@adultwithoutsupervision - Tumblr Blog

Illicit Affairs - Chapter Fourty-Eight

Masterlist

A/N: I absolutely hate this chapter, but I hope you guys won’t share the feeling! It’s bad, like very bad, but I did promise you all the chapter today so here it is! If you feel like it, I can rewrite it, as I'm unsure if this actually makes sense or not.

Also a good news I wanted to share... I'm going to study in the US next year!!!! I'm so so happy, really. I can't wait to learn more English

Warnings: talk of death | Word Count: 5,000

The only thing she felt was the sour, metallic taste of blood in her mouth. Maybe it was because she kept biting her inner cheek, or maybe it was from the way she kept anxiously assaulting her hand with her teeth. Tears had long dried on her skin. It was as if she was stuck in a haze, and no matter how much screaming her brain did, she didn’t move or speak. She knew the man driving was speaking to her, but she couldn’t comprehend the words.

All she wanted to scream at him was to drive faster and faster. He wasn’t going nearly as fast as she needed him to. If he’d let her drive, things would have been better. But he didn’t. She had no idea how she ended up being driven to Doranelle by Sam, but she remembered closing her eyes once on that sidewalk, and the next time she opened them she was in her car, Sam on the driver’s side.

She had to snap out of this. Snap out of this terror that had paralyzed everything but her mind. She wished the fear had paralyzed it as well. Then maybe she wouldn’t feel like she was dying.

Which she would if they didn’t make it in time. Or if Helia… Or if that little bundle of joy and sunshine didn’t make it at all. Aelin would rather end her life than live in a world so cruel and joyless.

She had no idea what happened, only knew that her little girl… She was hurt. She wasn’t alright. This… This wasn’t right.

She was going to be sick again. She didn’t know where her phone was. She had to call Aedion, she had to tell him. If things turned badly… She needed her cousin with her.

And yet, she made no moves to find her phone.

Because it felt too much like the last time.

It felt too much like the time she called him, announcing that Celaena had passed away.

Aelin couldn’t make the calls anymore. She’d lost that strength along the way. She wouldn’t be the bearer of awful news anymore. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t imagine the way Fenrys had felt, making calls in the stead of—

Rowan.

Why hadn’t Rowan called her?

Oh, Gods—

What if he’d—

He had to be okay. He had to be fine. But if he was—why had Fenrys been the one to—

Someone grabbed her hand, stopping her movements. She hadn’t even realized she was moving, that she was doing something.

“Aelin, you need to calm down,” Sam said, eyes on the road and one hand on the wheel. “You’re scaring me, you’re breathing weird.”

“I need my phone,” she breathed, looking everywhere for it. “I need to call him.”

“Call who?”

“My phone,” she snapped, ignoring where the fire came from. “Where is it?”

Sam frowned, but he dug in his pocket and handed her the device. “We’ll be in Doranelle in just a few minutes.”

She said nothing. Her hands shook as she typed her password and called Rowan’s number. The line went dead right away, and her heart dropped. She tried again, and the same thing happened. Had he… Had he blocked her number? For the last six months they communicated through Fenrys or another one of their friends, but if… Even if that option broke her already mutilated heart, she rather that than him being hurt. If he was… The sheer idea of it made tears burned her eyes.

“C-Can I get your phone, please?”

Sam didn’t ask questions, only typing in his password and handing her his phone. She almost didn’t catch it, but she gripped it hard, dialing the number she knew by heart. But once more, the line went dead immediately. His phone was off.

She hid her face in her hands, trying to keep her breathing regular but… He could be hurt. Helia was hurt. She thought that if she lost one of them, she’d die. But if she lost the two of them, how was she supposed to hold on?

She startled when she felt a hand on her shoulder, “We’re there.” Sam said, voice hesitant. Aelin looked out to see they were indeed parked facing Doranelle’s hospital. She hadn’t told him where to do, but he’d taken her phone… Fenrys must have told him.

Aelin allowed herself one breath. One deep, focused breath.

And then she was out of the car, rushing toward the entry. She wasn’t wearing her coat anymore, she had no idea when it’d been taken out—

On her heels, Sam was there. He asked her to slow down, to tell him what was wrong. How was she supposed to explain that? She couldn’t, she had no information…

Cold air hit her skin as she entered the hospital, walking toward the receptionist who had her eyes wide open. Aelin must look awful. She forgot how cold it was in this goddamn hospital, especially during the summer.

