Adventures in Polyamory

This article has a lot of flaws, but I think is an overall win for poly.

Pros: It's a well-written, mostly balanced look at poly in a fairly mainstream media outlet. We're getting exposure, it makes us seem normal, doesn't paint us as freaks. That's a win.

Cons: It raises the poly vs. swinging argument (which I believe is a flawed premise - relationship orientation is on a spectrum, in my opinion, not polarized). Why exclude anyone from the umbrella of acceptance? Why feel the need to be exclusionary? Welcome all to the party!

This is partially why I tend to use the term "non-monogamous" to describe my relationship orientation...it all falls under that definition, regardless of how you practice it.

There are also two examples of what I see as an unhealthy use of veto. One of the men asks his partner to end her relationship with her boyfriend out of insecurity, and not because it was an actual threat. And then one of the women asks her partner to break it off with someone he's just met simply because she thought the woman MIGHT be a threat.

Neither of those is healthy. I don't personally subscribe to the idea of veto; the idea of hurting one of my partners at the request of another partner makes my skin crawl. If one of my partners is feeling as if I am not meeting their needs, I would much rather talk about it and find a way to address it, not cause pain to myself and someone else to assuage their insecurity.

My main gripe about the article on this point is that it seems unbalanced. Two of the couples describe using veto, but the author didn't interview someone to counterbalance that. I would have preferred that there be another person/couple/polycule in there talking about how veto can be unnecessary and why.

But, I'll give the author a pass. She states more than once that she knew very little about this relationship choice before she began writing the article, so she made some common mistakes. My mama, discussing this article on a thread on my FB page, pointed out: 

The writer doesn't know any better (cuz when you know better, you do better), and questioning the status quo is a dangerous thing (and in this case, couple's privilege is the status quo). Chances are the author had never before heard of healthy open relationships, let alone known someone who has been successful with non-monogamy, and so being introduced to the concept as slowly as the majority of readers are, leads to a few oversights. Not to mention the fact that detailing the conflict creates drama in the article.

When I get to snuggle at a Dr. Who burlesque show with my girlfriend Rose on one side and husband Raven on the other.

When she leans over and tells me she loves me...for the first time.

When I giddily tell Raven later...and he gets just as giddy.

When I get to post about it openly on my social network...and my friends and family chime in with support and glee.

When my boyfriend Baron plans a family dinner with my girlfriend Rose and my husband Raven, to pamper me when I'm having a rough week.

When Raven's ex-partner sees I'm having a rough day, and posts this on my Facebook wall.

When my boyfriend Baron comes over and helps my husband Raven to hang the television on the wall while I unpack boxes.

Making cracks about there being two studs in the living room while they were attempting to find the studs in the wall for the bolts.

When something as family-like and mundane as that is so normal that it doesn't cross any of our minds that it's supposed to be unusual.

Crawling out of bed after a lovely night of snuggles to get ready for work, leaving one of my loves wrapped in the arms of another. ♥

I've just come back from a five-day weekend with my husband, our kids, and his extended family, camping on the beach.

And when I say 'family', I mean both blood and chosen. Once you're a part of his family, you're always a part of his family. To the extent that three of his ex-partners were there, all of them with their current partners. They call his parents "mom" and "dad", hugs are freely dispensed among all, and the  new offspring is "nephew" to all.

Many jokes were made among my husband's former partners and myself, along the lines of "Wait, aren't we supposed to be catfighting or competing for his attention or something?" 

This is what I was always looking for, what family means to me. Just because a romantic relationship has come to an end, it doesn't mean the relationship itself has to. I mourn the loss of those of my former partners who have chosen to not remain friends with me, and wish the outcomes of those partnerships had been different.

If you are polyamorous, and either have children or are thinking of having children, I cannot recommend enough that you document the hell out of the consensual nature of all of the relationships, including that all partners believe that the children are not being harmed by the lifestyle. 

As I have learned through two unfortunate personal examples in the last two years, a vindictive ex-partner will throw ANYTHING at the wall that they can to keep you from your child. Kink, poly, even merely being sex-positive can (and will) end up in front of a court as "evidence" that you are unfit to parent. We are not even close to mainstream, and this is going to come up again and again.

