maladjusted

It was unreal! Instead of following a regular trail, you walk right through the Virgin River, surrounded by massive canyon walls towering above you.

Cold water, soaked hiking boots, slippery rocks, incredible views, and a little bit of “what the actual fuck did I get myself into?” energy but totally worth it. Such a beautiful and unforgettable adventure! I highly recommend but don’t rent the water boots because they get soaked just as,bad as any other footwear. Also, make sure you carry a pole or two (I wish I had two poles to stabilize myself better). People of all ages were doing the hike, so if you’re nervous about doing it, don’t be.

Ther are loads of dry hikes in Zion too but The Narrows was pretty cool!

I Didn’t Expect ChatGPT to Become My Death Doula

When my father was dying, nothing about it felt clean or meaningful in the way people sometimes describe.

It was confusing. Repetitive. Physical. Exhausting. Sometimes loud, sometimes unbearably quiet.

I had done this before with my mom, so I thought I knew what I was walking into.

I didn’t.

This was different.

Our relationship had been complicated for years. There was history there. Distance. Friction. Things I carried, whether I wanted to or not.

And still, I found myself sitting next to him for hours, helping him breathe, crushing his medications, trying to understand what his body was doing as it started to shut down.

Trying to get it right.

Trying not to miss something.

Trying not to fail him at the very end.

Somewhere in the middle of all of that, I kept reaching for something unexpected.

I kept opening ChatGPT.

At first it was just questions.

What does this breathing mean

Is this normal

How much longer when it sounds like this

Can I give him more medication

Why is he saying things that don’t make sense

The kinds of questions you don’t really want to search for.

The kinds of questions that feel too specific and too human to type into Google.

But every time I asked, I got an answer.

Not rushed. Not cold. Not clinical in a way that made me feel small.

Just steady.

It would explain what was happening, but it also did something else that mattered more than I expected.

It stayed calm with me.

It didn’t make me feel like I was overreacting.

It didn’t make me feel like I was asking the wrong thing.

It met me exactly where I was, over and over again, even when I asked the same question ten different ways because I was tired or scared or second guessing myself.

And I was second guessing myself constantly.

When you’re in that space, your brain doesn’t work the way you want it to.

Time stretches and collapses.

You forget what you were told five minutes ago.

Every decision feels like it could be the wrong one.

What surprised me wasn’t just that I could get answers in real time.

It was that I felt supported in real time.

In the quiet moments when no one else was there.

In between hospice visits.

In the middle of the night when things changed and I didn’t know if it was part of the process or something I should be worried about.

It helped me understand what I was seeing.

But it also helped me stay steady enough to keep going.

At some point I realized what it had become for me.

Not just a tool.

Something closer to a death doula.

Not in the traditional sense. There was no physical presence, no human touch.

But it guided me through something I didn’t fully understand.

It answered me in the moment, not hours later.

It helped me feel like I wasn’t alone in something that is, at its core, incredibly lonely.

And because of that, I stayed.

I didn’t shut down.

I didn’t walk away from the hard parts.

I sat with him.

I talked to him.

I took care of him in ways I didn’t know I was capable of, especially given our history.

I came into it thinking I was there for him.

Somewhere in the middle of all of it, something shifted.

Being there… doing this… sitting in it fully…

was also taking care of me.

And I didn’t expect that.

I definitely didn’t expect that something like ChatGPT would play a role in that experience.

But it did.

Quietly. Steadily. Without needing anything back.

It didn’t replace people.

It didn’t replace hospice or real human care.

But it filled the space in between.

Some days caretaking looks like big things.

Doctor visits. Med schedules. Conversations about the future you never thought you’d have.

But today it looked like something smaller. I cleaned my dad up.

There’s a strange quiet to these moments. The room slows down. Time feels thick. You move carefully, gently, like everything matters a little more than it used to.

You remember when this person used to carry you. Lift you. Fix things you didn’t understand yet. And now the roles have shifted in a way no one really prepares you for.

The past couple of weeks have been really hard for her. Dad is in and out of consciousness and getting out of bed in the middle of the night. At 2:00 a.m. this morning, my sister went to check on him and his bedroom door was shut. She couldn’t open it because he fell and wedged himself between the dresser and the door.

Thankfully she was able to get in, but she had to wake up her husband to help get Dad back into bed.

These are the kinds of things I’m hoping to help with. She and her husband both work full-time jobs and are up at all hours of the night with caretaking responsibilities. It’s exhausting.

So here I am packing and trying to mentally prepare myself to watch my father die while also dealing with our unresolved issues… all while managing the stress of losing a 27-year career.

Somehow life’s biggest moments decided to arrive at the exact same time.

Right now I feel like I’m floating around in outer space with no direction or purpose which isn’t great for a control freak like me.

