Bedtime Story.
Short story by Jeffery Whitmore! Wanted to make this into a comic for a while :] just in a girl boss sorta mood hehe

Andulka
Noah Kahan
The Bowery Presents

oozey mess

if i look back, i am lost
Mike Driver

bliss lane
ojovivo

romaâ
Aqua Utopiaď˝ćľˇăŽĺşă§č¨ćśăç´Ąă
Claire Keane
Doug Jones
Sweet Seals For You, Always
NASA

@theartofmadeline
Today's Document
Misplaced Lens Cap
KIROKAZE
noise dept.

gracie abrams
seen from Russia
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seen from United States
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@adragonnamedsilly
Bedtime Story.
Short story by Jeffery Whitmore! Wanted to make this into a comic for a while :] just in a girl boss sorta mood hehe

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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25 and it got me excited
bitches dont know about my astiankuivauskaappi
that thing looks ridiculous. Why not just put it in the cabinet above the sink??
Every single finnish person is laughing at you peasants
its a dish drying set up?? im not about to put wet dishes in the cupboard? who does that?
hi
welcome to finland, this exists in every single household in finland
Iâm convinced that every country in the world has exactly one (1) household thing that it does better than anyone else. And if we could somehow combine themâŚ
We could have the Avatar of households
insp | via @incorrectdisasterlineage
Mace gets it
I suspect that Anakin only gets this distinction because he is also Obi-Wanâs only student.

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This should not be hidden in the comments
Whenever I see an ad with people living in a house I automatically excuse myself from the experience. These people have house money. You expect me to afford the same product as people with house money? Laughable. Return at once, and tell the algorithm that sent you to try better.
Ads really should be treated like emisarries from rival lords.
I see here you've come to tell of an electronic service which, for a monthly fee, will read aloud to me literature from across the globe. And you say it shall provide me the fist tome free as a token of goodwill. A generous offer, or so it would appear, save for the fact that such a service is readily available to me publicly online and at my local library. Ah, you were hoping perhaps I was not aware of such resources? Begone, you slinking devil! Such trickery will not be tolerated in the house of James.
A PERFECT PLANET (2021) Episode 4, Oceans
If youâre writing about a character whoâs rich and has a big house, and youâre writing in any sort of historical setting, I canât help but feel that youâre missing an opportunity if you never talk about the Guests.
In a modern context, big houses rarely serve any narrative purpose beyond jokes about rooms nobody has ever been in, but historically, all that extra space had an important function. Apart from families generally being larger and multi-generational households being the norm, hospitality was a major part of a wealthy householdâs basic social obligations. Travel was time-consuming and expensive, and obviously your rich buddies couldnât just rent a room while they were in town (how gauche!), so youâd be expected to put them up for as long as they cared to stay. Indeed, being able to put up lots and lots of guests was one of the basic ways you demonstrated your high status.
This expectation of hospitality extended beyond your immediate social circle, as well. If you were the big name around town, you could expect to have government officials, artists and philosophers, travelling nobility, and the like hitting you up for a spare room on very little notice, and you had to be very careful about saying ânoâ because refusal might be construed as a snub â or worse, an admission that you canât afford it! The upshot is that, at any given time, a large household might be playing host to a bewildering assortment of friends, relatives, friends of relatives, relatives of friends, celebrities both far-ranging and local, dignitaries, con artists, miscellaneous weirdos, and that one guy who nobody can quite place, but whose presence everyone is too polite to question.
(The miscellaneous weirdos are a big part of it, in fact. If youâve ever wondered how someone makes a career out of something like âbeing Franceâs most famous loverâ, thatâs basically how it worked: youâd use your outlandish reputation to prevail on some random wealthy jerkâs hospitality, hang around their house as an âhonoured guestâ for a couple of months, then discreetly move on before you wore out your welcome and repeat the whole process somewhere else. There was a whole class of people who made lifelong careers out of being entertainingly weird guests.)
Like, sure, thereâs no obligation to get into any of that if domestic affairs arenât the focus of your story. However, if you are keeping the plot close to home, itâs something where a little bit of extra thought can pay large dividends. Keep it in mind when youâre plotting out that Pride and Prejudice Batman AU next time!

