A Death Well Lived

“A Death Well Lived”--Chapter 1, Excerpt #1

[From Carolyn R. Shaffer’s memoir-in-progress, “A Death Well Lived: How My Husband and I Turned Our Last Year Together into Our Best”]

"Which sofa will you want to use for his body?"

In his tailored gray suit and salt-and-pepper gray hair, Tim, could be a funeral director out of Central Casting. But he’s for real, the director of the mortuary not far from our home. My husband and I are sitting across from him at our dining table discussing our plans for a three-day, in-home wake--the old-fashioned kind with family members and friends coming to pay their respects, talk and eat, or sit in silence. The body in question here will be that of my husband, Sypko, who six months before was diagnosed with life-threatening leukemia. “If” is increasingly looking like “when,” and we are planning accordingly.

Sypko and I glance over at the two sofas facing each other across the coffee table then look back at one another.

“How about if you’re there,” I say to him, pointing to the sofa on the right. “When friends visit, they tend to gravitate to the other one, so they'll be most comfortable sitting on that, across from you.”

Sypko nods his head. "I really like this sofa idea. It will look like I'm just taking a nap. It's much better than laying me out on a table in the middle of the room."

"That’s for sure." I smile. "A long table with a white cloth draped over it—it would look like a sacrificial altar." We all start laughing.

#

We’d been told it was a moderate kind of leukemia, known technically as chronic   leukemia, or CMML. A half year ago his oncologist gave him a 50:50 chance of recovery. However, the blood counts hadn't been looking good lately.

We had not been looking forward to this conversation with the “mortuary guy,” as Sypko had been referring to him. Even though death wasn’t immediately imminent, talking about funeral plans would make it seem so much more real. Yet somehow in the midst of our discussion with Tim, we found ourselves enjoying the process. Despite his buttoned-down appearance, Tim entirely supported our unconventional plans. Without debate, he offered his full aid for an in-home wake. He also agreed to fulfill another big dream for Sypko—what he wanted done with his ashes.

#

"I'd like to have them scattered from a glider plane by a member of my soaring club, tossed out as close to a cumulus cloud as possible. That way they'll be carried high into the sky and will travel over the widest possible range."

Sypko studied meteorology when he was young and still relishes exploring the different qualities of clouds. I’d grown used to his excitement about cumulus, cirrus, and lenticular clouds and his mini-lectures about them.