vale

this is my void time where virtually no one bothers me, and i basically just talk to myself. it's very therapeutic.

i have work in five hours, and i haven't slept. i hate it here. i wish i could just sleep normally. it is so exhausting. i originally tried to go to bed three hours ago. which still isn't great, but it's better than i normally am. anyways.

i hate that i can't recognise my dad anymore. i know he's not a bad person. Or even a bad dad. i just miss who i thought he was.

remembering how personality disorders were talked about when i was growing up will forever cause me to crash out, and it is still so anger inducing that it's not even improved that much. specifically antisocial personality disorders. they're not automatically evil guys shut tf up. remembering one therapist who was talking about narcissistic personality disorder on some lame ass show and said it made her feel sick... mf when i catch you.

i am also forever devastated whenever i think of g-dragon or top. both as friends and separately. all of the shit they went through was so unfair, and seeing how gd was before his military service hurts.

it's been weird recently. maybe it's the divorce maybe it's the personality disorder idk.

currently feeling emo as hell and not in the good way.

Working on a Bearnelli fic rn where Kimi is a merman and I've managed to make it far more angsty than expected. Also the plans for it alone are 3500 words. This is going to be a long fic, lads. I'm also planning on writing both of their POVs.

Okay so I've started working on a sico fic and it's over 3000 words and unfinished and also sort of turned into a sebcedes fic how are we feeling

Always hurts on here when you click on a link to a really interesting/promising fic and then it's locked to ao3 account users only. Like I get it but man getting an account takes so long nowadays have mercy

I'm gonna need to go back and edit my brocedes hidden baby fic because most of my writing for it was done between the hours of 2am-6am. Like, I'm happy with it, but I think I rambled on in some areas and then didn't expand upon ideas enough in other areas. I love rereading my writing and thinking of ways to improve it. When it comes to fanfic anyway I hate essays.

I lowkey feel bad because I've sort of abandoned my old lestappen fic... I only started writing them because I had writers block like they don't move me as much as other pairings but this one fic im actually quite invested in...

Also been getting into Sebchal and Sico lately. Sebchal because I love a slightly morally wrong relationship and Sico because truly everyone was Weird™ about Nico and I need to write a fic about them in a tent together

right so my brocedes hidden baby fic is now over 5000 words and I've not even reached the resolution lord save me...

Religious trauma so bad I become so uneasy whenever I see a cross in any capacity, and I distance myself from people when I learn that they're Christian is nawt fun WOOF

ranting to the void real quick, but man I hate the summer get it away from me. its so hot and we don't have air conditioning and it's so bright outside and i am still depressed and now my sleep schedule is fucked too.