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some perfectly average black cats
Hello! Just a heads up that these kitties are available as a prints in my Inprnt shop!
Please consider checking it out, but reblogs of this post with the added link are very much appreciated too!
melting cats
iâm gonna make a movie where two normal ladies fall in love. everythingâs chill, no age gap, theyâre both out of the closet, their families love them, everythingâs fine. the catch is that one lady has a cat and the other lady never figured out what the catâs name was cause the Owner Lesbian ALWAYS uses a dumb nickname and now itâs been three years and theyâre getting married and itâs too late to just ask
Itâs garnering more and more urgency because the catâs importance is growing (the cat is going to be the ring bearer, oh no!)
The First Lady asks her fiancĂŠ if they should get a fancy collar with the cats name for the wedding and her fiancĂŠ throws her arms around her and says âgreat, would you go do that tomorrow?â
the longer i think about it the more that sounds like a valid conflict to base an entire movie around and the fewer problems i could think of that cant have a solid writing solution available
âJust wanted to confirm the spelling before I gave the order, hun. This shit is costly and I only got one form.â
âOh, just the normal spelling, no crazy vowels or anything.â
This is so good. Plus itâs not like you can try out likely names and see if the cat responds, like a dog might. Itâs a cat. Itâs just gonna sit and squint unblinkingly at you regardless, no matter how many names you try.
Plot twist:
Itâs not a stupid nickname.
The cat really is âmiss kitty.â
Y E S
no no no. the cat doesnât have a name, the cat owner never decided on one so she just goes with various silly nicknames. but since her fiancĂŠe acts like she is aware of the catâs name, the cat owner assumes the fiancĂŠe mistook one of the nicknames for the actual name. but she doesnât know which! so the cat owner doesnât know what the supposed cat name is either, and relies on the fiancĂŠe revealing it at some point, but it never comes and sheâs getting agitated too because she doesnât want to admit she never named her cat
Hey hey hey in a similar vein to ^^^
What if
Neither if then know the name
Because itâs neither of their cat.
The cat decided to move in about the same time one of the girls did. Both think itâs the other oneâs cat. Both are committing these increasingly elaborate shenanigans to figure out the name from the other.
One of my favorite things is modern adaptations that leave people with the same careers they had in the original material, because unless youâre a cop or a doctor that practically never happens.
Irene Adlerâs an opera singer. We still have those! They donât have the same subtext exactly, but nothing is going to because we arenât the Victorians. She could continue to be an opera singer. I have never seen this happen.
Jonathan Harker can still be in real estate. Thatâs a job people have. A modern story that still involves Dracula contacting his firm to help him purchase property sounds amazing actually.
A modern adaptation of Dracula where you keep seeing Jonathan Harkerâs face on bus stop bench ads for his realtor office.
#âThis client doesnât seem to exist online; a bit strange. But heâs elderly so itâs not that unusualâ -Jonathan about to make a mistake â @capslockdoesntexpressmyjoy
Humans Are Weird
So there has been a bit of âwhat if humans were the weird ones?â going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather?Â
What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all âSCORE! Earth like world! Letâs get exploring before we get out competed!â And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just ⌠there⌠counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving.Â
To paraphrase one of my favorite bits of a âhumans are awesomeâ fiction megapost: âyou donât know youâre from a Death World until you leave it.â For a ton of reasons, I really like the idea of Earth being Space Australia.
Earth being Space Australia Words cannot express how much I love these posts
Alien: âIâm sorry, what did you just say your comfortable temperature range is?â
Human:Â âHonestly we can tolerate anywhere from -40 to 50 Celcius, but we prefer the 0 to 30 range.â
Alien: ââŚâŚ. Iâm sorry, did you just list temperatures below freezing?â
Human: âYeah, but most of us prefer to throw on scarves or jackets at those temperatures it can be a bit nippy.âÂ
Other human:Â âNah mate, I knew this guy in college who refused to wear anything past his knees and elbows until it was -20 at least.â
