded, “Yes ma’am” There was the seat of Sihyun, she was walking gracefully with Seungmin, her right-handed man. Hanuel stepped back and stayed as the incharge of everyone. “Everyone’s safety should be the priority along with our deal, okay?”

“Yes ma’am”

“When are they coming Hanuel?” Sihyun took a seat and asked her, “They are almost here.”

“Good” Once they are in their work mood, there’s no friendship, it’s work relationship. That’s how Sihyun taught herself to handle the whole mafia gangs, she was the leader. Her identity was hidden, she was living a normal life without exposing her identity of mafia leader. She was the leader of Mafia and she handled everything with Seungmin.

“They’re here.” Hanuel said.

Sihyun crossed her legs and nodded, “Let the boss in and everyone stay outside. You too Hanuel.”

“But-” Hanuel was surprised because Sihyun never did this, “I said, OUT EVERYONE.”

“Okay ma’am” Seungmin was with Sihyun, “What’s wrong?”

“I want this deal to be just between us, no interruption Seungmin, I do not want anyone else inside and we can’t let our guards down, no matter what”

Once everyone was outside, it was just Sihyun and Seungmin; the other gang leader entered the warehouse, he was with his man. “Looks like you wanted only me tonight?” Sihyun wasn’t liking the way this man was talking to her, being the leader and a woman she knew, how she could be treated by other leaders but Seungmin was always there by her side, and never let these men get her. Last time a man talked down with Sihyun, Seungmin lost his clam but Sihyun killed him, that’s when there was almost a war because Sihyun killed an underboss.

“Did you forget how I killed him and do you want to be the next guy, who wants to get killed by my precious gun?” there was a smirk on her face.

The guy had his hands up, “Okay, I surrender, I am here for money and you’re here for your weapons, once the deal is done, it’s over”

“Good, come and take a seat.” Sihyun smiled. The man came and took a seat opposite to her, it was the leader of Kwon gang. One of the top gangs and also a ruthless one.

Once they showed each other, whatever they need, Sihyun checked the weapons and Seungmin showed the money. “Looks like this weapon deal is done” the guy had a smirk, and Sihyun smiled, “Yes” she took a pause and leaned towards him, “But always remember not to mess up with my people, I won’t hesitate to kill you and your members next time I see them killing any of my man or trying to hack our systems” Sihyun looked intensely at him, “Okay?”

“Well, you can’t order around like that Kim Sihyun” she had a smirk, “Of course I can, because all of my men are outside, and your people are already taken down. That’s what you pay for trying to hack our system and killing two of my men”

“Are you out of your mind?” she smiled at him, “I wish I was, but that’s how you handle double-faced people. Now get up and walk away, and remember not to mess up with me” he got up and at the same time, Sihyun and Seungmin heard Hanuel’s voice in their in-ear “Seungcheol and a team is almost here, get out of this place with Sihyun. RIGHT NOW.”

“Leave, they are here.” By the time, Sihyun’s voice was heard, everything turned upside down in a second, “Do not wait for me, leave. LEAVE HANUEL, TAKE EVERYONE AWAY I WANT EVERYONE TO BE SAFE.” Sihyun threw her in-ear and looked at Seungmin, “You take everything and leave first”

“No”

“I said, LEAVE.”

“I REFUSE KIM SIHYUN”

“THIS IS AN ORDER” By the time she could say one more word, she heard the door open and she pushed Seungmin, “If you ever cared about me, then leave” and that was it, Seungmin had no choice, and Sihyun didn’t know what was she going to do?

Surrender to Seungcheol? When she doesn’t even know why is he here?

To prove herself right that Seungcheol was lying to her and is an undercover agent?

That Seungcheol was the following her?

“Hands up” and then she heard her husband’s voice. And Seungmin couldn’t leave because of his loyalty, no matter how much Sihyun pushed him away. She could recognize his footsteps, and they were getting closer.

She saw him holding a gun and she was standing there face to face with him. Never in her nightmare, she was prepared for a day like this, standing face to face with Seungcheol and him pointing a gun towards her.

“What are you doing here? You shouldn’t have been here.” He screamed, the anger was visible on his face, he was pointing his gun toward her and in a second, everyone was pointing a gun towards her, “Lower your guns, not a single bullet should be fired and no one should hurt her or I will shoot you myself” his voice was stern, Sihyun rarely saw Seungcheol being pissed but today was something else, it was a blow-off for both of them. No one dared to speak a single word, “But sir-”

“STAND DOWN I SAID” Seungcheol’s voice almost made her flinch, but her expression stayed the same.

“So? Sihyun, how long have you been lying to me about everything?” he asked, his voice was almost unrecognizable to himself, she couldn’t answer and it was very evident that Seungcheol was pissed. She didn’t have any answer, “You also lied to me Seungcheol” and then she looked at him, directly in his eyes. No one had any answer, both were doing their own job, and falling in love was something that was never in their plan and how worse it could be that, the case Seungcheol was assigned and Sihyun was the mastermind and leader of everything. It was her job to protect her team and familia but it was his job to take her down, how could the universe be so cruel?

The pain and hurt were visible in his eyes, he wanted to prove himself wrong tonight, it’s been more than years since Seungcheol was assigned this thing, and he was an undercover agent. He was feeling cheated on his trust, he almost had a fight with his vice-team leader about Sihyun being the leader and he said he would prove them wrong tonight that’s why he lied to Sihyun about going out.

But here he is, standing face to face gun pointed towards his own wife, who was a ruthless gang leader. How could he do this to his own wife?

“You shouldn’t have been here SIHYUN” his screams weren’t helping him at all. There was just silence, no one spoke a single word.

“You shouldn’t have been here not after all this” Seungcheol’s mind wasn't working at all, looking at his wife as the person who was behind all this, she was the prime suspect but he was in denial and now that she is standing infront of him, he was more than shocked and angry.

“Seungcheol, remember I love you but for once in my life, I am going to choose my job” and she took out her loaded gun and pointed at him. Sihyun had no choice. “Let him leave and I will be the one here” Seungcheol, never said no to his wife, for him she was always the priority but he couldn’t even let his emotions take over him right now, he was on his duty. “If I let him go then what are you going to do Sihyun?” if her eyes could tell him how hurt she was when she heard her own name, she wasn’t used to this Seungcheol. “I am the one, you need.” She took a pause and looked at Seungmin, “Let him go.”

“Bring him” Another officer went to bring Seungmin, he was holding Seungmin. “Leave him” Seungcheol agreed and Seungmin had to walk away from the warehouse, Seungcheol knew what he was doing, he was trying to make Sihyun vulnerable and he had his team all over this place, once Seungmin stepped out of this warehouse, he is going to be caught by the officers and he would be taken away from this place.

