is this art, or insanity

Fluttering their wings faster the closer I got to him like a bad game of hot and cold

When it ended it shattered the world around me, taking all of my soft parts with it and I hate to admit that I wondered if I would ever love someone like that again but you

You make both my lungs deflate whenever you’re around and most people exhaust me but I could never be tired of you but how I can tell you that

How can you not know when I watch you speak like I will never hear anything more important in my life and when I catch my breath when we make eye contact for too long

Why do I have to say it

Please don’t make me say it

And I hope you don’t have someone waiting for you

But you didn’t see it, you said.

You didn't know, you said.

Was it just that easy for you to pretend that you wanted me? Was I just a distraction to your miserable life because you were lonely and alone and drinking too much and you wanted someone to tell you that you were still worth but I don't think that’s true anymore

I had a whole speech prepared in my head about how you were going to come back like you always do and I was going to make you grovel because you deserve to you deserve to fight for me back you deserve to put in the work but I folded and I told you I missed you because it was bleeding out of all of my orfices and I had to say it I had to say it to you and you told me ‘okay’ you told me ‘miss me. I dont care’

How can you not care

I have loved you since I was sixteen years old I have waited for you every since since I have known what love was so how can you say you don’t care

I sat in your waiting room, hoping that you would come and find me and tell me you were wrong. We belong together. Please come back. I pictured too many late nights and early mornings and kisses and I love yous and I was always the one you came back to you said am I always the one you leave too?

i hope you know that her favorite color is purple

and that she loves to get flowers and tulips are her favorite

she likes to sleep on the left hand side

and if you don’t play with her hair she can’t fall asleep

she hates coffee but will stay up all night with you and never complain that she’s tired

buy her her favorite snacks from the gas station every time you go because she will smile every time and if that’s not your favorite thing to look at then you don’t deserve to love her

she likes to be call pretty and beautiful and if you don’t tell her at least once a day she’s the greatest thing to have happen to you she’ll get sad so please remind her every day how amazing she is

she likes scary movies and always has to have popcorn but she only really likes kettle corn so always have some on hand

i still have a box if you need it

please just make her laugh

so loud that i can hear it from my bedroom window

i thought maybe i would cry

sink down to the ground and let out years of yearning and unrequited love

and maybe if i were nicer i would like her

i wouldn’t be making jokes at her expense

finding out she exists broke something in me but it also glued something back together

like all the things you’ve done to me in the last six month make sense

i do not forgive you

i will not forget

losing the body that slept next to me almost every night or the voice that sang too loudly in the car with me

the lips that kissed my forehead and called me “my girl” or the girl that always found time to take a walk at sunset

i don’t know what’s worse

losing the girl i almost fell in love with

and you kissed me just enough to leave me wanting more

your freckles lit up under the night sky glory and i wanted you forever but that got washed away from the shore

because you looked me in the eyes and lied

and then you ask for me back and i hesitate and slow down and stop at the red lights because the ache in my chest that was there when you left had suddenly returned and i can not dull it down

I know there is supposed to be to be structure

And rythm

And rhym

And you’re supposed to speak in metaphors

Use beautiful language to describe how the sun is setting

And make it mean something else

But how can I be structured when you scramble my mind?

And your sister never told you, but she thinks I was the one

When you tell me about her, you avoid looking into my eyes because if you did you would slip up and tell me you love me