Human:Â âHeh. Yeah everybody knows someone like that.â
Alien: ââŚâŚ. And did you also say 50 Celcius? As in, half way to boiling?â
Human: âEugh. Yes. It sucks, we sweat everywhere, and god help you if you touch a seatbelt buckle, but yes.âÂ
Alien: ââŚâŚ. Weâve got like 50 uninhabitable planets we think you might enjoy.âÂ
âYouâre telling me that you have⌠settlements. On islands with active volcanism?â âWell, yeah. Iâm not about to tell Iceland and Hawaii how to live their lives. Actually, itâs kind of a tourist attraction.â âWhat, the molten rock?â âWell, yeah! Itâs not every day you see a mountain spew out liquid rocks! The best one is Yellowstone, though. All these hot springs and geysers from the supervolcanoââ âYou ACTIVELY SEEK OUT ACTIVE SUPERVOLCANOES?â âShit, man, we swim in the groundwater near them.â
Sounds like the âDamnedâ trilogy by Alan Dean Foster.
âAnd you say the poles of your world would get as low as negative one hundred with wind chill?âÂ
âYup, with blizzards you cant see through every other day just about.â
âAmazing! when did you manage to send drones that could survive such temperatures?â
â⌠well, actuallyâŚâ
â⌠what?â
ââŚwe kindaâŚâŚ. sentâŚâŚâŚ.. peopleâŚ..â
ââŚâ
ââŚâ
ââŚwhat?â
âwe sent-â
âno yeah I heard you I just- what? You sent⌠HUMANS⌠to a place one hundred degrees below freezing?â
ây-yeahâ
âand they didnât⌠die?â
âWell the first few didâ
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?â
My new favorite Humans are Weird quote
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE?â
aka The History of Russia
aka Arctic Exploration
aka The History of Alaska
Being from Alaska, this was sort of how I felt going to college in the lower 48â˛s and learned that no one else had been put through a literal survival camp as a regular part of their school curriculum, including but not limited to:
1. Learning to recognize all forms of animal tracks in the wild so you can avoid bears and moose and search out rabbits and other small animals to eat.
2. Extensive swimming and climbing on glacial pieces with competitions to see who could last the longest, followed by a group sit in the sauna so we wouldnât get hypothermia (no, not kidding, I really did this many times as a kid!)
3. How to navigate using the stars to get back to civilization.
4. How to select the right type of moss from the trees to start a fire with damp wood (because, yâknow, youâre in a field of snow. Nothing is dry.)
5. How to carve out a small igloo-like space to sleep in the snow to preserve body heat and reduce the windchill so you wonât freeze to death in the arctic.
âIâm telling you, I donât think we need to worry about territory conflicts with the humans. You know all those deathtrap hell-worlds in the Argoth Cluster?â âThose worthless rocks? Yeah.â â80% of them are considered âresort destinationsâ by those freaky little primates.â
âIâm telling you, they terraform for fun!â âDonât be ridiculousâ âNo, seriously. Some of their most celebrated cultural loci are built on swamps. They have an entire city that is literally in a body of water. Not, like, an artificial pontoon city, they literally sunk the foundations into water. For Grilpâs sake, they build elaborate structures out of frozen water AND THEN SLEEP IN THEM.â âDear Thilak. Think we could get them to terraform our moons?â âPsh, theyâd probably pay for the privilege.â
Eventually, it occurs to someone that humans are the perfect terraforming shock troops, as it were. They think itâs fun to be sent to horrible planets! Theyâre really good at surviving and then taming them! All you have to do is sit back and wait until the planet is habitable, and then move there yourself! Itâs genius.
It only takes one try before the reality of the situation sets in: human definitions of âtamingâ and âhabitableâ are woefully incomplete.
âWhy did you not eliminate the venomous plant life?â Grahsskâti moans, clutching one limb.
âThose?â The human laughs. âWhy bother? Theyâre not that bad. And they eat the mosquitoes.â
Grahsskâti shudders. The âmosquitoesâ are⌠not to be mentioned. Just one swarm of them caused a landing shuttle to crash three planetary daylights ago.
âAnd the acid storms? Why did you not warn us of them?â
âI mean, theyâre annoying,â the human says, shrugging, âbut we figured the cool sunsets made up for it.â
Grahsskâti flails helplessly. âWhat about the ten-meter tall Fanged Death Bringers? They can eliminate an entire settlement in under an hour!â
âTheyâre so cute!â the human says, brightening. âHave you met mine? Her name is Spot!â