“Now, put that gun down. You cannot leave this place” she shook her head, “I won’t and mind it, by the time you take me down, everyone would be gone, I saved my members already.” Sihyun’s eyes never looked away from Seungcheol’s eyes, there was a tension only they knew. “I gave you my heart already and there’s nothing left to give you anymore. My love, my heart and my whole life, it’s all yours. The day I realised I was in love, I knew what I was signing up for, the love the betrayal. I kept myself prepared for the day, maybe someone will ask me to surrender for being the leader but, never in my wildest nightmare I imagined you, that you would be here as the officer and telling me to put my gun down?”

“Why would you lie about yourself Seungcheol?” she was hurt, he knew she was hurt. It was his mission, he couldn’t even share this even after getting married, he wanted this mission to be over so that he could tell Sihyun and be happy. Seungcheol was feeling betrayed but on the other hand Sihyun was also feeling betrayed, both were on their duty and the crime of being in love and married to eachother was enough to tear them apart. “I love you Seungcheol and I can give up on my life for you but I can’t betray my family and knowing how they weren’t even my blood but someone I could call my family. And after knowing how much me and my people had to go through, I can’t step back. Do you want to know who made me like this?” Sihyun’s eyes were speaking, Sihyun never opened up totally with her past and Seungcheol was always waiting for her to say it without forcing her. “You and your organization” she had a tight smile “They didn’t take a single step when our family was killed. My own family died infront of my eyes, I never told you, how but my family was killed infront of my eyes when I was just nine years. And the people you’re working with, you call them justice?” she let out a smirk, remembering how she still gets the nightmare of her family getting killed infront of her, it was another reason why she afraid to be with Seungcheol. “It turned a blind eye and that was it.”

“I was alone until I found you.” all the memories of Seungcheol felt like a flashback to her.

“Seungcheol” she took a deep breath, she wanted to be calm and say everything that’s inside her but her heart was beating like crazy because she was nervous. “Your smile heals me. You make me happy and I admire you a lot. You helped me to find a home, a home I can always return back to. I want to give you all the love, more than you deserve. I call you, ‘My Seungcheol’ because you are everything to me. Love is not just a word I can use to describe you, you are a feeling, an emotion for me, you always give me a heart-warming feeling that no one else can ever give to me. You are my own Seungcheol. I will never keep a secret from you and will stay with you in all your happiness and sadness. I am ready to share my life with you and take one more step towards us. I love you too”

Once the exchange of rings was over, the priest then asked, “Do you Choi Seungcheol take Kim Sihyun, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to share your life openly, standing with her in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease to cherish and love forever more?” her eyes were fixed on Seungcheol, and she heard “I Do” it felt like her whole world stopped for him. He smiled at her, his dimples. Another reason she never wanted to let go of him.

The priest turned to Sihyun, “Do you Kim Sihyun take Choi Seungcheol, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to share your life openly, standing with her in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease to cherish and love forever more?” She took a deep breath and replied, “I do”

“You may now kiss your Bride”

The kiss was one overwhelming one and it had so many emotions in them. She couldn’t believe she made this decision, this was the second decision she made for herself. She was happy, she could feel the happiness, just for today she wanted to be the girl she wanted to be, forgetting about her duties as a leader. She wanted to be just ‘Seungcheol’s Wife’

“Why would you do this Sihyun? Why? Was everything a lie?” Seungcheol couldn’t process anything, everything Sihyun told him yesterday about have a little one and being a happy family was coming back to him as a flashback.

“You’re my happiness and my home but seems like at the end of the day you would also leave me. You knew everything about me Seungcheol except one fact, I am the leader you’ve been looking for since years, even before we met, if only I knew this is how it was going to end then I wouldn’t have met you” by this time, Sihyun was tearing up, it reminded of all the best memories Seungcheol gave her. How her life was beautiful after meeting him, “I love you but I hate your organization and now that I know you’re the one who was handling my case, I can’t even hate you. It all fell down.”

“I always had a motto, and that was to ‘die with dignity’” and with that the grip around her gun got tighter, “Thankyou Seungcheol for all these amazing seven years, I love you” and she fired.

The moment the bullet was fired, Seungcheol moved from his place but his bullet hit her right there and against his will he realized he shot her.

“Sihyun” was the last thing she heard before falling into the floor.

And the very next day, it was Seungcheol who received the award standing infront of the whole crowd, he was holding the trophy. He gave his speech and only he knew how much it was hurting. Only he knew, how he saw his wife dying, the tears that were threatening to fall, didn’t deserve to fall. It was the pain of losing his wife, his support system, his love, and the person he trusted the most, but then what is even trust?

He was the one who shot his wife and here he is being awarded for that.

I woke up as soon as I heard my alarm, I felt Seungcheol stir in his sleep. I didn’t want to wake him up, I wanted to be as quiet as possible. Somewhere I didn’t want to tell him about any of this, because I didn’t know if he believed this tradition or not.

I woke up quietly and walked towards the walk-in closet, and after choosing my clothes I went to take a shower. I relaxed as soon the warm water hit my body, all the memories, flood in from yesterday. “Do you have work tomorrow?” I nodded, “but it’s work from home. I have to attend a few meetings that’s it”

“Oh, I thought you had an off day” I looked at him, I wanted him to say because it felt like I was forgetting something but then I wanted to hear it from him. “It’s karwachauth tomorrow so I thought…” he trailed off, and then it clicked in my mind, maa told me about this today morning before I left for work and even told me about the sargi. I don’t even know if he believes this or not. “Oh, no we don’t have off because of karwachauth” he nodded. “All good then and you can tell maa if- his words were cut off because of a call he received. I was getting sleepy either way, I didn’t wait for him when he walked out of the room to talk.

I don’t believe in all these traditions and saw my mom doing everything every year, till last year but there was something inside me, where I wanted to keep the fast.

I got ready and went downstairs, I saw maa already setting the sargi, “Nishita?” I smiled at her, I took her blessings but she held my shoulders and hugged me. “Are you sure?” I nodded, “Here’s your sargi,” She asked me yesterday about the fast and I agreed.

“Eat this before the sunrise.” I nodded. I was about to go towards the room but then the thought of Seungcheol getting disturbed and then asking me so many things, hit me so I didn’t go to my room. “Can I eat it here in the living room?”

“You don’t want to go back to your room?” I shook my head, “Seungcheol is sleeping and I don’t want to disturb him. He came late and then I don’t know when he came to sleep after he received a call at 11:30 pm yesterday.” She held my cheeks and smiled, “You care for him so much Nishita” I smiled at her. “Everyone deserves some rest and I have work from home today so it’s fine for me, but he should get enough rest” She kissed my forehead, “He is lucky” I smiled.

I ate my sargi and once I was done, I went to keep the plates in the sink. Despite our arranged marriage, I always wondered how would things turn out after marriage, he gave me the personal space whenever I needed, and he never forced me into anything, things were changing, it’s been nine months after our marriage already, and for me, things were slowly changing. The care he showed even without asking me was something that always got me. And the least I could do for him was to fulfil the traditions I should do as his wife.

