A double dose of trouble

I keep spinning my mind out of control. I can’t stop feeling sad or depressed. It’s as if I’m addicted, almost, to sadness. Like, all I want to do I just lay in bed and never get out because I’ve been crying too much.

I don’t even know what I’m crying about. It just gets out of control and all of a sudden my emotions are all over the floor and I’m just picking up pieces that disintegrate as I go.

I’m happy, then I’m sad. Then I’m fantastic, then I feel like the world is shit.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

My head just keeps going in circles with all the things wrong with my life, or it keeps looking for things that are wrong in my life because apparently nothing is good enough for me. And when it’s good, it’s too good to be true.

This world. This world that we try so hard to make a better place. This world is fucked up. We’re all utterly and completely fucked up. No one’s all good or all bad. No one’s who they really want to be. No one’s who they want others to think they are. Everyone’s just as fucked up as everyone else.

I recently wrote an assignment exploring feminism, what people think it is, and what it’s supposed to be. By the time I finished, I came to the conclusion that feminism, noble as its cause is, is also pretty damn fucked up. I can’t wrap my head around it. I get why we need it. Girls need someone to fight for them because they can’t fight for themselves. I get it.

But here’s what I don’t get. What the fuck even are we fighting for? We can’t get rid of misogyny from every corner of the fucking world. You know why? Because someone’s always going to take advantage of the world.

But men objectify women far to often, and that’s how rape happens. Women are being taken advantage of. Women are beaten.

YOU KNOW WHAT! Women do the same fucking thing to men too.

We’re fucking manipulative and when we don’t get our way, we throw a fucking tantrum. That’s all we’ve ever learnt to do, because all of a sudden, men are useless and so we have to do everything ourselves. Because in the first goddamn place, we have grown up expecting to be fucking taken care of.

and then this is where it gets completely fucked up

MEN.

Fucking men.

I know men who work hard. I’ve met men who do try their best to take care of the women. But I also know way too many men who think they're smarter than everyone else, who’s ego is inversely proportionate to the size of their penis. I know men who think they can get away with anything. And it’s thanks to men like them that women are dissatisfied. It’s because of men like them that a women’s expectations of what a men can do has now been decreased to the mere abilities of a pet snail. It’s because of men like them that women have lost home in men in the first place.

Am I the only one who is completely done with the content that’s on allsingaporestuff.com? It just seems like they’re trying to stir unnecessary shit by filtering only articles that will create frustration.

STOP!

The world is already messed up as it is, is it really necessary to constantly try to initiate more unrest among people? Post something that actually reflects the positivity of Singaporeans la. Supposed to be all SINGAPORE stuff right? Why is it that the only thing I see are other people’s complaints? What are you trying to do?

Not to say that these complainers’ feelings are invalid. I get that sometimes things happen and it upsets people, but OEI! I’d like to see more content that doesn’t make us sound like petty little idiots who only know how to open our mouths to complain but are too lazy to do anything to change what we’re unhappy with.

6 more weeks until you get here, and I couldn’t be more excited~

A lot of you are probably going to roll your eyes to China thinking “there she goes again, falling in love hard, and then when it’s all over, we’re going to read about her whining like a dead puppy that she thinks she lost the love of her life.” YOU KNOW WHAT? I don’t care~~~

I honestly believe that I’ve found the one. (you stop rolling your eyes, you. I CAN SEE YOU DOING IT!) No, I don’t think I fell in love with him too fast. Quite the opposite, actually. I think I actually learnt to take my time to fall in love with him, or at least recognise falling in love with him. I let our friendship grow for 3 years. For 3 years, we got to know about each other. Talk about taking it slow...

I’m almost half way through my second semester at UQ, and it’s just been mad hectic because for once I’m actually making an effort to try to stay as on top of my readings and assignments as possible. (Although, so far I’ve kind of been leaving my assignments to almost the last minute before I get it done. 😅) I kind of feel like I don’t have time for much, but it’s not like I'm dying yet, so I'm all g!

