Sometimes the people you pictured taking part in your life are nowhere to be found when you need them to be there for you. Whether that's because they don't understand, can't make the time, or just have their head too far up their own ass to think to care, it's always a pleasant surprise to see who shows up for you.
These past couple months have been really hard for me. As a new mama, I have struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression, which feels a lot like running around naked, swinging my own severed head by the hair as my insides scream like a banshee while everyone watches. I have felt incapable as a mother, unworthy as a lover, and judged and found guilty of the humanness that drowns a mother's desire to be perfect for her child. I've felt abandoned by certain friends and family members, and I've been paranoid of the love I receive. These thoughts have effected my sleep, my breast milk supply and my sanity, and my ability to show up for myself when I'm in doubt or distress.
PEOPLE DON'T TELL YOU THIS. When these emotions hit you, you feel like you must be doing it wrong, because it's not the pure bliss everyone describes, and it's difficult to "enjoy every moment" as they forever pass, because then you're caught up in emotions of "losing the temporary".
Reaching out to friends, seeking joy without relaying my internal struggle, I WASN'T TELLING PEOPLE, hiding from my own truth because I didn't want to believe it, despite praying someone could see it and would help me. My denial reached the point that I considered switching pediatricians after the doctor suggest I see someone (I marked high risk on my postpartum questionnaire). To me, that was the worst option, because then people would know I was suffering from sadness when I should be the happiest I've ever been. I didn't want people to think I wasn't happy with my partner or my precious baby, that I didn't want a child or had changed my mind because none of those things are true!
LISTEN, I am the happiest I've ever been!❤️ but I also struggle with postpartum. Because just like every other aspect of life, Pregnancy and Parenthood are not how our idealizations personify them, and they take getting used to. BABIES TAKE GETTING USED TO. It's hard work, for everyone involved, especially mama.
Postpartum depression arises from handling this phycological adjustment while being hormonally discombobulated and fatigued. Mothers display this suffering in a variety of ways, including anger, sadness, mania, distrust, extreme fatigue, or indifference; some mothers even struggle with thoughts of hurting their babies or themselves. BUT WHAT NO MOTHER SHOULD STRUGGLE WITH is knowing she has somewhere she can turn to where she isn't berated with unwanted questions, biased opinions, or advice!
I am writing this today to help end the stigma around postpartum depression. No woman should feel alone with a new baby, but sometimes we do; and often, the people we want to open up to are also the people we are most afraid to tell. Sometimes talking about it seems worse than feeling it. Some days, the feeling never seemed real at all.
If you are, or know a new mother, (even a mother whose already 5 kids deep) BE KIND, BE GENTLE, BE SUPPORTIVE. because EVERY COMMENT OF ENCOURAGEMENT HELPS!
I am thankful to everyone who has helped cheer me on, reached out to check on ME, and shown an honest interest and love for my daughter.