I looked outside and it was already sunrise, and I looked at the clock, it read 6:33 am

I went back to my room, well aware of Seungcheol’s alarm of 7:00 am. He usually works out in the morning for like one hour, so it’s his time to get up. I went to take out my laptop, to check everything for the meeting I had to attend. I was holding my Mac and walked towards the bed, and I was surprised to see Seungcheol awake, “Nishi?”

“Seungcheol?”

“You’re already awake?” I nodded at his words. His eyes went to the laptop I was holding, “do you have a meeting now?”

“No, but I need to check a few things before the meeting because I would be talking to the client mainly.” Another reason was to distract myself today and I wanted to ask him why was he awake, since it wasn’t even 7 am yet. He looked lost, and we were just looking at each other, more like staring at each other.

“Subah ho gai?” I nodded

“Umm, good morning” I looked at him and replied, “Good morning” We didn’t do this usually, what’s gotten into him?

“I will go get ready.” I nodded and kept my Mac on the night table. Once he went towards the closet, I fixed the bedsheets and went to sit on the bed with my Mac.

I saw him walking back with his sweatshirt on, I looked at him, “I am going for workout” I nodded at him. I was checking files, then it hit me. It was already 7 am and I had to make breakfast.

I closed my Mac and went downstairs, I saw maa already inside the kitchen, “You’re here?” she looked at me, “Yes, how could I not help you in making breakfast?”

“But you don’t have to do a lot of work today because in the evening we have to do the preparations. So don’t stress too much and you’ve two meetings today.”

“It’s fine maa, and making breakfast is a daily thing, why an exception today?” she looked at me and smiled, “You’re just so beautiful”

“what were you planning to make today?” I asked her, and I went to wash my hands, “something Seungcheol likes” I turned my head to her, “something he likes?” she nodded, “do you want to cook something else?” I shook my head, “he likes Sabudana Khichdi aur Rawa Uttapam” She smiled at me, “Let’s make both and Sangyeon wanted to eat Sabudana ki kichadi yesterday, so I soaked Sabudana overnight, already” I saw, the bowl and went to drain it, “you can cut the vegetables for uttapam, I will do this.” She nodded and once drained, I dry-roasted peanuts, I personally didn’t like peanuts but he did.

Once done, I started making it carefully, and to my surprise, today it turned out nicely; I looked over maa, and noticed she was almost done with the chopping and preparations for rava uttapam. “Maa, let me do this”

“You already made Sabudana” I looked at her, “it’s fine. You can go and check up on others, I can do this. I don’t have any work right now as well” She gave up after I insisted, for some unknown reason I wanted to make breakfast today maybe because I was very relaxed and had no work or I was just bored.

It didn’t take a lot of time to cook for everyone, I was almost done and then I heard maa “Go and call Seungcheol, it’s breakfast time” I kept everything and nodded at her. “I will set the table for everyone.”

I went to our room and I saw Seungcheol buttoning his white shirt, I shook my head and sighed. Doesn’t matter how many times I told him not to walk like this, infront of him but he is like ‘It’s my house, I can walk however I want, I can be naked anytime I want’

His strong scent filled the whole room, I walked towards him, “Breakfast’s ready, maa is calling” Once he was done with his shirt, he took out the tie. He looked at me, “help me?” I sighed and took the tie. Despite his height I managed to help him with his tie, unknowingly today I noticed, we were standing way too close, his breaths were hitting my collarbone which was making it difficult for me to focus on his tie.

“And you’re done” I took a step back and almost stumbled back, but he was quick to hold my waist and pull me closer, “Be careful Nishi” his voice was deeper than usual, the moment he let go of my waist, I let out the breath I was holding.

“Let’s go for breakfast, it’s almost time.”

“I have to leave, I have a meeting” I turned to look at him, “meeting?”

“Yes, I was supposed to tell you yesterday but when I came back to room, you were asleep.”

“But I made your favorite...sabudana” I almost whispered the last word.

“I’m sorry, I’ve to leave” He went out of the room and I followed him, almost disappointed but then I understand, him being the CEO and doing everything. I knew he had work but skipping breakfast? It’s something he never did and rather always tells everyone else that they shouldn’t skip their breakfast.

“Seungcheol” both of us turned to look at maa, “aa jao khane, Nishita ne pyaar se banaya hai aaj”

“Aaj nehi maa, meeting hai.”

“Lekin, Nishi ne bahut pyaar se banaya hai”

“Maa, it’s okay.” He turned to look at me, he had apologetic eyes.

“I’m sorry” I shook my head and gave him a tight smile, “it’s okay, I get it.” Whereas this was the first time he was skipping breakfast.

He went out in a hurry and I looked at Sangyeon and papa, enjoying breakfast. Sangyeon was almost taken aback when maa informed that I was fasting today.

*****

After I was done with the meetings, I looked at the time, it was already evening. I was getting sleepy and tired, I heard a knock on the door. “Are you done for the day?” I looked at maa, walking towards the bed where I was sitting. I nodded, “all done”

“Good, everything’s almost done, I wanted to inform you that, there’s a ritual which is followed in our house, which is you have to wear your wedding saree today.” I nodded, “okay I will get ready”

“Once you’re ready come downstairs.” I nodded.

I looked at the time, it was already 6 pm which meant Seungcheol should have come by now. I shrugged off the thoughts and went towards the walk-in closet, to check my wedding saree.

After searching a bit, I found my saree. I took everything out and went to change. After changing into the saree and fixing everything perfectly, I looked in the mirror and started getting ready. I wore my kajal and eyeliner. I applied liptint and once I was done with my hair, I looked at myself and smiled. I picked up my earrings and wore it. Somewhere my mind was stuck with Seungcheol, why was he late? Would he make it today when the moon will come out? Did he believe in this?

I was skeptical about everything, and him leaving early today, and missing breakfast was something I never thought I would witness. I knew the meaning of the fast, it was for his wellbeing, and it didn’t matter if he believed it or not but I was unsure myself…now

I tried to smile looking at the mirror.

I was ready, so I went downstairs and there I saw the way everything was kept and decorated; “Nishita, come here” I went to sit beside maa, we had to decorate the kalash and other things, once everything was done and kept in the thali, we had to go to the terrace

The moment I stepped on the terrace, I was getting anxious, because there was no sign of him yet.

**********

SEUNGCHEOL

I looked at the time, didn’t matter how much I wanted to have coffee, I resisted eating or drinking anything today.

I don’t know if Nishi believed in all these traditions but I wanted to keep the fast for her; I didn’t believe in these until she came to my life. There was something about her which always told me to believe everything, let it be god, fate or destiny.

I felt at my worst when I told her I wouldn’t be having my breakfast, knowing she made my favourite and the disappointment on her face was visible. The whole day she was stuck in my mind, I knew how much karwachauth meant for my mother, I always admired her for all these; not knowing I would be doing this one day for my own wife.

woh vrat nehi rakhegi toh mai rakhlunga, that’s what I told myself.

