AÉRO

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Die schwierigsten Momente in meinem Leben sind die, in denen ich mit meinen Gedanken allein bin. Ich muss aufhören, mich mit anderen zu vergleichen. Ich bin meine eigene Person. Mein Leben gehört mir und ich weiß, ich bin genug und ich werde genug sein. Die Sonne scheint nicht jeden Tag und ich auch nicht. Manchmal verwandeln sich die bewölkten Tage in Monate. Dies ist eine dieser Zeiten in meinem Leben. Aber ich werde es überwinden. Ich bin es wert. Ich bin selbst mein größter Kritiker.

don’t let me go.

si j'avais juste la moitié d'une tête j'entendrais tes appels au secours cette moitié me suffirait pour savoir ce qui t'a blessé et si j'avais juste la moitié d'un cœur je verrais tes cernes au petit jour. cette moitié me suffirait pour comprendre le mal que je te fais qui sait?…

I don’t write here anymore. But I don't have a journal and I need to just get my thoughts out. So last Sunday one of my former classmates passed away from a sudden heart attack. I was scrolling through Facebook on Monday and all of a sudden I saw all of these “RIP” posts. I didn’t know what to even think. This was the class clown. The guy who was on all of the sports teams. Mr. Popular. The guy who would get the girl I used to like. The guy who was able to change the mood of the entire classroom. The guy who was there for anyone in the class. He would have dropped anything to listen to anyone and help. Growing up, sometimes I think I was jealous of him, or that I just simply admired him and wanted to be more like him. I worked with his mom at my first ever job too. This was just too much for me to read and to process. I stopped working on whatever I was working on, shut my laptop, went home, and took the night to just think about life. It’s been almost a week now, and I’m still reflecting life. I’ve lived through so much in the last 10 years since I first moved to Montreal. I’m 28 now, almost 29. I still feel so lost. I don’t have a career. I’m struggling to finish my Master’s degree. I’m getting older and time is just going by way too quickly. I don’t know what to think anymore. Am I happy? Have I mad the right decisions? Am I in the right place? Where am I supposed to go? Who actually cares about me? Who do I actually care about? I’m still figuring things out and I guess that’s okay. I guess what has happened to me in this last week, and what I’ve been mainly thinking about, is that I need to start just being happy with who I am and I need to make sure that I am just happy in whatever I am doing, and with who I am surrounded by. After all, life is short, and you never know when things will change... so I’m choosing to step back. I don’t need to compare myself to others. I am enough. I can do things at my own pace. It’s okay that I haven’t finished school yet... it’s a process. It is my process, and I am doing things in the way that feels best for me. I’m learning along the way. I know I will finish. I’m not sure if I will get a great job after, but that doesn't even matter right now. One thing at a time. I’m okay right now. I have an affordable cute apartment. My parents love me - I love them. I am closer to my brother than ever before. His wife is amazing too. I have the most wonderful friends I could ever imagine, even if most of them are far away. I know I am loved. And I don't need to accept feeling like shit or feeling like I am not good enough or simply not enough. I AM ENOUGH. I WILL DO MY BEST. I WILL MEET MY GOALS, OR I WILL LEARN THINGS ALONG THE WAY.  Long story short, life is just as confusing as ever, but with time I am appreciating life more and more. Zarko, you are gold. You have touched my life and I know you touched the life of everyone who knew you too. You will not be forgotten and I will try to face life with the courage and the love that you showed to everyone around you.  RIP Zarko 09.09.1990 - 25.08.2019 Forever in our hearts and in our minds.

I still don’t know where I’m going or what I am doing in life.

Take me back to 2010. My head is spinning around. The years have passed by so quickly.

This song.

Take me back

So, dream on.

I love my country.