Aedra Refuses The Establishment

Sometimes I think I miss voyeuring in on my "friends" on Fake Book, but I have to tell you, my mental health is already improving by not utilizing that platform as most people do. I go into groups when I need to, participate in meaningful discussions, and I manage my business page. That's it. Having strict boundaries on interacting with people in this "close but distant" dynamic is helping me feel much better. I listened to my feelings about it the first week I began microdosing. Now we are entering Week 5! For the last two microdosing weeks (4 & 3) I skipped one because I was too tired to get up early to take it. I have a sleeping schedule where I consistently get up at 1pm-2pm. I've been this way for a long time and it's just against my neurology I think to wake up any earlier. This is one of the many fun things of being neurodivergent and on the autism spectrum. I used to wake up much later. The fact I consistently get up at these times is a good marker of success for me. However, if I don't interrupt my sleeping cycle and get up briefly at 10am to take the microdosing capsule, then I shouldn't take it all. Otherwise, it will cause me to have insomnia. I noticed a dip in mood when I basically was taking 0.1g for 2x a week instead of 3x a week and I wonder if I should even increase the number of days in which I am microdosing! I'm a "low and slow" kind of person. I have to ease my toes into new waters to ensure I don't upset my highly sensitive nervous system. Almost everything so far has been highly positive and making gains towards progress since I started. It was only when I dipped below 3x a week that I noticed a little bit of a slide backwards. This causes me to believe that I might just benefit from going up to 4x a week. This would mean I would need to change my microdosing schedule entirely. It's important in some cases to make sure there are a couple of consecutive days off to allow for any tolerance to reset. Right now I am doing Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday with Sunday/Monday my two consecutive days off. Going up to 4x a week would mean I would need to change to 2 days in a row on, 2 days in a row off. So something like: Friday/Saturday on, Sunday/Monday off, Tuesday/Wed on, Thursday off. This looks closely related to the Dr. Fadiman protocol, which is 5 consecutive days on, 2 consecutive days off. I will have time to think about it as I will be finishing up weeks 5 & 6 at 3x a week, then I'll have 1-2 weeks off to reflect and make any adjustments.

At the end of my last post, I had some questions for myself about how to proceed. These were the questions I wanted to answer: 1. Should I continue? (likely yes) 2. Will my regimen have to change? (considering it) 3. Am I seeing diminishing returns? (If yes, then I need to lower my dose, or take a break. If no, then focus on #2) 4. If I take a break, how long should I take a break for? (1 week? 2 weeks?) 5. Should I introduce a another structure into my microdose regimen? (Like journaling, documenting anything, etc etc.. would that even be of value to me at this time?) I don't have an answer for all of them yet, but I know that: 1. Yes, I want to continue 2. I don't have a concrete answer for this one, I think my regimen is working very well, it might be that I skip one a week depending on what I think my needs are. 3. No, I don't think I am seeing diminishing returns. There are things that are consistently improved, and I am discovering new things that are improving quite often. 4. Focusing on #2 here for now 5. As far as introducing structure, I think that making my weekly updates is part of that structure. It holds me accountable and I look forward to weekly reflection on this. Even though I only took 2 on week 3, I still felt pretty much the same. Things are consistently improving. Stress levels as indicated on the Garmin are staying within a certain range. It's not where I want it to be just yet, but that is improving. As is heart rate elevation. The less cortisol and adrenaline I dump into my system, the better. I am feeling a reduction in nervousness that is consistent, but I still do have PTSD triggers. When it comes to the PTSD triggers, I spiral out for a shorter period of time, and come back to a better mood faster. This is a huge difference for me. It gives me more of a sense of hope. I have noticed my language around things being "good" or "nice" is changing. I'm able to feel happiness and joy, and verbally affirm that I am, instead of having more of a muted response to things that I like. Additionally, because of being able to verbalize AND feel happiness and joy better, I feel more confident, and like I can pace myself more evenly throughout the day. I don't feel super rushed. Time isn't giving me that horrible anxiety anymore. I feel like I am more on "my time" vs. trying to match everyone's perceived expectations of me.

When you ask to brainstorm business ideas, people ignore your criteria and give you EMPLOYMENT ideas? I am an entrepreneur. I am highly capable of running my own business. I have 2 businesses, in fact, and am looking to make a third. Why is the peanut gallery like this?