Once I was done with all the meetings and everything, I walked down to the basement to drive back home. I looked at the time, hoping I wasn’t very late.

The moment I reached home, I saw no one downstairs, were they on the terrace already? I came across Sangyeon who was already wearing a kurta, “where’s Nishi?”

“Bhabi?” he looked at me, “She’s with maa on the terrace. You should go and wait for the moon, it’s almost late bhai, what were you even doing this late” he walked past me.

I went to our room and saw, my kurta set on the bed, “did Nishi take these out for me?” I was about to call her but I remembered she wasn’t here, she was with maa.

I changed my clothes and got ready. I went to the walk-in closet and took out the payal I brought for Nishi, more or less this was our first karwachauth and how could I let it go like this?

I kept them inside my pocket and went upstairs.

The moment I reached the rooftop, I almost stopped my steps when I saw her turning around to look at me, she was wearing the saree that she wore at our wedding, I could never forget the look on her face.

Right now, she looked so pretty, with her half-braided hair, pretty earrings, pretty eyeliner, her golden chain, and her mangalsutra. The way she looked right now, I was ready to keep all the fasts for her, so that she could shine brightly like the moon in my dark days, I wanted to give her all the happiness she deserved, she didn’t deserve to shed a single tear in her life. And I was here to make sure she received all the happiness.

 I walked towards her, almost in surprise; she was holding the thali which had everything.

Once I was standing infront of her, she gave me a tight smile, “I almost thought you would be very late”

“And here I thought you didn’t believe in any of these?”

“I didn’t believe in these but felt like you believed in this and I had faith in you” She almost whispered those three words which were enough for me to hear. “Chand dikh gaya” she hurriedly, put her pallu over her head, she looked so beautiful, just the way she looked that night, when we were getting married. Nothing could compare to how beautiful she looked.

She lit up the diya, then kept the diya on the sieve then while looking at the moon through the sieve she poured the water from the kalash. I watched her do everything and somewhere my heart wanted to capture the moment forever, the adoration and dedication in her eyes told me something else. She kept the empty kalash on the other side and then turned to look at me through the sieve. I was looking at her through the sieve, and I was lost in her eyes.

Her eyes always pulled me closer to her, there was always something in her that pulled me closer and made me fall in love with her, they say marriages always happen if there’s love but then how would anyone explain this? I fell for her the moment I saw her in saree at our wedding. The way she looked at me told me, already that I fell for her. The admiration on her face was nothing compared to billions of diamonds. She was the most precious diamond I ever had.

She gave me a smile through the sieve and she was about to keep the sieve on the other side but before she could do that, I held the sieve and looked at her, she was taken aback.

“Seungcheol?” I smiled at her

“I found my moon.” She was surprised, I could say she never thought I would do this.

“fast rakhe ho?” I didn’t reply to her and I heard my mother, “Tu manta bhi nehi tha yeh sab, aur aaj kya hua?”

“Chand mili hai mujhe apni, toh itna karna toh banta hai na agar isko hamesha apne paas rakhna hai aur aise hi chamakta hua dekhna hai toh? Meri chaand itna toh deserve karti hi hai maa” She looked lost. I couldn’t tell if she was surprised, or was overwhelmed, or taken aback.

Once done, I took out the diya from the sieve and kept it on the thali, and the sieve on the table. After that, she did the arti, and I was smiling throughout the time, she looked so beautiful even with the light of the flame. I took the kalash from the thali and I helped her drink the water and broke her fast.

“Ab meri baari jaan” that last word just slipped out of my mouth unknowingly and I was almost flustered, but nothing compared to how flustered she looked.

“Seungcheol?”

 “Vrat Rakha hai, paani pilaogi tabhi tutega” she smiled at me and helped me drink the water.

She held the thali and fixed the pallu, and before she could bend down and touch my feet, I bent down and touched her feet. She was taken aback, well I have seen my mother do this to my father but here I wanted Nishi to give another place in my life.

I took the gulab jamun from the thali and gave her a bite, she took it from me and gave me a bite.

“Now one more thing, you deserve” She looked at me confused, “Ab kya baaki hai?”

“Fast bhi rakh liya mere liye, aur kya chahiye mujhe?” I bend down and patted my thighs, “Kya?”

I took out the box and showed her the payal, “Aaj hamara pehela karwachauth hai, toh yeh meri taraf se, ek chota sa taufa” she extended her leg and kept the feet on my thigh, I didn’t care if everyone in our family saw us, this was supposed to be our moment but couldn’t help if this because the public display of affection.

Once I put the payal around both her feet, I kissed her feet lightly. I got up, “thankyou so much” The urge to kiss her was getting high.

My hands cupped her cheeks, “pata hai kitni pyaari lag rahi ho aaj” she smiled at me.

She smiled at me and stole my heart again.

“Aise smile na kiya karo, jaan leni hai kya meri?” this was the first time I was this open with myself and my feelings, my feelings were taking over me.

“Maine kuch bhi- before she could complete her sentence, I kissed her.

“You’re looking so pretty” I looked around, and saw my family members coming towards me and applying haldi on me, I looked at myself and saw myself wearing a yellow sharara, I saw my sister coming towards me and hugging me tight. “Hope you stay happy always like this, even after marriage” and somewhere my emotions were lost the moment someone told me this, I couldn't even recognize the voice at that point.

“Shua, I want to wear different outfits for all the ceremonies but too sad, you won’t be able to see me.” I smiled at him and he just laughed and pulled me closer in his embrace, “But you’re going to be my wife, so I would get a lifetime to watch you wear your favorite clothes” and he pinched my nose playfully. “I want to get married twice, one in all the traditions we follow and another one in your way. I don’t want to miss out on wearing a white gown and kissing you infront of everyone.”

“I’ll fulfill all your wishes, my love.”“I love you so much, Joshua”

“I love you too meri jaan” and he smiled at me once again, his smile was something that healed me every time.

“You look pretty Mishka, he is so lucky” and my mom kissed my forehead, I tried to look at her but somewhere I just couldn’t look at her at all, not after all this.

Everyone looked so happy and seemed like they were enjoying it every second, I tried to smile at them but I failed terribly. There was something wrong with me because I couldn’t express my emotions anymore. I failed to show them how I felt, as if my mind wanted to show them but my heart refused to do anything. It was the sign I lost, we lost.

“I would be the in-charge of the decorations, I want everything to be golden.”“You surely love the golden colour a lot Mishka” and he laughed and it was melody to my ears, “Yes I do and I love one more thing” he looked at me confused, “You” and I kissed him.

“You just know how to steal kisses.” And he pulled me closer by my neck and kissed me again. Every time I kissed him, I kissed him like it was my last kiss and I loved the feeling so much. I want to kiss him till the time I can’t kiss him anymore and I want to remember how he felt.

