hob as a fixture, a constancy, a hearth, and dream as a wild creature coming in from the cold. it cannot be kept, and you would commit no such sin of trying to, but it can be held, warm, before the fireplace for a while. let it go, and trust that it will come back.

hob as a wanderer, life to life to life, and dream as an ancient, enduring kingdom whose protection is reachable just by closing your eyes. continuance impossible in the waking world but offered as easily as a kiss on the cheek.

there is no keeping a dream, is the thing. and dream does not want to be kept, but he does want to be held, held and let go and held again with those arms always open to him. there is no keeping an adventurer, either, and hob is an adventurer at heart, always ready to see, do, the next thing, but adventurers need a home, too, one that doesn't mind when they come back a little bit different.

go where you need to, when you need to. carry my love with you. and come back to me.

Smokey tells us a cigarette, left to smolder without intervention, rightly starts a wildfire.

Ripping through the earth, tilling with heat and a death like Shakespeare, it sends out shudders while making the forest ready should seeds be planted.

I do not fear the blaze, The heat is wanted, The new growth embraced. Though I turn my face to the mountains fearing the winds are carrying smoke. The Afterhaze.

These past couple months have been really hard for me. As a new mama, I have struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression, which feels a lot like running around naked, swinging my own severed head by the hair as my insides scream like a banshee while everyone watches. I have felt incapable as a mother, unworthy as a lover, and judged and found guilty of the humanness that drowns a mother's desire to be perfect for her child. I've felt abandoned by certain friends and family members, and I've been paranoid of the love I receive. These thoughts have effected my sleep, my breast milk supply and my sanity, and my ability to show up for myself when I'm in doubt or distress.

PEOPLE DON'T TELL YOU THIS. When these emotions hit you, you feel like you must be doing it wrong, because it's not the pure bliss everyone describes, and it's difficult to "enjoy every moment" as they forever pass, because then you're caught up in emotions of "losing the temporary".

Reaching out to friends, seeking joy without relaying my internal struggle, I WASN'T TELLING PEOPLE, hiding from my own truth because I didn't want to believe it, despite praying someone could see it and would help me. My denial reached the point that I considered switching pediatricians after the doctor suggest I see someone (I marked high risk on my postpartum questionnaire). To me, that was the worst option, because then people would know I was suffering from sadness when I should be the happiest I've ever been. I didn't want people to think I wasn't happy with my partner or my precious baby, that I didn't want a child or had changed my mind because none of those things are true!

LISTEN, I am the happiest I've ever been!❤️ but I also struggle with postpartum. Because just like every other aspect of life, Pregnancy and Parenthood are not how our idealizations personify them, and they take getting used to. BABIES TAKE GETTING USED TO. It's hard work, for everyone involved, especially mama.

Postpartum depression arises from handling this phycological adjustment while being hormonally discombobulated and fatigued. Mothers display this suffering in a variety of ways, including anger, sadness, mania, distrust, extreme fatigue, or indifference; some mothers even struggle with thoughts of hurting their babies or themselves. BUT WHAT NO MOTHER SHOULD STRUGGLE WITH is knowing she has somewhere she can turn to where she isn't berated with unwanted questions, biased opinions, or advice!

I am writing this today to help end the stigma around postpartum depression. No woman should feel alone with a new baby, but sometimes we do; and often, the people we want to open up to are also the people we are most afraid to tell. Sometimes talking about it seems worse than feeling it. Some days, the feeling never seemed real at all.

If you are, or know a new mother, (even a mother whose already 5 kids deep) BE KIND, BE GENTLE, BE SUPPORTIVE. because EVERY COMMENT OF ENCOURAGEMENT HELPS!

What people dont tell you about motherhood is that it can come with a profound amount of sadness. In a world full of social media and everyone wanting to portray themselves in the best light possible cause people are so judgemental and opionated now a days. We dont see the real picture. We see pregnancy announcement, but we dont see the anxiety that comes with announcing cause maybe thats her rainbow baby. We see the maternity pictures but we dont see the girl thats struggling with her changing body and finding ways to love her new self. We see the just born pictures but we dont see the fear that comes with not knowing what to expect. we dont see the amount of pain a woman is still in cause they are pressing on her tummy every few hours. We see the coming home photos. But we dont realize that the dad drove 2 miles a hour just make it safe. We see the newborn photos but we dont see the shots where the baby cried for a hour, where they peed all over the dad. And we definitely glamourize the first few months. When you think of a newborn you think of a squishy little baby that eats and sleeps. You dont think of the fact that you will live off of broken sleep for however many months. You dont realize as a first time mom that you will be afraid to leave your baby long enough to shower but then feel like utter crap cause you havent showered. You have to learn to not be selfish. Sure maybe you were married but you didn’t put all your needs.. even basic needs above your husband. You now have someone who comes first always and forever. And while thats a “burden” taken gladly its still a adjustment. No one tells you how hard its going to be. They will say “wait til you have a baby, enjoy that sleep now”. But you just dont realize exactly what that means til your in the thick of it a week in going on 2hours of broken sleep a day and still have no time for yourself. No one tells you how lonely it will be. Even though you have added another person to your house its so lonely. That little squishy has you tethered to your home especially if its a winter baby. You think that you will finally fit in with your friends but they will be to busy for you and your needs. After all they have kids already. Your husband will be working most of the day, come home want to eat, play with squishy and want to sleep. Even though he didn’t get up with the babe all night he probaly heard him crying and still didn’t get a decent night of rest.

Pride and prejudice aesthetics: Elizabeth Bennet

Tears me apart and breaks me down

In a million fucking ways

And I let it get the best of me

The Taming of the Shrub