I skipped the microdose today because I'm having an increase in vivid dreams (similar to when taking SSRIs in the past) and having hypnic jerks waking me up. There's also been a strange vibrational/energetic firing off in my right temporal lobe. Someone suggested it was just " a knot in my masseter or temporalist muscle" and I almost laughed in their face because I'm a massage therapist and I know what muscle knots tension and trigeminal neuralgia feels like. I actually have Trigeminal Neuralgia and it feels nothing like that is happening in the right side of my brain. It's almost like a brain tickle, and I assume is related somehow to "Brain Zapping" that some people report feeling on Psilocybin or when withdrawing from SSRIs such as Zoloft. In reading more about the temporal lobe, I find that many things it is responsible for are things that I struggle with, especially after a TBI in 2012. Could this be me feeling Neurogenesis? It doesn't happen very often. It was also suggested I talk to a medical doctor, well, if I felt any medical doctors in my state were knowledgeable enough about Psilocybin Microdosing and the brain of someone with DID/CPTSD/AuDHD, I would ask. However, It's likely that they don't know, and would just tell me to stop taking it. Outside of that funny sensation once in a while, and the night time disturbances consistent with stress, SSRI uptake, and sleep apnea (of which I also have), I'm doing pretty great on this. I feel more, I feel more clearly, I can express happiness and actually be excited. I use words now that say "I'm doing good" or "This is great!" or "I am so excited for this!", and I can't remember a time in which I tried to say those things, and it felt forced, or fake. At this point in history, a lot of this is experimental, but we are getting closer everyday to find more answers. I will see how I am on Saturday when I'm supposed to take my last one for week 3 and re-asses. I'll try to figure out - 1. Should I continue? (likely yes) 2. Will my regimen have to change? (considering it) 3. Am I seeing diminishing returns? (If yes, then I need to lower my dose, or take a break. If no, then focus on #2) 4. If I take a break, how long should I take a break for? (1 week? 2 weeks?) 5. Should I introduce a another structure into my microdose regimen? (Like journaling, documenting anything, etc etc.. would that even be of value to me at this time?) That's all for now.

At midnight I remove all of my facebook connections and only use the platform for it's groups & pages. If people want to stay in touch with me, they have my phone, email, websites, and linked-in. It will be hard not voyeuring in on lives I'll never live, and I'll miss out on things that made me smile -- but the reality is that I have always had a somewhat unhealthy relationship to Facebook. Facebook also continues to suppress freedom of speech, it's AI bot unfairly bans accounts for very benign messages, but leaves up white supremist messages and full on threats to minorities. I think Marky Z is just as bad as Elongated M.

Week 3 of Microdosing begins today in 8 hours. It's time for bed. The alarm is already set. I'm already working on a cumulative update to reflect on the first 3 weeks when this is over. So watch for a post about that after my MRI on Monday. Next week is also my 36th birthday week! Time has gone very fast lately.

My microdose regimen with psilocybin cubensis is 3x a week, with 2 days off. I take my 0.1g dose on Tu/Th/Sat with Su/Mon as my 2 days off. I start week 3 tomorrow. So far my sleeping has gotten better now that I specifically wake up just long enough to take it and then get the rest of my sleep. I'm also increasing the number of organ meats in my diet, and I hope that continues to help with the vitamin B deficiency. I was taking 4 out of 6 recommended capsules a day, now I am moving up to 3 capsules with breakfast, and 2 capsules with lunch. I'll be going up to 3 at breakfast and 3 at lunch in another week if this isn't too overstimulating for me. I'm very sensitive to chemistry changes in my body, so I need to ensure I am able to handle the steady increase of energy I have now on this new journey. When people say something "Should be like this" in regards to what I should expect when trying something new, I turn my nose away from them. I am not like other people. I am tired of the generic and seemingly "reassuring" advice, when I know my body isn't like yours, and that people like me are more plentiful than the ableist establishment would like to admit. I absolutely abhor unsolicited advice. Talking about a subject about what I am doing with my health is not an invitation to armchairers out there. Y'all make me sick. Anyway, we will see how I do in week 3. I just started my period as well after some time on birth control pills. I was taking the pills to buy time to figure out what I needed to do in a more holistic sense for my PMDD (and to improve my quality of life). It helped, and now I am interested to see how all of my hard work to change my diet and put in better nutrients will change my experience. Normally they are so painful and I bleed quite a lot. No, I don't have PCOS or Endometriosis. It's PMDD. PMDD seems to also be related to sugar/insulin, and I show signs of insulin resistance, which I am working hard on now, so I don't become diabetic. With more magnesium in my diet I am noticing positive changes as well. I've been addressing other deficiencies such as Iron, Potassium, and Calcium as well. I feel hopeful. The depression and anxiety are much better. I had multiple factors that caused me to be lower functioning and overweight, it wasn't just trauma. Although trauma can perpetuate eating disorders (I have one), it is not always the cause for anxiety and autonomic disruption.