“Joshua”

“Yes, love”

“Do…you think…”“Think?” he was looking at me and I was feeling nervous, I wanted to say it loud, but he suddenly cupped my face. “What’s wrong?”

“I should tell them about us, it’s been eight years… already” “Mishka” he kissed me again and then looked at me, “if you want to tell your parents about us, you can. I’ll be there with you. We will go and talk to them, they will accept us.”

“Mishka, your mehendi looks so pretty” I turned to look at the person doing my mehendi, and here I wanted to put his initials. “And it’s done” The moment I looked at my hand, I saw the way my hand had someone else’s name’s initial, a stranger whom I don’t even know. I wanted to run away, but two things stopped me, Joshua’s thoughts and then my own family’s reputation. If I wanted, I could’ve taken a step and ran away already, but Joshua’s thoughts stopped me from doing anything.

It was raining and I ran outside, “Mishka, stop” I wanted to dance in the rain. “You’ll fall sick Mishka” For once I didn’t want to listen to his words, he always tells me I will fall sick but then he is the one who takes care of me so falling sick is worth it since he’s with me.

He suddenly came and picked me up, “Shua, oh god”

“I love you so much Mishka, I can’t explain. I want to marry you as soon as possible and want to make you mine officially.” I smiled at him, he had never confessed to me like this directly, and for marriage. He puts me down and looks at me, “Mishka, do you want to marry me?” I smiled at him, “And what makes you think that asking me like this would change my answer?” he looked nervous, “If I don’t marry you then I don’t know what will happen” “And I can never see you being someone else’s, so if you don’t marry me, I will die.”

“And I will never let that happen” and I kissed him. Losing him was never an option for me. He was my everything, he found me when I was left in the dark, and he was there for me when I was alone. And if I don’t get to be with the person I love the most, I have no idea what will I do ever in my life.

I parted and looked at him, “So will you marry me?” I nodded, “Yes, Joshua, I would be ruining my life if I said no to you” and he kissed me again under the rain.

I looked at myself, wearing the red lehenga, and I didn’t know how to respond to any of the fact, that I was getting married and my thoughts were interrupted, “Di, someone came to see you-”

“Mishi”

I turned to look at Joshua, Mishti was standing near the door and then there was Joshua beside her, “I would be leaving di, just know I am here for you.”

He walked towards me and hugged me tight, “Mishka, I can’t” I wanted to hug him tight, but my hands refused to move, no matter how much I wanted to hold him tight and cry in his embrace, he was home for me. He parted and cupped my face, “Mishka, let’s go. Let’s leave this place”

“Mishi, this is not what we want, it’s against our wish, let’s go. You’re not happy, I know it Mishka. I will take you somewhere you don’t have to suffer alone.”

“Joshua…”

“What happened Mishka? I am here for you, just for you. Let’s go, I know we can’t end like this.”

“Joshua, jo hona tha woh ho gaya, ab kuch nehi kar sakte hain, mere haatho me zanjeeren hai, koi reha nehi kar sakta aur.” (Joshua, we can’t do anything now, it’s all done, I am tied with shackles in my hand, and no one can free me anymore)

“Mishka, was it a lie?” and I had no answer, I couldn’t tell him directly, that, they told me they would kill him, if I went back to him.

“Maa, please listen to me once. Maa please” I was banging on the door but no one was listening to me, I wanted to run away. I want to run away from here and never come back. My tears were falling like no tomorrow.

“Mishka one more word and you know what can your dad do.”

“Maa, no. You won’t do anything. YOU CAN’T DO THIS!! Maa!!” I was banging on the door and then heard her unlock the door. The moment I saw her face, I started crying more, I wiped my tears and the moment I was about to say something hoping she would give me a chance to speak but she slapped me hard. She locked the door and dragged me towards my bed and pushed me there.

“One more word and Mishka-

Enough was enough, how could she do this to her own daughter?

“What was his fault? What was my fault? We just fell in love”

“Mishka you better- I wanted to scream, but the moment our eyes met, she shouted “Do you not know your dad? Do you not know what are the things that means a lot to your dad? And fault? We let you study outside and you do this to us?” “What did I do maa?” I walked towards her, my tears didn’t want to stop, they refused to listen to me for the first time. “If falling in love is a crime then yes, I did it. I DID IT” and another slap, “you are going nowhere and you are breaking up with him. You will leave him and get married to the guy we choose for you, who is right for you.” She was about to leave, but then turned back to look at me, “You don’t remember your limits? He’s a guy from a different religion and we are never saying yes to that. We can’t allow you, and remember society and reputation are everything for us.”

“Maa-” “Give up Mishka, I am against it. And don’t even think about running away, because I’m warning you again, your dad can go to any limits to separate you from him.” and that’s when I understood she wasn’t even joking, they can kill him, kill us anytime they want.

“We can’t Joshua” And I never told him the exact reason, because knowing him, he would not even regret telling me, he wanted to be together with me, didn’t matter if he stayed or died.

“We still have time, if you want we can run away right now and no one will get to know, we will go somewhere far” I took a deep breath and shook my head, clearly knowing what is going to be the consequence if I take this step, they will hunt me down and kill all of us.

“Joshua, we can’t”

“Joshua, we can’t be together, please move on from me.”

“Mishka-”

“Joshua.”

“Mis-”

“Joshua, we can’t, they will kill us. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING.” And that was the moment, I couldn’t hold back anything, if I knew I was going to be a coward for all my life then I wouldn’t have started any of this at all. I can’t even be happy with the person I love.

“And I had to choose, to see you getting killed or give up on us. And I choose you to be happy, happy without me.”

“Uss din se hamare saari bitaye lamhein, uss yaadon ke kamre me band ho gai” (that day all moments we spent together got locked in the room of our memories)

The moment he walked away from that room, I felt my heart shattering each second and into millions of pieces. I was the one who chose this for myself, letting go of the person whom I loved the most, even more than my own life. My choices in life were the ones which made me suffer the most but falling in love with him was never a choice, it was like fate and a string that was pulling me towards him and I went on with it.

I looked towards the door, from where he left, and saw Mishti coming inside, “Di, it’s time to go. Everyone’s waiting for you.” I took a deep breath and she hugged me tight, “Di, I hope he will understand” I hugged her tight, if only I could tell this to myself, but marriage? It’s the bond that holds two people together and there’s no turning back from the promises that would be made. “He can’t and so do I. I can’t make myself understand anything Mishti. I am hurting the person whom I love the most and it’s hurting me more.”

From there I don’t even remember how I walked down the aisle and I was already sitting beside the person with whom I was getting married, my face had no emotion. I couldn’t bring myself to look at anyone else. “Mishka, bring your hand forward” I was trying to focus on whatever was going on, but my body wasn’t responding to any of the words; I barely heard what maa said. I didn’t want to bring my hand forward, if I brought my hand and kept my hand on his, it would bind us forever in this sacred bond. “Mishka” Once more I hear her saying my name.