“Miss, are you alright?”

“Where is Helia Whitethorn?” she asked, her voice barely human. She wasn’t in the mood for any small talk, or even just a polite conversation.

The woman frowned, “Miss, you look distressed, is there anything I can—”

Aelin’s tempter rose, “I just want to know where—”

Sam’s hand cupped her shoulder, “Listen, we just heard that she was here tonight. We would really appreciate some information.”

“Are you family?” The woman asked.

“No, but—”

“Yes,” Aelin cut him off. “I’m family.”

She frowned, looking conflicted. “It’s policy that I cannot give you information about a patient if you’re not a family member.”

“Can’t you hear? I am family.”

“Can anyone prove that?”

Aelin’s entire body tensed. Her—Helia. Helia was waiting, and this woman was wasting her time. This wasn’t right. “Do you have any idea who I am?” She hated playing this card but…

“Excuse me?”

“My father is the chief of surgery, Rhoe Galathynius? You know him, I suppose. Tell me where she is before I call him.”

Her face paled, and she typed something on her computer.

“What the fuck was that?” Sam asked, voice barely louder than a whisper. He was frowning, looking at her as if she was thing strange thing.

“It’s me loving people,” she snapped, turning back to the woman.

“All I can tell you is to go into the fifth waiting room. I don’t have any other information.”

Aelin only thanked her, and then she was running. Even in the stairs. The elevators were too long, too slow. She needed to be there. She took a turn right, then left, then right again until she reached the room. The door was opened, and she stopped in the doorway, breathless. Heads shot up, all familiar but only one mattered. She could have drowned in the sadness and despair of these beautiful green eyes. She let out a quiet, painful sob when she saw his arm in a sling and the scratches and bruises on his face. He stood, as if compelled.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She ran, throwing herself at him. He groaned, and she realized she must have hurt his arm, and yet she was wrapped into the most bone-crushing hug she had ever been in. She could barely breathe with the way he squeezed her. He was alright, he was in her arms. She squeezed him harder, almost as a way to realize that indeed he was right there. He was with her. His hand cupped the back of her head, pressing her harder into him, as if he was also trying to wrap his mind around the fact that she was there.

She pulled out a little, a little unwillingly, and she only realized then that she had started crying again. “A-Are you okay? You fine?”

“You’re here,” he breathed, surprise and shock hon his face. “How are you here?”

“Fenrys,” she answered, still breathless “H-He called me.”

She turned her head to Fenrys, and her heart broke at the sadness in his eyes. If she had more will, she would detach herself from Rowan to wrap her arms around Fenrys, but as if he knew what was on her mind, he shook his head. “We’ll get some coffee,” Fenrys said, and after that, all of his friends left, Connall squeezed her shoulder on his way out, and she smiled at him weakly.

There was just Rowan and her in there now. The moment she heard the door close, it was like it started something in Rowan. His body started shaking like a leaf, and worry spread through her veins.

His breathing sped up, turning irregular. “Hey, Rowan,” she breathed, hands on his face. “Look at me, look at me,” she begged him to do, having to force in face in the right angle.

The distress in those beautiful green eyes when they met hers was nearly enough to bring her to her knees. But she fought. Because so many times he’d stood in her shoes, so many times he’d helped her when she needed. She would do the same, because it was the least he deserved.

“It’ll be okay,” she said, weakly. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

“The car came out of nowhere,” he said, voice shaking. She’d seen him bad, but she had never seen him in such a state.

It terrified her.

She was supposed to be the unstable one.

“It hit her side, and I-I couldn’t do shit, Aelin,” tears escaped his eyes, and Aelin’s entire heart shattered.

“Where is she?”

He closed his eyes, more tears streaming down his face. He fell into a chair, leaving her cold. He passed a hand through his hair, then looked up at her. It was defeat on his face, as if he was accepting that life had screwed him up. Again. “In surgery. Her brain—it was swollen and bleeding. Too much. Two of her ribs were broken and they punctured her lungs.”