Last night I curled up in the fetal position on my bed and cried my fucking eyes out. The kind of cry that makes you feel like your body is turning inside out. My pillow was soaked with tears, sweat, and everything grief wrings out of you when it breaks through.

So tomorrow I get on a plane. A one way ticket to Jupiter.

Wish me luck.

There are certain moments in life when the ground shifts under your feet. Not gradually. Not politely. All at once.

This past week, I lost my job.

Twenty-seven years. Gone in a meeting that probably lasted less than ten minutes.

And at the same time, my father is dying. He’s in hospice care across the country.

Two endings arriving together, like some cruel scheduling coincidence the universe forgot to reconsider.

Losing a job after nearly three decades is strange in ways I didn't expect. You would think the primary emotion would be anger, or fear. And those feelings are there, somewhere in the background, like static. But the stronger feeling is something quieter.

Disorientation.

For twenty-seven years, a part of my identity had a place to go every morning. A role. A purpose. A group of people. A rhythm. And then suddenly that rhythm stops.

It's like walking down stairs in the dark and missing the last step.

Your body keeps moving forward but the ground isn't where you thought it would be.

And then layered on top of that is my father.

We have always had a complicated relationship. Some years we were close. Other years we weren't speaking at all. There are unresolved conversations hanging in the air between us like unfinished sentences.

Now hospice has entered the story, which is a word that feels both gentle and terrifying at the same time.

Hospice means we know where this road goes.

It means the clock has become visible.

It's strange how grief starts before someone is gone. I feel it in flashes during completely normal moments — standing in the kitchen, driving the car, sitting in a bank lobby opening a new account because life keeps moving forward whether you're ready or not.

I find myself wondering what I will feel when he actually dies.

Relief?

Sadness?

Regret?

Probably all of it, tangled together.

The truth is that when life piles events on top of each other like this, your brain doesn't know which emotion to process first. You can't fully grieve your father because you are dealing with the shock of losing your career. You can't fully process the job loss because your mind keeps drifting to the hospital bed across the country.

So everything sits inside you at once.

Like emotional traffic with no stoplight.

And yet, strangely, there is also clarity.

When things fall apart, the unnecessary parts of life get very quiet. The emails, the titles, the meetings that felt urgent for years suddenly look smaller than they did before.

What remains are the things that were always the real story.

Relationships. Time. The fragile fact that none of us actually know how many chapters we get.

Right now I don't know what the next chapter of my life looks like.

I don't know what my father's last days will bring.

But I do know this: life has a way of clearing the table when you least expect it.

The question of whether Americans have been "brainwashed" is complex, but many historians and social theorists point to a shift in how dissent works today. It is less about being forced to stop and more about being overwhelmed by the system.

In previous generations, the only way to express political anger was through physical presence. Today, social media provides a constant outlet for outrage. This creates a psychological effect where people feel they have contributed to a cause by posting or sharing, which can drain the energy needed for long term physical organization. The algorithm keeps users in a loop of constant, manageable anger that rarely leaves the screen.

Protest movements are most successful when they have a clear vision of what should replace the current system. Right now, many people agree that things are not working, but there is almost no consensus on what a better future looks like. When people cannot imagine a realistic alternative, they tend to default to the status quo because it is familiar.

A major strategy in modern politics is the use of contradictory information to create a state of permanent uncertainty. When the public is hit with a constant stream of conflicting reports and "alternative facts," the natural reaction is to become cynical. This cynicism leads to a belief that nothing can ever truly change, which is the most effective way to prevent a population from taking action.

We still see massive protests, such as the ones in 2020. However, the system has become very good at absorbing that energy. Corporations and political entities quickly adopt the language and symbols of a movement, turning it into a brand. This gives the appearance of change without actually shifting the underlying power structures, which eventually leads to a sense of defeatism among the public.

Going back to Japan on my third visit. This time I’m showing my sister in law, nephew and his girlfriend around. They wanted to do Tokyo, Mt. Fuji and Kyoto. Here’s our itinerary. I’ll be solo for some of it while they do Disney and some other attractions that I’ve already done before. I’m looking forward to seeing Lily again and getting some alone time.

April 28th

Tokyo

Helen, Vince, Alexis & Michelle

Arrive in Tokyo (Arrive at 3:00 in the afternoon)

PIck up Narita Airport Car service to the hotel.

April 29th

Tokyo

Helen, Vince & Alexis

Tokyo Disneyland

Located within the Tokyo Disney Resort in Urayasu, Chiba Prefecture, Japan, is a 115-acre theme park that opened on April 15, 1983

Food

Kushikatsu Tanaka (Minato) – casual skewers

Tonkatsu Maisen – famous pork cutlets

Gonpachi Nishi-Azabu – izakaya with movie set vibes

Michelle

Tokyo Tower:

A prominent communications and observation structure located in the Shiba-koen district of Minato, Tokyo.