“Mishka” the moment I heard my name again but this was a different voice, I looked straight. I thought my eyes were deceiving me but I saw him walking towards me “You look so pretty Mishka, I always imagined you wearing this bridal lehenga, and look at you, you look so pretty but one thing I never imagined was, you wearing this and getting married to someone else.” and I couldn’t process anything, “you look so lovely Mishka, it feels like one of my dreams came true, partially I am so happy I got to see you in this.” I never interrupted him, but his voice was getting shaky, something which never happened to him, “Your parents came to visit me, they told me, they would never say yes and in the end, you chose them” “I am asking you for the one last time” and I could see the desperation on his face, “Take my hand and let’s runaway. I can’t see you getting married to someone else” he stopped, not very close to me and not very far from me.

There was silence, I almost couldn’t say anything, I wanted to say yes so badly but my whole family was holding me back, all the moments we spent together were flashing in front of me. I took a deep breath and was about to speak “Josh-”

“Looks like your silence and hesitation gave me the answer. Mishka, I love you so much that I can never explain in words, but one thing I can never do is, tumko kisi aur ka hote dekhna, I can never do that. I meant everything I told you that day.” He took out a gun and pointed at himself, and my reflexive action was to stand and run towards him, “Love and religion fought. We lost. We tried we tried so much, but in the end we lost. I will love you forever” And he shot himself, even before I could reach him, and his lifeless body was lying infront of me. I fell on my knees, I was holding his body, I tried shaking him, but there was no response, I wanted to hold his hand. The blood painted him and painted me red, I couldn’t see anything anymore. “Joshua, Joshua please wake up” I was shaking his body, I couldn’t do anything anymore, “Joshua, please wake up, let’s go”

I felt people coming towards me, all the emotions I was holding back, my tears came out and I was crying, I couldn’t stop.

“Mishka” and it was my mom, she was trying to pull me by my arm, but this time I pulled my arm back. I was holding Joshua’s hand and looked at her. “Dekh liya kya kar diya, khushi mil gai aap logo ko,” my mind wasn’t working anymore, “Losing yourself is better than losing the person you love and I saw the love of my life killing himself infront of me do you think I am in my right mind right now.” I grabbed the gun, “Mishka leave that”

“Mishka drop the gun”

“Mishka, don’t”

But all I could hear was his voice, his last words telling me he loved me. My ears were hearing his voice, my eyes never moved from his body. The fact, that the golden kurta he was wearing was now painted in red. I was going feral with each passing second, I was dying each second. I closed my eyes for a second and looked at my maa papa. I saw someone dragging Mishti away from me, I loved her but I loved him as well, he is alone, and he has no one here right now. I couldn’t leave him alone like this when he never left me.

I took a deep breath, perfectly knowing what was coming for me. five years… freaking five years. I’ve been almost waiting for this day every second, anticipating it. But now, the time has come and here I am, inside my car. I took a deep breath, adjusting everything for once. “Are you ready?”

“I need to win. I’ve been waiting for this.”

Once I heard the gunfire, I started driving. I had one thing in my mind, that was to win. I need to win and show how he taught me well. All the memories started flooding inside my brain, “I hope when I will win next time, you would be there standing beside me and cheering up for me” his words felt like echoing in my ears. I didn’t let anything distract me, not even his memories.

“You need to use all your focus on the road, press the accelerator, and then press break after some time, you can start drifting once you are stable enough.” I nodded at his words. “Racing is not very tough but not very easy, you need focus” I kissed him quickly while he was talking, “And now that’s a distraction Shasha” he looked at me, I had his undivided attention, as if I was his everything for now. He leaned closer to me, he took my hand, and placed it on the steering wheel, “you can’t be distracted like this” he leaned closer, his one hand was on me, which was holding the steering wheel and another was the on the window, caging me between him.

“one distraction and you lose focus, which means you lose the race” With each word he was saying, he was leaning closer bit by bit, and the moment he mentioned losing the race, our noses almost touched. I was trying, to focus on him but I was getting distracted by how his hands were resting on mine on top of the steering wheel, “so,” he kissed me, once “Don’t” he kissed me again “Do” and again “this” he kissed me again and looked at me, “ever again” and he kissed me pushing me back. his hand was gripping my hand; his other hand which was on the window, reached my waist and pulled me closer to him, he groaned in between the kiss, asking for my permission for the tongue. My hand went to hold him, so that I don’t fall back but he pulled me closer again.

“you’re the only distraction I have right now but I want us in the podium, standing next to eachother” he smiled and kissed me again.

I was too focused on the track when this memory flooded in. I was hearing the commentary and keeping track of my and Seungcheol’s car subconsciously. I was feeling better every time I completed one lap. Everything reminded me of how I cheered for Seungcheol whenever he would complete one lap and then continue being ahead of others and finally win. One after another lap, I needed to win. I was putting all my trust in myself and so did my teammates.

“You are learning way too fast. You’re not supposed to learn this fast, how am I supposed to enjoy if you learn this fast Shasha” I could hear him while he tried to match my pace. I couldn’t blame him for this, I was always interested in bikes, cars, and speed but never got the chance to learn because my parents were always against it and after meeting Seungcheol, life got better.

Soon, I parked my bike near Seungcheol’s house and got down, I saw Seungcheol, almost throwing his helmet and walking towards me. I couldn't even take one more step when his hands reached for my neck and pulled me for a kiss. His body pressed towards me, and making me almost lean on my bike, but his other hand was on my bare waist, pulling him closer to him. “you’re a fast learner, and pretty attractive in this racer outfit” he looked at me, his breaths hitting my face, “doesn’t mean I would lose you to a random guy, with whom you seemed to have fun talking randomly while driving, what did I say about focus. He was expecting me to answer, which I gladly would, because watching this Seungcheol all worked up because he was jealous was fun. ‘you need to use all your focus on-

Before I could complete the word ‘road’ he kissed me, that was a rough kiss but who was I to complain, I was enjoying it. His fingers doing things to my bare waist, mental note, never wear a crop top then a leather jacket when I am with Seungcheol, he will drive me insane. “me” he said in between kiss and kissed me harder again. Whenever he would be jealous, he would make an excuse but at times he would just kiss me to let me know how jealous he gets at times.

“don’t do that again, I don’t want you to get into an accident, love”

 “Are you saying this because you’re scared of me getting into an accident or jealous to control yourself when I talk to other guys while driving” I was teasing him, he knew it.

“I don’t get jealous, because I am your boyfriend and you’re mine.” He came closer and decreased the distance between us again, I could feel his breaths again. I was ready to kiss him again but then, he stepped back, I was about to let out a breath because of disappointment, and then he put both of his hands on my cheeks right away and kissed me.

“I get jealous because I love you” I smiled in between the kiss

The whole thing could be an amazing win. So, I needed to win.