Humans are told of some planet or region of space that is considered âcompletely and utterly inhospitable - it would be folly to try and settle there.â
Without fail, a decent number make it a point to settle there because âFuck You Thatâs Why.â It doesnât matter how uneconomical it is, how difficult the conditions are, how utterly ridiculous it may seem, there will be at least one human who will attempt to do it only because someone else regardless of species says it is improbable or WORSE impossible.Â
âThis moon is still forming as such it is primarily soft - by that I mean most of the magma is close to the surface and-â âOH BADASS you mean its like Mustafar right!?!?!?! Iâm totally going to build a castle there.â âWhat. I mean. There is NO fertile ground there whatsoever. No ecosystem. It is molten rock and minerals only.â âWhich will make my castle there look METAL AS FUCK am I RIGHT!?!??! Come on. COME ON. I TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FISTBUMP COME ON.â ââŚ.youâŚ.you are going to die, you know this right?â âIâm getting the feeling you donât want to come to Lava Castle for some reason?â
âListen, lad. Iâve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was molten magma. All those aliens said I was daft to build a castle on a molten planet, but I built it all the same, just to show âem. It sank into the magma. So, I built a second one. That sank into the magma. So I built a third one. That spontaneously combusted, turned to ash, then sank into the magma. But the fourth one stayed up. Anâ thatâs what your gonna get, lad â the strongest castle in this solar system.â
âIâm gonna need for you to explain âhurricane partiesâ to me again.  You humans have the technology to track these apocalyptic storms of wind and rain and predict where on the landmass theyâll hit up to a week in advance.  And youâŚhave social gatherings during them?â
âWell yeah, but only up to about Category 3 strength. Â Then itâs time to pack the car and head inland for most people, although a few hardy souls stick around and ride them out.â
âOh good. Â Category 3 is what again? Â Winds up to 75 kilometers per hour?â
âNo no, Category 3 starts at 175 kilometers per hour. Â You left off the one.â
Iâm sure Iâve reblogged some version of this before, but I needed the STRONGEST CASTLE IN THIS SOLAR SYSTEM on my blog.
âThis planet is so cool!â
âItâs a planet completely made of ice.â
âYeah! Letâs send some scientists! Or I could be the youngest person there!â
âYouâd die, itâs below freezing level!â
âBut the blizzards are so pretty!â
âThe storms of dEATH ARE NOT PRETTY!â
âPEOPLE DIED OF THE COLD AND YOUR SOLUTION WAS TO SEND MORE PEOPLE???!?!?!?â
âNo, of course not. Nobody âsentâ anyone, they just went up there on their own.â
âThey WHAT?â
Oh my fuck nuggets, the actual thread
these are absolutely some of my favorite threads on tumblr.
âAnd these spiral wind funnels are so powerful, they can move large objects around?â
âOh, hell, yeah, I saw one toss railroad boxcars right into a cornfield.â
âCornfield? This occurs in areas where there is agriculture?â
âSure, itâs good farmland. Of course, there are towns and cities there too âŚâ
âWait, your people build their residences in the spiral-wind-funnel area of the planet?â
âYup, we call it Tornado Alley.â
âMm, right, good to know. Gorkle, one to beam up.â
âHumans are Weird: I Have the Dataâ
Book 1
Amazon (Kindle, Paperback, Audiobook)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08RSVHL81
Keep reading
Ooh, another book! (I have the anthology Humans Wanted and I love it)

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Was kind of expecting this to be irrelevant by now but
The only one I disagree with is the luggage. The luggage is wreaking absolute havok, as it doesn't have an immune system. Or lungs. And it's *bored*
Idk why but villains with standards will always be the funniest thing to me. like you'll get someone who will take absolute pleasure in doing the most vile things but paying their minions less than minimum wage? how dare you insult their honor. there'll be a guy who just loves terrorizing people but if you say something sexist about his sidekick he'll punch you in the throat and step aside with glee to let her pummel you. villains who are like "murder is fine generally but if you're a homophobe then I'll tie you to a boulder and catapult you into the ocean". Idk there's just something innately hilarious about a villain who is very definitively bad, like extremely morally reprehensible, but like there are just certain things that even they won't stoop to, thereby implying that those who do are worse