Aelin sat in the chair beside him, her whole body shaking. Almost as a reflex, her hands shot out for his, grabbing it tightly. He was hesitant at first, and then his hand closed around hers. Good. They would need each other tonight, more than they perhaps ever did.

It was as if her brain knew that she had to focus on him, because the mess turned into quiet. She angled her body toward him, “Hey, Rowan,” she breathed, and her free hand gently grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. “Everything will be fine.”

He shook his head, trying to shake away her grip. “You don’t even believe that yourself.”

She swallowed. “And you said it yourself, I have a track record in being wrong.”

He cursed, his face falling in his hand after he let go of her. “I’m sorry, Aelin.”

She shrugged, even if he didn’t have his eyes on her. “It’s okay,” she breathed. “I have said worse to you.”

He shook his head, sighing heavily.

Worry kept eating her from the outside, and she had to hold back from heaving for air. She needed more information, needed to know all the details. But she knew that Rowan was in shock right now. That asking him to relive the accident would only hurt him, if he could even recall what had happened. “How long has she been in the OR?”

“An hour and twenty-four minutes,” he answered flatly. “Twenty-five, now.”

And the fact that he counted, that he was counting what could be his last minutes in this world with her… She was going to be sick.

“H-How long does it usually last? The neuro part.” He knew that more than her, and maybe taking his mind off his worry to switch it toward his job, the thing he loved so much…

He looked at her, and he was quiet for a while. She thought he wouldn’t answer, that he’d leave her question pending in the void. But then, he said, “When there are no complications, around seven hours.”

“And when…” She breathed, not even voicing the rest of that sentence.

Then, she knew it hadn’t been a good idea to ask the question, because his voice was nearly frozen as he answered, “When the patient doesn’t die on the table, which happens in more than sixty five percent of cases for children under six, it can take up to twelve hours.”

She had the urge to tell him she wouldn’t die, that she would be fine, but the words died on her tongue. He was right, she didn’t believe it. She had a bad track record with keeping loved ones around.

Oh—

Oh, Gods. What if it was her fault?

She’d known. Known that she should have stayed away, that she should have never let herself in Helia and Rowan’s life. She’d made jokes about it, but it was very real. Aelin had brought her curse and miserable existence on Helia. She’d hurt her. Not only with the accident, but with everything else.

She’d wormed herself a tiny space in Helia’s heart, and then started to take more and more space. And then, Aelin got selfish. She took off, because she was scared of facing her love for Rowan. She’d hurt Helia, and the girl had been too good to be angry at Aelin.

If she died tonight, Aelin would never get over it.

Never.

Two dead around her was a coincidence.

Three was a pattern.

If this was her fault… How was she supposed to keep on going? She couldn’t. This wasn’t fair. She hadn’t… She had never hurt someone on purpose, she’d always tried to please people. Was that… Was that how life repaid her? By snatching away everyone that she loved?

Her aunt, her sister, maybe her daughter.

Who was next? Aedion? Rowan?

She rather it be her. In that moment, those dark thoughts she’d always fought to keep at bay, to keep silent, they came back. And she knew, that even if a miracle happened tonight, these thoughts would keep eating at her slowly. Maybe they had never disappeared, maybe they carefully waited the right moment to come back.

Ever since the night Rowan left in his car, leaving her in her parents’ parking lot, she had felt them come back. They’d somehow disappeared in the months prior. But she’d fought harder than ever, for Helia. But now that they are in once more…

Maybe they’d never disappear. They would always come back.

Just like ivies.

She was thorn away from that train of thought, from falling deep into that well of self-hatred by the door opening.

She supposed she and Rowan looked rough, if the look on Lorcan’s face was any indication. There was sadness in his eyes, obviously, but pity, too. If she hadn’t been so… lost, she might have huffed. Getting pitied by Lorcan Salvaterre. Great, her life was just getting better and better.

“A nurse just came by,” he said, and Aelin was at the edge of her seat, waiting for the rest. “There was a complication, more bleeding than they expected. But she is stable.”

And even if the pain didn’t ease, breathing became a little easier. “Thank you,” she nodded.

Lorcan’s eyes stayed on Rowan for a few seconds, until Rowan gave his best friend a slight nod. Lorcan left, then. She looked at him, at the man who had meant everything to her just a few months ago, the one who might still do, and he looked absent.