Seen on my FB feed:

“To all those who don’t think the rape joke was a problem, or rape jokes are a problem. I get it, you’re a decent guy. I can even believe it. You’ve never raped anybody. You would NEVER rape anybody. You’re upset that all these feminists are trying to accuse you of doing something or connect you to doing something that, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never done and would never condone. And they’ve told you about triggers, and PTSD, and how one in six women is a survivor, and you get it. You do. But you can’t let every time someone gets all upset get in the way of you having a good time, right? So fine. If all those arguments aren’t going anything for you, let me tell you this. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to hurt anybody, and you don’t see the harm, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person. And I genuinely believe you when you say you would never associate with a rapist and you think rape really is a very bad thing. Because this is why I refuse to take rape jokes sitting down- 6% of college age men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act. 6% of Penny Arcade’s target demographic will admit to actually being rapists when asked. A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists? Rapists do. They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again. Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape. If one in twenty guys is a real and true rapist, and you have any amount of social activity with other guys like yourself, really cool guy, then it is almost a statistical certainty that one time hanging out with friends and their friends, playing Halo with a bunch of guys online, in a WoW guild, or elsewhere, you were talking to a rapist. Not your fault. You can’t tell a rapist apart any better than anyone else can. It’s not like they announce themselves. But, here’s the thing. It’s very likely that in some of these interactions with these guys, at some point or another someone told a rape joke. You, decent guy that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed. And, decent guy who would never condone rape, who would step in and stop rape if he saw it, who understands that rape is awful and wrong and bad, when you laughed? That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapist knew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades. You. The rapist’s comrade. And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if that doesn’t disturb you or bother you or make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humor anymore… Well, maybe you aren't as opposed to rapists as you claim.” ~ Time-Machine (via a comment at shakesville.com)

Even if I ignore statistics and go by personal anecdotes...25% of the women (and several men) I PERSONALLY KNOW have been raped THAT I KNOW ABOUT. And a large number of those? More than once, by different people. Myself included.

"Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?"   ~Mevlana Rumi 

This one sentiment drives my communication style more than any other. People who have known me in years past, in my former life, would be truly shocked. You think I have no filter now? Pffft... I used to fountain my opinion all OVER the place.

Over the last five or so years, I have slowly learned the value of holding my tongue, considering my words, and not allowing my emotions to dictate my responses. And I try to consider all four, in order. If what I want to say is kind, true, and would improve the silence...but it isn't necessary, I won't say it. If what is on the tip of my tongue does not pass ALL FOUR goals, it's gossip.

I'm not perfect, but my success rate is in the 90th percentile. And the longer I practice, the better I get. 

While each of the criterion named in the quote are important, the one that stops me the most often is the last. Even if it fits all three previous, what matters to me is whether or not saying it will improve the situation.

And by improve the situation, I mean, improve it for all involved, not just me. If it would just make ME feel better to say it, that's not enough to meet the bar.

This particular topic has been ruminating in my head since the first week of November. Seriously, I've had a note sitting in my inbox to myself since then, about that quote and to write what it means to me, and more importantly, how it's affected my life since adopting that philosophy.

But it needed to germinate, and grow, and set roots, and reach for the sky before I was able to fully understand the impact it's had.

Back in November, I was struggling a LOT with a metamour and the impact her actions were having upon my life, both directly in her interactions with me, and indirectly in the effect her actions were having on our mutual partner. It was, to date, one of the hardest tests I've ever had with this communication rule for myself...what to share with our mutual partner, and what not to share, because it didn't fit all of the criteria.

There were times that I knew firsthand of intentional deceit on her part...but I didn't share it because my motives would not have been kind.

What made this process even more difficult was that she was not playing by the same rules, and was deliberately causing as much angst as possible. She actually expressed at one point that she wanted to take my place in the relationship. Incidentally, that experience led to a relationship dealbreaker for me: a hostile metamour is a no-go. Full stop.

My restraint and constant self-checking in that experience served me very well; her protest behavior eventually escalated to the point that the relationship became untenable, while my relationship with our mutual partner grew stronger and stronger.

In the months since, I've continued to see the benefits of holding my tongue. It is rewarding regardless of the stakes. If I have a brief flash of annoyance at one of the children, I bite my tongue and consider if what I want to say fits the criteria. Most of the time, it does not, and I find a different way to handle the situation. 

It has the added benefit of knowing that I'm not adding fuel to the poor behavior or reaction on someone else's part. I've been able to sit and allow someone to vent at me without rising to the bait, and try to get to the heart of what's behind their ire. 

Some have accused me of being dispassionate or uncaring as a result, but I do not accept that. Volume of voice =/= level of passion, and I choose not to escalate a situation unnecessarily. Besides, if you get to the point of yelling, you've already lost control of the situation.

I encourage you to take that quote and apply it to all aspects of your life for two weeks straight, and see if you notice a difference in your interactions. The longer you do it, the more benefit you'll see.

My personal interactions have been so much more peaceful, and I am happier on a deeper level than I've ever been in my life, as a result.

"Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?"   ~Mevlana Rumi

What if homosexuality were the norm, and heterosexuals were the "abnormal" ones?

I am blown away by the power of this movie. I can't stop crying.