Tokyo Skytree: Standing at 634 meters, Tokyo Skytree is the tallest tower in Japan and the third-tallest structure in the world. It features two observation decks: the Tembo Deck at 350 meters and the Tembo Galleria at 450 meters, both providing expansive views of Tokyo and, on clear days, Mount FujiUrban Village," integrating green spaces, residential areas, commercial establishments, and cultural facilities to foster a harmonious community environment.

Hama-rikyu Gardens

A historic public park located in the Chūō ward of Tokyo, Japan.

Minato City:

Officially known as Minato-ku, is one of Tokyo's 23 special wards, located in the southern part of the city.Zojo-ji.

Azabudai Hills:

A contemporary urban development located in Tokyo's Minato Ward, officially opened in November 2023. The project embodies the concept of a "Modern.

April 30th

Tokyo

Tokyo Tower:

A prominent communications and observation structure located in the Shiba-koen district of Minato, Tokyo.

Tokyo Skytree: Standing at 634 meters, Tokyo Skytree is the tallest tower in Japan and the third-tallest structure in the world. It features two observation decks: the Tembo Deck at 350 meters and the Tembo Galleria at 450 meters, both providing expansive views of Tokyo and, on clear days, Mount FujiUrban Village," integrating green spaces, residential areas, commercial establishments, and cultural facilities to foster a harmonious community environment.

Hama-rikyu Gardens

A historic public park located in the Chūō ward of Tokyo, Japan.

Minato City:

Officially known as Minato-ku, is one of Tokyo's 23 special wards, located in the southern part of the city.Zojo-ji.

Azabudai Hills:

A contemporary urban development located in Tokyo's Minato Ward, officially opened in November 2023. The project embodies the concept of a "Modern.

The Matcha Tokyo Omotesando:

A minimalist and stylish café located in the Harajuku district of Tokyo, specializing in 100% organic matcha.

Michelle

Meetup with Lily and go to Asakusa to hang out for the day.

Grab a bite and chat.

May 1

Tokyo

Helen, Vince & Alexis

Harry Potter @ 10:30 am.

Shrine

TeamLabs 6:30 to 7:00 pm entrance time.

teamLab, an international art collective, has created two prominent immersive art museums in Tokyo: teamLab Planets and teamLab Borderless. Both offer unique, interactive experiences that blend art, technology, and the natural world.

Michelle

Public Art Toilets in Shibuya:

Part of the Tokyo Toilet Project, these artistically designed public restrooms have become unexpected attractions, showcasing innovative designs by renowned architects.

Small Worlds Miniature Museum: Explore the world's largest indoor miniature theme park, featuring intricately detailed dioramas of real and fictional worlds. Interactive elements allow visitors to become part of the scenes.

Explore Harmonica Yokocho in Kichijoji:

Wander through this maze of narrow alleys filled with tiny bars, eateries, and shops. Originally a post-war black market, it now offers a nostalgic glimpse into Tokyo's past and a lively nightlife scene.

Tokyo Skytree:

Standing at 634 meters, Tokyo Skytree is the tallest tower. (Only if we didn’t make it on the 30th).

May 2

Tokyo - Shopping Day

Helen, Vince, Alexis & Michelle

Shibuya:

MEGA Don Quijote Shibuya:

This large discount store is open 24/7 and offers an eclectic array of products, including electronics, cosmetics, clothing, and groceries. It's ideal for bargain hunters and those looking to buy a variety of items under one roof.

Shibuya Scramble Square:

One of the newest additions to Shibuya's skyline, this skyscraper features numerous shops, restaurants, and an observation deck offering panoramic views of Tokyo. It's a modern shopping destination that combines retail with breathtaking cityscapes.

Cat Street:

Stretching between Shibuya and Harajuku, Cat Street is known for its trendy boutiques, vintage stores, and unique cafes. It's the perfect place for those seeking alternative fashion and a more relaxed shopping atmosphere.

Shibuya Crossing

Shibuya Crossing, often referred to as the "Shibuya Scramble," is a renowned pedestrian intersection located in front of Shibuya Station's Hachikō exit in Tokyo.

Ginza

Ginza Six:

The largest retail complex in Ginza, Ginza Six houses over 200 stores, including flagship outlets for international luxury brands like Fendi, Kenzo, and Yves Saint Laurent. Beyond shopping, it features art installations, a rooftop garden, and a traditional Noh theater, offering a comprehensive cultural experience.

Harajuku

Omotesando Avenue:

An upscale shopping experience. Often referred to as Tokyo's Champs-Élysées, this tree-lined boulevard is home to luxury boutiques, designer flagship stores, and sophisticated cafes. It's the perfect place for those seeking high-end fashion and elegant ambiance.