She understood more than anyone perhaps how he felt. The utter despair, the fear of being left alone. She urged to show him that he wasn’t, that even if everything turned to hell today, he wouldn’t be alone anymore. But it wasn’t her role anymore, was it? He’d moved on. But if she could help…

She stood and grabbed his phone on the small table in front of them, pocketing it. “I’ll get us some coffee, and something to eat.”

He looked up then. “You don’t have to.”

She only shrugged, and opened the door to then close it behind her.

Rowan’s friends were all talking outside of the room, quieting the moment they saw her. Sam was there, basically with them but still withdrawn. She was surprised, if she was honest, that he was still there. “Hey,” she breathed, crossing her arms for more warmth.

Lorcan opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, she was wrapped in Fenrys’s arms. For a second, she stayed motionless. With carefulness, she slowly hugged her friend back. It didn’t have the same desperation as her embrace with Rowan had, but it felt nice. Good.

“Thank you for calling me.”

His eyes were red when he pulled back, and her stomach dropped. She looked around and realized, it wasn’t just Rowan and Aelin. These men loved Helia, too. Everyone was worried.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Sam took a step in her direction, laying a hand on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”

No, she wasn’t. She shrugged, giving him a barely-there smile. She turned to Rowan’s friends. “H-He said something about a car. Are the other people involved here as well?”

They all threw a look at each other. “He didn’t say a word to us, you’re the first person he talked to,” Lorcan answered. “But from what I heard, only his car was found.”

Dread filled her veins, her heart. “They just left them there?”

“Oh, Gods,” Vaughan breathed, grabbing his partner’s hand.

Aelin’s shaky hand covered her mouth as she tried to regulate her breathing. She wanted to lose it, but she couldn’t. She’d done it already; she could do it now. She could be strong for Rowan.

She nodded a few times before saying, “I need to call his, hum, their insurance. Fuck, Helia’s grandparents too and hum,” she through, her brain hurting. “Aedion too.”

“Aelin,” Sam breathed. “You already asked me to call Aedion.”

She frowned, “Did I?”

“Yes,” he nodded. “When we got in the car, don’t you remember?”

She shook her head, passing a hand through her hair. Was the floor shaking under her feet, or was it just her legs? She was hot all of a sudden, her cheeks and chest burning.

“And I called him before that,” Fenrys added. “Just after I called you.” Right, it would make sense that Fenrys called Aedion. They had this… thing. How could she forget?

Rowan’s phone was taken from her hands, and she looked up at Lorcan. “Get your ass back in that room, girl. You’re not making the calls thing time.”

“I-I need to, to help him. You don’t get it.”

“I get it. You know I do,” he said. “What you don’t get is that you’re not alone anymore. You have a support system, you have us. You let us to everything, and you just wait for your daughter to get better, okay?”

Tears burned her eyes, and she wiped them away as quickly as they appeared.

“Daughter?” Sam asked, surprised in his voice.

Right. He didn’t know about Helia. She never knew how to explain that situation. Fenrys, always here to help her, answered: “It’s a long story.” She looked at him and hoped her eyes conveyed her thanks. She didn’t feel like explaining how her path crossed Helia’s.

“Get back in there, Aelin,” Vaughan said. “Rest if you can.”

“We’ll bring you two something to eat.”

And Lorcan was right, she wasn’t alone anymore. Hesitantly, she nodded, allowing them to care for her.

---

The light was shining through the window, warming up the skin of her arms as the sun’s light hit directly on it. She hadn’t slept at all, fear too present to even think about closing her eyes for an instant. She sat next to Rowan in silence for the whole night.

Aedion had arrived last night, worried. Somehow, he’d known that saying anything would have no impact on the way she felt, so he stayed quiet. He sat beside her and held her hand, Fenrys sitting on his other side. The room had filled with Helia’s family, though her grandparents weren’t there as they were keeping an eye on Loren. She was sure that it was better for them to babysit a hyperactive boy instead of waiting at the hospital in silence, doing nothing and only awaiting disaster. Especially after they… After they lost their daughter. Lorcan kept them updated every hour, Elide there to hold his hand.

Marion was there, too, as well as other nurses. The woman she’d nearly always known threw her a knowing look, as if entirely unsurprised to see her there. Maybe Elide had told her, or maybe she had known before. Her father had said that many people voiced their concern. As careful as they’d been, it had not been enough.