OH YEA! ZACH’S COMING TO BRISBANE IN JUNE!!!

He got his offer letter to Griffith a couple days ago, and that pretty much confirmed that he was coming here. He hasn’t accepted yet tho, he’s waiting for UQ to get back to him. I actually kind of really want him to take UQ, just cause it would be nice to walk around campus with him. (I promise I'm not being biased. Okay, maybe a little bit.) I’ve never quite been with someone from the same institution as me. But the choice is still his.

Anywho, I should get back to my readings now. Another paper due in 4 days and I haven’t started. 

Hello there,

You have been through my best and worst. It’s crazy how close we’ve become and in such a short time, too! You have braved the path every other human has turned away from in absolute fear. You have walked the ways of fallen men and emerged a hero.

You’ve watched me go through the hardest heartbreak, the worst downward spirals of the mind, the craziest, low-key (probably nothing low-key about it) psychotic, melodramatic revenge plots for exes, and every other crazy revelation in between.

You have seen the darkest parts of my room, both literally and figuratively. You’ve seen every sloppy secret and you still chose me. Of all the other slightly-more-normal people out there in the world, you chose me. You chose to publicly associate yourself with me for reasons I may never know or agree are sufficiently valid for this unfortunate life choice.

A month ago, I never would have been able to keep a straight face if anyone else asked if we were dating. “No!!!! No no no no no. Never in a million years. Are you kidding me? I could never live with that.” I always thought that it would be an occurrence that would only be possible if pigs flew in every other alternate universe, in every alternate lifetime, where for some earth-shattering reason, our alternative selves, regardless of universe or lifetime, might even be remotely attracted to each other. I’d joke about it, laugh it off, tell them that the stars would never align for such a match of death to occur.

But you changed my mind about everything with a single kiss.

It felt comfortable, like it was meant to happen. It felt like my life was preparing me for that very moment when everything changed. My world flipped upside-down. What sorcery is this? What is this feeling? It’s new, it’s nice, it’s comfortable. Do I want this?

You made my heart skip so many beats I swear to God I thought I might suffer a heart attack. (You still do that, btw.) You knew the right things to say, and that scared me because of how well you knew me. What if he’s just trying to get in my pants? He wouldn’t do that. He’s one of the good ones. “Good ones”. Context. Context. Context…

You made me smile so much that I got ulcers in my mouth and now I can barely eat my favourite foods because it hurts to chew. Yes, I blame everything on you. I blame you for my inability to drink juice or eat without pain. It’s all your fault.

Still, despite everything that you’ve done to me, I’m still in love with my best friend.

I cannot believe I’m only a week away from my second semester at UQ! Feels like just yesterday I was submitting my application forms and biting my nails waiting for the acceptance letters.

This semester is going to be a good one, I can feel it. I’ve met some of my new flatmates and they’re absolutely fantastic! (One of the new guys is Dutch? Uhm, yes? Heheh~) The two new Indian girls who moved into our flat are also super social, and I love it! It tops living with April and Selena. Well, anything tops living with them, really. They never came out of their rooms!

OMG, but the kitchen situation! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

Zoe and I are so mad at whoever left their dishes undone for the last month! Like, seriously, is it so hard to clean up after yourself?! I’ll never get it...

It feels amazing being back here! I actually cannot wait for the semester to start again. My new courses are super interesting, except for the fact that I can already see myself pulling my hair out over at least one of them.

Another year’s coming to an end, and I’m still not ready for the next year to begin. It has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride for me this year, but I guess that’s what happens when I ask for a crazy year. So, here are the crazy highlights:

January The year started out really good, and I started my uni applications

February I wasn’t a unicorn anymore, and I was finally done with poly life.

March Getting my Acceptance letter to UQ felt like a Hogwarts letter moment. It still feels so surreal that I even made it.