Every time I completed a lap, the crowd cheer felt nice, all the cheering, everything felt very well deserved because of the hardwork I did till now. I didn’t realize, it was already the last lap, and I overtook the only car which was infront of me, pressing the accelerator and the finish line was a few meters away, I could easily, reach the finish line in a few minutes. I was focused on everything, my focus was on the finish line, that one line, I wanted to complete, to show my parents that I wasn’t some loser.

“You are not meeting him again, that’s it.” I looked at my dad in disbelief, had he not caught me driving with Seungcheol four days ago. I was grounded, being, twenty-three and almost having no freedom to do anything.

“Because you’re leaving today in a few hours, everything is ready. You will go study.”

 “I am not leaving.” He gave me my flight tickets, “Shasha,, don’t you remember how you came injured one time and you lied about it, but come to think about it, you fell from a bike” I wasn’t even injured badly, I got a few scratches. “I can’t see you getting involved in any kind of accident because of racing, so you’re leaving. You can’t do anything” and I had to leave him without words. Somewhere I knew how things could go downhill if I didn’t agree with my dad. He could do any kind of harm to Seungcheol because he knew him and had connections all over the world.

But after I went to Switzerland I started driving, learning with all the hardwork along with my studies. I had one thing in my mind while leaving, and that was to keep the thing alive within myself which was gifted by Seungcheol, because we won’t be having contact anymore. I hated to leave but I had to.

“You can never do anything in this, it’s something which you are doing under the influence of your boyfriend, and this is what you get.”

I always told myself, I could do everything I wanted to. One good thing that happened after dad sent me to Switzerland, was I got better and better in my driving. And driving on this racetrack was the result of my hardwork; representing one of the best teams in less than two years, was something I never thought of. I needed to prove to my parents today that it was all worth, racing was all worth the whole championship. I was all excited to win this race because the car which I overtook was long gone. Few more seconds and I would be standing on the podium.

“Seungcheol’s car crashing because-” I pressed the brakes, without thinking twice. My whole body went stiff, I couldn’t focus on it anymore when I heard those three words ‘Seungcheol’s car crashing’. My car, drifted but I couldn’t reach the finish line, I got out of my car and ran towards Seungcheol’s car, making my heartbeat fast every second I was taking a step towards him.

I couldn’t hold myself anymore and ran towards his car, not caring about other cars passing by at speed. I somehow opened the door of his car and tried pulling him out. Tears were falling constantly. It reminded me of how I was about to get into an accident once while learning and Seungcheol almost crying holding me tight; telling me how he can’t lose me ot the thing he loves the most.  It felt like I was getting a déjà vu except the fact, it was Seungcheol who actually got into a car crash.

 I couldn’t wait for the paramedical team to come, why are they even late? “WHERE’S THE PARAMEDIC TEAM???” I was so annoyed, I couldn’t understand, couldn’t they see the car crash, and about the car crash I very well know who it could be.

Wish I was strong enough to pull him out “Seungcheol” I was calling out his name, but there he was stuck inside the car. Soon the paramedic team arrived and pulled him out. I was feeling numb, everything I was feeling for the past few minutes faded away, all the excitement, nostalgic memories, the passion that I had to win. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him, on the podium together, celebrating our victory but didn’t expect I would be meeting him like this.

Once the paramedic team took him towards the medical room on the stretcher, I was trying to calm myself down.

“I’m leaving with them. Over.” I took off my headset and almost threw it; not caring about anything else, the whole audience, my teammates, everyone was in shock, I could feel my boss threatening to kick me out of the team but I followed the paramedic team in tears.

I was sitting, while waiting for him to gain consciousness. With each passing second, I was worried about him, I was supposed to be worrying about my career, the race, the podium, my boss, my teammates how I let them down, and my own parents whom I wanted to show that I could do this, this is something I wanted to do. I was feeling messed up until I saw him gaining consciousness, I looked at him. He looked lost, “Seungcheol”

“What are you doing here?” the shift in his voice, took me aback, I should’ve expected this after what I did five years ago.

 “What do you mean?” I wiped my tears, trying to make my voice stable.

“You were supposed to be in the podium, holding that trophy” he tried sitting up, when I extended my hand to help him, he stopped me.

 “I didn’t complete the race.” I looked at him.

“What were you thinking?” the authority he had while questioning to me, even my boss didn’t talk to me like that “Did I teach you to drive like that and leave the race when you were about to win?”

“Seungcheol, I don’t give a shit about the race when it comes to you.” I had it enough, how could he even ask that to me?

“Did I teach you THAT?” I almost flinched, when he raised his voice at me, he never did.

 “But I couldn’t leave you like that” The horror I felt a few minutes ago, flashed infront of my eyes; almost making me tear up. This was important for me but he was more important for me. I was learning everything because I wanted to meet him, this was the only way to meet him. I couldn’t let myself down when I promised him that we would be standing beside each other on the podium after the race finishes.

“But you left me.” his words were stern as if he had no emotions left for me. “I didn’t want to, I had no other choice.”

“You left me, Shasha. You LEFT me.”

 “I DIDN’T WANT TO” and my tears were almost choking me. How do I explain to him, that I had no choice back then but to agree with whatever my father chose for me, that was the only thing I could do for us.

I was shaking my head in denial, I looked at him, five years… five years; I waited for him. I wanted to see him, smile at me or maybe I expected too much by hoping he would hug me as soon as he will see me and maybe tell me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. But it felt like I was shattering myself only by expecting too much from a guy whom I loved so dearly.

“You were the reason, I could bring myself here, I had no other way. I wanted to prepare myself to face you but then, it looked like I was the only one missing you and hoping for a second chance.” He looked at me, I wanted him to pull me closer and wipe my tears.

He sat up facing me, “You left me Shasha, nothing could change the fact.”

“I had no choice Seungcheol, why don’t you understand that? All these years, I was longing for you, waiting for the right time to meet you, tell you everything and I didn’t expect to meet you like this? in a fucking car crash where I could see my own life flashing right infront of me”

“You didn’t have to lose the race for me?”

 “And it was okay to lose you?” I questioned him, if he thinks this race was important than him, then I needed to prove him wrong, nothing is more important than him.

“You lost me once already. You were long gone even before I knew that you had left me. Tell me Shasha, did I really deserve that kind of treatment? I was so broken and there wasn't even a way to find my answers...I didn't know what questions to ask because we were so perfect back then. We were so happy and you just decided to break it all off without any explanation. I didn't need you to lose the race for me Shasha. I needed you to give me a chance.... or at least some answer. Do you have any idea the kind of self-deprecating thoughts I have had since then?”

 “I...I am so sorry Seungcheol. I don’t know how to explain what happened. In the simplest of words,” I tried to not choke on my tears, trying to give him the explanation he deserves “My parents found out about us that day I went back home. I was grounded for 4 days, without internet or phone or email someone who could have conveyed my message to you. Seungcheol I wanted to tell you but the next moment I was allowed to step out of the room was when my dad handed me the flight ticket. They sent me to another country and I had no way to contact you from the other side of the world. I am sorry but I really wanted to tell you at least once that I loved you then. I really did. But my dad could have ruined your career and I couldn’t risk your chance at getting your happiness. You had worked so hard for it. So between my love and your career, I chose your happiness.”