She was lost in her thoughts when she snapped back to reality as someone new entered the room. Her father. Her heart leapt out of her chest when she saw his tired face, a woman surgeon next to him.

He’d been the one to perform surgery on Helia. That much she understood right away.

As if in sync, she and Rowan stood at the same time, taking a step toward the two surgeons. Her father’s kind eyes were on her, but her own gaze must have been pleading enough that he didn’t address her first. The woman spoke first. “She’s alive.”

Everyone in the room let out the longest breath they had, and Aelin wasn’t an exception. The relief, it was almost as hard to take as the worry. Or maybe she was just feeling physically weak. She held on Rowan’s uninjured arm to keep her upright as the woman went on. “I could repair the damage done to her lungs, and there shouldn’t be too serious consequences, though she will need regular checkup throughout her whole life now. But this is a brave little girl you have, Dr. Whitethorn.”

Tears socked Aelin’s cheeks as she nodded. Yes, she was so, so brave. And she was going to be fine. Rowan seemed to realize the same thing as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pressing her against him. Helia was going to walk out of this hell of a place, and she would—

“She is brave,” her father said, though his voice… It didn’t sound right. “Her brain was more swollen than we anticipated, it was pressing hard against the bone. The whole area was flooded with blood. We could repair most of the damage done, but even know, her brain remains swollen. More swollen than it should be.”

“W-What does that mean?” Aelin dared to ask.

“That we don’t know how much damage we are looking at until she wakes up by herself, which could take time. Especially after such heavy trauma on her body.”

“How long?” Rowan asked, though she suspected he already know. Maybe he needed someone to confirm was he dreaded to hear, or maybe he asked for her… But anyway, her discomfort didn’t only come from the way he squeezed her shoulder.

“In the best-case scenario, hours, of course. But… More realistically, days. Maybe weeks. If she… If she even wakes up,” her father said, his voice slightly quivering.

It was as if the floor fell under her feet. What did he mean by that? Would she never wake up? Would her little body grow older and taller, all without the sparkling soul inhabiting it? “I don’t believe it will happen,” her father said, and she didn’t understand how she ended seated on her chair, her father’s hands holding hers as Rowan still stood motionless. “But it’s a possibility I must warn you about, even if it’s impossibly slim. I promise, love, the past isn’t repeating itself.”

She knew it didn’t mean anything, that her father wasn’t God, and yet she breathed, “It always repeats itself, dad.” It felt different to tell him such a thing, no matter how true it was. She shook her head, her breathing quickening. She couldn’t stand to be there anymore, she couldn’t stand to wait for the next bad news.

She tried to stand up, but her father pushed her back into her seat. She didn’t understand, there was almost no one else in the room. Only she, her father, Rowan and Aedion. Rowan was standing, still staring into the void, but this time Aedion was standing in front of him, hands of his shoulder, trying to speak to him but he was perhaps too gone to hear anything. Maybe she was too, because the buzzing noise in her ears faded as her father’s rough voice woke her up. “You are not running. You will stay, you’ll go into her room and take her hand. No. Running.”

“You,” she breathed, a sob escaping her. “You ran.”

“And you’re not me,” he almost hissed. “Everyday of your life, you’ve shown that you are better than I could ever hope to be, baby. You carried this family, you always were so, so strong, Aelin. I ran because I’m weak. You’re not, and right now, I need you to strong again for little while. What I did to you wasn’t fair, life was not fair to you, but you have the power to make it fairer for that girl. For your girl. We can’t change the past, but you can forge your future.”

Then, she voiced what scared her. What had been eating at her for months, for years even. Her voice quivered as she asked, “What if I’m not enough?”

His face hardened, “Never say such a thing about yourself. You stepped up when you didn’t have to, you’re more than enough Aelin. Don’t overthink it, just let your love speak. Remember? There’s no such thing as loving too much.”

She nodded, trying to breath in deep. Told to get a hold of herself. He was right, she’d already stepped up.

And Helia… When she woke up, because she would, she didn’t deserve to feel the way Aelin had years ago. No, when she will open her big, green eyes… Gods, Aelin was going to hold her so tight.

