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Light version

Either way, his body is too big for his soul. There's too much empty space rattling around in there so he likes to fill it with other things. Candy and food, tv and movies, weed and alcohol. They fill the empty space quite nicely as long as he consumes them on a regular basis. One would assume it's unhealthy, but no one's said anything to him about it, so it's okay for now. Mikey wished his soul fit his body. Maybe that would make things easier. He wishes he really was seven again, without a concept of death or any inkling of an idea of what was to come. That way Leo would say to him “Dad is traveling the world, and he won't be back for a long time.” Mikey might've believed him.

Unfortunately, Mikey wasn't seven. He's was 19 drinking a beer with his big brother. He looked across the kitchen table only for Raph to hold his gaze.

“You've been quiet,” the older turtle grumbled.

Mikey slouched further on his stool. “Yeah.”

“Not usually this quiet.”

“Yeah.”

Raph took a sip of his own beer. He'd always been able to handle it better than Mikey. He'd always liked bitter things more anyway.

“Why?”

Mikey shrugged. He didn’t feel like talking. He was trying to think right now. If he was seven, he'd be kicking his legs in his stool, sipping juice through a straw. Raph wouldn't ask any questions and his dad would just be on a trip around the world.

“You could at least do me the dignity of answering,” Raph said.

“I'm thinking.”

Mikey wanted to be seven. When he was seven, his dad was here, he drank juice, and his body fit his soul. Now he was 19. And traveling the world sounded nice. He didn't want to be 19.

“If I, like, went on a world tour, just like traveled everywhere for years, alone, what would you do? Like you might never see me again, what then?”

“Is that what you were thinking about? I dunno, Mike, I'd probably just try and keep in contact or something.”

“But what if you couldn't contact me? I'm, like, totally off your grid.”

“I-i don't know,” Raph stuttered. “Are you planning on going on a trip and ghosting us?”

Ghosting was a fun word. Pretty fitting. “Not planning, really, just thinking.”

“I dunno. I'd probably try to find you and drag your ass home. You don't have the greatest survival instinct.”

Mikey pouted. “Not true.” Not true. He was great when it came to survival. He survived Dimension X, he survived a week alone for his spirit quest. Hell, he'd survived his life up until this point. Mikey had amazing survival instinct when he needed it. “I'm great on my own.”

Raph rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Sure.”

Mikey huffed but fell silent again. He didn't want to be 19, but Raph said he would look for him. He's sure his other brothers would do the same. That made Mikey feel a little better. They cared enough about him to not let him do reckless things alone.

“But if you really wanted to, I wouldn't stop you,” Raph shrugged.

Mikey’s thoughts paused. “W-what?”

“I mean we're all adults now, we can do what we want. If you want to travel, I wouldn't stop you.”

Mikey blinked. He stared wide-eyed at his brother. Rationally, he knew what Raph meant. He didn't know what Mikey was implying, he was just saying things. But it still hurt. Mikey knew it shouldn't, but it did. Raph just told him he wouldn't stop him from trying to kill himself. He didn't know, but that's what he did. Mikey looked down at the beer in his hand.

“H-hey, do you want the rest of this?”

“Sure,” Raph answered. He looked at his little brother quizzically. “You alright?”

“Fine. I'm just- I'm going to bed.”

Raph’s brow creased but he didn’t stop him as he walked away. “Kay. Well, uh, have a nice nap.”