Source: https://www.reddit.com/r/microdosing/comments/sbrl5f/a_timeline_on_microdosing_psychedelics_oc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

In thinking about how social media plays a role in my life, and how many countless hours I've spent on it because I just liked to talk to people, but I also wanted to share. Maybe in some cases , over share, educate, set examples, give nuance, food for thought... But people do things you can't control when they get information, and I've had a lot of betrayal over my entire life. I would "play with my cards face up" as it were. I was honest to a fault, which is what I believe a lot of fellow Autistics deal with, the struggle between wanting to be as honest & clear as possible and protecting oneself from the assumptions of others. I almost have a compulsory need to tell people what I am doing, why I'm doing it, and when I'll be doing it. I spread the lines of boundaries as readily as I share about my life on social media. I tell them what the boundary is, well before it becomes a problem. This is something allistics don't like. In my journey to find better community, and thrive in my own businesses, I have decided to stop trying to appeal to the general population. I have decided to start picking and choosing people that I actually really like and feel safe with. I used to be repelled by people I felt safe with, because it didn't feel familiar. You know, the whole trauma thing. These shifts in who and what I will spend my precious limited time on will include being less available to allistics, and even to some other autistics, and other queers, and other.. just simply.. people. I had a narrative for years that said "I don't belong", and I didn't talk about it much, but it very much fueled my perceived need to be unalive. Slowly, over the last several years, I have been working on building community, on my terms, with people I chose. I feel more confident and secure in the community I have now. This is one of the only silver linings of the pandemic -- I found people like me, who have the shared values around Consent and Public Health Policy as I do. I have a thriving medical practice with patients who wear masks without argument, for they, too, are at risk. I create a safe haven for them to get much needed care and a safe listening ear. I won't gaslight them. I won't give them a diagnosis of some mental illness just because I think they should have "moved on" by now. I am a year and a half into my first medical practice. It's been going so well that it's like a dream. I walk in there and I'm just amazed at he beauty of what I have put together. I have a community behind me that believes in it, as well. That's something I never thought possible. I was prepared to do this all by myself. But the reality is, we're all never truly alone, but we can feel completely & utterly besides ourselves with the grief of loneliness. My mother often would complain about how lonely she was, and sometimes cry. She would remark often about being "trapped" in a "prison" because she was likely struggling with severe agoraphobia, but was hoping someone outside herself would get her up and moving. Of course my family was super dysfunctional and reclusive, paranoid, and fearful, so she never did get outside much, and her second husband wasn't present enough to understand the need for that. I never wanted to be like my parents, and running my own business, and finding my own community are things that they would never be capable of because they didn't get the help (or wanted it) that I was able to find. My desire to be nothing like my parents (that abused me and helped create the environment in which I dissociated near constantly) is the driving factor for where I/We are at today. Dropping social media as a way to overshare and give people constant access to me is another way in which I am breaking the trauma cycle. At home I never had any privacy, so on social media, what did I do? Cross boundaries I should have had with myself over privacy. It got better as I worked on for years, but this was not the only reason I am dropping social media. I'm ready now.

While on one hand I am worried people won't keep in touch with me after Wednesday's total clearing of my friends list (and shift to using FB only for groups and pages), I know it's the right choice for me.

While I think I will miss some of the scrolling through people's pictures, the reminder that Facebook has Pidgeon-holed me in a way in which others are not seeing me, is a burning resentment of how technology has created these glass walls.

So here I am, and I have arrived at the new tier. It's time for me to get ready to see my own patients now. Thank you all for any kind words, and for sharing any stories you may also have about how #Microdosing, did, or didn't help you (if you'd like).