And because she knew she could, Aelin gathered all her strength. She stood, and took the three steps needed to be at Rowan’s side. With no hesitancy, she wrapped her hand around Rowan’s, and he looked up at her. And maybe he saw something in her eyes, something that hadn’t been there before, because he squared his shoulders back. “Let’s go see her.”

---

She didn’t run, but she cried. It was crazy how she could still cry even after all these hours. When she saw Helia’s small body, bruised and that tube in her throat, helping her breathe, it’d been hard. But she tried to ignore it, she made attraction of all these things. What she focused on was who was under these tubes and bruises. Her beautiful Helia, and she couldn’t stand to see her on that bed too big for her all alone. It seemed as if Rowan had had the same thought.

Without saying a word to each other, they both sat on chairs at opposite sides of the bed. They each grabbed one of Helia’s tiny hands, and they didn’t let go.

Hours passed, and Aelin never said a word. When Aedion, Lorcan, her father or even Gavriel came, offering her and Rowan any sort of things, whether it was food, drinks, fresh clothes, they refused. She didn’t want to leave Helia’s side for a second.

But when the sun started to set, fatigue became stronger than her will. Keeping her eyes open was a struggle, and when she looked at Rowan, be looked bad. Exhausted. But he didn’t look at as if he was going to fall asleep in the next second.

His eyes shifted to hers, and his face softened slightly. “You can sleep, if you want.”

She shook her head, “No, if she wak—”

“Then I’ll wake you up,” he assured her.

She stayed silent for a few seconds and asked, “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Rest Aelin, you need it.”

“So do you,” she said, her voice turning raspy.

He shrugged, “You’ll do the same to me when you wake up.”

She almost wanted to smile at that, she lowered her head so it rested on the side of Helia’s leg. “Deal,” she whispered, before she fell asleep in a breath.

---

Maybe minutes, or maybe hours later, she felt something being deposed onto her back, covering her. She wasn’t exactly awake, but she felt an heard what happened around her. She also felt warmth spread through her, thanks to the additional weight on her back. She was almost falling back asleep when she heard someone ask, “Are you her boyfriend?”

Rowan.

Rowan asked that, she was pretty sure.

“Why would you think so?” Another man answered, his voice less familiar.

There were a few seconds of silence until Rowan answered, “She’s wearing her date shoes, and you arrived together.”

“Her what?”

He’d noticed that she always wore the same shoes whenever she was on a date. How had he noticed such a small detail? She felt as she was seen whole, and it nearly sent a shiver down her spine. But still, she didn’t move, her eyes not opening.

“It does not matter,” Rowan answered, his voice slightly raspier than it usually is. Maybe it was because of the fatigue, it must be. “Even if you already treat her well, treat her better. She always deserves more.”

Silence, and then, “What is between me and Aelin is none of your business.”

Maybe the conversation kept on going, maybe she did hear a door close. But she would never know, falling back asleep as quickly as she did earlier.

••••••

@sheharahu // @morganofthewildfire // @thestoriesyoutell // @fromthelibraryofemilyj // @swankii-art-teacher // @itsforeverinnocent-blog // @becarefuloflove // @imnotsogoodatthis // @rowaelinismyotp // @a-court-of-milkandhoney // @feysand-loml // @elentiyawhitethorn // @live-the-fangirl-life // @story-scribbler // @loves-books // @fangirlprincess09 // @theysayitscrazy // @danibutterr // @endlessdaydream // @thegreyj // @gracie-rosee // @acreativelydifferentlove // @cretaceous-therapod // @louphantomdragon // @mis-lil-red // @backtobl4ck // @whoever-you-choose-to-love // @lemonade-coolattas // @mad-madeline-ace // @the-introverted-bibliophile // @leiawritesstories // @emilyoftheshadows // @anniesbookshelf // @rainbowcheetah512 // @astra-ad-mare // @story-scribbler // @superspiritfestival // @wordsafterhours // @rowaelinrambling // @black-daisy-water // @fireheart-violet // @livsdriverslicense // @charlizeed // @ladykreads // @mariamuses // @autumnbabylon // @justreadertings // @highqueenofelfhame // @earthtolinds // @bowdawn // @psychopath-at-heart // @ginnyweasley06 // @cookiemonsterwholovesbooks

Trending Blogs

Last Seen Blogs