“Shasha, look at me” his eyes softened and he pulled me to sit beside him on the bed.

“What did I tell you about distractions?” he took a pause “One distraction and you lose focus, which means you lose the-

I kissed him, and let my tears fall down gracefully. The lingering feeling was still there, I wanted him to kiss me back to tell me that I wasn’t the only one still in love with him. I was asking for a second chance for both of us.  I pulled myself apart and looked at him. I couldn’t read him, like I used to, there was a thick air between us, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have- he pulled me by my neck and kissed me.

I felt my lips getting wet, it was his tears. “I missed you, so much my love,” he said in between our kiss, and kissed me again, harder than earlier. We parted after, and we were almost out of breath, “Seungcheol” my voice came out low, and in another blink, he was kissing me again. He kissed me like he wanted to remind me how he tasted and wanted me and how much he loved me. “I loved you so much, I was losing myself when you weren’t with me. these five years, I yearned for you. I wanted you to come back to me, be mine again. But I couldn’t find you anywhere until one day I saw you on the big screen, racing just like the way I taught you. I was ready to face you on the race track and today when I saw you, I had no idea how to react. You looked like mine but not mine to lose.” His words had those unspoken emotions, “I” he said and looked at me, “Will” he came closer, almost our breaths hitting “love” he kissed me “You” and another kiss “Forever” and another kiss, which almost made me fall back, but he was quick to hold me by my waist and pull me closer. My hands went to his neck and he kissed me harder. I just knew, all these years it was hard for us not to break apart and stay in the hope of each other’s love and that I would never have enough of Seungcheol.

I was wondering, how to waste time till midnight, since our dinner was over and we were already on the way to his car. “It’s getting late Ava” I saw it was almost 11 pm.

“I will drive, tonight” he gave me a look, “What?”

“Why suddenly?”

“I just want to, no arguments Chan”

“Okay, okay” he nodded and laughed at me.

“Let’s get in” he got inside the car and so did I. I had this whole thing planned, it would barely take twenty minutes for me to reach my home, it’s not that far. I looked at my watch, I had almost forty-five minutes in total.

I started driving, Chan played some music “I am craving for ice cream Chan,” my eyes were still focused on the road, “but you said no when I asked if we should order there?”

“Having ice creams outside is fun”

“As you say Ava” I smiled at his defeat. Maybe he was busy with all the song recordings and work, I get it but I wanted to surprise him for his birthday. I wonder if he remembers if tonight, well practically tomorrow is his birthday.

Soon, I parked the car and went out to buy ice cream. Chan was smiling, “you look happy”

“Yes, because I am with you.” I turned to look at him, “This is why I tell you, we should go out often and you shouldn’t overwork always. I know work is important but at times you should take some days off and enjoy everything around you” he got closer and pinched my cheeks “yes ma’am” he always took me in surprise.

While pinching my cheeks, his face was very close to my face. Every time, he comes this close to me, the proximity kills me. Makes me wonder, how is this guy the most adorable guy I found in my life and we are dating; it’s been probably four months but I just want to kiss all over him whenever he is this close to me but I am just shy to even take a step.

Soon, we reached the ice cream stall and took our favorite flavors and since I wanted to use up all the time, I was eating slowly.

“So, how was your day?” he asked me, “It was good but dinner and now an unplanned ice cream date made it better.” He smiled at me. “that’s sweet”

“I know I am” I laughed it off and he was staring at me, “what happened?”

“You’re so pretty Ava” he smiled at me and the urge to kiss him was something I was resisting.

After finishing our ice creams, I went to drive again, I looked at the time, and I still had a lot of time. I had an idea, to drive away to another place. I was praying for him to not notice, so I kept him busy with conversations. “Ava”

“Yes?”

“Where are we going?”

“To my home? remember you told me it’s getting late and I don’t think you will like it if your girlfriend takes a cab home from your place?” I kept my eyes on the road and tried to steal a glance at his face, “Yes, but this is not the way to your home”

“And who do you think knows better?”

“Yes, but” I took a turn which was the way to my office, “Ava, are you sure?”

I stopped the car and looked at him, “Oh shit, this is the way to my office, guess we need to go back”

“Ava, how could you?” he looked at me in disbelief, “It’s night time Chan, it happens.”

“Gosh, next time I am driving you back home, you messy girl” he laughed and I started driving again.

And according to me, it took twenty minutes for us to reach. I pulled into my driveway, “we reached, see.”

“yeah.” He looked at me, I could say he didn’t want to let me go. There was something, between us, I could always read him like a book, I could tell when he wanted to be with me or he didn’t want to let me go, I could tell if he was holding back the urge to play with me or tease me.

“Come with me.” he looked confused, “I need to show you something, then you can go back home” he looked skeptical, “Come on, Chan. Let’s go.”

I pull him out of the car, successfully. I hold his hand and he follows me; I missed holding his hands.

I unlock the door of my house and switch on the lights first. I pull him and make him sit on the kitchen aisle, he looks at me. I was waiting for the clock to strike at 12 am. I went towards the fridge, “what are you searching for Ava?” I was about to take out the cake, I baked for him and felt his arms around my waist. “Chan?”

“Yes?” he rested his head on my shoulder, I took out the cake carefully, “A cake?” he lifted his face but his arms didn’t leave my waist, “Yes” I kept the cake on the kitchen aisle and took out the candles.

After lighting them up, I heard the clock. “Happy birthday Chan” he looked surprised, “you remembered?”

“How could I forget?” I smiled at him, he possibly didn’t think I would forget his birthday. “Now, make a wish and blow out the candles, I made this for you” he nodded, he closed his eyes and wished for something, he looked at me and smiled; the moment he opened his eyes. I gestured for him to blow out the candles and he did. “Happy Birthday love” he looked surprised because this was the first time I called him ‘love’ rather than ‘Chan’

“Thank you so much, my love” he smiled at me, I was about to say something but then he leaned in close, his breath was hitting my face, I was waiting for him to give him but he kissed my cheeks. “thankyou so much for this”

Once he pulled back, he looked at me, “Now where’s my gift? Baby?” I was wondering how to do, every time I think about kissing him, I just don’t get the courage. I took a deep breath, “Close your eyes, and I will give you your birthday gift.” He smiled at me and closed his eyes.

“Okay” he said and waited for me, I was preparing myself. I took a deep breath and leaned closer and just kissed him. Once I kissed him, I was about to pull back but his hand went to hold my neck and he pulled me closer. And kissed me better than I did “this is my birthday gift?” he asked me in between kisses and smiled.

“Yes” I said and kissed him again, his other hand was on my waist, “Then I want every day as my birthday if I get to kiss you as my birthday gift”