April I accepted my offer to UQ and the preparations to leave for Australia begin, all the fights and tears included.

May After slogging 5 whole years, I finally graduated from NYP! I was so done with their shit before I even started. Lol.

June I left for Brisbane

July Got to attend Hillsong Conference with some of the FS Pioneers, and it was so worth it! Also, I figured out how we could get fundings for future FS events. We just have to hold a conference every year and charge each person $200 per ticket. Heheh...

Oh yea! And classes begin at UQ~

August I get my first Distinction at uni, setting the tone for all the distinctions that follow to the end of the semester.

September Marcus and I break up. It was a massive shock to a lot of people, even to us. It’s been 3 months since, and I’m in a new relationship, but it still hurts. I don’t know if I’ll ever love anyone as hard as I loved him. I think he’ll always be the love of my life.

October Unfortunately, I can’t disclose what happened, but all you need to know is it was pretty big, and I’m still recovering emotionally from this one.

November I meet Tom, and it’s been good so far. He’s funny and i know he tries, and I appreciate him for it. I just need to get out of my head and realize that sometimes life IS good and to just let the world be as it is. I don’t have to make something crash and burn just because nothing around me is about to.

December I’m home for the holidays, and it’s a struggle being away from Tom these 2 months, but he’ll have me back by Valentine’s Day, so that’s keeping us holding on till then~

**********

Everyone around me is getting together with everyone, and then I’m just here in a committed relationship with my bed. Realizing it’ll be the first Christmas, the first New Year’s, the first Birthday that I’ll be celebrating on my own in 6 years.

It’s crazy how quickly time has flown and how much has happened. My mind’s been a bit of a mess. All I want is to have someone to hold me and hug me while I cry, and it sucks that I’m a billion miles away from the people that I love, from the one that I actually truly love. I feel stupid for letting him go.

The truth is, I want him back. He loved me more than anyone ever could. He knew every dark corner of my heart, and he still loved me, and I chose to let him go for stupid selfish reasons.

You don’t realize how all this waiting around is killing me. You don’t realize that all I really want from you is to be wanted just as much as I want you. You don’t realize that going through all of this alone is 100 times less scary when you’re around. Where in heavens are you?

I can never get a hold of you on the phone. I get sent straight to voice mail every time. I know you work weird shifts, so I leave a text message.

Why is this hurting so much? It’s not supposed to be this hard.

I miss my beach. My head’s been so caught up with all kinds of crazy things that have been happening lately, and I just miss being able to take a walk out to the beach. I miss letting the waves take my worries away.

My life’s been pretty crazy lately, but I guess that’s what stress does. It makes you feel like you’re drowning.

We broke up. He was such a big part of my life, and it still hurts. It’s been a week since we ended, and my heart aches every time I accidentally uncover something in my room that even remotely reminds me of him. But the reason why I’m writing today is not to lament my heartaches on you. The reason I’m writing now is to explain what happened.

For so many of you, it may have come as a shock. In truth, I think it came as a shock to the both of us as well. We didn’t have a bad relationship. If anything at all, he was the best one I had in my whole life. I actually believed that he was the love of my life.

At this juncture, I’m sure many of you who knew my story would be saying, “Oh, but if you really loved him, you wouldn’t have hurt him the way you did with the things that you did. You would have fought even harder for him.” I guess you might me right. If I really loved him, I wouldn’t have done all the things I did. But what you guys don’t know is how much we fought for our relationship. What you guys don’t know is how much we sacrificed to keep our relationship going. Weren’t those sacrifices worth it? Yes, they were. They were worth everything that happened for us. But I guess there was always a part in each of us that felt like we were holding the other person back.

I cannot speak for him, but when we first began, the age didn’t seem like much.

It’s just three years, we’re in the same life phase.

Yea, it worked when we were both in poly. Two years passed, and it was time for me to start applying to university. That’s when everything changed. I started thinking about how we were going to work when I was in Australia.