Ameyoko Shopping Street

Affectionately known as "Ameyoko," is a bustling open-air market situated between JR Ueno Station and JR Okachimachi Station in Tokyo's Taito Ward.

May 3 - Mt Fuji

Mt. Fuji - Funatsa

Helen, Vince, Alexis & Michelle

Shiraito Falls

The falls are approximately 20 meters high and 150 meters wide, with spring water from Mount Fuji cascading down in thin, white streams that resemble hanging threads of silk—hence the name "Shiraito," meaning "white threads."

Chureito Pagoda

A striking five-story structure painted in vibrant red, is part of the Arakurayama Sengen Shrine in Fujiyoshida, Yamanashi Prefecture. Built in 1963 as a peace memorial honoring the city's war casualties, the pagoda stands as a symbol of remembrance and tranquility.

Asama Shrine

Asama Shrines, also known as Sengen Shrines, are a network of approximately 1,300 Shinto shrines across Japan dedicated to Konohanasakuya-hime.

Starbucks

This distinctive Starbucks is situated in a 100-year-old traditional Japanese townhouse, known as a machiya, on Ninenzaka Street in Kyoto's Higashiyama district.

Lawson

May 4

Kyoto

Helen, Vince, Alexis & Michelle

Shinkansen Ride from Fuji to Kyoto

Need to book bullet train tickets.

Need to find a holding place for bags.

Hotel for Kyoto

Mimaru Kyoto Kawaramachi Gojo

Kyoto, Kyoto Shimagoyu-ku Nishitakasegawa-suji Gojo

Fushimi Inari Shrine (10,000 Gates)

A prominent Shinto shrine located in the Fushimi Ward of Kyoto, Japan. Established in 711 CE, it predates Kyoto's establishment as the capital in 794 and serves as the head shrine for approximately 30,000 Inari shrines throughout Japan.

Samurai and Ninja Museum

An interactive journey into Japan's feudal past, focusing on the legendary figures of samurai and ninja.

Nishiki Market

Nishiki Market, often referred to as "Kyoto's Kitchen," is a vibrant marketplace located in downtown Kyoto. This narrow, five-block-long shopping street is lined with over 100 shops and stalls, many of which have been operated by the same families for generations.

Ninjo Castle

A historic site in Kyoto, Japan, renowned for its architectural grandeur and historical significance. Constructed in 1603 by Tokugawa Ieyasu, the first shogun of the Tokugawa Shogunate, the castle served as the Kyoto residence for the shogunate and symbolizes the power and influence of the Tokugawa family.

Gion District (Geisha District)

Gion is Kyoto's most renowned geisha district, located around Shijo Avenue between Yasaka Shrine in the east and the Kamo River in the west. This historic area is characterized by its traditional wooden machiya houses, teahouses (ochaya), and a rich cultural heritage that offers a glimpse into Japan's past.

May 5th

Kyoto

Helen, Vince, Alexis & Michelle

Bamboo Forest.

Located in the Arashiyama district on the western outskirts of Kyoto, the Arashiyama Bamboo Grove is perhaps the most renowned. This scenic path winds through towering bamboo stalks, creating a mesmerizing atmosphere.

Helen leaves from Kyoto to Osaka then to the Philippines (Night).

May 6th

Kyoto - Michelle Solo

Dig deeper into the Fushimi Inari Shrine (10,000 Gates).

Kiyomizu-dera Temple: This historic temple features a wooden stage that extends over a hillside, offering stunning views of the city.

Kinkaku-ji (Golden Pavilion): A Zen Buddhist temple adorned with gold leaf, reflecting beautifully in the surrounding pond.

Go back to Gion District: Known as Kyoto's geisha district, Gion is characterized by traditional wooden machiya houses, teahouses, and exclusive restaurants

May 7th

Kyoto - Michelle Solo

Nishiki Market: A bustling marketplace offering a variety of Kyoto's culinary delights and traditional goods

Philosopher's Path: A scenic walkway along the canal lined with cherry trees, ideal for a peaceful stroll.

Nijo Castle: A UNESCO World Heritage Site, this castle is renowned for its beautiful architecture and historical significance. Check out the Nightingale Floors that were designed to chirp like birds as you walk on them.

May 8th

Kyoto - Michelle Solo

Explore Yōkai Street (Monster Street): Located in the Taishōgun shopping district, Yōkai Street is adorned with whimsical statues and decorations inspired by Japanese folklore creatures known as yōkai. Local shops participate by displaying these playful figures, creating a charming and eerie atmosphere.

Omen Imadegawa – handmade udon

Gontaro – cozy noodle house

Café Bibliotic Hello! – books + coffee combo.

Pack, Chill & last minute shopping?

May 9th

Michelle to fly home from Osaka. I’ll cry. Every time I leave Japan I cry. lol