Long distance can happen. We’re strong enough to make it through. It’s only going to be two years. We’ll get though it. We’ll figure it out.

Then he started thinking about signing on to the Police Force, and, don’t get me wrong, I loved that he finally had a plan about what he was going to do after his two obligatory years in NS. But I didn’t want him to give up university. He wanted to sign on because he wanted to start earning money to be able to keep up with me when I graduated so we could start a family together. I didn’t want him to give up university for me, but he was willing to.

Little by little, every move and decision we made was geared towards a shared future together. I loved that, but it scared me shitless. It scared me to know that I could actually see a concrete future with this guy. Finally, I opened my eyes and realized how self-destructive I was and I knew I didn’t want to put him through that anymore. Every time our relationship got more serious, I freaked out, and I did whatever I could to sabotage the relationship without even realizing it.

Suddenly I realized I just wasn’t in the right time in my life to commit to anything yet. I might have been ready emotionally, but mentally and financially, I wasn’t.

Yea right, you just want to fuck around.

That’s actually not true at all. Coming to Australia made me see how self-dependent I could actually be, and truth be told, I enjoyed feeling like that. I enjoyed being on my own. I enjoyed not having to answer to anyone.

So, we talked about it, and we agreed that maybe being single for the years that I’m in UQ would be best for us. We agreed that if we still felt the same way about us and the shared future that we wanted after I was done with university, then and only then, maybe we could even think about starting again. But for now, it’s just going to be me, myself, and I.

He will always be the love of my life. He will always have a special place in my heart. I wish nothing but the best for him, because I will never stop loving him.

It’s been a while...

Uni life has officially started for me, and even though it’s already been 6 weeks in to the Semester, I feel like I’m still getting used to getting back into the groove of having assignments and due dates.

Anyway, life has been pretty interesting since I started at UQ. Been making friends with a lot of people, although like 75% of them are guys, but that’s fine! That just means that I can get free drinks and car rides!! 😁

My roommates are lovely, but OMG! SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE IS SO BLOODY MESSY! WHAT’S SO BLOOMING DIFFICULT ABOUT WASHING UP AFTER YOURSELF WHEN YOU’RE DONE WITH THE KITCHEN! And I swear to the heavens, this one girl, April, doesn’t know how to put her dishes on the dish rack properly. Like, THERE IS A METHOD GUYS! CUPS CAN GO UNDER POTS BECAUSE SPACE! PLACING THINGS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER WITHOUT A CLOTH AT LEAST IS NOT GOING TO HELP DRY THE INSIDES! IT’S BASIC PHYSICS, PEOPLE!

Exasperating...

Meanwhile, Marcus and I are celebrating our 3rd Anniversary today!! YAY!!! I can’t believe it’s already been 3 years! Feels like we only just got together~ But, after today, we’re taking a little break for a while, at least until i’m back in SG in December.

I need this break. For the last 6 years of my life, it’s just been relationship after relationship, and even though it seemed like I was happy, I felt like something of myself was still missing. I’m gna use the break to find out what that is. It’ll be good for me to see how much I can fair on my own. I haven’t been on my own for a long while.

You need to know that I love you. Or, at least I think that I do. Kinda feels like I do. Or maybe I just like you. I don’t know. 

From the first time we got to know each other, I knew you were going to mean something special to me. Seeing you makes my heart skip a beat. When you give me hugs, I get butterflies. When you compliment me, saying that I’m sweet, or even silly, I smile at my texts like an idiot. You make me feel really happy, elated, something I haven’t felt in a very long time.

You’re a sweet guy, and I wish I knew what it’d be like if I was your girl. Any girl who gets to have you is very lucky. I hope she knows that. 

I know you’ll never love another girl the way you loved her. 5 years is a long time, and she must’ve been really special. I’ll bet she still is.

I hope you find love, if not in me, then at least in someone who cares about you just as much as I do.